So I was insane, and I had already tried every human power to control it, and was out of ideas. But I always knew there was a way to get back to sanity. I had to try everything in my own power first to understand that I couldn't do it by myself. And no person could be relied upon to always be there to keep me inline. It had to be a power greater than me. I was so down and out that I was willing to accept any solution that would actually work, no matter how far fetched.
I was already pretty open to the idea of a higher power. I just had no idea how to define it or connect with it. I could definitely feel it in nature: swimming in the ocean or sitting on a rock while the waves crashed up around me; sitting in a treetop where I could look over an entire forrest of trees just like the one I was in; riding my motorcycle through the mountains and looking down at a sea of clouds...It's all so beautiful and amazing, it makes me proud to be a tiny part of it: one little piece of a giant puzzle. When I think of the world in terms of people, I get competitive, and want to know that I'm better and I stand out. People can seem so petty and materialistic, but when I am surrounded by nature, and animals who live with no inhibitions or self consciousness- completely in the moment always, it seems like a cool thing to be a part of, and I don't mind being one of many on an equal playing field.
I started learning to keep my eyes and ears open, praying and looking for answers, and I began to see them. I told myself to accept the idea that God would take care of my problems with food and body if I just let go...and I began to accept it. I would do little tests, like going to bed without setting an alarm..."If I'm supposed to go to the 7:30 am OA meeting, then God will make sure it happens, right?" I thought it was a sure-fire way to sleep in and prove that God didn't care if I went to meetings, but somehow, I'd wake up after 4 hrs of sleep, and be unable to drift off again. It seemed as if God would help me with this. (see other examples in comments to this post)
I still forget sometimes, but I'm getting better at it. Hearing stories from other girls at meetings- especially when J shared at my first costa mesa meeting- gave me an insight into what this was really about- learning to live and love. It helped to explain why human connection is a worthwhile thing, and how even if it did nothing for my eating-even if it made me fat, it was something that I needed in my life.
One of my big sticking points was what I wanted in a higher power. The thing I wanted most was to be the favorite-the most important. I wanted a God that loved me more than anyone else, and I wanted to know how to make God love me more. Maybe if everyone has their own personal higher powers, then mine loves me most, but then who's higher power is the best? if mine loves me most, but isn't the best, then who cares? It drove me in circles. Climbing trees and watching squirrels helped with that. But I was also bothered by the idea of unconditional love. If it was unconditional, then where was the incentive to be good? If I'm loved- good or bad, then I do nothing to earn it. It seemed worthless. Love that is thrown around so freely and offered up to any criminal is hardly worth having. I wanted to have to be good...better...exceptional in order to earn God's love. I wanted to be able to control how much he loved me by working hard to be better. It's funny-it made so much sense before, and while I still understand it, it seems a little silly now, and beside the point. God loves me for who I am, not what I do. What I do may be an external representation of who I am, but the core spirit and personality of me is there regardless. And that's what he loves. Nothing I do will change who I am- it only changes the outer appearance of who I am. As I grow in the program, my outer appearance and actions will become more and more consistent with who I really am inside, which never changes how much God loves me, because he could see the real me all along! Wow. this is making more and more sense! By accepting that there is such a power who really loves me for my true honest innermost self, I begin to trust that part of me, and become more willing to share it. By trusting my higher power, I can stop trying to control how God feels about me, and how I appear to everyone else, and start working on how to make my life and actions true to my self. This is so cool!
