I'm so tired. But I had a little run-in today that I should touch on really quickly. I ate a salad at 3 pm, and meant to have dinner at 6, but only had time for a few sips of a protein drink. thought I'd have something on the way to this formal event, but was running late. Figured i'd eat when i got there, but there was no food. On my way home at 11pm (yes that's 8 hrs without eating) I realized that now would be the perfect time to weigh myself. I never go this long without eating! i probably weigh way less than usual now! I haven't weighed myself since July, and that's a good thing, but on that ride home, I went through all the possible reasons that I needed to weigh myself. I have lots of good reasons, but I considered the possibilities.
a. I weigh less than I expected, and use that to validate myself
b. I weigh what I expect, which makes me average to OK
c. I weigh more than I would have guessed, and wonder how I can work so hard and still fail at life
In all three cases, I gain a reference point for judging myself, and become more inclined to measure and attempt to control my body. In all three cases, I have shifted the focus where it shouldn't be, and have surrendered to ED rather than God.
I didn't weigh myself. I don't know how much I weigh. I feel really thick and a little pudgy right now, but I don't know how much of that is just the distorted filter that sometimes falls over my eyes.
