Clarity.

ok.  So this afternoon, I had this great idea.  OK.  Actually, I knew there was nothing great about this idea at the time, but I wanted to get a 24 oz cup full of all of the substances I am most allergic to, and consume it.  yes.  brilliant.  Not exactly part of my food plan, but not an abstinence breaker either.  My stomach does not react well to caffeine, coffee, milk, or refined sugar, or sugar alcohol (common artificial sweetener).  All of those things were in the french vanilla coffee I bought.  It wasn't an impulse.  I thought about it for about 2 hours before I made the purchase, and I was calm, aware, and somewhat rational when I bought it.  I rationalized that I was cold and wanted something to warm me up, but I was aware that I really wanted it as a  comfort food/ anaesthetiser.  My feelings had been overflowing all day saturday in anticipation of the potential meeting at breakfast this morning.  I knew there was a chance that I would have to confront the drama of my past.  I did a lot of writing yesterday to get the feelings out so I could be clear and free...know where I stand.  I just wanted to go to breakfast with my friends, and not worry about running into someone who probably hates me.  I couldn't do it.  I froze.  I got caught up in controlling how they felt about me.  I can't have someone hate me.  I CAN'T!  The only way to be OK, was to have him be impressed with how well I'm doing, and to make her like me again, but I can't control that!  none of it is up to me.  I was afraid that ... just everything.  There was no way to behave, and make them feel the way I wanted them to feel.  I just want everyone to be OK.  To be happy.  I forgot that I had to let go of that.  You can't be present when you're caught up in the past.  If I had thrown away the past, and let go of the future, I could have stayed focused on my friends, and ...I don't know.  All I could do was pretend not to see them, and try to constantly be aware of where they were, so that I could hide, but not actually see them or know where they were...it felt terrible.  And of course i was upset that if they saw me behaving this way, they would know how horrible and insecure I felt, and i don't want them to know that!  But I don't want them to think that i'm so selfish and insensitive that I can' possibly be happy in their presence.  I'm so silly.  But it's a lot to deal with.  I did the best I could, and it's been really amazing seeing how the universe gives me exactly what I can handle: always enough to challenge me when I'm ready for it, but never more than I can actually manage.  Sometimes it seems impossible, like I'll never get through it.  It's scary, but those are the times of the most accellerated growth.  It's been really cool to see how it all plays out when I trust a higher power.

It was really nice to get back to my talking and writing yesterday and today.  I had been doing moderate amounts consistently for a while, until I got bored, and started reading that novel.  It was nice to take a brake for a while, but I totally felt the effects.  So many thoughts and feelings got bottled up, and I could feel them building, but I couldn't put the book down, and I couldn't miss my activities, so recovery was sacrificed.  Luckily, when it got uncomfortable enough, I reached for my trusty tools, and started writing and talking again.  I just spent about 3 hours on the phone purging all of the feelings and ideas that had gotten stuck inside.

One interesting thing that has recently come to the surface is my detachment from my true feelings, and how I've locked in on this habit of finding out how I should think and feel about certain things, and then brainwashing myself to believe that.  I'm so adept at it that it's really hard to identify my true ideas and emotions, and separate them from the fabricated ones I'm supposed to have.  It's been a barrier for me for a long time.  I've come to understand how crucial it is for me to really feel and express my truth, and it's going to be a long hard process with lots of digging to reacquire the skill.  I've denied it so long out of fear of hurting someone else.  What if my opinion hurts someone?  I can't let them know, but it's wrong to lie.  So before I even know that i have an opinion, I cut myself off, and figure out what is "right" to say or think.  I instantly convince myself that that is my truth, and really believe it, but don't realize that I've betrayed myself.  Sometimes I find I have completely opposing views of the same topic based entirely on who I am in the company of.  And when I'm saying I agree with you, I totally believe it!  I have no idea that I'm letting you choose my opinion for me.  If I can't tell what everyone else wants me to think, I find that I don't know.  That I don't have an opinion.  Somehow I'm blocked.  The truth is that I'm always blocked.  I'm so scared of having my own opinion about anything that anyone else cares about.  I never made this connection before, but the only thing I have really strong opinions about are things that most other people don't care about.  It's ok for me to have my own opinions about things that aren't important to other people.  Then they won't get offended!  Wow.  that's so messed up.  I always say that I'm un-peer-pressureable, when in truth, I let the the outside world determine many of my thoughts.  I do what I'm told, and convince myself that I chose it.  Now, I am exagerating a little, but that's kinda what I do.  I really want to start working more on having my own opinion and expressing it freely.

AND being Judgemental.  I watched this amazing scene from "The Guardian", where the kid in coast guard training gets totally called out on his motive for being there.  He's all about being the best and breaking records.  He doesn't really care about his teammates or saving lives.  He thinks he does, because he's supposed to, but the trainer can see right through it.  He gives him the opportunity to go ahead and break all of the records on the board- prove how much better his is than everyone else...It made me realize how much of a self-centered brat I am.  I write people off all of the time.  "they're so slow, weak, incompetent; they don't care enough; why do they even bother?"  Holy crap!  Who am I to judge?  I say the same thing about myself whenever I have an off day.  Is there seriously something so wrong with simply doing something for the pure enjoyment of it?  Does it really hurt me if they think they're top-notch highly motivated athletes?  Is it really necessary for them to know that they will never be as good as so-and-so?  It's important for people to have self-confidence, and enjoy what they're doing.  Not for them to "know their place"!  Oh my gosh!  Please grant me the willingness to accept myself and others exactly as we are, and to find the good in everyone.  To appreciate each of us for who we are.  I want to be able to enjoy connecting with everyone I come into contact with, and stop trying to find reasons to cut myself off from all of humanity.  That would be better for all of us.  

deep breath.

I accept that this is going to take me a while.  I'll keep praying for it, and staying aware of it.  I'll keep trying, and letting go.  

I'm so glad I did all of this writing and talking today.  I feel so much clearer and coherent and self aware.  Everything had gotten foggy.