Step 4 and Relationships

I'd almost forgotten this was here. and i have no idea what to write about, but i can feel my head spinning. I'm tired and just want to go to sleep, but ... i can't. I think i was having feelings earlier today, and i buried them somehow, and I can't sleep until I at least try to look at them. I was working on the relationship portion of my 4th step this morning. It was kinda amazing. I made some incredible connections about my very first "dating" adventures and how my perception of those encounters has molded the way I approach every relationship today. It's funny because I always thought i was so tough, and I learn more and more every day how incredibly sensitive I am. It's hard to believe that one little boy in preschool could have initiated such an intense fear of rejection that I would spend the next 20 years refusing to show any hint of attraction to any guy that I liked until he had made it rediculously clear that he liked me first. I wouldn't even admit to myself that I liked a guy until I knew for sure that he was seriously pursuing an actual relationship with me. Could such fear really have come from such a tiny thing? really? Well I didn't seem to have any fear of rejection before I chased this kid around preschool trying to kiss him, and since I never actively pursued any guy after that, I must assume that this was the cause, but what caused this fear isn't as important as what I do with it now. I don't want to live in fear. damn it! i feel like i've written all of this already. and I did this morning. what's really on my mind right now? i've been grumpy and in my head all afternoon. I think i'm confused. about relationships, and what i want my role to be. I feel like a contradiction. I read a book that talks about how every functional relationship has to have 1 male energy and 1 female energy, and it doesn't matter which you are as long as your partner is the other one. I've been so sure that I want to be the female energy for years, because...I want the guy to pursue me. and that would mean that I would let him take the lead...well...it means a lot of things, but I know I have some serious control issues and I need to work on them. A person who's obsessed with controlling things might not be so good at surrendering the lead to a life partner. I feel like i've been living with the understanding that I'm not going to be able to have a successful or enjoyable relationship until I can learn to compromise and let go. to some extent, this is true of course, but one person in the relationship has to take the lead, and why am i so certain that it's not me? What if everything else about the masculine energy suits me more, and I only chose to be the feminine energy because I was afraid of revealing how i feel about a guy before he chases after me? What if i'm looking for the totally wrong kind of man for myself, and stressing my brains out about how to interact in a certain way when the way I interact might be perfect already!? wouldn't that be silly. Maybe the problem is that i'm such a leader, and i'm looking for someone to "out-lead" me rather than someone who will enjoy following. I'm pretty sure that my mom is the masculine energy while my step dad is the feminine energy. and they have a great relationship. Today, I'm willing to open my mind to a different type of guy and to be honest and express myself freely.