Haha.  I got it.  (ps...that was a sarcastic irritated haha.  I am not laughing)  The tension and frustration have been building all week.  I've been watching the clock waiting for meal times, craving more when it's done, and abusing condiments.  I can't look in the mirror without tearing into every little flaw on my body.  I'm judging.  I've even been trying to justify straying from my food plan once or twice, but thank God, I could see even in the moment that those were the moments my food plan was created for.  Those are the times when I'm about to get out of control, and I need those guidelines to protect me from compulsive harmful actions.  So I stuck to it, but it felt white knucklie.  I've been writing a ton, sharing at meetings, and making soooo many phone calls, calling newcomers, and reading, being social...I've even been doing intense step work tracing the origin of my disease, and revisiting past experiences.  It was suggested that perhaps I'm just uncomfortable with those things.  Just because I've identified and analyzed them doesn't mean I'm comfortable with them.  That sorta made sense.  I do have a lot of things going on that I don't really know how to deal with right now.  Talking about it doesn't just magically fix everything (unfortunately).  It helps of course, but I still have so much to sort through.  The weird thing was that most of these issues and explorations felt inspiring...scary?  yes.  uncomfortable?  definitely.  But in a fun, exciting way...well most of it.  I was about to go to sleep, and was doing some hard core praying, because i just know something's going on with me.  I asked God to help me to see what I needed to see, and it all just exploded out of me.  Recovery is starting to make me feel really normal, and I freakin' hate it.  I eat moderately.  I exercise reasonably.  I make time for friends, I read, I write...bla bla bla...I'm so bored out of my mind, I think I'm going to burst.  I liked working out 8 hrs/day, because people can't work out 8 hrs/day.  I like doing what can't be done.  I like pushing myself to the limit, and exceeding all expectations.  I'm so mad at recovery and people for taking away from my training time, and at God for making me wait around for this injury to get better.  I feel like he cut my legs out from under me.  He did!  and I know why.  And it's because I needed the time to build a relationship with a higher power, where I trust and rely on God, and spend time connecting with other humans, which are all things that I don't want to do right now!  I know i'm overreacting and being bitter and black-and-white, but I'm so frustrated!  I want to be good...but not just good.  I want to be exceptional...beyond exceptional.  Super-human.  I feel like ... I have the ability to be world class at several different sports, and I had a real shot at a few of them already, but something was always off in my head that prevented me from working hard enough.  I have so many friends now who have reached that level, and I try to explain to them that I was right there too, but I pushed too hard.  but they disagree.  Because they did it too.  They just didn't have a freakin' eating disorder that caused them to self sabotauge.  They still sacrificed social life.  They lived for their sport.  sleep, nutrition, study, and hours and hours of intense training...it all revolved around their sport.  That's all there was.  That's how they rose to the top.  That's what I want to do.  It's how I've always lived instinctively, and it's so hard to have to give it up for something you don't even know you want.  I just feel so backed into a corner.  At least I know I'm feeling, because I'm crying again.  I was actually a little worried, because I hadn't had a good cry in a while.  I know some of this is me vs. E.D.  ED wants me to think I'm horrible for giving up my dreams (which I haven't done at all.  I'm jsut approaching them in a different way) and being lazy.  ED is making a violent protest of the new ideas and way of life that has been dominant in my head for the past few weeks.  ED is louder than the new ideas now, and it feels like he's right.  He's so loud now, that I'm scared he's going to be overruled soon, and I will forget how important it is to strive ever harder for excellence.  I'm afraid I'm going to fade into mediocrity.  I guess I'm a little hurt to find out that my coach, who "chose me to be his little prodigy student, and rise through the ranks"... well this is actually a line he uses on lots of young women who he thinks he can seduce.  I didn't realize how hurt I was about the idea that I might not have been selected for my skill and determination.  One of the last girls he chose didn't have prior training, or specific aspirations in this field!  It's just...ugh...i have to go.  more on this later

A yucky day in recovery is better than a good day in my disease.  (do those really exist anyway?)  And that's important to remember, because today just feels kinda yucky.  there's no real reason.  or maybe i'm stuck in my head about something.  My next meal is probably the most captivating topic for me at the moment.  Ya know...that's been the case a lot for the past few days, and I have actually been feeling like I have a lot on my mind, but everytime I sit down to write, it all gets jammed.  I think i'm feeling OK about the coach thing.  I received evidence from several sources that in a lot of ways, my current coach that I've been relying on to help moderate my exercise routine is not trustworthy.  It's confusing, because of the way he appeared so suddenly when I had prayed for clear guidance...a mentor...and there he was.  It was like God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself...through him...because God speaks to us through other people sometimes, right?  but I know this disease can't be cured by any "human power", and this man is absolutely human.  This new information about him (well i guess it wasn't new.  i had an instinct about it all along, but now i know to trust that instinct) just reminds me that he is not the ultimate authority.  And that's a little scary, because I still like things to be black and white: do everything he says, or do whatever I want, and i feel like this gives me license to do whatever i want.  But following his program is probably the healthier more self caring thing to do right now.  Actually...this makes a lot of sense.  One of my fears entering into this agreement with this man was that I would blindly obey whatever he said, and stop bothering to listen to my body.  It was a huge struggle before I met him, just trying to learn what I'm capable of and where I can push myself without going to far.  I was floundering and needed guidance, but I have to stay aware, so I can learn to get that from my higher power.  The point here is not to do the perfect amount of workout or eat according to the perfect food plan.  The point is to learn to get that input from a higher power, so I can adapt and adjust in the moment.  It's the difference between having a rigid cookie cutter formula that you stick to to get a perfect product and knowing/trusting the source that made the cookie cutter, so that you can get those great results in a different way every time, no matter the circumstances.  Because sometimes the cookie cutter doesn't fit.  Then what do you do?  If you aren't connected to your higher power, you're lost.  So when last week, he told me I was only giving 80%, and that I needed to give 100%, I began sacrificing my own intuition, and not bothering to check in with my higher power.  I got the kick in the pants I needed.  A clear blunt statement that he is as human as I am, and while he is teaching me valuable lessons, my relationship with my higher power takes precedence.  It's kinda cool.  So I don't get to turn off my brain or check out.  Gotta keep praying.

My recent condiment obsession has been a lovely little reminder that yes-I am still a compulsive overeater.  I'm not in control.  The daily reprieve that I have frequently is still conditional on my spiritual maintenence, and I must pray about the condiments now.  I can't think my way out of it any better than I could plot my own recovery, or strategize weight loss.  It's just another opportunity to connect to my higher power.