Venting

i hate holidays.  i'm mad at the clock for moving too fast and at the world for being late...at m. u. for probably wanting me to be at the gym at 7 am, but for not being clear, so i don't know, but I have to be there just in case, and I may get there, and find out that I didn't have to get up at all and I could have been sleeping, and i'm mad at the other people who won't show up which leaves me alone with my weirdo pervert "coach", who will probably decide to have an easy workout day, which makes it seem even more pointless to be there, or he'll make it hard, and I'll be tired so I'll get injured...again!  and I hate stupid parties.  I knew i didn't want to go, but i didn't want to go home or out to dinner, or anything.  I'd gone way too long without a meal, and felt like doing nothing but curling up in a little ball and crying, so I stood alone outside getting colder and colder waiting to have a decision fall in my lap, so I let some stupid arrogant guy convince me to come hang out with his perfectly nice friends, who I refused to connect with, while I ate the low grade, poorly cooked steaks that weren't worth their crummy calories.  I played a retarded game of connect 4, and right after I got cocky and made a huge deal of how he couldn't possibly win, I lost.  Now i'm up too late.  and i have a head ache.  and he kept making stupid comments about how he would lose focus every time I looked at him, because he'd get lost in my eyes or something, and I DON'T WANT HIM TO LIKE ME THAT WAY!!!  I know I obviously have no control over that, but I don't know how to deal with so many awkward compliments, and I HATE dealing with someone else's feelings.  when we have a normal conversation, I feel like he's exactly what i need in my life right now as a friend.  I really need a friend like him, but i don't think he's ever going to be ok with just being a friend, and I'm not ok with that.  his physicality revolts me, and right now, so does his arrogance.  I just want to push him away.  I'll have to process more of this tomorrow, but right now, I'm irrationally mad.  what can you expect when I'm tired and my meal schedule has been so screwey?  oh well.  I'm just praying for God to reveal whatever lessons I was meant to gain from this evening.  ugh.  and I hate that he offers so much help and support that I can't return in the same way, and refuse to return in other ways.  I didn't want to open up to him tonight, because he was offering me more support that I would currently be willing to offer him, and I don't like having a debt that is higher that what I'm willing to pay.  it makes me very uncomfortable.