New Opportunities

i'm in such a weird place in my life.  Based on my way of thinking for most of my life, nothing is as it should be, and i'm totally miserable, but thank God, that's not the way it is.  I am unreasonably happy and excited about life.  Nothing I could have done could have changed my circumstances.  Certain things happened that were beyond my control, and while last year i would have alternated between denial and misery, this year I am open to the amazing new directions in which my life could go.  I love the path my life was on before my accident, and hope that I can continue on that path.  I will continue to do what footwork I can towards that goal, but there is very little that I can healthfully do in that direction, while there are so many new inspiring ideas which are not at all hindered by my current condition.  Yesterday, i had no committments, appointments, or obligations.  nothing but possibilities and time.  Everything seems to be falling into place, and all of my footwork seems to be leading in several very promising directions.  different directions, and i don't know if they'll all fit together.  that's such familiar territory for me.  i always have a million things to do, and have to scramble to fit them all in.  Since my whole schedule planner emptied out 5 weeks ago, i've really learned to love this fly by the seat of my pants way of life.  i'm planning all kinds of road trips, and getting really used to having no place to be.  So suddenly my schedule might be filling up.  I'm feeling pressure to figure out how to fit everything in while i still have time.  id i'm gonna have one job that forces me to at least stay in town, then i might as well get all these other things (like massage school and community college classes, and fire fighter training) done at the same tiem.  but that means coordinating them all, making sure they're in the same vacinity, and that they don't overlap.  then i have to move so that i'm close to that area, and can i afford it?  then what if i have no free time?  what if i go back to all of my old habits?  

ohhhhhhhh.  that's why i was "hungary" a couple of minutes ago.  the opportunities are exciting, yet safe and comfortable when they're only vague possibilities in the distant future, but when they start coming to fruition, i have to face the practicality of them-the logistics rather than just the ideal.

I guess i just have to remember that i only have to do the small steps directly in front of me and i don't have to do everything at once.  most summer classes don't start til june 22.  hmmm.  it just came to me.  over the summer, i want to work at the treatment center and take sign language, and live in the OC...somewhere.  it'll be like summer vacation while i heal.  i can put the other 3 jobs on hold (unless they pursue me) until fall, so i can focus on a few.  so that makes the top priorities 1. my own recovery and program, 2. training for the job i just got? and doing it, 3. getting a place to live down there for a while, and 4. a summer school class.  that's more than enough.  i feel so much better.

Happy Birthday!

I just celebrated my first birthday, and it was the most warm, wonderful, fulfilling birthday week I've ever had.  I love OA, and taking chips and candles!  Both of my sponsors got me cards, and one even gave me a present!  One other meeting sent a card around the room, and everyone signed it.  I haven't thrown a party for myself since i was 12, but at the last minute, i invited everyone at the meeting this morning to a birthday pool party.  Only 3 could make it, but it was perfect.  I'm gonna actually plan ahead next time, and have a real party.  Before my birthday, i was feeling pretty isolated, and really bogged down.  I made a list of things i had on my mind that needed to be processed, and here is the list...my goal is to journal on one each day until my mind is clear of worry.  I expect to be adding to the list as i go, so it may never be completely gone.  I'm sure it will come and go...ebb and flow...like everything else.  but here it is : ) 

  married friend

  taking advantage of friends

  neglecting/procrastinating on return phone calls

x this freakin' dog

  granola bars

x hgh

  nutritionist

  toughness/stupidity-hurting myself

  clearer abstinence?

  jealous of mom

  more productive schedule

  secrets/isolation from coworkers

  new job possibilities

x disability

  new home

  new transportation

  body image: delusion vs accepdance

  have i done permanant harm?  will i ever be the same?

I love my new sponsor.  She gives me lots of homework.  It's adding up fast.  She keeps giving me more and more, and i'm always on the verge of being overwhelmed.  But that's where I do my best work, and feel the best about myself.  I don't have time to write tonight, but i'm doing it.  i don't have time to read for 10 minutes before bed, but I've been doing it for a week now.  I can't possibly write a list of all the activities I think i need to do, and prioratize them, but I did it, and I'm going to put them all on a color coded master schedule, and schedule my weeks in advance...to the best of my ability.  My 4th step is finally moving forward, and is almost done.  thank goodness.  I had a really hard day yesterday, but it passed, and only good things have come of it.  I had a really fun easy day today, and was really present, even though I had some really hard things going on.  So much is on my mind, and i'm not talking or writing enough to thoroughly process it, but I feel good about most of it.  I made a new friend today.  She does "guerilla planting?", and camping, and she's gonna come play on the rings with me.  I'm really excited, and I loved my meeting tonight.  The speaker talked about how putting her compulsive energy into her job for years made her really successful, and we have a similar vague abstinence, because we were both so obsessed with numbers, and black and white, and perfection in our diseases.  I ...crap...i related to practically everything she said, and I always forget what it was afterwards.  ugh.  oh-and now that i've been so buried in program, and having a tighter schedule, my obsession with food seems to be lifting again.  wasn't worried at all about it today, and yesterday was pretty nice too.  ok time to read.

my food has been feeling really compulsive for a while now, and I still haven't been writing.  I was feeling manic about getting home as fast as i could for my favorite sweet "dinner" of frozen fruit mixed with cottage cheese, vanilla protein powder, nuts, and stevia.  But now i'm home, and I still have 15 minutes before the earliest time i can eat according to my food plan.  that means i can't possibly be hungary, and the craving must be a result of something else.  I have definitely been having that disconnected feeling and discontent today.  I'm not sick anymore, and I'm judging myself again.  Last week, if I couldn't get stuff done, or needed to rest, I'd be like "it's ok.  i'm sick.  I must need the rest."  But now, I just think i'm being lazy.  It feels like if I just had the perfect activity available, I'd work out really hard, and get my energy and endorphines up, and feel really good.  Plus, I'd get my metabolism up, and burn some calories, and that would fix ALL of my problems, right?  lol.  it does feel that way.  And then I get the perfect activity, and it's a total disappointment, and i don't feel like doing it.  It's a huge let down, because it felt like this was going to fix everything, and NOTHING changes.  It's just like that illusion that you're going to find the answer to all your problems in the refrigerator.  The stuff you find in there can numb you out for a while, but as soon as you come back to reality, the problems are all still there.  I knew that would be the case when i went to work out today, but I never got warm enough to even get that temporary that I was seeking.  I was completely disinterested in the activity at hand, and just felt stuck in my head.  been watching a lot of movies too.  that's another way of numbing out for me.  but enough about numbing out.  we know i do that.  I'm a compulsive overeater, and obsessing about the symptoms is just another way of distracting from the real issue.

....so what is the real issue?

Well...I feel alone most of the time...like I don't have friends.  I don't think that's true, but I really don't have people in my life that I relate to AND see frequently or hang out with.  My program friends are great, but they're kinda far away, and our schedules never seem to allow us to hang out...at all.  It makes it easy for me to believe that they don't consider me a real friend.  Of course they'll talk and listen if I call them, but do they really want to talk to me?  I don't know for sure.  If they did, why do I still never every hang out with any of them?  Am I not trying hard enough?  Maybe I do give up too easily.  Maybe I'm putting effort into the wrong things.  

