I had a food plan that told me when to eat, and limited me to primarily healthy foods in reasonable quantities, but at the same time, ensured that I could not restrict. It guaranteed that all of my bodily needs were met. Therefore, any time I had an urge to deviate from the plan, I could recognize that it was not because of a deficit of some nutrient. It was not my body telling my I actually needed something, rather it was my own subconscious mind trying to fill some kind of void that could never be filled by food. It was me instinctively trying to distract myself with food-numb myself out or obsess over it-so that I don't have to face whatever it is that I don't want to feel. That was my pattern for so long, that I didn't even recognize the feeling. I would numb myself by immediately preoccupying my mind with thoughts of food: what would be the perfect most delicious thing I could fill myself with? or what can I eat a mass quantity of and satisfy my hunger, but not feel bad about? or how can I maneuver my activities today so that I can avoid eating all together? As long as I was distracted by thoughts of food, I couldn't feel. Mission: accomplished. But then it never got dealt with. It all built up inside. We all know how well that plan goes. So the strategy I adopted was simple. If I had a craving outside of my food plan, I sat down and wrote. How much? How long? It didn't matter. But I had to keep going until I found the answer-the thing I didn't want to find. Sometimes it was hard, because I didn't think anything was wrong, but I just went through a list of random questions. 'Did anyone hurt you today?' ...no...'Are you upset about work? money? a relationship?'...no...'Is it the thing your therapist asked you today about what it's going to take for you to forgive yourself? and the fact that you have this undefined list of impossible tasks which you must complete to repair the horrible damage you've done to yourself-the heinous crimes resulting in unthinkable loss...sob...sniffle...hysterical crying..." It wasn't always that obvious, but it was usually pretty easy to tell when I hit on something. Through this process, I learned to acknowledge what I was feeling. That suddenly became way more interesting that whatever food I had been obsessing over before, and as hard as it was, it felt like a miracle at the time.
But things changed in a way I never would have expected! My subconscious mind-that part of me that didn't want to acknowledge my feelings-figured out pretty quickly that any time I obsessed over food, I would immediately devote all of my attention to examining my feelings. That was the last thing I wanted to do! So now, that same disordered voice that used to drive my every thought to food, now avoids it completely. I sometimes have so much sanity around food, it completely blows my mind. I do things like notice that I'm full and stop eating; saving leftovers; take a few bites of a meal, and forget about it because I'm more intrigued by a conversation/activity, then return to it later; allow someone else to be in control of my food; or take care of it myself...the possibilities are endless, and it just doesn't seem hard most of the time. It's the weirdest thing, and at the same time so normal. It freaks me out that it could get so amazingly good without me making it happen. God just amazes me. I can't even grasp it. I pray before every meal now for the awareness to know when I'm full, and the willingness to stop at that point, and slowly, but surely, it has started to work.
