Oops! wow. I'm an addict.

First of all, I have to say how incredibly grateful I am that my current addictive behavior is relatively healthy...at least at the moment.  That said, I am so freakin' powerless over my exercise habits!  Last night I really recognized the value of surrendering control-giving up my extra workouts and activities.  I realized that I had to give up control at least for a little while, and I committed to do it today.  I deviated slightly at 9 am, but was honest about it.  At 5pm, I confessed to my sponsor that I had done tripple the assigned time on the treadmill.  I knew that I had strayed.  I knew what I was doing at the time, and I didn't really even try to justify it.  There was no point.  I just shut off my brain, and did what I wanted.  Then my sponsor asked me to make a commitment that I would be done exercising for the night.  "no problem! I'm going to a meeting, then having dinner and a movie with a friend, and then going to bed.  This is going to be easy, and I get to be the good kid for sticking to a commitment."  haha!  i--------was wrong.  I initiated a wrestling match in the living room during the movie.  And I'm laughing at it!  It all seems so silly and harmless, but the voice in my head that says it's OK to disregard my commitments, defy my coach, ignore my injuries, and force my will on everything is the same voice that justifies bingeing, purging, starving, and of course overexercising to a dangerous extreme far worse than what I'm doing now.  I've been there many times before, and no matter how many hours I spend training, it always tells me that it's not enough- that I can do more- that living room wrestling matches and walking on the treadmill don't count, so I can do more of something else, and roller blading and bicycling don't count either because they're fun outdoor time, and the other stuff I did wasn't at a high enough intensity, so I should probably do something else.  Just because it may actually be reasonable now doesn't make it OK.  The point is not whether it's reasonable or not.  The point is for me to let go- to stop controlling something that I have manipulated for ...7 years?  This is going to be really hard, and sometimes I don't feel committed, but other times I do.  And that's progress.  

People Pleaser...me?

Haha.  I just accidentally turned my disease against itself again!  I love when that happens.  So one of the things we do is allow our self esteem to be based on outside factors.  We feed off of praise and compliments from others, and drive ourselves mad over achieving just so that we can have some peace of mind.  I love the part of the big book that talks about our character defects and how sometimes they turn out to be really positive character traits when used in a constructive rather than destructive way.  When I am driven to be the best, the strongest, the skinniest, physically perfect, it leads to insanity and self destruction, but when combined with a willingness to work with nature and follow the plan of my higher power, my determination, people pleasing, and even perfectionism (which I have actually abandoned in favor of EXCELLENCE, which is way more interesting and exciting) can be so healthy and amazing.

Today, I was talking to my sponsor, calling myself out on every silly insane thought or rationalization, commenting on how absurd my thoughts were, and clearly stating what it was that I knew I needed to do to stay in line with my higher power and defeat ED.  I love grasping new recovery concepts and telling my friends and role models in program just how inspired and enthusiastic I am about program.  I love appearing present and enlightened, and I loooooove the positive reinforcement I get back.  I love expressing uncomfortable feelings, because "that's really hard, but that's what recovery is."  If I do that, then I'm really good at recovery, and if I ask an old-timer for advice, and then show them how well I listened, then I'm better at recovery than everyone else, and everyone will think I'm really cool, and will want to be my friend.  How funny!?  and how typical?  lol...that's just how we think, right?  The cool thing about it, though, is that when I do that, no one has really told me what to do.  I have chosen it on my own.  Even though part of me was doing it for the outside positive reinforcement, I've found the right course, and committed to it, thinking I actually want it...thinking that that's who I am, and part of how I think.  my new definition of self has recovery, integrity, accepdance, humility, and self care woven into it.  I may realize after saying what I need to do, that I really don't want to do it, but now I've made a commitment to someone who's praise I strongly desire.  Haha!  so then my disease has to choose between perfectionism/outside validation vs. self will.  Throw in the fact that my life and recovery depend on sticking to my commitment, and the scale tips much more easily.  OK...honest moment...I made that sound a lot easier than it is.  My self will is really freakin' strong, and I'm really used to following it.  but we'll see.  I've committed to following my coach's orders for at least today, and I think I can make it through a week.  Feel free to check up on me, and see how I'm doing on that.  I'd also like to try abiding traffic laws for a while...someday.  maybe today...we'll see how much I'm up for.  ; )