OK.  Here's something i'm really upset about.  One of the first people I really connected with in program-an inspiration to me, and someone I've always loved talking to-a long time ago, she said she really liked talking to me, and felt like we had a lot in common.  I used to call her a lot, and we had good conversations.  Over time, our conversations got shorter, and she called me back less frequently.  I feel like she's trying to phase me out.  Like she doesn't like me anymore.  Maybe I'm imagining things.  Maybe she's just really busy.  But I don't know how to approach this.  If I ask her about it, and it's true, she's probably going to feel bad, and obligated to talk to me more, but get resentful at me for it...I guess that's none of my business.  I guess it's up to her to take care of herself, and it's up to me to stand up for myself and tell my truth.  It's hard.  I don't want to.  I guess i should call one of  my sponsors, and ask her how to approach this.

i don't really feel like writing, but it's on my checklist, and I've ignored it 2 days in a row.  I can't in good conscience neglect it again today.  That's part of what i'm working on now.  Being aware enough of the circumstances, my options, and the consequences of my action or inaction to take responsibility, and not get blind sided.  I guess what i want to do is not pay attention to how long i've been going without writing, so that I don't have to feel bad for not doing something i know i'm supposed to do.  its like i think that if i don't know i'm doing something wrong, I won't have to deal with any consequences.  but the consequences come either way.  I'm trying to acknowledge that before I make a choice, and really evaluate whether it's worth it or not.  In this case, are the extra few minutes of sleep i would get if I went to bed now, worth my feelings getting bottled up, my recovery getting stagnant, my program getting weak and careless, and potentially relapseing?  Wow.  not at all.  but I've been skipping writing all of the time, because I simply chose to be negligent.  That's such a pattern for me. I had no idea that's what i was going to write about tonight.  I'm always amazed by what comes out of me when i journal.  I feel so much more self aware when i do this.  No wonder i was feeling icky and slow...even regressive.  I'm really glad i took the extra few minutes to write.  

I  feel a lot better today than i have been for a while.  My inventory checklist is helping me stay on track.  i tried 2 new meetings this week, and i've been making and receiving more phone calls.  it's nice.  i feel loved.  I'm reading "the way of the peaceful warrior", and of course it's wonderful.  I just started doing cardio before breakfast, and that's been feeling good.  it was just a really full productive day, and since I felt so good about myself, I was delighted to find the body obsession dramatically lifted...and the food too.  I've been making much better choices today.  And I actually feel pretty good about my body.  There's such a visual difference from just yesterday (in my eyes).

the best thing i can pray for:

God-help me to trust that you have a plan for me, and that's i'm going to love it.  Help me to know instinctively what actions you would have me take, and grant me the desire to take those actions no matter how hard or impossible they may appear.  Help me to accept and enjoy everything for what it is, exactly how it is...I'm getting wordy.  basically: awareness and willingness.  When i'm most connected, All I really want is to know my higher power's will, and to have the willingness to follow it.  and i feel it now.  it feels good.

disconnected from consequneces

sigh.  the good news is, I could go eat dinner right now, but I know I'm feeling something, and even though I feel like I've processed it in my head, my dinner will be saner if I write about it first.  I have this reaction whenever my roommate calls me out on something.  If I forget to wash a dish or turn off the oven or lock myself out of the apt, he says something about it, and I feel sooooo inferior.  I don't know if it's the way he says it, but it always gets me.  No matter how the rest of the day went, it just breaks me down every time without fail.  Today, I think i understand why.  I think I wrote before about how sensitive I am to "getting in trouble".  When I do something wrong or irresponsible, I justify it to myself.  I couldn't live with myself if I did something wrong out of spite, anger, or inconsiderateness, but if I simply have no other choice, am forced into a corner, and am taking the only possible action with good intentions, then I can accept myself as a good person.  I know it's inconsiderate to leave dirty dishes in the sink, but I'm running so late, and it will have a devastating effect on many other people if I'm late, so I have to leave the dish in the sink.  I will clean it up later.  And besides, my roommate does it sometimes too, so he can't say anything about it.  Through this justification, I have disconnected from the concept that I'm doing anything wrong.  Now if I forget about that dish for a few days and my roommate calls me out on it, I realize that I have done something rude and inconsiderate, that I've inconvenienced someone else, and that they probably think badly of me.

He has this big bin of protein powder.  over christmas, I tried a scoop.  I didn't think he'd notice one missing scoop, but I  got addicted.  I kept taking scoops until I knew I'd have to replace it.  I guess I thought that if I took a small enough amount that he didn't notice, I wasn't wrong for taking it.  And if I replaced exactly what I took, I wasn't doing anything wrong.  The new package didn't come quickly enough to hide it from him, so I came clean, and told him that the new bin was in the mail.  When it arrived, it replaced way more than I had eaten, so I continued to help myself to what was there.  After all, at least half of the new stuff was rightfully mine anyway.  I'm not sure when I surpassed my half of the new protein, but he must keep better tabs on it than I do.  He left a note on my door saying he was charging me for it since I was eating more than my share "and I never asked for permission anyway".  I was soooo hurt by that note!  why?  I realized that I'd felt a little pang of guilt every time I scooped out of that container.  I tried to wait until he wasn't watching.  I was sneaking it, because I wanted more than my fair share.  I had disconnected from the reality that I was stealing his protein powder, but he threw it right out in the open, and I felt naked and hated.  I felt like I was a bad person, and everyone knew it.  I feel like a mooch who takes advantage of everybody, and give out very little in return.  I feel like I do just barely enough for other people to almost believe that I'm not a selfish brat, but not quite enough, and it's heart wrenching when I feel like other people can see me for what I really am.  This is one of the defects I'm writing about in my 4th step.  I don't want to be that person

ohhhh-I get it

Last night someone in program told me that I can't do the things I used to do before program (in reference to training at the level I used to).  I was not in a good state of mind, and interpreted this to the extreme.  I believe that in recovery, I will be able to train at an even higher level once I am able to keep my brain turned on and go full force right up to the line of "too much", but stop before I get there; rest in a productive healthy way, while studying other parts or things, and go hard again as soon as I'm ready.  I think that's part of God's plan for me, and having access to what i need to do to stay in line with that will make me more effective at everything.  i'm just not there yet.  i'm still in the awkward phase, and last night when she made that statement, my plan for my future was challenged.  "you can't have that stuff in recovery.  Would you rather have that stuff or recovery?"  and in that moment, without hesitation, my answer was "that stuff".  I wanted recovery because i had lost it in my eating disorder, and getting it back was my whole meaning and purpose in life, my reason for seeking out recovery.  the thing is, I may or may not have that stuff in recovery, but without recovery I have nothing.  and this day was about reminding me of that fact.  Last night, I unintentionally made the decision to seek out success in my plan- my will.  I stuck to my recovery routine as much as I could, but prioritized my training above it.  within an hour of waking up, everything began slipping through my fingers today.  It's amazing how fast it felt like I was losing everything.  Today was a perfect reminder of why recovery comes first.  first and always.  because if I don't make time for recovery, I have nothing.  I lost the initiative to take action in anything.  I wanted to do everything, but couldn't make myself do anything except seek out food, and I went just beyond the edges of my food plan in every way I could .  Exertion of my crazy self will tore me down today.  I'm really grateful that I was receptive and insightful enough to learn from it.  Tonight my prayer is to let go of all of that self will, and wake up with the willingness to put all the energy and motivation I was inspired with yesterday into taking the hard contrary actions which will align me with my higher power.  the willingness to truly explore the things that i'm scared of, and to push myself to the absolute extent of my ability in the ways that are healthy.  i think I do get it.

