ohhhh-I get it

Last night someone in program told me that I can't do the things I used to do before program (in reference to training at the level I used to).  I was not in a good state of mind, and interpreted this to the extreme.  I believe that in recovery, I will be able to train at an even higher level once I am able to keep my brain turned on and go full force right up to the line of "too much", but stop before I get there; rest in a productive healthy way, while studying other parts or things, and go hard again as soon as I'm ready.  I think that's part of God's plan for me, and having access to what i need to do to stay in line with that will make me more effective at everything.  i'm just not there yet.  i'm still in the awkward phase, and last night when she made that statement, my plan for my future was challenged.  "you can't have that stuff in recovery.  Would you rather have that stuff or recovery?"  and in that moment, without hesitation, my answer was "that stuff".  I wanted recovery because i had lost it in my eating disorder, and getting it back was my whole meaning and purpose in life, my reason for seeking out recovery.  the thing is, I may or may not have that stuff in recovery, but without recovery I have nothing.  and this day was about reminding me of that fact.  Last night, I unintentionally made the decision to seek out success in my plan- my will.  I stuck to my recovery routine as much as I could, but prioritized my training above it.  within an hour of waking up, everything began slipping through my fingers today.  It's amazing how fast it felt like I was losing everything.  Today was a perfect reminder of why recovery comes first.  first and always.  because if I don't make time for recovery, I have nothing.  I lost the initiative to take action in anything.  I wanted to do everything, but couldn't make myself do anything except seek out food, and I went just beyond the edges of my food plan in every way I could .  Exertion of my crazy self will tore me down today.  I'm really grateful that I was receptive and insightful enough to learn from it.  Tonight my prayer is to let go of all of that self will, and wake up with the willingness to put all the energy and motivation I was inspired with yesterday into taking the hard contrary actions which will align me with my higher power.  the willingness to truly explore the things that i'm scared of, and to push myself to the absolute extent of my ability in the ways that are healthy.  i think I do get it.