-deposit checks
-negatives to disk
-hair
-mail mom's present
I feel like I'm missing something, but I don't know what it is. Oh-well...maybe I'll remember later.
I've done a good job of letting my body recover this weekend. I was really tired and sore yesterday and this morning, but I'm feeling a lot better now. I played at the beach today, and had a peaceful lunch by myself in the rafter type things under the boardwalk. I like it up there. it's about 15 feet above the waves, and 8 feet under the fishermen. In the middle of the day, the sun shines on the planks I sit on, and sometimes the waves crash into the huge wooden posts holding me up, and splash me. Then I took a long nap in the sand, and read a chapter of a fantasy type book, and went off to play with the acrobats. It's weird. I love it there, and I always have. It was the first place I visited when I came to california, and all the people there love doing the same things I do, and we all have so much in common...but I always feel like a little bit of an outsider- like I don't really connect or fit in. I'm not sure if I always felt that way there, or if it's more of a recent development, but most conversations I have there feel short and superficial. It frustrates me since I've been working so hard at staying connected and being present, and you'd think those would be the people I'd connect most easily with. I think maybe it has something to do with the fact that activity used to be my primary way of connecting. I didn't know how to open up verbally or identify my feelings, so I felt most connected to other people who expressed themselves through physical activity. Since I've been going through this intense growth period, I've been putting way more emphasis on the emotional stuff, and realizing how empty the physical stuff is. I think that's just another side of my black and white thinking. I don't have to figure it out now. Maybe it's just a phase. I just feel like such a shallow jerk when I'm there. I go there wanting human connection, and fun in the sun, but all I can focus on is "what can I do." Rings, balancing, bars, swimming. Everyone else is friendly and knows my name, and runs up and says hi, and gives me a big hug...but I don't remember half of them. I look through them as they introduce themselves, and end conversations quickly to get another turn on some apparatus that will probably damage my knee. Is it just habit? what a horrible habit. I think it's part of the old mentality that I have to train hard constantly. Get in the zone, and don't let anyone interfere. I used to be so hell-bent on learning more and more new skills, but I was to exhausted to really get anything out of any of it. I'd try, get frustrated, and search desperately for something new that I could handle learning. Something different that could hold my attention long enough to burn a few calories. I was already so ADD, that I couldn't handle people adding to the distractions. "Stop talking, and get away from me, so that I can abuse myself properly! How can I disconnect enough to thoroughly drive myself into the ground if you keep asking me to be present!?" I guess the more tired I am when I go there, and the more I intend to relax, the more likely I am to simply fall into old habitual thought patterns. Being present requires a lot of initiative on my part, and when I'm tired, how can I expect to charge ahead with new emotional challenges? I wasn't thinking, so my tired brain searched for the most instinctive way to fulfill my heart- the old ineffective way: find the most fun interesting activity, and do it. I feel a little better about it now that I put it all in perspective.
Do I have anything else to think about that's keeping me awake?
I ate a protein bar today at the beach. I generally don't think they're good for me. I struggled with those a while ago. I find them really addictive and not very satiating, but I wanted one, I thought I could handle it, and there weren't really any better options at the time. It was actually fine. I didn't enjoy it that much, but it was good. I didn't want another. It had more sugar than I'm really comfortable with, but it didn't seem like a big deal. I got hungary somewhat soon afterwards, but I waited until my foodplan said it was appropriate, and was lucky enough to receive an outreach call during the last 15 minutes before my meal, while I was looking for something to do to keep my mind off of eating. It was cool.
I've been having a lot of interesting dreams lately, but i didn't write them down. Last night, I was in an old deserted jurassic park type of theme park with...someone. I don't remember who, but i think we were younger. and we had to climb down a tree? and I think we were hiding out in the rafters of a gymnasium or something. Then in the second part, there were all of these army guys looking for a bunch of us. I don't know why, but we were all hiding, and they were tracking us down. I started out in this old house that looked like it belonged to a grandmother. They found me, and I took off running, and got just far enough ahead to hide again, but they found me again. I made it to the roof, and was leaping from roof top to roof top, and one of my instructors was there watching me leap onto a wall, shaking his head at me for endangering my injured knee. I felt guilty, but they had machine guns! I was running for my life. Some part of me knew they wouldn't shoot though. I think they were supposed to bring me in alive.