I went out for a run this evening, and considered stopping into a salsa class ... just in case I happened to pass one on my home...there actually wasn't one, but if there was...

so at first i was like 

"but i look so ratty in this old t-shirt", but I was like 

"no.  it's OK.  my sports bra matches my pants", but then 

"i can't do a dance class with my stomach showing now.  my stomach is too flabby today."

then I thought about it for a second, and realized it was ok, because I wouldn't know anyone in a random salsa class.  they wouldn't know that I have to be a super hero...because everybody else knows that I do have to be a super hero?  It hit me how funny that idea was, and how skewed my perception is of everybody else's perception of me is.  I feel like everyone in my line of work knows that I have the potential to be a super hero, and if I let them see my flaws, they will be disgusted with me.  This is such a hard thing for me to get past.  There are a million and one things that I want to do, and usually any time I try something new, I demonstrate amazing potential at it...physical skills that is.  It becomes obvious that whatever I'm trying, if I really put some work into it, I can become exceptional at it.  I want to live up to that potential in everything, and so I have this picture of me in my head- what I think I'm supposed to be.  This image of me assumes that I've trained like an elite athlete in virtually every sport and physical skill known to man.  In reality, I could probably achieve greatness in any one of these things.  Maybe even 2, but I beat myself up for not being ALL of them right now.  I make progress in one, and slip back in another.  What's hard for me to accept is that maybe that's OK.  The problem is a lack of humility.  I expect to be a super hero, so I'm surprised and devastated when I demonstrate repeatedly that I am in fact human.  No one expects more than that...

crap.

that was comforting for about 5 seconds.

no one expects more than that except me and one other person.  My role model, coach, and mentor who is no longer around.  He believed in me.  He tried to teach me how to think for myself- how to train multiple things at once- how to be efficient with my training.  Don't learn specific tricks.  Learn air awareness.  Don't memorize combinations.  Learn to see and understand movement, and to be able to think on your toes.  Stay turned on.  But I didn't want to listen.  I wanted to be a robot, and follow orders without thinking, and now i'm left on my own with nobody's orders to follow but my own.  I know it's good for me, and I just have to go through this awkward phase, and force myself to think for myself.  I can't just wait around for someone else to do it for me.  I just thought I'd get it by now.  I need some training partners.  a group.  I feel alone and abandoned...again.  it's not like I'm unique in this.  I know it's up to me to do the work and get out there.  It's my own fault for isolating myself, but ugh!  it's so hard...but i know what he would have told me about that...about anything.  "the hard is what makes it great."  He's right.  I really want to get in with this one group that's already in existence.  They're definitely already ahead of me, and I'm afraid of 2 things: one, that they won't want me, and two, if they do let me in, I'll give up on thinking for myself and follow whatever they do.  I have been noticing this obnoxious problem lately...

so I'm a compulsive overeater, but I'm  also a restricter and extreme dieter.  I have to be careful of certain alcoholic foods, but I also have to practice accepdance of foods that I consider imperfect.  Now rather than take contrary action in both of those areas to improve my recovery, I use each one as an excuse to act out in both ways.  for example, I know that frozen yogurt and sweet breads are problems for me, but lately, I've been saying that they're OK, and even good because I'm practicing not restricting.  then I suffer the consequences.  pain in the butt.

I feel like for the past couple of weeks I've been looking over the edge of a cliff-sensing that death drop getting closer and closer, and I've been crying out for help, and then regaining composure, and then crying out again.  Today I feel like I've stepped over the edge, and I'm standing on the loose dirt that's all slipping away under my feet.  It feels like the landslide is in motion, and I'm on it with no power to stop it.  Nothing disasterous has happened, nor is it certain that it will.  It just feels like all the old warning signs have popped up-all the old thoughts and behaviors have been set in motion, and i'm taking almost none of the tools I've learned to help myself.  I'm just waiting to see if anyone answers my call for help.  that sounds so pitiful, but it does go right along with what i've been so upset about lately.  how I feel like no one is there for me unless I drag them in.  I want so badly to know that if I'm in trouble, someone who loves me is going to swoop in and save me.  Is this a desperate attempt to find out if anyone cares?  Is that part of what my eating disorder was about to begin with?  Did I get myself into trouble just to see if anyone was paying attention?  Maybe today is just an emotional reaction to the chance meeting I had yesterday...the 2 sentence conversation I had with the one person who ever gave me that sense of security.  I think the reminder  of what it was like to feel so safe and protected, and to see that I really don't have that right now was just really triggering.  I think I'm just acting out because I want someone to swoop in and save me like before.  That would be so much easier.  I have to remember that I don't want to be that kind of needy person.  As much as I want to know that someone is there for me, I want to know that I can stand on my own two feet, and take care of myself so that I can be present and useful to others.  This is hard.  I have such a strange feeling right now.  I want to run away to some exotic beautiful location in nature, but i'm not willing to go anywhere.  I want to do something exciting, but I'm not willing to get up.  I want to get really skinny, but I want to eat more and more, and my meals have been messy today.  my knee hurts, but i don't feel like icing it.  my stomach is full, and it feels like frozen yogurt would fix it.  luckily, it doesn't seem like it's worth the effort it would take to go get it.  I want to drill certain skills over and over so I can be as good as the guys I worked with yesterday, but i'm just not willing to do it right now.  I want someone else to make me do it.  i don't know what's best for me right now.  I think this day i like...I was inspired by what I saw people doing yesterday.  I was inspired to buckle down and start working harder...really hard, and be good like them.  They don't have to practice gentleness and rest time the way I do, and they're really good and in great shape.  I was inspired to train the way they do, which is what I used to try to do, and I think a part of me trembled at the idea.  My all or nothing thinking said that I was about to kick into over-training self-harm mode, and I rebelled against it by ... self sabotauging.  I ate a little too much at breakfast.  Then I felt bad for getting off to a bad start, and wanted to compensate by working even harder than I'd been sub-consciously planning, and the fear of having to do that caused me to fight back even harder in my default instinctive way: I ate a bigger lunch.  and all the stress of how to workout and get better, and thinner/leaner/stronger/faster, and the feelings of inadequacy and lonliness...they're all still there.  I've just been skipping around them...avoiding them by trying to plan activities that i'm just not willing to do right now...and yet am desperate to do them.  I'm so confused, but I seem to have somehow made sense of it.  So maybe my instinct this morning that I was overflowing with emotions to process was right.  maybe I should have kept calling people to talk to instead of choosing one person, and waiting on her, and then missing her phone call when she called back.  Now I've put it off long enough that I'm missing the activities I really wanted to go to today.  I just feel like a car with the hood popped open.  It had some problems and was making some funny noises, but it was running.  I had to pop the hood, and take everything out to find the problems, and fix them.  Now that some stuff is out in the light, I think things are getting better, but you can't tell, because you can't very well drive a car around town with the hood popped and the engine in pieces.  it's hard to be in that place.  I feel really tired and vulnerable right now.  I don't want to go anywhere, but i don't have a mechanic in my house.  I can't expect to get better just by waiting around.  especially if I'm gonna eat meals like I've been having today.

I don't have much time to write, but i just had a kinda breakthrough thought, which I'll have to process later, but I had to write it down before I forgot about it.  As weird as it sounds, I was just noticing how I seem so dramatically more sensitive since starting "recovery", and how my self esteem and confidence actually feel lower.  Weird, right?  Well I want to learn how to love and accept myself for exactly who and what I am right now.  I never had any real confidence in that.  I had a ton of self confidence in what I had the potential to be in the future, but nothing I did in the moment felt like it was worth anything.  Since I realized that several months ago, I have taken the emphasis off of physical quantifiable achievements and anything in the future, and have been trying to love and accept where i am right now.  It's hard for that to live up to the person I've always demanded I become (a super-human specimen of perfection).  I look at myself in the moment, and can't qualify by saying "well I'm here now, which means if I work my ass off, in 2 years, I'll be here, and that means I'm good."  you know?  I'm getting better at accepting where I am now, but relying on a promising future for self validation was a big crutch for me.  It's hard to feel like I'm enough when I can't lean on that anymore.  I haven't really been feeling like enough lately.  It's not a fun feeling.  I have to work hard to convince myself that I am.  And then I walk right into a situation where others confirm that I'm not enough.  not for them, or the job they need me to do.  it's hard.  It's ok.  and i know i'm where I'm supposed to be, and it's all for the best.  but it is hard.  and I still feel alone.  I am glad I said this out loud today, because I realized how silly i was being.  I said "I feel like everything I've gotten in recovery, I've had to do myself."  I was crying about it, because I wanted to know that people and friends and sponsors were helping and guiding me.  I wanted to surrender and take direction, but I feel like I have to do it myself.  ...  but really ... isn't that probably how it should be?  i'm so silly.  and i'm tired.  good night.

ugh.  i don't feel like writing, but my head was swirling earlier today, and I know there's just tons to get out.  I don't even know where to start.

