And here's the miracle...the bread stopped being exciting. One morning, I forgot to put the slice on my plate, and sat down. Then I remembered it. "I can have bread if I want it!!!" I instinctively lashed out in my head, but then a more calm and rational part of me said "yeah, I can...but I don't really need it right now." I chose not to have bread that morning because I just didn't feel like having it. That was a huge breakthrough. The bread experiment was a total success. I still believe that for me, vegetables and other low glycemic index carbohydrates are better choices most of the time, but sometimes, my body will need a higher concentration of carbs: before a morning workout for example. And my body seems to be telling me when I need them. If I can, I choose vegetable sources. If I can't, well it's usually because my body needs a little more starch.
I still can't believe it worked that well, but here's the theory as to why it did: As long as I'm restricting, I am working hard under constant, almost unbearable pressure to maintain perfect adherance to my food plan. It is absolutely exhausting. With such black-and-white thinking, one step across the line-just one bite of a forbidden food-means ultimate failure-disaster-devastation-demoralization...with that kind of pressure and consequence, why would I ever cross the line? Because of the pressure! Some part of me (as much as I hated to admit it) was dying to relax and release the pressure-to stop fighting-to not care anymore, and I knew that if I put one toe over that line-just made one little mistake, I could do whatever I wanted. I could relax. I wouldn't have to try-to fight. Taking away that clear line has made it more difficult to cross it. It's much harder to define things, and much harder to beat myself up for one little food choice when I don't have a clear rule against it. A lot of people say that no matter how many years of abstinance you have, you're only one bite away from compulsive overeating, but I've revised the phrase. If it only takes one bite to get off track, I only have to make a sudden decision once before I give up and eat whatever I want. It makes bingeing an easy one-step choice. I don't want that to be easy. Instead, I remember that although it may not be wise for me to eat certain foods, it is physically to overeat in one bite. Therefore, I am always at least 20 bites away from compulsive overeating. I can't make the decision to binge, take a bite, and then relax and do whatever I want. If I take that compulsive bite, and know that I haven't broken my abstinance, then the 2nd bite is still up for debate. I have to choose again. I have to think through each bite, and make the choice to be self destructive 20 times before I can relax. Talk about stress and pressure. Who wants to choose to kill themselves 20 times in a matter of minutes? That's painful. So that's worked for me so far.
So what the heck!? No rules? No good foods? No bad foods? How do I keep myself inline, because I'm a freakin' compulsive overeater! I can't just trust that I'll do the right thing! Sure, in theory, if I learn to listen to my body and follow intuitive eating, I'll be great, but if I knew how to intuitively eat, I wouldn't be in this mess! So what do I do?
I'm still not sure. I feel like the best case scenario is that I know which foods my body reacts badly to (these being candy, ice cream...high sugar foods), and I simply choose not to have them. It's really scary not to have a concrete rule against them, but so far I have not chosen to have them. A lot of that may still have to do with my intense fear of what may happen if I do. Will I lose my mind and spiral out of control after one bite? I can't be sure, so I stay away from them. I have a feeling that some would advise me to try to get over that fear, and be able to have a little ice cream. That still freaks me out. I'm ok with saying I can have ice cream, but only as long as I choose not to have it. That's dangerously close to having a rule against ice cream. Either way, I'm pretty sure that I couldn't handle it today, and I'm doing this one day at a time. So today, I'm not having ice cream, or candy, dessert, anything deep fried, greasy, or unbalanced. I mostly stick with foods that make me feel safe, rational, and confident in my food choices.
My first 2 weeks in recovery, I stuck rigidly to my own strict, perfect food plan, but my mentors in program all felt that I was being too restrictive and closed minded. Somewhat reluctantly, I began experimenting with borderline foods. In my head, that sounded sooooo soooooooo counter-intuitive. Isn't that asking for trouble? In a way, yes, but because I was taking direction and talking about it- really processing my thoughts and feelings about it- it was somewhat safe, and a crucial learning experience. One of the next foods I experimented with was protein bars. They have a lot of good nutrients, some of them are really well balanced, and they're sooooo convenient for a snack on the go, plus - they're prepackaged into perfect little serving sizes. Simple: no thought, right? Well, they used to be a binge food for me, and the high concentration of sugar or sugar substitutes concerns me. That makes it pretty borderline, but I felt restrictive not allowing them. So I tried allowing only one per day as a snack. As long as I knew that no matter what, I could only have one, I had a little safety, but I was controlling it. I had to fight. It was hard. I usually wanted more, but I stuck to my rule for 2-3 weeks. Gradually, I came to accept that I was OK with protein bars too. I moved home, and as my schedule got busier, I found more reasons to allow extra protein bars. No time to make something else- have to eat on the way. I moved to 2/day, or 3/day. All of my snacks were protein bars, but I'd only have one at a time. Then I wanted them for breakfast, but one wasn't enough, so I'd have 2 for breakfast, one for my next snack...I was missing out on real meals, because all I ever wanted was protein bars. This was getting worrisome.
Around that time, I realized the need for alternative snacks, and a lot of my friends had been suggesting that I try frozen yogurt. There was A LOT of fear around this since it's soooo similar to ice cream. I was really scared, but when I broke it down nutritionally, if I went with all natural plain frozen yogurt with some nuts on top, it's not a bad alternative to protein bars. So I tried a small cup at a resturaunt with a supportive friend. It went really well...almost too well...could I trust myself. A few days later, I tried again with the same friend. This time the place we went to had self serve with all flavors and toppings. Now that seemed like a disaster waiting to happen, but we were there, and I really wanted it. (does that sound like a warning sign to you too?) Anyway, after sampling a little too compulsively, serving myself a little more than I really needed, and eating all of it, I concluded that although I hadn't eaten anything unhealthy or really excessive, it was probably not a good place for me to get frozen yogurt. I would stick to places that measured for me...but a few days later, I wanted frozen yogurt, and I was pretty sure that no one would know how to prepare it right, and that I had to go back there to do it myself. Besides, I don't want to restrict! I would just have a small, be reasonable, and move on. This time, I went by myself. Again, I had a little too much. No disaster, but worrisome. Again, I made the choice not to eat there anymore. The next day I went back.
Do I need to quit? Am I bingeing or restricting? Do I make a rule? I talked about it a lot, and everyone had an opinion, and I was freaking out debating in my head, until someone asked me if I could hand it over to my higher power. Woah-I hadn't thought about it in that context. I ask God for the awareness to know when I'm full, and the willingness to stop at that point, but it hadn't occurred to me to let God decide whether I should eat frozen yogurt and protein bars. How would I know his will? I started praying for the answer, and willingness to follow it.
That didn't mean I stopped thinking about it. Perhaps 2 times/week wasn't enough? Maybe it would be like the bread. if I allowed one serving every day, maybe the obsession would disappear? I tried it, and found that as soon as I had my one serving, all I could think about was the next time I could have it again. The more I had it, the greater the obsession. All I could think about was protein bars and frozen yogurt. I wasn't bingeing on either, but I sure was obsessing over them. And suddenly, I had my answer. I knew with certainty at that moment that protein bars and frozen yogurt were interfering with my ability to function as a person and connect with ...well...anything. So I chose not to eat them that day. It was hard. I prayed to be able to make the same choice tomorrow, and I did. It got easier, and I stopped thinking about them. I don't really miss them anymore. I feel happier and more connected.
