I didn't know how hard it was to be present until I started really trying to live 100% committed to the moment I'm in. I catch myself drifting off into my own little fantasy world every 30 seconds. It takes so much focus for me to simply pay attention to what's going on around me, especially when I'm doing a simple repetative action like driving. As unsafe as it sounds, I probably drive for more than 10 minutes at times on autopilot with absolutely no awareness of where I am or what i'm doing, because i find it more interesting to contemplate my recovery or schedule my week or rewrite lyrics to a song. The moments on the trip tonight in which I WAS present made me realize how vital it is to stay that way as much as possible, and how much better it will make me at EVERYTHING! Being present and aware of your surroundings makes you able to adapt to whatever is going on. This will make me better at every physical skill I do in my job, and even at conversation. The brain is a muscle like any other in the body. Right now, it's weak. I can barely flex it long enough to hold my attention on even things I generally find fascinating, but giving up and getting frustrated won't help that. By continuing to challenge myself, and repeatedly do what I can't do- focus on the present longer than I can - I will get better at it. I will learn to read the environment and the people in it. Soon I will be able to respond to it, and someday, I'll be able to see things coming before they happen. That's what happens when you pay enough attention. You learn how certain movements have characteristic telegraphs, and you learn to see them coming, so before they become a threat, you know multiple escape plans, and can evaluate the best one. Prevent accidents and disasters...achieve the best case scenario in any given circumstances. how cool!? But part of that process is NOT dwelling on how good i WILL be at it. I just have to focus on now - flexing that weak muscle.
and asking questions. I've uncovered this fear of asking questions. my goal for the week is to ask as many dumb questions as possible to get comfortable. put myself out there.
I've begun to develop a sense of how to push myself without causing self harm. the whole self-care thing used to scare me because i didn't know if i'd ever learn how to get better and excel at things if I couldn't push myself beyond my limits for fear of hurting myself, but that is now becoming clear...gradually.
I've become adept at "screen door theory", which means when someone yells at me, I can filter out the useful information and apply it without paying attention to their tone or any hurtful words. this is so useful and self loving!
My eating is cleaner
I'm feeling more rested, and my days seem fuller.
this is cool.