OK.  how about a list.  That always helps me when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

-anger

-new theory on intuitive eating: the role of sugar/getting in touch with my body

-not feeling taken care of

-injuries: what is god trying to tell me?

-moodiness/eggshells

Body Image and New Directions

I just had a crazy thought...or maybe it's not.  Maybe it's my first taste of real sanity coming out of the cloudiness.  I don't know.  But here is the general idea:

My body image has improved dramatically since last year when I started working the 12 steps, turning my body over to a higher power, and trying to accept myself as I am.  So much in my life has stabilized since that time, and my eating and exercise habits have cleaned up and balanced out quite a bit.  I don't weigh myself, so I can never really be sure if I've actually lost weight and leaned out, or if it's just my perception that has changed.  I'm often tempted to check the scale, to see ... to get confirmation that my body really is in better shape than last year, and I'm not just imagining it.  I used to feel disgusted and embarassed by my thighs and lack of definition in my abs and arms and ugh-i hated the hips and thighs!  Most of the time, I feel pretty good about my body.  Frequently, I can see all eight of my abs, and that crease that goes straight up the outside of the leg between the quads and hamstrings- it goes almost all of the way up to my hips without interruption.  Most of the time, I think I look really good!  I'm almost sure I'm in better shape than I was last year...but what if I'm not?  What if I haven't gotten any better, and I look exactly like I did back when I was bingeing on icecream all day?  what if?  what if I've brainwashed myself...conditioned my thoughts to live in a delusion that distorts my self image, so that I think i'm in good shape, and I imagine abs to make myself feel good, when really I'm chubby, and everyone else can see it?  (and here's the good part)  and what if the real delusion was how I saw myself before, and everyone else sees me as I see myself now (or even better), and I really had nothing to be embarased about before.  What if I was healthy, fit, and lean all along, and I was ashamed for nothing.  I was the only one who could see flab.  I've been afraid to get on the scale and find that I weight the same as what I weighed back then.  But that's because I programmed myself to believe that my weight back then was disgustingly obese.  What if that was actually a beautiful healthy weight, and I just couldn't accept it?  What if I really AM ok exactly how I am right now, regardless of how much I weigh or know, or what skills I can do?  ...or if I'm injured... i guess that's a shift in topics.  and yes- this is something I have to talk about tonight.  It's getting late, and I'm much rather ignore it, and go back to watching my movie on netflix, but I was crying hysterically on the way home from the doctor today.  I don't know what's wrong with my leg right now, and i am not handling it well.  i am really scared.  i hate doctors.  i swear they don't know anything.  i'm so frustrated.  He kept talking about sprains and strains, arthritis, and tendonitis, based on my history, but I know what those kinds of pain feel like, and it's not that!  Yes.  it's in my history, so of course I've felt it before, and I know how it feels, and that's not what's bothering me right now.  My ankle gets jammed-stuck-it feels like it's out of place.  I've learned how to shift it back in, but when it's out, then certain movements send shooting pains from my ankle straight up to my knee.  It's pulling on my adductor and my calf in a weird way that's making them constantly sore and tight.  It's creeping me out.  It's just...ok...this is the part that scares me...I believe everything happens for a reason, and when it seems like things have gone horribly wrong, it's God's way of telling us to move in a different direction.  I've been injured with multiple various problems for 1 year and 4 months.  I had minor aches and accidents for about 4 months before that.  And with the exception of the 2 years immediately prior to that, I have spent an average of 2 weeks on crutches every year since I was 16.  That's a lot.  it's quite a record.  I keep having people tell me that I have to rest for 4 weeks or 8 weeks, or whatever.  They insist that if I do, I'll get better and be truly healthy again.  Then I do it, and think i'm better, and then something else comes up, and they insist that I have to really take time off, and then I'll be healthy.  But it keeps going on and on, and the injury evolves.  I get hope that it's going to fade, and then it comes back in an unexpected, more confusing way.  What if this is God's way of telling me that I've gotten what I was supposed to get from pursuing my current dream, and now it's time to move on to something else?  I'm so scared.  I love new things, and all, but I love my job and my dream.  I don't want to let go of it.  And I feel like I've let go of so many things (all of them kicking and screaming), but I don't want to be a quitter.  and I don't want to quit!  I want to do this for many many years!  and I want to be amazing at it!  And I don't feel qualified for anything else.  oh.  I think that's the little kink that's been chipping away at my self esteem for the past week or two, building itself up, and gnawing away at my self esteem.  My self worth has always been tied up in the future.  I have the potential to be great at anything, but I've devoted so much time and energy towards one thing, and then given up before I reached the top, and then put it all into some other thing with an equally short lifespan, and then shifted again, and again, and if this doesn't work out, I feel like I'd have to start all over again with something new, but it would be useless, because right before I got to the point where I could use it for anything useful, I would quit AGAIN!!!  (oh my gosh!  I almost just said "I hate myself".  I thought it!)  Wow.  this is serious.  So, what is the solution?  I guess I just have to let go and let god.  If his plan is for me to do something different, it's going to be for my best good anyway.  No matter what I plan for myself, his plan is better.  Maybe, he's not changing my job.  I don't have to know or decide.  I just have to pray, and to be willing to listen for the answers.  It doesn't mean I have to quit my career, and go job hunting.  It means I have to listen to my body extra hard, research and seek out various doctors and specialists, and keep my eyes wide open for any new opportunities.  Maybe I'm going to travel, or go off into the wilderness, or learn to meditate, or...who knows?  I am definitely stuck in a little bit of a rut right now.  I'm scared to try anything new, because I can't handle the idea of missing an hour of my schedule of usual training.  Even day trips stress me out.  I work freelance, but I won't go anywhere or do anything out of the ordinary, because I'm afraid of missing a single potential day of work.  That's not healthy.  I think something's going to change in a good way.  I don't know what, and I don't know how.  But I feel a little bit more serenity around this.  I'm still a little scared, but kinda excited too.

Ha!  I just decided to take care of myself by not going to a workout in the park.  Then I immediately felt uncomfortable about the decision, and started wondering when or what I could eat next.  Psycho!  I'm so funny.  cool that i can recognize it though, right?  I don't know what I'm going to do.  I think i might go to the park and hang out.  I'll skip the leg stuff, but maybe do some of the upper body stuff.  I have a lot to get done today, but... 

OK. list.  I will list the top priorities for today.  that way, I can stop stressing about getting those nebulous things done, and actually do them.

