my food has been feeling really compulsive for a while now, and I still haven't been writing.  I was feeling manic about getting home as fast as i could for my favorite sweet "dinner" of frozen fruit mixed with cottage cheese, vanilla protein powder, nuts, and stevia.  But now i'm home, and I still have 15 minutes before the earliest time i can eat according to my food plan.  that means i can't possibly be hungary, and the craving must be a result of something else.  I have definitely been having that disconnected feeling and discontent today.  I'm not sick anymore, and I'm judging myself again.  Last week, if I couldn't get stuff done, or needed to rest, I'd be like "it's ok.  i'm sick.  I must need the rest."  But now, I just think i'm being lazy.  It feels like if I just had the perfect activity available, I'd work out really hard, and get my energy and endorphines up, and feel really good.  Plus, I'd get my metabolism up, and burn some calories, and that would fix ALL of my problems, right?  lol.  it does feel that way.  And then I get the perfect activity, and it's a total disappointment, and i don't feel like doing it.  It's a huge let down, because it felt like this was going to fix everything, and NOTHING changes.  It's just like that illusion that you're going to find the answer to all your problems in the refrigerator.  The stuff you find in there can numb you out for a while, but as soon as you come back to reality, the problems are all still there.  I knew that would be the case when i went to work out today, but I never got warm enough to even get that temporary that I was seeking.  I was completely disinterested in the activity at hand, and just felt stuck in my head.  been watching a lot of movies too.  that's another way of numbing out for me.  but enough about numbing out.  we know i do that.  I'm a compulsive overeater, and obsessing about the symptoms is just another way of distracting from the real issue.

....so what is the real issue?

Well...I feel alone most of the time...like I don't have friends.  I don't think that's true, but I really don't have people in my life that I relate to AND see frequently or hang out with.  My program friends are great, but they're kinda far away, and our schedules never seem to allow us to hang out...at all.  It makes it easy for me to believe that they don't consider me a real friend.  Of course they'll talk and listen if I call them, but do they really want to talk to me?  I don't know for sure.  If they did, why do I still never every hang out with any of them?  Am I not trying hard enough?  Maybe I do give up too easily.  Maybe I'm putting effort into the wrong things.  

OK.  Here's something i'm really upset about.  One of the first people I really connected with in program-an inspiration to me, and someone I've always loved talking to-a long time ago, she said she really liked talking to me, and felt like we had a lot in common.  I used to call her a lot, and we had good conversations.  Over time, our conversations got shorter, and she called me back less frequently.  I feel like she's trying to phase me out.  Like she doesn't like me anymore.  Maybe I'm imagining things.  Maybe she's just really busy.  But I don't know how to approach this.  If I ask her about it, and it's true, she's probably going to feel bad, and obligated to talk to me more, but get resentful at me for it...I guess that's none of my business.  I guess it's up to her to take care of herself, and it's up to me to stand up for myself and tell my truth.  It's hard.  I don't want to.  I guess i should call one of  my sponsors, and ask her how to approach this.