evaluating consequences

My roommate just asked "you're parents didn't discipline you much as a kid, did they..."  actually it was more of a statement.  I hadn't put much thought into it before, but he was right.  He made the observation several hours after watching my absurd reaction to a conversation we had this afternoon.  He said I can't handle it when anyone makes any comment that even resembles disciplinary criticism or anything like that.  It was kinda a weird way of saying it, but he's totally right.  When anyone points out something I've done wrong or not well or failed to do... I take it as a personal attack, and just don't know what to do.  I feel like a horrible person.  I cry.  It's absurd.  "How do you handle it?" I asked him.  I guess I just think about it before I do it, and once I make a decision, I let it go.  If I'm breaking a rule, I know the consequences, and account for that risk in my decision to do it.  If I cry when I get caught, it's kinda childish, because I knew going into it that it was a possibility.

That makes perfect sense, I thought.  Don't I do that?  In a lot of things, I do.  I recognize the risk, and accept the possibility of the consequences.  But there are a lot of things I do that don't necessarily correspond with my moral code.  Most of them are little things, like procrastinating or not cleaning up after myself, but I get away with them so much that I gradually disconnect from the idea that I'm doing anything wrong or potentially hurtful to anyone else.  Then if anyone else calls me out on it, it's more of a sudden blow.  There was no prior consideration of the consequences- just action (or inaction).  The reminder or reprimand not only tells me that I am doing something bad and unacceptable.  It also reminds me that I have broken my own moral code, and that I know better, so I feel bad about my integrity.  Of course this is deeply hurtful.  Of course I cry.  So the answer (like always) is awareness.  

gotta be honest

Today is kinda a hard day.  I just had a scary borderline meal.  It's amazing how similar it was to a binge, and yet how different at the same time.  It's a good measure of how far I've come in recovery, but also a clear reminder that I am by nature a compulsive overeater, and that my daily reprieve is based on the daily maintenance of my spiritual program.

This morning I decided not to go to my usual workout.  Last night, I considered going to the hospital instead, because my leg hurts...it's weird...i don't know why.  But today it was feeling a little better.  Still, i've been feeling sick and really bogged down lately, and thought I could use a day off.  This is not a normal thing for me.  I'm really not comfortable with making that sort of decision for myself.  There are a lot of things I really wanted to do today that are really important, and I feel guilty about missing every one of them, and i don't know what to do with myself when i stay home anyway.  i have all this stuff that I need to do here, but I keep getting stuck infront of a movie, and doing nothing.  Am i that tired?  do i need that much rest? or is it something else.  I think I've gotten behind on my writing and spiritual maintenance.  I had begun to develop this amazing clarity, but it all got foggy recently.  It's like a couple of big things were revealed, and I latched onto them with my typical tunnel vision, which caused me to somehow lose contact with the source, and every thing got all bogged up.  So I've been feeling blind and alone for about a week.  I haven't really been looking at my schedule either, so I feel lost.  Like the world is going on and I'm not there.  I'm off on my own trying to catch up, but the more I try to compensate in isolation, the farther behind I fall.  I hate it.  And I feel like I don't know what to do to get back into the world.  The things that tend to ground me are writing, making a to-do list, making and returning phone calls, going to my favorite meetings, making plans and putting them on my schedule, and sticking to my food plan.  I want to turn this day around now.  But first i have to be honest about the meal I just had.  The things I did well which have changed based on things I learned in program are highlighted throughout this summary.  I was feeling guilty about not going places, and obligated to take action on mundane tasks, but couldn't bring myself to deal with these things.  I couldn't stop thinking about muffins.  I took a few minutes to acknowledge what could be going on in my head that was making me uncomfortable, and then made a phone call to talk about it.  I got some good advice.  I read in the big book until a very reasonable amount of time had passed since breakfast.  It was time for a meal anyway.  I rode my bicycle to the store, and considered buying a lot of foods that would not be in my best interest.  large bags of dried fruit, french vanilla creamer, chips, cookies, cakes...even ice cream.  instead, I bought a few groceries to put in the freezer, and for my meal, I bought a blueberry muffin, a piece of carrot bread, and a protein bar.  Granted- this is not a balanced meal (although you could try calling it one if you really want to stretch the imagination...fruit: blueberry, vegetable: carrot, protein, dairy, grain...it's all there...kinda)  but the compulsive desire was so familiar and scary, and the way I drove myself to find those foods to fulfill the craving was ...ugh.  I knew it wouldn't help!  I knew it wouldn't nurture...but I was compelled.  I prayed.  "please help me to be reasonable during this meal.  Please help me to stay conscious and aware and not hurt myself."  I don't know exactly what I said, but I asked God to be with me during my meal.  That's different.  And I bought a relatively small quantity.  I used to buy seemingly endless quantities, because...what if I ran out!?  This time I knew that I would come to an end, and probably want more, and that would be OK.  This wasn't going to be the last time I could have these things, so I didnt' have to stuff it all in now.  My choices for a meal, and the mindset when I selected them was scary, but when I finished eating them at home, it was worse.  I wasn't willing to be done.  I got 2 slices of flaxseed bread from the fridge, toasted them, and ate them.  I still couldn't stop, but i was also just barely aware that I wasn't full.  I took out leftovers from sunday night's dinner, and some sliced roast beef.  this was at least balanced compared to all of the carbohydrates I'd just eaten.  after a few bites of roast beef, I felt somewhat satisfied.  I was still compelled to eat more, but I knew it was time to stop, and I felt full.  not uncomfortably full, but full.  So that's cool.  I'm still emotionally uncomfortable, but I'm writing about it.  hopefully I'll write more today.  I think I've got a lot on my mind.