-pay phone and credit card bills

-add up and fill up tax forms

-call Sava

-print and staple

-stretch

-settle saturday plans

ok.  now that it's all out in the open, I can let go of it.  I'm gonna get some good outdoor time with friends, and connect with people.  Then I'm gonna come back here, and take care of that list!

time to eat my words : )

I've been talking a lot lately about how I learned to use my intense food cravings as windows of opportunity to discover the underlying feeling at the root of it.  Whenever I felt the urge to binge, I would write until I could uncover what I'd burried.  Well, I just finished a meal, and I have a million reasons why it's OK for me to eat more, but the other side of the argument is being silenced.  That's my compulsive behavior coming up.  It's been rearing its head lately, and I've been making allowances for it.  Today...right now, I'm writing instead.  My actions are not based purely in fear and urgency like they used to be.  I don't feel like the world will come crashing down if I have one extra bite outside of my food plan.  I'm doing OK...really well, and I'm voluntarily enlarging my spiritual program...actually this is kinda cool.  My initial surrender and submission to God's will was painful.  It felt fake...like..."I'm not doing this because I like you or trust you, or have come to believe in your cause.  I'm surrendering because I've been beaten into submission, and I know that eventually you're going to get your way anyway.  If I go along with it now, I may experience slightly less pain and demoralization."  But today, it's different.  I do believe in God's cause.  I do want to do it his way.  I recognize that what he has planned for me is better than whatever I can plan for myself, and I'm totally willing to surrender my will whenever I recognize that I'm forcing it.  It's hard, but different.  and much nicer.  In fact, this time, it only took me about 10 minutes to get past that craving for more lunch.  That's pretty cool.  That's really cool.

I worked on my 4th step today, and I've already gone to a meeting and had some good phone conversations with people in program.  I even connected with some strangers!  and HAPPY 9 MONTHS TO ME!!!

Celebrate Victories

I realized tonight that I set goals and mile-markers to strive for and measure my progress, and I have them all set up on a pedestal.  Each goal seems like an amazing distant accomplishment to be celebrated, gaining relevance as it approaches, until right before it, when it seems certain.  Then its value plummets, and by the time I've achieved it, it's nothing.  "Yeah, I did it, but it's not that big of a deal.  I didn't do it that well." or "it's nothing compared to ..."  Why would I deprive myself of the joy of success?  Here is my current theory...

-I always think I'm not enough, so I expect everyone else to think the same thing if they know what I really am...if they know the truth.  I won't lie about what I am, but I stress the future, and what I have the potential to be.  I try to draw all focus away from where I am right now, so that you will see me for what I can be.  Hopefully, then, you will overlook the fact that I'm not there yet.  If I am excited about where I am now, I'm afraid that you will know how much of a challenge it was for me to get there, and will know that this is me, at my best.  I want you to think that this is just a little stepping stone in the middle of some down time, and normally I'm much better than this.  9 months is nothing, because I'm going to have 20 years someday.  I'm really on a 20 plus year abstinence...only I'm 9 months into it.  who can get excited about 9 months when you know that you're bound for so much more?  I want you to see me for how recovered I'm going to be, because I don't think I'm enough...no matter where I am.  And if I were at 20 years now, cool.  that would be super long and extraordinary, but I would brush it off as "just another year", because I couldn't give myself that victory either.  It's not about how big or small the victory is.  It's about my attitude towards it.  Kinda like birthdays...

So my contrary action is to accept this as a great achievement without minimizing or criticizing it in any way.  I will share it and brag about it at all of my meetings, and own my recovery.  I may even lead a meeting tomorrow...since my leader flaked out, and didn't even tell me!!! ugh.  acceptance.  

I've been feeling much much better today.  making phone calls and staying connected to friends makes a big difference in my life.  i'm tired, and i need to sleep .  good night.

evaluating consequences

My roommate just asked "you're parents didn't discipline you much as a kid, did they..."  actually it was more of a statement.  I hadn't put much thought into it before, but he was right.  He made the observation several hours after watching my absurd reaction to a conversation we had this afternoon.  He said I can't handle it when anyone makes any comment that even resembles disciplinary criticism or anything like that.  It was kinda a weird way of saying it, but he's totally right.  When anyone points out something I've done wrong or not well or failed to do... I take it as a personal attack, and just don't know what to do.  I feel like a horrible person.  I cry.  It's absurd.  "How do you handle it?" I asked him.  I guess I just think about it before I do it, and once I make a decision, I let it go.  If I'm breaking a rule, I know the consequences, and account for that risk in my decision to do it.  If I cry when I get caught, it's kinda childish, because I knew going into it that it was a possibility.

That makes perfect sense, I thought.  Don't I do that?  In a lot of things, I do.  I recognize the risk, and accept the possibility of the consequences.  But there are a lot of things I do that don't necessarily correspond with my moral code.  Most of them are little things, like procrastinating or not cleaning up after myself, but I get away with them so much that I gradually disconnect from the idea that I'm doing anything wrong or potentially hurtful to anyone else.  Then if anyone else calls me out on it, it's more of a sudden blow.  There was no prior consideration of the consequences- just action (or inaction).  The reminder or reprimand not only tells me that I am doing something bad and unacceptable.  It also reminds me that I have broken my own moral code, and that I know better, so I feel bad about my integrity.  Of course this is deeply hurtful.  Of course I cry.  So the answer (like always) is awareness.  

gotta be honest

Today is kinda a hard day.  I just had a scary borderline meal.  It's amazing how similar it was to a binge, and yet how different at the same time.  It's a good measure of how far I've come in recovery, but also a clear reminder that I am by nature a compulsive overeater, and that my daily reprieve is based on the daily maintenance of my spiritual program.

This morning I decided not to go to my usual workout.  Last night, I considered going to the hospital instead, because my leg hurts...it's weird...i don't know why.  But today it was feeling a little better.  Still, i've been feeling sick and really bogged down lately, and thought I could use a day off.  This is not a normal thing for me.  I'm really not comfortable with making that sort of decision for myself.  There are a lot of things I really wanted to do today that are really important, and I feel guilty about missing every one of them, and i don't know what to do with myself when i stay home anyway.  i have all this stuff that I need to do here, but I keep getting stuck infront of a movie, and doing nothing.  Am i that tired?  do i need that much rest? or is it something else.  I think I've gotten behind on my writing and spiritual maintenance.  I had begun to develop this amazing clarity, but it all got foggy recently.  It's like a couple of big things were revealed, and I latched onto them with my typical tunnel vision, which caused me to somehow lose contact with the source, and every thing got all bogged up.  So I've been feeling blind and alone for about a week.  I haven't really been looking at my schedule either, so I feel lost.  Like the world is going on and I'm not there.  I'm off on my own trying to catch up, but the more I try to compensate in isolation, the farther behind I fall.  I hate it.  And I feel like I don't know what to do to get back into the world.  The things that tend to ground me are writing, making a to-do list, making and returning phone calls, going to my favorite meetings, making plans and putting them on my schedule, and sticking to my food plan.  I want to turn this day around now.  But first i have to be honest about the meal I just had.  The things I did well which have changed based on things I learned in program are highlighted throughout this summary.  I was feeling guilty about not going places, and obligated to take action on mundane tasks, but couldn't bring myself to deal with these things.  I couldn't stop thinking about muffins.  I took a few minutes to acknowledge what could be going on in my head that was making me uncomfortable, and then made a phone call to talk about it.  I got some good advice.  I read in the big book until a very reasonable amount of time had passed since breakfast.  It was time for a meal anyway.  I rode my bicycle to the store, and considered buying a lot of foods that would not be in my best interest.  large bags of dried fruit, french vanilla creamer, chips, cookies, cakes...even ice cream.  instead, I bought a few groceries to put in the freezer, and for my meal, I bought a blueberry muffin, a piece of carrot bread, and a protein bar.  Granted- this is not a balanced meal (although you could try calling it one if you really want to stretch the imagination...fruit: blueberry, vegetable: carrot, protein, dairy, grain...it's all there...kinda)  but the compulsive desire was so familiar and scary, and the way I drove myself to find those foods to fulfill the craving was ...ugh.  I knew it wouldn't help!  I knew it wouldn't nurture...but I was compelled.  I prayed.  "please help me to be reasonable during this meal.  Please help me to stay conscious and aware and not hurt myself."  I don't know exactly what I said, but I asked God to be with me during my meal.  That's different.  And I bought a relatively small quantity.  I used to buy seemingly endless quantities, because...what if I ran out!?  This time I knew that I would come to an end, and probably want more, and that would be OK.  This wasn't going to be the last time I could have these things, so I didnt' have to stuff it all in now.  My choices for a meal, and the mindset when I selected them was scary, but when I finished eating them at home, it was worse.  I wasn't willing to be done.  I got 2 slices of flaxseed bread from the fridge, toasted them, and ate them.  I still couldn't stop, but i was also just barely aware that I wasn't full.  I took out leftovers from sunday night's dinner, and some sliced roast beef.  this was at least balanced compared to all of the carbohydrates I'd just eaten.  after a few bites of roast beef, I felt somewhat satisfied.  I was still compelled to eat more, but I knew it was time to stop, and I felt full.  not uncomfortably full, but full.  So that's cool.  I'm still emotionally uncomfortable, but I'm writing about it.  hopefully I'll write more today.  I think I've got a lot on my mind.

