I was leaving the gym on my bicycle, and wanted to go straight home, because i have so many things to get done (I'm including a nap and a lot of writing as high priority, but mail, bills, and some business need to get addressed as well). But-I've been needing to go to trader joe's for a LONG time. It really simplifies my life and food plan if I keep a huge stockpile of trader joe's salads and whole food's prepackaged meals in my fridge. Then I don't have to worry about portion sizes or what to have. It's just grab-n-go. But I've been having to improvise for the past week and a half, because I haven't had time to go to my favorite stores. So today, I decided to make the time investment, and get it done. I set out in the opposite direction of my house to get the necessary supplies, filled my cart with everything I needed, and felt a huge relief. My food would be taken care of for the rest of the week. I was safe...BUT NOOOOOOOO! I had to go and leave my wallet in my locker at the gym. If I wanted my groceries, which I did! I would have to leave my cart, ride a half hour back to the gym, another half hour back, ...hour and a half wasted!!!! and not just the time...I'm not supposed to be riding my bicycle at all because it's probably tearing my knee, and I ruined it for nothing. Why do I always do things like this? Stupid little mistake that ruins the whole day. I'm exhausted, and need a nap, and now there won't be time. I fail at self care! No wonder my knee can't heal. No wonder I'm throwing a freakin' temper tantrum, and can't breath (way to fail at acceptance too!!!). It's not fair. I can't come back. I CAN'T!!! It takes too much time. I don't want to hurt my knee. I need a ride, but I don't know who to call. Everyone lives too far away. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I want to go home! no I need my wallet either way, so my knee is ruined!
I went on like that for a long time. I was coughing, spluttering, gasping for breath, and just crying hysterically as I rode my bike back to the gym. I knew i was rediculous, but I couldn't help it. I got to the gym, got my wallet, and continued crying. I didn't know what I wanted. I had to get groceries, but I couldn't bear to go back all that way. Could I find someone to drive me? No! I don't want help. I don't want to go. I hate grocery shopping anyway. It's triggering, and I don't want to go. That's actually not true at all. I normally don't mind, and if I accept a ride from the guy who's offering, I will finish my shopping and get home at about the same time as if I start riding straight home now. You just want to sulk. Chill out for a second.
Then I got over it, got a ride with my friend, got my groceries, and went home. It was nice to get a chance to talk to him anyway.
Workout this morning was pretty good. My favorite instructor was in charge instead of the usual nazi, and this one is really good about tailoring the workouts to challenge me without hurting my injury. It was hard for 15-20 minutes of the 2.5 hours I was there, so for the rest of the time, I argued with myself. I was so happy and fulfilled while I was being challenged and getting stronger, but every other minute my head was telling me that I wasn't working hard enough-that there were better things for me to be doing with my time. I should stay longer, do my own exercises, quit being lazy! I barely did 15 minutes, and the rest was like standing around and stretching. Waste of time! Do you know what you could be learning if you weren't so freakin' retarded? What would he think if he saw this "workout"? He'd call u a freakin' bum-which is what you are. Way to do nothing, and pretend you're being active. that's awesome. Then I'd try to remind myself that I'm in a recovery cycle, not a building cycle. It'smore about healing, taking care of myself, and learning to follow directions rather than try to control everything. it's ok! it's ok! that's just an excuse for not wanting to do anything substancial. You just don't want to admit that you're too lazy to think for yourself! Too lazy to work. DAhhhhhhhh! enough! I can train hard later...if I'm careful now. it's only a few more weeks, and I have to stand up to the psychopath in my head. Remember that I used to talk to myself exactly like that when i was training hard 8 hrs per day. it wasn't fun. No matter how much I did, none of it was fun or productive because i couldn't focus on anything except how much I sucked and how lazy I was. No amount of training or skill would have changed that. The only way to fix it is by an investment now. I have to relax, and let myself be lazy, and not yell at myself for it. If I can learn to do that now, when I return to training, all of the energy that went into self destructive thought will be freed up to focus on learning and growing.
I'm OK now. and it's pretty cool that these types of arguments happen as rarely as they do now instead of constantly. It's progress. OK, well it's time for lunch. I'm gonna hop in the pool first, and then go take care of my body!
