That makes perfect sense, I thought. Don't I do that? In a lot of things, I do. I recognize the risk, and accept the possibility of the consequences. But there are a lot of things I do that don't necessarily correspond with my moral code. Most of them are little things, like procrastinating or not cleaning up after myself, but I get away with them so much that I gradually disconnect from the idea that I'm doing anything wrong or potentially hurtful to anyone else. Then if anyone else calls me out on it, it's more of a sudden blow. There was no prior consideration of the consequences- just action (or inaction). The reminder or reprimand not only tells me that I am doing something bad and unacceptable. It also reminds me that I have broken my own moral code, and that I know better, so I feel bad about my integrity. Of course this is deeply hurtful. Of course I cry. So the answer (like always) is awareness.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
evaluating consequences
My roommate just asked "you're parents didn't discipline you much as a kid, did they..." actually it was more of a statement. I hadn't put much thought into it before, but he was right. He made the observation several hours after watching my absurd reaction to a conversation we had this afternoon. He said I can't handle it when anyone makes any comment that even resembles disciplinary criticism or anything like that. It was kinda a weird way of saying it, but he's totally right. When anyone points out something I've done wrong or not well or failed to do... I take it as a personal attack, and just don't know what to do. I feel like a horrible person. I cry. It's absurd. "How do you handle it?" I asked him. I guess I just think about it before I do it, and once I make a decision, I let it go. If I'm breaking a rule, I know the consequences, and account for that risk in my decision to do it. If I cry when I get caught, it's kinda childish, because I knew going into it that it was a possibility.
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