immediate benefits

It's funny how as soon as I start amping up my program, I see amazing positive changes in my life.  Back when I was in treatment, and digging into this stuff full time, I had huge life changing revelations every couple of days, and this week feels like that again.

I didn't know how hard it was to be present until I started really trying to live 100% committed to the moment I'm in.  I catch myself drifting off into my own little fantasy world every 30 seconds.  It takes so much focus for me to simply pay attention to what's going on around me, especially when I'm doing a simple repetative action like driving.  As unsafe as it sounds, I probably drive for more than 10 minutes at times on autopilot with absolutely no awareness of where I am or what i'm doing, because i find it more interesting to contemplate my recovery or schedule my week or rewrite lyrics to a song.  The moments on the trip tonight in which I WAS present made me realize how vital it is to stay that way as much as possible, and how much better it will make me at EVERYTHING!  Being present and aware of your surroundings makes you able to adapt to whatever is going on.  This will make me better at every physical skill I do in my job, and even at conversation.  The brain is a muscle like any other in the body.  Right now, it's weak.  I can barely flex it long enough to hold my attention on even things I generally find fascinating, but giving up and getting frustrated won't help that.  By continuing to challenge myself, and repeatedly do what I can't do- focus on the present longer than I can - I will get better at it.  I will learn  to read the environment and the people in it.  Soon I will be able to respond to it, and someday, I'll be able to see things coming before they happen.  That's what happens when you pay enough attention.  You learn how certain movements have characteristic telegraphs, and you learn to see them coming, so before they become a threat, you know multiple escape plans, and can evaluate the best one.  Prevent accidents and disasters...achieve the best case scenario in any given circumstances.  how cool!?  But part of that process is NOT dwelling on how good i WILL be at it.  I just have to focus on now - flexing that weak muscle.

and asking questions.  I've uncovered this fear of asking questions.  my goal for the week is to ask as many dumb questions as possible to get comfortable.  put myself out there.

I've begun to develop a sense of how to push myself without causing self harm.  the whole self-care thing used to scare me because i didn't know if i'd ever learn how to get better and excel at things if I couldn't push myself beyond my limits for fear of hurting myself, but that is now becoming clear...gradually.

I've become adept at "screen door theory", which means when someone yells at me, I can filter out the useful information and apply it without paying attention to their tone or any hurtful words.  this is so useful and self loving!  

My eating is cleaner

I'm feeling more rested, and my days seem fuller.

this is cool.

I am soooo not present

So this evening while my instructor was wrapping up class and going over information I thought I already knew, I was thinking about the movie "Peaceful Warrior", and how cool it is to be present, when I realized that by thinking about the movie, I was completely not present in the class.  It was rediculous.  I've been paying particular attention to it all day, and realized that I'm probably completely present less than 10 percent of the time.  I can't get through 3 steps of choreography that I already know with out my mind wandering off to some more challenging or entertaining topic.  They may be great interesting topics, but what happened to "there are no ordinary moments"?  I'm not paying attention.  and I CAN'T even when I am determined to do so.  when I'm actually performing a series of moves that I know, even if I put intense effort into focusing on the details of each movement, I will get distracted my little thoughts or ideas, and switch my movements over to autopilot.  My mind wanders whenever I get bored with a conversation.  I found this phenomenon so interesting and troubling that I spent the whole ride home contemplating it (rather than paying attention to my immediate surroundings...like the road and cars!)  I'm not sure what character defect that is, but it's something I'm trying to take note of and address.  

Things I did really well today:

-I woke up early enough to have a relaxing morning and do all of my meditations even though I forgot to set my alarm for 6 am!

-I had a really good long conversation about learning to be present and keenly aware of people, and how to apply that to the art I'm learning, and agreed to commence intense training towards that end with my instructor.

-Had a good talk with another OA about intuitive eating, and how i'm learning to apply it

-Took action to get a last minute apt with a new therapist, and went!  I've also agreed to do homework of asking questions when i hang out with a new friend tomorrow.  that's gonna be hard and scary, but i'll check back in on that.

-got a massage

-practiced detaching from pain.  holy crap that was hard, but when I can acknowledge that i'm not being damaged, and it's actually repairing old injuries, I had to just accept it.  "it's just pain" and relax into it.  stop fighting it.  i actually did it.  it doesn't feel quite as bad when you stop fighting.

-iced 

-ordered my favorite healthy gorilla lite green juice

-went to a group meeting, contributed my opinion to the discussion, and volunteered to head up a committee

-made a dentist appointment

-wrote out my schedule for the week

-i'm doing some writing and inventory

-i've pretty well minded my fullness at every meal today!  I ate all of my dinner, but I think i needed it all.

-did some business with pictures

amping up my recovery!

I feel inspired to work a stronger program.  Here are the things I did today for my recovery...

make a few phone calls in the morning

Awesome service!

bought aspirin

used mouthwash

detox foot things

writing

cleaned room and folded clothes

stopped eating only one bite after I knew I was satisfied, and left the rest in the fridge!!!!

stopped my movie halfway through so I could get to bed early

extra writing

read step one in the OA 12 and 12

packed my bag for tomorrow so that I can have a more relaxing morning and not feel rushed

