Caffeine

and now I remember why caffeine was a bad idea.  even before i had any inkling that I had an allergy to caffeine, I knew never to consume any of it after 11 am.  I'm really sensitive to it, and it prevents me from sleeping.  I can't sleep now.  I have to be up at 6, and i thought i was tired til i turned out the light and did my meditation tape.  My mind is racing.  Didn't I talk and write enough?  Apparently not.  I though of other stuff to contemplate.  

My brother.  "I want to hurt my friends.  Did you really move to pursue your career?  or did you just want to get away from people?" he asked me.  Really?  I was always so concerned about my career, that I forgot people really existed.  We've always had very different approaches to life and friends.  I only recently acknowledged how important it is to have friends, but that has always been really important to him.  Therefore, I can see how upsetting it would be to tire of the people you hang out with.  I've never EVER been willing to compromise my goals or ideas to fit in with a group (which...yes...sounds completely contrary to my last post).  When I was little, if my friends wanted to play dolls instead of climb trees, I decided they were dumb and boring, and that I would get different friends.  If that meant being alone until I found better friends, fine.  At least I'd be climbing trees in the mean time.  My brother was more the type to sacrifice what he wanted to do to be with people.  I don't think there's anything wrong with either way.  There's a balance between the 2, and we both have struggled on opposite extremes.  I pretty much do what i want to do, and expect that to attract other people who like doing the same things.  I need to expand that to saying what I think and feel, to attract people with similar ideas and morals.  I could also benefit from being more flexible, and compromising some of my plans to accommodate people I really like spending time with.  My brother on the other hand, I think could benefit from some time away from those people.  I know it's not my job to take his inventory, but he asked me for advice, and i'm muddling through it now, so that i'll be more coherent when i talk to him.  We all want to feel loved and accepted.  My bass-akwards strategy has always to be incredible at whatever i do, and impress everyone into liking me.  To be perfect.  He seems to take a more direct approach to fitting in, and has fallen into common high school and college traps: drugs, smoking, alcohol...I feel like he has no idea what he wants, or what he's passionate about.  I wish i could help him find it.  It just seems like life is so painful for him, and he just wants the time to pass faster.  I don't really know, but between smoking, drinking, and television, I feel like he always has something to numb out with.  You know?  We do different behaviors to address the same kind of spiritual hole.  In a way, a long time ago, he sacrificed a lot of who he was to fit in with these "friends", and now he's finally realizing that maybe they're not really good friends.  Maybe they're not the kind of people who he wants to be around.  But he doesn't know how to be alone.  It's hard to make new friends.  Especially when you've become like them.  Even if you leave them, you attract more people like you, and if you're behaving like them, well you just get more of the same people.  Maybe that's one of the reasons I was always so quick to abandon friends when i learned something about them that i didn't like.  I think I've always been a little scared of people's undesirable qualities rubbing off on me.  That's one of the things that keeps me so isolated.  I'm so quick to pick out whatever I don't like about a person, and run from it.  These days, I practice instead focusing on the positive things I see, and try to connect with that, but that's definitely a work in progress, and still in the beginning phases.  We have so much to learn.

Basically, I think we were both missing the point, which is:

to connect with people, be true to yourself, and have faith in a higher power.

He preoccupied himself with the connecting with people part, and mistook it for being with people and doing what they're doing.  it's not the same as connecting, and it doesn't mean anything if you're not true to yourself.

I locked in on being true to myself, only I got it wrong too.  Instead I "did what I wanted".  I still lost touch with the true inner me, and drove away the people I needed to connect with.

It leaves us both with an empty hole, and neither of us had any faith in a higher power.  I'm so grateful to be on the path to finding my higher power, and to be learning to be true to myself and connect with people.  Sometimes, it really clicks, and I feel so fulfilled and loved and happy.  I hope I can help him to find it too.

Clarity.

