Since part of my disease was about always prioritizing productivity (nutrition, training, studying, work...) over people, I consider it a big step in my recovery to take time away from my routine to spend time with friends...even if it means getting behind on my writing/recovery work or missing a little sleep.  And I hate to do it...that's how I know it's right.  My instincts tell me that I must eat perfectly, train as much as I can while maintaining health and sanity, and sleep as much as necessary to remain optimally productive.  Whatever miniscule amount of time is left must be devoted to bills, paperwork, and marketing my business stuff.  It's hard for me to understand how it is acceptable to sacrifice any of these things to spend time with people, but I force myself to do it.  Sometimes it's fun, and quite often, I'm just not into it, but I practice being present and authentic.  That is something I'm committed to.  So I actually went out last night with some friends from work, who I haven't seen in months...or since before I went into recovery.  It was fairly successful.  I was present, and found it much easier to talk to people than I used to...business-wise, it was probably pretty productive, and I have no particular desire to do it again.  I still don't get why it's fun to stand around in a sports bar trying to yell over the noise of the crowd.  It was nice to see people and catch up, but honestly, I would have preferred to stay home and get things done.  The entire day today was so stressful, because I didn't accomplish the tasks I needed to do last night in order to prepare for today.  Ugh!  but ya know what?  It was OK.  Actually, a lot of the things I forgot to do ended up not being needed.  My application packet is submitted, and will be voted on next Monday.  One of the requirements is a minimum annual income, which I wasn't sure I met.  I was trying to figure out how to change it or present it in a sneaky way so that it would be what they wanted, but I realized it was a black-and-white thing.  Either I had the numbers or I didn't.  All I could do was be honest, submit my earnings, and LET GO OF THE RESULTS.  That's what I've been practicing, right?  Well, I did the math, told the truth, and found out that I met that requirement in a legitimate way.  I've done all I can do.  The only thing left to do is pray and wait.  As far as my "to do" list, the things that remain undone are not yet due.  I still have time.  So it is all OK.

I do still struggle with accepting my body as it is.  Events come up, and I get excited about dressing up and showing off, because I have been consistent in my healthy eating and training, but then I realize that I'm not good enough, and that I'll have to work really hard to look acceptable by this weekend.  There's a specific person who I may possibly run into this Saturday who I haven't seen since January.  The last time I saw him he said "The next time I see you, you better be f*#@in'  ripped."  It was an order.  I used to judge my every action based on how he would view it, and I've done a lot of work to defy that way of thinking.  It's really hard, because he and I valued (and still value) a lot of the same things, and he has achieved everything in his career that I strive for.  He always said that being in incredible shape was baseline minimum requirement for our career.  minimum!  There are so many skills we have to perfect in order to even qualify to be good, and he demanded (as I demand of myself) that I be beyond good, beyond great...the best.  I know that I have to do recovery before I can achieve anything like that, but I still feel like I've betrayed him, and a big part of myself by taking so much time away from training.  and I know that it's necessary not just for training, but to heal my injuries, but there are other things I could be doing that wouldn't aggrivate those parts of my body!  aren't I bad for not finding a way to keep training?  better. harder. faster.  I do feel like I've abandoned our goal.  It was a project we were working on together, and I feel like I walked out on us.  I know that's not the reality of the situation, but I feel it, so I had to say it.  Cuz feelings aren't good or bad, right or wrong.  They just ARE.  and I can't deny them, so I'm stating that that's how I feel.  When I went out with friends on Sunday, one of them had run into him recently.  He told me a story about something he said to a guy that really annoys me sometimes.  It was hilarious.  I was laughing so hard, my legs almost crumbled out from under me...but it was hard...hearing about him being so characteristically him.  It reminded me of how much I miss him, and what an incredible opportunity I had when I was training with him.  It's so painful to think about how wonderful it would be to still be there, but I don't have that option anymore, and it's really hard to accept that that's OK, and that it happened for a reason.  I want to believe that it'll turn out better in the long run.  I hope so.  I feel like I'll continue having a hard time living with it until I can see concrete evidence that it did turn out for the best, but there's no sense living in misery until that time.  I can live happily and in the moment if I am just willing to believe that it's all for the best, and just accept how things are.  Sometimes I can, and sometimes it's too hard, but that's just part of the journey I guess.

Wow.  I didn't think I had that much to say, but I'm glad I kept writing.  I didn't think I had anything to say.  It's funny how things just come up when I start writing.  Well now, I'll be sleep deprived again tomorrow, but at least I expressed what I needed to.

I'm a little tired.  I'm having writing withdrawls too!  Just so much has been going on that I haven't had time to organize my thoughts.  I was in the mountains all weekend, and have been rushing all over the place today-training, meetings, errands, groceries, and organizing an application packet for a really prestigous group that I'm pretty invested in.  It was stressful, and I feel like I need a few days to get recentered.  I have a bunch of mail to go through, some bills to pay, and some receipts to file...some RSVPs, and a lot of scheduling.  I just feel so off kilter when I don't have it all laid out in front of me in a pretty hour-by-hour schedule.  Some important appointment could pop up right in front of me, and I'd be completely unprepared.  or I'd miss it completely.  I don't have anything planned for this evening, so hopefully, i'll get some of that taken care of.  I also journaled a lot this weekend about relationships.  The one I'm in...well...we haven't discussed it-what it is or how serious-titles...I was going to ask him his philosophy on dating so that I knew where I stood, but our phones weren't working.  then i realized that I couldn't just depend on him to define the relationship.  I had to figure out what I thought of it, what I wanted, how I felt about him and relationships...I didn't want to know any of it, but I made myself think about it.  I searched within, and found answers...and more questions.  I still haven't had a chance to talk to him about it, so I think that's weighing on me a little, and the desire to control the outcome of my business application that I submitted this morning.  My head's aching.  I am tired.  oh well!  off to class!  later!