made a to-do list for the day

took a really nice shower

pray

meditate

Commitment

I haven't been writing.  I've gotten a lot better at talking, feeling, processing, and dealing with things in the moment as they come up.  I'm feeling more secure and serene most of the time.  But I'm missing out on a lot of recovery by not writing on a regular basis.  I think my eating would have been cleaner yesterday if I'd started writing right when i got home.  I'm really tired right now.  crap.  I just got a new sponsee.  I'm glad.  I'm excited for the opportunity to help someone, and I know that this will inspire me to be more diligent with my own program.  I've been getting out of my structured routine that i've had for a while.  That's good and bad.  It's really cool that i have so many opportunities opening up to me, and that I'm ready and able to take them.  I'm staying sane and abstinent, but i'm devoting a lot less time to my program as a result.  And because i'm using the tools only "as needed" instead of on a regular daily schedule, the reflex to use them is weakening.  Almost every day this week, I've practiced living in the world or working out in more fun exciting places, which has brought me home a little later.  As a result, I've altered my morning routine, sleeping in and grabbing breakfast on the go.  It makes perfect sense in my head, because i save time by getting ready and eating at the same time, but my morning prayer is rushed and less thoughtful, and my meditation is nonexistant.  For one day, that's not the end of the world, but when that becomes the norm, which it seems to be, we're heading for trouble.  It's hard, because I want to be able to go with the flow and try new things.  Most of my favorite workouts and activities, including meetings keep me out til 10 or 10:30 pm, which makes it difficult to get up at 6 am for training.  OK.  for this week, I'm going to commit to setting my alarm with enough time to do all of my morning meditation, and if I need more sleep, then I can miss my first class.  I'll try that for a week.  I've also been a little lax on my rule about snacking while preparing food or adding extras.  This week, I'm also going to be more diligent with my foodplan.  it's simple and clear cut.  It meets my needs, and I don't need to pad it.  This week, I will abide by it.  I can make more phone calls, and more outreach.  I've been doing well sharing more, oh!  but I can remember to congratulate chip-takers and thank the leader.  I can update my to-do list.  oh!  4th step.  i need to work on that, and maybe i can set a time to work on it with my sponsor.  And the main #1 project for me to work on this week...those are all simple concrete actions, but this is the fuzzier internal thing: listen to my heart-my intuition- my higher power.  I've been talking a lot about my new understanding that I really can have, do, or be anything I want as long as I am willing to connect with what it is that I really really want.  I have been willing to question my desires, to compare compulsion with my higher power's will.  I've been able to see the difference, but I haven't been very willing to listen.  strange.  I know it's a muscle, though, and just seeing it is a big step.  At first it may be hard, but the more effort I put into listening now, the sooner it will get easy.  I want to commit to really listening, and acting accordingly...i keep wanting to say "as much as  I can", and leave room for error, but I truly believe that you can do anything you set your mind to.  Part of me just doesn't want to do it.  If I commit fully, my life will get better faster.  I want to push myself.  challenge myself.  I want to do this.  I can feel the resistance.  It's just like the trick I tried in the gym on thursday.  I knew i wanted it, and that i would feel better as soon as I did it, but I didn't want to.  I kept doing drills to perfect the mechanics before I tried anything.  Preparation is good, but I was limiting myself.  When i became aware that the primary reason I hadn't tried it yet was because I was scared, I took a deep breath and chucked it.  it wasn't pretty, but it released so much tension.  It felt way better.  The only way to grow or get better is to DO what you can't do.  Commit to DOING it.  not trying to do it to the best of your ablility, but really doing it.  Very well.  this is uncomfortable, but I've fought for the right to be uncomfortable, and I'm going to exercise that right.  I want to get better, so this week, I'm going to eat intuitively within the confines of my food plan.  I don't care if there's one bite or 50 left on my plate.  If I'm full or satisfied, I'm done.  I can do this.  and i'm going to.

Slip? Uh oh.

Ya know, you'd think after that last little revelation, things would have picked up, but i had a kinda strange reaction.  I threw up.  It wasn't really intentional.  My stomach was hurting, and i kept burping violently, but i had to get ready to leave to lead a meeting.  I was so uncomfortable going to lead a meeting after the kinda excessive emotional eating I had done earlier that day, but I got up and started trying to move and work some of the air and crampiness out of my stomach.  I was in the shower, and these burps were just exploding out of me.  I kept massaging my stomach to try to help work stuff out.  I twisted, and bent, and leaned over, and opened my mouth, and threw up.  I stood up in a little bit of shock, and debated whether it was OK.  What if I leaned over again?  I threw up a significant amount 2 more times in the next minute.  I didn't force it.  I just leaned over and burped, and allowed my body to get rid of some of the crap that was upsetting my stomach.  I felt better, but I knew there was a lot more that I could get out if I tried.  Suddenly the fear struck me, and I cried.  I finished my shower and dried off.  My stomach still hurt, and I knew it wouldn't be hard to throw up if I actually tried, but I don't do that anymore.  And it didn't feel like it used to.  not at all.  I used to make the decision to throw up halfway through, or even before the binge.  This time, there was no decision.  There wasn't even really a binge.  At no point during my extended snack did I say to myself "well, I already blew it, might as well keep going."  There was a point where I thought i might be full, and I waited a few minutes, but not feeling any discomfort, I chose to eat more.  When I finished eating, I became slightly aware of some minor discomfort from fullness.  This is very different from the old binges where I used to continue eating even after I felt like I was going to explode, and try to stuff more in so that I could throw up.  This time, I recognized minor discomfort, closed up the unfinished package, and put it in the cupboard.  Only later did it churn my stomach into terrible cramping.  the throw up was accidental, and not until 3 hours later after I made phone calls, took a nap, did some writing...my next meal was a little late, because my stomach still hurt, but I'm pretty much back to normal life.  I feel a lot better having written about it. coming clean.  and i'm starting to feel really excited to see the guys at work tomorrow.  I've been stressing about it so much that I forgot how much fun i'm going to have!  I love my job, and being challenged, and i love these guys.  I look up to them soooo much, and they're so good at what they do, and at teaching.  If I can't do something, I'll get to learn.  It's actually really really exciting.

I've been feeling really self conscious about working with some guys I used to know.  I'm going to see them for the first time in a year tomorrow, and I don't know how to interact with them.  In the back of my mind, I know they're going to wonder why I haven't improved, and why in some ways, I'm even rusty at the things I was better at then.  Especially since they were already so much better than me, I've been feeling really scared about having to explain why i'm not better.  Of course, I have some really freakin' good reasons.  really good.  In fact, if any rational person heard half of the reasons, not only would they accept them; they'd probably be shocked at how well I've managed to maintain the skills I still have.  I really haven't lost that much, and in all honesty, I'll probably be back at the same level I was within another month, and then I'll be on the way up again.  but that's all future and guesswork, and therefore beside the point.  What I realized a few minutes ago is that the half explanation I plan on presenting to "the guys" if they question me will probably be fully satisfactory to them as long as I deliver it with confidence and acceptance.  The only person who still seems incapable of accepting me where I am is me.  When I tell my story, I sound like I have something to hide, because I feel like I do.  I sound like I'm using petty excuses for being lazy, because I feel like I am.  I've had major compounded injuries that prevented me from training to the best of my ability.  I've been in eating disorder inpatient treatment where I was allowed only 1-2 hours /day to workout, and I didn't have any of my usual gyms, coaches, or equipment.  Even when I returned home, over each workout hung the threat of relapse into self harm and reinjury.  I've had to learn a whole different way of looking at the world and motivating myself.  These are life lessons that may have slowed my physical progress temporarily, but in the long run does nothing but improve it.  in every way.  But still a part of me says "there was nothing wrong with the top half of your body!  You could have been doing all kinds of crazy upper body workouts- bars, rings, weapons, acrobatics, aerial stuff...just because one entire leg has been incapacitated doesn't mean the rest of your body is off the hook.  you were just looking for an excuse!"  but that's not my voice.  I thought I had squeezed that voice out of my head in most things, but there he is again.  it's ED.

Fighter

Today, someone told me "you never really know a person until you've seen them fight".  I think the basic idea was that people behave civilly and act a certain way so that they appear to be nice good people, but you don't really really know them until you've seen how they react when they've been backed into a corner, and the pressure's on.  It made me wonder...what does my fighting style say about me?  Not that I really fight, but I do spar on occasion, and don't I argue in a similar way?  To be completely honest, I feel inadequate at both.  I feel like my growth has been stunted, and although I have all the tools I need to be exquisite, I'm behind all of my peers.

     When I was a little kid, I had a crazy temper.  I would get sooo mad, like my chest was going to explode, and then I would unleash whatever chaos I was capable of, inflicting pain and punishment on anyone within my reach.  I would be nice as long as i knew I was winning - in control, but if that was threatened, I would be blinded by my fury, and I'd lose all control, just like many people do when they get hit in a fight.  By the time I was 10, I learned how detrimental this was to me and my cause.  Once I lost control, I never got what I wanted, so I began trying different tactics.  

