wanna know about frustrating? i wrote for an hour after that point, and when i was finally ready to post, the internet stopped working, and deleted the whole thing. yeah. pissed. In fact. i was crying inside, but refusing to show it, because freakin mr. wonderful over here is being all touchy feely, and all I want to do is just run. I want to run til my legs fall off, which is my primary definition of compulsive overexercising. so good for me: I took contrary action, and stayed right here on the couch, cuz i have a stupid knee problem. then I asked for the internet password, and came back to my blog. I think maybe the more recovery thing to do would have been to be a little more open, and talk to this guy about what he was doing that was making me uncomfortable. In fact, I was about to when the internet turned off, and i got really upset, and told him only about the things that didn't involve him, but neglected to mention the more relevant topics. But I really did have a lot to process before I got to that point. This will be the condensed version...
I feel like I'm gonna go on an adventure binge...My life and schedule have been so mundane and boring lately because it's been filled with physical therapy, really really simple boring conditioning and basic techniques, learning to have a social life (which I have always found dull), and of course recovery. I feel like my adventures have been so restricted that just like when you restrict food and binge later, I am dying for a massive adventure- zip line/ exploring a jungle, scaling the face of a huge cliff, commandeering a ship, and taking it to exotic foreign places, and perhaps running from the law...on a high speed motorcycle chase that ends in a makeshift treehouse in a redwood forrest or something. Activity and adventure were basically my sole way of self fulfillment for so long, that I feel empty without them. I know that my injuries came when they did for a reason, and that without them, I could have continued trying to stuff my life with overstimulation, and never would have found this spiritual cure- never would have connected with a higher power. And if I didn't have the remnants of this injury now, and tons of people and coaches around me forcing me to take time off from the activities I love, then I'd never make the time to really learn how to stay connected to my higher power. It's great that I'm so passionate about going out and living life to the fullest, but I can't neglect my higher power. No matter how much you do, it eventually catches up to you. So just like when i was in the recovery house, and it was extra hard because my old tools, defenses, and distractions had been taken away, now is that concentrated recovery when I'm going to be hit with the most challenging triggers. I have to deal with down time. I don't get to define myself by the cool things I'm doing. My life feels pretty normal and regular right now, so i have to look deep within myself if I want to know who I am. I didn't have to look before. I could just rattle off a list of activities, and say "that's who I am, and it's really cool." but if i'm doing normal things that don't make me stand out from the crowd, then I have a choice: I can say, I'm just like everybody else, and there's nothing special about me, or I can fearlessly search within to know me for who I am...not what I do. So the important conclusion I came to before was that even though I have to stick to a sucky boring schedule right now, I really am doing it just for today. this isn't the rest of my life. it's preparation for it. I'm healing my knee so that I can return to real adventures. And if my injury was gone, and I was 100% physically recovered right now, then I would be sooo overexcited about returning to all of my sports and ventures that I would neglect my recovery work. Without this injury and the coaches and support teams i have to remind me of it and keep me from my exercise and adrenaline addiction, I'd never have the time to learn how to stay connected to my friends and higher power. I would forget them, and wonder why my life was crumbling. Right now, I choose to accept that i have a knee injury right now because i need a knee injury right now. I'm training with a power hungary dictator of a coach, because i need to surrender control to someone who knows more than I do. I have a freak-ton of time on my hands, because I have a LOT of info to process, I need to take time for self care, time with friends, and learning to socialize. There is suddenly a guy in my life, because...well apparently, it's the right time, and there's something for me to learn from that too. The computer deleted my post, because even though i was saying the right things, i didn't get it yet. i didn't feel it, or believe it, and I was going to stop writing when I still had this turbulence in my head, but since I had to stick with it, and write more, I found some peace. Life is weird that way...Amazing...surprising...it always blows my mind how there is ALWAYS something valuable to be gained from every situation if you can just keep your mind open. The suckier the event, the harder you have to work to stay open minded and receptive, but it's always there, it's always worth it, and your life will always get better. you just have to trust.
