Friends

Writing before bed feels good.  I'm really excited about my new friend at the gym.  We clicked instantly, and even though we've only know each other for about 3 weeks, we talk with the honesty of ...i dunno.  like we've known each other forever.  We share a lot of moral and philosophical ideas, and are actively working towards the same primary goal of constant presence and living life to the fullest in the moment.  It's so cool talking with him and watching him interact with other people.  We both have naturally picked up on different aspects of this common goal, and we discuss, and learn from each other's example.  He has an amazing ability to find something interesting and meaningful to talk about with every flippin' person who crosses his path.  It amazes me.  Spending time with him is just so fulfilling, and I'm so grateful to have him as a friend.  We have a connection I've shared with only a few close friends and people I've met in program.  Having a few close friends like that in my life who I see and talk to on a regular basis...who know and care what's going on in my life and how I'm dealing with it...who I find interesting and want to know more about, and who I can share fun experiences with...having that gives me such a sense of comfort and security.  It's the feeling that was missing whenever I felt compelled to binge.  Compulsive overeating is like an emptiness that can only be filled with love, but we keep trying to stuff it with food.  Being able to recognize that, and then feel that void being filled with what it was meant to be filled with is the most amazing feeling.  It's times like this that I have to take special note of what it means to me to have friends and a social life of sorts.  Because I've written before on how much I resent the very idea of a social life.  But in reality, it's different for me.  It means having friends who are there for me, and who I'm willing to be there and sacrifice for.  It means having people to talk to, listen to, learn from, share experiences and adventures with.  People who lift you up when you're down, tell you jokes, inspire you, explore, create, play games, share dreams and goals...

whenever I get close to a new friend and have that feeling of fulfillment, I realize how wonderful and worthwhile it is.  whenever i have and excess of down time, and no one to spend it with...no one to talk to... when I realize that i've gotten so busy, and neglected my friendships, and that I have no one really in my life, I'm suddenly struck by a horrible emptiness, and no concept of how to seek out what I need.  It's really hard for me to make such a constant effort to make and keep friends in my life.  I've spent so long prioritizing achievement and activities over people, that it's hard to make that change, but it's so important.  It's especially hard right now since I've got the nazi instructor validating all (or many) of my old ideals, and scolding me for being slow, weak, lazy, not working hard enough, not caring enough, for not dedicating my life to my training... in a way, it's good to see such a dramatic example of where I could have ended up at age 74 if I kept on the road I was on before recovery...actually he's probably a lot better off than I would have been, but it shows me how even if I could have found ultimate success in athletics and career through using my eating disorder, I would have still wound up a miserable lonely human being driven by compulsions for the the rest of my life.  He's a constant reminder of why I must keep working the program, and not just go back to constant over training.  Although that means I constantly get yelled at, and yes ... he yells visciously ... that just means I get to practice filtering the positive and useful statements out of his unhelpful tone.  It's a major growth opportunity for me.  It amazes me too, how he can have so much wisdom (as demonstrated by the ideas in his book), and yet be so incredibly rigid, closed minded, unyielding, uncompromising... it's his way or the highway.  i guess i need to talk more about that later, but i need to get to sleep.  gotta train with him in 8 hours, and i'd prefer not to be sleepy ; )  good night!