     Arguments with my brother usually took a similar course.  We argued, he refused to understand that I had clearly won; I lost my temper, and attacked him; I got in trouble, and he got the last laugh.  Even after I learned to control my temper, and defeat him with my superior logic and 12 year old comebacks, I got in trouble.  I insulted him too cruely, and he was younger, so it wasn't fair.  He would start an argument, I would respond cooly, and I would get in trouble.  My only defense was to completely ignore him.  There was no acceptable response.  Even clever sarcastic retorts were punished.  Thus, I was conditioned out of my natural defensive instincts.  I now find myself incapable of participating in friendly teasing or trash talk, and when someone throws a kick or punch at me, my instinct is to demonstrate instantly that I have no capacity to attack, am incapable of and unwilling to defend myself, and they are hurting me, thus putting myself in the position of my little brother from younger years, who always got the last laugh.  Wow.  I didn't realize that was why I was doing that.  When I feel like I stand a chance, I stay present, but when the odds seem insurmountable, I stop fighting.  I shut down, and give up.  I don't like that.  I like to think of myself as someone who overcomes everything and works harder than anyone, but it's true.  I will work my butt off to achieve the impossible if I Know I can do it, but once I accept that I can't, I drop everything.  I'm so focused on the destination, that I lose sight of the value of the journey.  I think I give up too easily.  I fight with everything I have as long as i know i stand a chance, but how many times have I cut my losses, and thrown in the towel?  I think there's something so admirable about fighting til the end even when you know you've already lost...like in "300"  but that's not very balanced, is it?  I don't know what's right or wrong, but when i give up and refuse to attack in sparring, that doesn't feel right.  it just feels hopeless.  it further stunts my growth, and when a friend jokingly trash talks, and I ignore them, I'm isolating myself, further ingraining that conditioning.  I have to risk falling on my butt to learn how to attack, and risk looking like a fool so that I can hang with my friends' playful trash talk.  It'll take a long time.  and that's ok.

    

now i got it.  i know what i'm really upset about.  I love hearing how much i've changed since program.  in a way, it's good that i'm learning new ways to love and validate myself besides quantifiable success, but it's not good that so much of my self worth is tied into other people's perception of my progress in recovery.  yes- focusing on recovery is great.  but my attitude right now shows lack of acceptance of myself as who I am.  It say "i'm only ok if i'm better than I used to be, and if that difference is significant enough for you to see it and be impressed."  I asked my brother this afternoon if he could see the difference.  "from what?" he asked.  he had no idea what i was talking about.  it hadn't occurred to him that my whole way of life has been transforming drastically for the past year - that i've uprooted the core of my beliefs about how the world works and how i fit into it.  I swear i'd talked to him about this.  Now, granted, there's no reason that he should be able to see a difference.  I've probably seen him 4 times since i left for college 6 1/2 years ago.  I began my eating disorder about 5 years ago, and right now, he's been here for slightly over 24 hours.  how on earth could i expect him to see a difference?  and then i started behaving ... well ... like a spoiled child, which is probably exactly how he remembers me from when we were really little...before i learned to stuff everything and behave like the perfect child.  So to him, this probably looks like backward progress, or at best, just the same old me.  I hated not having all kinds of enlightened recovery to flaunt, and even though i shouldn't be doing this just for attention and admiration from other people, there's more.  I'm also mad at myself for not being better.  I'm mad at myself for not accepting life on life's terms or for being incapable accepting where I am right now.  I really hated myself a few minutes ago.  I feel a little better now that i've gotten some of this out.  it was really bubbling over.

rage

I am so irrationally angry right now.  I can't stand it.  I was storming around my room screaming silently and trying to clean up because the filth is driving me crazy.  my roommates have piles of crap all over the apartment.  the dogs are everywhere.  my brother reeks of smoke.  my room is a mess.  i can't clean up.  i can't think.  I couldn't cope.  I put on my running shoes.  It's after midnight, and 2 hours ago I was exhausted.  but I had to run.  I HAD TO.   yes this is compulsive.  yes- i'm numbing feelings that are too much to handle.  Yes-it's overtraining because I already worked out for 3 hours this morning and 3 hours this evening, and i don't freakin' care.  I'm so mad i can't stand it.  and i don't know for sure what it's really about.  Here's what happened...

My brother's visiting, and I wanted to do something fun and get out of the apartment, so we got reservations to see a comedy show.  We were running late, and had to get dinner.  I was already an hour late for dinner according to my food plan.  Maybe that's part of why I was craving something kinda iffy.  i kinda wanted chinese food.  we dashed into the grocery store to check out the salad and hot food bar.  We'd grab it to go, shove it in my bag, and sneak it into the club so we could eat during the show.  Is that unusual?  i dunno.  I've never been to a comedy show...or anything really.  but the food there sucked!  it was all crap.  disgusting.  "come on!"  I dragged my brother out, and we ran...yes...ran around the block to panda express.  I used to binge there, and I wouldn't do anything like that now.  we were just getting dinner, but it is kinda ... i dunno... triggering?  a sign that i'm not treating my body with respect and care?  that I'm paying more heed to my cravings than my health and well being?   all of the above, but I was in a bit of a frenzy.  we only had about 8 minutes til the show started.  well we got there with a minute to spare, and they had to check bags at the door.  They wouldn't let us bring the food in.  They require you to order off the menu.  I considered leaving right then - just going straight home, and eating our panda express junk food in front of the tv.  maybe it's because it had been close to 6 hours since my last meal, and I was tired and hungary, but I got into that zone again.  the one where i'm just ... tense, shaky, trembley, nervous, scared, frustrated, confused, trapped... i'm just in a mood where i can't connect with anyone.  i don't want to.  it doesn't matter where i am, who i'm with, or what's going on.  i'm not gonna connect with it or enjoy it.  I HATE when i get like that.  I wanted to punish the guard and the ticket people for doing this to me.  (i know.  it's retarded.)  I wanted to tell them through tear streaked eyes, and sobs that I have an eating disorder, this food is part of my food plan, I NEED to eat it slowly inside during the show, and THEY are responsible for triggering this panic attack, and should feel horrible, and let me do whatever the hell i want...not that that's going to make up for it, because they've already ruined the evening beyond repair.  But I couldn't say, or even believe that, because it's not like I had an organic salad with cage free chicken and no dressing in that bag.  I had freakin' syrup coated, msg ridden fast food that I already felt guilty for buying.  and i didn't want to just leave.  I kinda wish i had, except that then i would have eaten the panda express...now it's sitting in the fridge, and i think it should go to hell for being heinously disgusting, but this is just another frustrating case of " i tried to go out and be fun and social, but i find this shit lame, boring, stupid, and I feel like an outcast because everyone else likes it and gets it, and thinks it's a worthwhile use of time, when i'd rather be at home sleeping."  and my knee hurts!  and i just want to sleep forever, which means i might not even go to a meeting in the morning because i'm sleep deprived because i feel bad taking a nap during the day when my brother's only visiting for a few days, but i'm so tired.  and so angry.  and i had to order this "cali wrap" which sounds healthy, right?  well it wasn't!  it was a freakin burrito with rice and cheese and sour cream and it wasn't even good.  i don't know whether to be mad that it was small, unsatisfying, and as far as a full meal goes, probably counts as restricting, or to be pissed that it was so full of carbs and fat, and disgusting greasiness.  I don't know if i'm hungary or have indigestion from the shit food, or if it's just nerves and pent up emotions churning in my belly.  i just hate things right now.  ugh.  poor brother...confused on the couch in the dark, waiting for me to calm down.