ok.  So this afternoon, I had this great idea.  OK.  Actually, I knew there was nothing great about this idea at the time, but I wanted to get a 24 oz cup full of all of the substances I am most allergic to, and consume it.  yes.  brilliant.  Not exactly part of my food plan, but not an abstinence breaker either.  My stomach does not react well to caffeine, coffee, milk, or refined sugar, or sugar alcohol (common artificial sweetener).  All of those things were in the french vanilla coffee I bought.  It wasn't an impulse.  I thought about it for about 2 hours before I made the purchase, and I was calm, aware, and somewhat rational when I bought it.  I rationalized that I was cold and wanted something to warm me up, but I was aware that I really wanted it as a  comfort food/ anaesthetiser.  My feelings had been overflowing all day saturday in anticipation of the potential meeting at breakfast this morning.  I knew there was a chance that I would have to confront the drama of my past.  I did a lot of writing yesterday to get the feelings out so I could be clear and free...know where I stand.  I just wanted to go to breakfast with my friends, and not worry about running into someone who probably hates me.  I couldn't do it.  I froze.  I got caught up in controlling how they felt about me.  I can't have someone hate me.  I CAN'T!  The only way to be OK, was to have him be impressed with how well I'm doing, and to make her like me again, but I can't control that!  none of it is up to me.  I was afraid that ... just everything.  There was no way to behave, and make them feel the way I wanted them to feel.  I just want everyone to be OK.  To be happy.  I forgot that I had to let go of that.  You can't be present when you're caught up in the past.  If I had thrown away the past, and let go of the future, I could have stayed focused on my friends, and ...I don't know.  All I could do was pretend not to see them, and try to constantly be aware of where they were, so that I could hide, but not actually see them or know where they were...it felt terrible.  And of course i was upset that if they saw me behaving this way, they would know how horrible and insecure I felt, and i don't want them to know that!  But I don't want them to think that i'm so selfish and insensitive that I can' possibly be happy in their presence.  I'm so silly.  But it's a lot to deal with.  I did the best I could, and it's been really amazing seeing how the universe gives me exactly what I can handle: always enough to challenge me when I'm ready for it, but never more than I can actually manage.  Sometimes it seems impossible, like I'll never get through it.  It's scary, but those are the times of the most accellerated growth.  It's been really cool to see how it all plays out when I trust a higher power.

It was really nice to get back to my talking and writing yesterday and today.  I had been doing moderate amounts consistently for a while, until I got bored, and started reading that novel.  It was nice to take a brake for a while, but I totally felt the effects.  So many thoughts and feelings got bottled up, and I could feel them building, but I couldn't put the book down, and I couldn't miss my activities, so recovery was sacrificed.  Luckily, when it got uncomfortable enough, I reached for my trusty tools, and started writing and talking again.  I just spent about 3 hours on the phone purging all of the feelings and ideas that had gotten stuck inside.

One interesting thing that has recently come to the surface is my detachment from my true feelings, and how I've locked in on this habit of finding out how I should think and feel about certain things, and then brainwashing myself to believe that.  I'm so adept at it that it's really hard to identify my true ideas and emotions, and separate them from the fabricated ones I'm supposed to have.  It's been a barrier for me for a long time.  I've come to understand how crucial it is for me to really feel and express my truth, and it's going to be a long hard process with lots of digging to reacquire the skill.  I've denied it so long out of fear of hurting someone else.  What if my opinion hurts someone?  I can't let them know, but it's wrong to lie.  So before I even know that i have an opinion, I cut myself off, and figure out what is "right" to say or think.  I instantly convince myself that that is my truth, and really believe it, but don't realize that I've betrayed myself.  Sometimes I find I have completely opposing views of the same topic based entirely on who I am in the company of.  And when I'm saying I agree with you, I totally believe it!  I have no idea that I'm letting you choose my opinion for me.  If I can't tell what everyone else wants me to think, I find that I don't know.  That I don't have an opinion.  Somehow I'm blocked.  The truth is that I'm always blocked.  I'm so scared of having my own opinion about anything that anyone else cares about.  I never made this connection before, but the only thing I have really strong opinions about are things that most other people don't care about.  It's ok for me to have my own opinions about things that aren't important to other people.  Then they won't get offended!  Wow.  that's so messed up.  I always say that I'm un-peer-pressureable, when in truth, I let the the outside world determine many of my thoughts.  I do what I'm told, and convince myself that I chose it.  Now, I am exagerating a little, but that's kinda what I do.  I really want to start working more on having my own opinion and expressing it freely.

AND being Judgemental.  I watched this amazing scene from "The Guardian", where the kid in coast guard training gets totally called out on his motive for being there.  He's all about being the best and breaking records.  He doesn't really care about his teammates or saving lives.  He thinks he does, because he's supposed to, but the trainer can see right through it.  He gives him the opportunity to go ahead and break all of the records on the board- prove how much better his is than everyone else...It made me realize how much of a self-centered brat I am.  I write people off all of the time.  "they're so slow, weak, incompetent; they don't care enough; why do they even bother?"  Holy crap!  Who am I to judge?  I say the same thing about myself whenever I have an off day.  Is there seriously something so wrong with simply doing something for the pure enjoyment of it?  Does it really hurt me if they think they're top-notch highly motivated athletes?  Is it really necessary for them to know that they will never be as good as so-and-so?  It's important for people to have self-confidence, and enjoy what they're doing.  Not for them to "know their place"!  Oh my gosh!  Please grant me the willingness to accept myself and others exactly as we are, and to find the good in everyone.  To appreciate each of us for who we are.  I want to be able to enjoy connecting with everyone I come into contact with, and stop trying to find reasons to cut myself off from all of humanity.  That would be better for all of us.  

deep breath.

I accept that this is going to take me a while.  I'll keep praying for it, and staying aware of it.  I'll keep trying, and letting go.  

I'm so glad I did all of this writing and talking today.  I feel so much clearer and coherent and self aware.  Everything had gotten foggy.