I've been talking a lot lately about how I learned to use my intense food cravings as windows of opportunity to discover the underlying feeling at the root of it. Whenever I felt the urge to binge, I would write until I could uncover what I'd burried. Well, I just finished a meal, and I have a million reasons why it's OK for me to eat more, but the other side of the argument is being silenced. That's my compulsive behavior coming up. It's been rearing its head lately, and I've been making allowances for it. Today...right now, I'm writing instead. My actions are not based purely in fear and urgency like they used to be. I don't feel like the world will come crashing down if I have one extra bite outside of my food plan. I'm doing OK...really well, and I'm voluntarily enlarging my spiritual program...actually this is kinda cool. My initial surrender and submission to God's will was painful. It felt fake...like..."I'm not doing this because I like you or trust you, or have come to believe in your cause. I'm surrendering because I've been beaten into submission, and I know that eventually you're going to get your way anyway. If I go along with it now, I may experience slightly less pain and demoralization." But today, it's different. I
do believe in God's cause. I
do want to do it his way. I recognize that what he has planned for me is better than whatever I can plan for myself, and I'm totally willing to surrender my will whenever I recognize that I'm forcing it. It's hard, but different. and much nicer. In fact, this time, it only took me about 10 minutes to get past that craving for more lunch. That's pretty cool. That's really cool.
I worked on my 4th step today, and I've already gone to a meeting and had some good phone conversations with people in program. I even connected with some strangers! and HAPPY 9 MONTHS TO ME!!!
