My roommates are in the market to buy a house, and have offered to let me rent a bedroom when they find one. In the dream, they found a 2 bedroom house that had a garage sort of addition on the first floor, which they kinda wanted to use for an office or gym, but were going to let me use it for a bedroom. I like it though. It had slanted lofty ceilings, and old wooden walls painted light green. it had an old country feel to it. It was long and narrow, and had a wide opening to the living room, with no doors. I think the living room had a fire place, and...there were 2 living rooms. Everything else was upstairs - the other 2 bedrooms and the laundry rooms. I don't remember there being any other rooms. Maybe there were. I just can't picture any of them. There was a nice front step, side walk, and a big tree in the small front yard.
So, I do feel a little left out that they're buying together, and i'm not in on the decision. I mean, it's fitting since they're brother and sister, but I am still odd man out, only loosely included in the extra tack on room. Still it's nice that they want me there, and in the dream, I was really excited to be included. It seems almost too literal to be symbolic! but i have to think outside the box. The location reminded me of a lot of places: my grandparents house, my old wooden garage, a ramshackle club house, Camber's house, and a typical apartment. A house represents home - home base - comfort, safety, foundation, somewhere to keep your stuff, come back to, have friends and family visit...I haven't had a real home for a long time. I've been wanting to buy a house for a while. I think this dream brings to light the desire for a home that I've been feeling for quite some time. In the dream, I was on the verge of getting it, and it was a combination of many past definitions of my home, but it wasn't really mine. I think that's maybe the way I'm feeling about program? Home is where your friends are. I have finally collected a group of people with whom I share a strong common bond "like survivors of a shipwreck", and can talk to. It feels a lot like home sometimes. But sometimes it feels like it's not really mine. Like...We don't really live and do things together. We meet once or twice a week, and pay to be there, and we talk on the phone, and everyone else hangs out together between meetings, but I'm too far away, and don't get to be a part of it in real life. They invite me in on rent, but I don't get to be an owner. And I'm grateful for the time there, but there's still an emptiness where I don't feel really like a part.
We were going to sleep over to try out the house to make sure we liked it. I was in the living room watching a small gray shadow creature scampering on the walls by the ceiling and fireplace chimney. It was some kind of frog-squirrel, shape shifting constantly. It was fascinating. It came closer, and closer, and it was making me nervous. I kinda swatted it away, and it bit me. I swung harder at it, and it became more vicious, biting and scratching, until I killed it. It wasn't messy, but it wasn't really dead. It was only pissed. I realized that there were several of them running around the house, I didn't know how to kill them, and they were all mad. I ran outside to tell my roomies, but I couldn't seem to express it. We couldn't stay over night, because they were probably going to tear us to shreds. We probably couldn't even buy the house, but I couldn't seem to tell them. I was really scared, and wished I hadn't pissed the creatures off, but I didn't know what to do.
What could the creature represent? Eating disorder? Self Doubt? Isolation? Animalistic nature? hmmm maybe the desire for a consistent home - the committment to stay in one place. I've been moving around so much, hardly keeping the same address for even 6 months for the past 7 years! I want a home so badly, but I'm scared to comit to a location. what if it is inconvenient? what if I get a job or gym else where, and have a long commute? what if things change, and I want to live somewhere else? If I lock myself into a home and commit to stay there, I'll be trapped and plagued by my hasty decision...although we weren't making a hasty decision. I wasn't making the decision at all. I was (oh-oh- this could be it) i was stuck with the choice: do I sacrifice control of where we live, in what vacinity, who gets what room, bills, payments, and all housing matters in order to continue living with my friends? This is also a bigger theme that I'm struggling with right now. I've controlled my time and schedule so meticulously for so long, only doing that which is productive. Sacrificing no time for friends. Lately, I've been learning to let go of some of that, but how far do I let that go? If I ignore my own voice and ambition which tells me exactly where I need to live or be, I get to be with my friends, but I get torn to shreds by a frog-squirrell. And I think that just means that my ambition and drive to succeed on my own dies. I have this irrational fear that if I do normal things like have friends and hang out, settle down, and have a home, my ambition to excell will fizzle out. The other option is to leave my friends and be alone, but to continue to pursue what I want, but in the dream that wasn't an option, because I didn't know what I wanted yet. In real life, I feel like I know exactly what I want, but do we ever really know what will make us happiest? I know that having friends and pursuing goals are not mutually exclusive, but they certainly don't always complement each other. My sub-conscious mind is struggling to sort that out. I'm gonna leave it at that for now. there was a second, mostly unrelated part to that dream, that I will try to write about later. Goodnight!
