I feel like for the past couple of weeks I've been looking over the edge of a cliff-sensing that death drop getting closer and closer, and I've been crying out for help, and then regaining composure, and then crying out again.  Today I feel like I've stepped over the edge, and I'm standing on the loose dirt that's all slipping away under my feet.  It feels like the landslide is in motion, and I'm on it with no power to stop it.  Nothing disasterous has happened, nor is it certain that it will.  It just feels like all the old warning signs have popped up-all the old thoughts and behaviors have been set in motion, and i'm taking almost none of the tools I've learned to help myself.  I'm just waiting to see if anyone answers my call for help.  that sounds so pitiful, but it does go right along with what i've been so upset about lately.  how I feel like no one is there for me unless I drag them in.  I want so badly to know that if I'm in trouble, someone who loves me is going to swoop in and save me.  Is this a desperate attempt to find out if anyone cares?  Is that part of what my eating disorder was about to begin with?  Did I get myself into trouble just to see if anyone was paying attention?  Maybe today is just an emotional reaction to the chance meeting I had yesterday...the 2 sentence conversation I had with the one person who ever gave me that sense of security.  I think the reminder  of what it was like to feel so safe and protected, and to see that I really don't have that right now was just really triggering.  I think I'm just acting out because I want someone to swoop in and save me like before.  That would be so much easier.  I have to remember that I don't want to be that kind of needy person.  As much as I want to know that someone is there for me, I want to know that I can stand on my own two feet, and take care of myself so that I can be present and useful to others.  This is hard.  I have such a strange feeling right now.  I want to run away to some exotic beautiful location in nature, but i'm not willing to go anywhere.  I want to do something exciting, but I'm not willing to get up.  I want to get really skinny, but I want to eat more and more, and my meals have been messy today.  my knee hurts, but i don't feel like icing it.  my stomach is full, and it feels like frozen yogurt would fix it.  luckily, it doesn't seem like it's worth the effort it would take to go get it.  I want to drill certain skills over and over so I can be as good as the guys I worked with yesterday, but i'm just not willing to do it right now.  I want someone else to make me do it.  i don't know what's best for me right now.  I think this day i like...I was inspired by what I saw people doing yesterday.  I was inspired to buckle down and start working harder...really hard, and be good like them.  They don't have to practice gentleness and rest time the way I do, and they're really good and in great shape.  I was inspired to train the way they do, which is what I used to try to do, and I think a part of me trembled at the idea.  My all or nothing thinking said that I was about to kick into over-training self-harm mode, and I rebelled against it by ... self sabotauging.  I ate a little too much at breakfast.  Then I felt bad for getting off to a bad start, and wanted to compensate by working even harder than I'd been sub-consciously planning, and the fear of having to do that caused me to fight back even harder in my default instinctive way: I ate a bigger lunch.  and all the stress of how to workout and get better, and thinner/leaner/stronger/faster, and the feelings of inadequacy and lonliness...they're all still there.  I've just been skipping around them...avoiding them by trying to plan activities that i'm just not willing to do right now...and yet am desperate to do them.  I'm so confused, but I seem to have somehow made sense of it.  So maybe my instinct this morning that I was overflowing with emotions to process was right.  maybe I should have kept calling people to talk to instead of choosing one person, and waiting on her, and then missing her phone call when she called back.  Now I've put it off long enough that I'm missing the activities I really wanted to go to today.  I just feel like a car with the hood popped open.  It had some problems and was making some funny noises, but it was running.  I had to pop the hood, and take everything out to find the problems, and fix them.  Now that some stuff is out in the light, I think things are getting better, but you can't tell, because you can't very well drive a car around town with the hood popped and the engine in pieces.  it's hard to be in that place.  I feel really tired and vulnerable right now.  I don't want to go anywhere, but i don't have a mechanic in my house.  I can't expect to get better just by waiting around.  especially if I'm gonna eat meals like I've been having today.