I don't have much time to write, but i just had a kinda breakthrough thought, which I'll have to process later, but I had to write it down before I forgot about it.  As weird as it sounds, I was just noticing how I seem so dramatically more sensitive since starting "recovery", and how my self esteem and confidence actually feel lower.  Weird, right?  Well I want to learn how to love and accept myself for exactly who and what I am right now.  I never had any real confidence in that.  I had a ton of self confidence in what I had the potential to be in the future, but nothing I did in the moment felt like it was worth anything.  Since I realized that several months ago, I have taken the emphasis off of physical quantifiable achievements and anything in the future, and have been trying to love and accept where i am right now.  It's hard for that to live up to the person I've always demanded I become (a super-human specimen of perfection).  I look at myself in the moment, and can't qualify by saying "well I'm here now, which means if I work my ass off, in 2 years, I'll be here, and that means I'm good."  you know?  I'm getting better at accepting where I am now, but relying on a promising future for self validation was a big crutch for me.  It's hard to feel like I'm enough when I can't lean on that anymore.  I haven't really been feeling like enough lately.  It's not a fun feeling.  I have to work hard to convince myself that I am.  And then I walk right into a situation where others confirm that I'm not enough.  not for them, or the job they need me to do.  it's hard.  It's ok.  and i know i'm where I'm supposed to be, and it's all for the best.  but it is hard.  and I still feel alone.  I am glad I said this out loud today, because I realized how silly i was being.  I said "I feel like everything I've gotten in recovery, I've had to do myself."  I was crying about it, because I wanted to know that people and friends and sponsors were helping and guiding me.  I wanted to surrender and take direction, but I feel like I have to do it myself.  ...  but really ... isn't that probably how it should be?  i'm so silly.  and i'm tired.  good night.