I haven't been writing. I've gotten a lot better at talking, feeling, processing, and dealing with things in the moment as they come up. I'm feeling more secure and serene most of the time. But I'm missing out on a lot of recovery by not writing on a regular basis. I think my eating would have been cleaner yesterday if I'd started writing right when i got home. I'm really tired right now. crap. I just got a new sponsee. I'm glad. I'm excited for the opportunity to help someone, and I know that this will inspire me to be more diligent with my own program. I've been getting out of my structured routine that i've had for a while. That's good and bad. It's really cool that i have so many opportunities opening up to me, and that I'm ready and able to take them. I'm staying sane and abstinent, but i'm devoting a lot less time to my program as a result. And because i'm using the tools only "as needed" instead of on a regular daily schedule, the reflex to use them is weakening. Almost every day this week, I've practiced living in the world or working out in more fun exciting places, which has brought me home a little later. As a result, I've altered my morning routine, sleeping in and grabbing breakfast on the go. It makes perfect sense in my head, because i save time by getting ready and eating at the same time, but my morning prayer is rushed and less thoughtful, and my meditation is nonexistant. For one day, that's not the end of the world, but when that becomes the norm, which it seems to be, we're heading for trouble. It's hard, because I want to be able to go with the flow and try new things. Most of my favorite workouts and activities, including meetings keep me out til 10 or 10:30 pm, which makes it difficult to get up at 6 am for training. OK. for this week, I'm going to commit to setting my alarm with enough time to do all of my morning meditation, and if I need more sleep, then I can miss my first class. I'll try that for a week. I've also been a little lax on my rule about snacking while preparing food or adding extras. This week, I'm also going to be more diligent with my foodplan. it's simple and clear cut. It meets my needs, and I don't need to pad it. This week, I will abide by it. I can make more phone calls, and more outreach. I've been doing well sharing more, oh! but I can remember to congratulate chip-takers and thank the leader. I can update my to-do list. oh! 4th step. i need to work on that, and maybe i can set a time to work on it with my sponsor. And the main #1 project for me to work on this week...those are all simple concrete actions, but this is the fuzzier internal thing: listen to my heart-my intuition- my higher power. I've been talking a lot about my new understanding that I really can have, do, or be anything I want as long as I am willing to connect with what it is that I really really want. I have been willing to question my desires, to compare compulsion with my higher power's will. I've been able to see the difference, but I haven't been very willing to listen. strange. I know it's a muscle, though, and just seeing it is a big step. At first it may be hard, but the more effort I put into listening now, the sooner it will get easy. I want to commit to really listening, and acting accordingly...i keep wanting to say "as much as I can", and leave room for error, but I truly believe that you can do anything you set your mind to. Part of me just doesn't want to do it. If I commit fully, my life will get better faster. I want to push myself. challenge myself. I want to do this. I can feel the resistance. It's just like the trick I tried in the gym on thursday. I knew i wanted it, and that i would feel better as soon as I did it, but I didn't want to. I kept doing drills to perfect the mechanics before I tried anything. Preparation is good, but I was limiting myself. When i became aware that the primary reason I hadn't tried it yet was because I was scared, I took a deep breath and chucked it. it wasn't pretty, but it released so much tension. It felt way better. The only way to grow or get better is to DO what you can't do. Commit to DOING it. not trying to do it to the best of your ablility, but really doing it. Very well. this is uncomfortable, but I've fought for the right to be uncomfortable, and I'm going to exercise that right. I want to get better, so this week, I'm going to eat intuitively within the confines of my food plan. I don't care if there's one bite or 50 left on my plate. If I'm full or satisfied, I'm done. I can do this. and i'm going to.
