Love Letter to Me

i was right.  I'm really really tired.  I can tell by how quickly my mood swings.  I was totally out of it until the brake in our meeting tonight when I got to connect with some people, and immediately everything was wonderful.  Little things were hilarious, and I was on a pink cloud for like 3 minutes before I felt weepy, and by the time I walked out I was about to cry again.  I thought I had a lot to share about, but thinking is so hard right now.  my head aches.  I delayed my 2nd meal today until the latest end of the acceptable time range according to my food plan.  It was an akward morning, and I had to stop in the middle of my workout to eat.  I was craving it, and it was time.  I went back to finish my workout, and just didn't want to.  I had other things to get done, and I knew i was tired anyway.  I felt pretty guilty about it, and was further aggrivated when my instructor made a snyde remark about how he does his workout all the way through.  He can't just stop to eat in the middle.  I told him I didn't like doing it that way either, but today i had to.  I'd been really wanting to do a hard ab workout, but couldn't do it then.  I'd have to save it for later.  I was going back to the gym in the evening anyway.  That's when I found the flat tire, and had my little temper tantrum again.

I'm struggling with my knee.  I think it's swollen again.  One doctor says don't bend it past 90 degrees or do any impact whatsoever.  The other says to stretch (bend as far as possible) for an hour every day.  It hurts to ride my bike and motorcycle right now cuz it's really stiff, and I'm afraid of tearing it again, but I don't know how else to get to meetings.  I hate asking for rides.  I hate being a burden.  I need to go to sleep.  But I promised Karen I'd write myself a love letter tonight, and since I totally don't want to, I know it'll be good for me.  Ugh.

Love Letter to Me:

Dear Me,

You are so freakishly awesome, it's not even funny.  Your incredible abilities, intelligence, determination, and adorable personality shine with a light so warm and bright, no person, circumstance, or eating disorder can hide it.  You overcome incredible adversity with grace and dignity.  You dance to the beat of your own drum, never compromising what you believe to fit in with the crowd.  You are driven to excellence at whatever you choose to do, and always choose what you love.  You fearlessly follow your passion, and courageously search your soul to truly know yourself.  You maintain the highest integrity you are capable of, and work constantly to bring it to an even higher level.  You reach out to others, listening, teaching, sharing, loving, and caring.  You love.  You are loved.  You are an inspiration to many people, and leave a mark on everyone who gets even a glimmer of the real you.  You are so honest, and self aware, so willing to learn and improve.  Your list of accomplishments is breath-taking.  You're beautiful and talented, and that's just the beginning.  You're humble enough to admit powerlessness, and practice acceptance of Life on Life's terms.  You maintain a positive hopeful attitude that is remarkably refreshing in a jaded world.  You have faith in life, people, and a higher power, and are brave enough to turn your will and life over to that power...or at least begin to practice doing so.  You are so fun, so adventurous, so creative, daring, eccentric, lovable, sweet, cute, tough, strong, amazing!, flexible, energetic, honest, moral, generous, kind, silly, focused, powerful, intense, passionate, and and....YOU.  you are so YOU.  and that's why you're loved.  That's why you're great.  And even though forget it frequently, it's always true.  The more you remember that, the more brightly your light will shine through.  As you continuously grow into a more fully actualized person-100% authenticly you, that light will be nearly blinding- undeniable and irresistable.  Trust in yourself.  Believe in you.  You can do ANYTHING.  You've got everything it takes.  All you have to do is let go.  I love you.

Tired

Life's been hard lately.  No.  My attitude has made it hard to cope with life.  Life hasn't changed.  I've just been reacting unproportionally to little things- like Ky says "the situation was a 2, and my reaction was a 10".  She was talking about when she's in her disease, and in the beginning phases of recovery when our coping mechanism is taken away, and we have not yet established new healthy ways of dealing.  I like to think I've moved past that, but I can't expect it to be a perfectly constant straight shot upward.  Even a steady climb is full of bumps and dips.  My acupuncturist explained his treatment to me today.  "We start light, increase intensity, and then pull it back.  Next time increase, next time pull it back.  If you go hard all of the time, the body builds up defense mechanisms, and the treatment becomes ineffective."  I had asked him to just give me the max intensity all of the time.  I could take it!  lol.  I didn't understand that the most efficient way is to go in cycles, choosing when to increase intensity.  "Just like physical training?" I asked him.  "Yes.  If you work out all of the time, and never give time to rest and recover, you break down the muscle, but never build it back up.  You end up losing muscle."  This same concept of moderation that I've been trying to learn about food seems to apply to everything.  If I starve, my body learns to defend against starvation by slowing down and burning fewer calories.  If I run constantly, my body needs a way to rest, and will force me to take that time whether I like it or not.  If I listen to those signals early, and train in cycles, then I can avoid injuries.  It was cool seeing the example in another arena.

But back to today's topic: What am I upset about?  I've  been really sad.  I threw a fit yesterday about groceries, and today when my bicycle got a flat tire.  Granted, they were seriously frustrating, but I could have found a solution quicker if I hadn't been crying hysterically.  And last night, I cried because no one could come out to dinner with me after the meeting.  I felt really lonely.  I didn't know how much I was craving quality time with friends until I couldn't have it.  I can always get someone to come out to dinner with me after the meeting, but not this week.  I've been getting upset about little things today, and big things from the past that I thought I was over.  I've been feeling really guilty about causing the drama that happened in February.  The group I applied for (waiting to hear back on Monday) is having me help with a fundraiser this saturday, and they're putting me at one of the front tables.  "some of the other girls who are signed up to help have drama attached, and we just can't have them in the middle of things.  We know you don't have anything like that."  It's mostly true.  I'm almost never involved in drama.  I hate it, and yet I let it happen in the worst possible place with the people I admire most.  And I have to keep it secret from everyone who could understand it.  I have such fear that the group will find out and lose respect for me, and think that I am the kind of person who sneaks around and stabs people in the back.  If they got any wind of what happened, I don't think they could understand how hard I fought to prevent it, and how largely successful I was in that effort, but the moments and ways in which I failed to fight off certain advances...well they never went very far!  but they were still hurtful, and I can't bear hurting someone else.  It took me almost 2 months to even acknowledge that I too had been hurt by the situation-deeply.  I lost everything I cared about most, but didn't even notice, because I was so crushed by the pain I had inflicted on someone else.  I know it wasn't ALL my fault, but I certainly played a part.  So I've been trying not to use that as amunition to harass myself with, but it's been persistently beating me down, along with the usual feeling of fatness and laziness.  cravings and desire to skip meals are more prevalent this week.  Why?  Honestly, I think it's just because I'm tired.  I feel really sleepy, and I know that ED takes advantage of those weak impressionable times.  I'm still really tired.  but i have to go to class.  I'm thinking about skipping my meeting tonight to get some rest and writing done, but I don't think that's a good idea either.