I went out for a run this evening, and considered stopping into a salsa class ... just in case I happened to pass one on my home...there actually wasn't one, but if there was...

so at first i was like 

"but i look so ratty in this old t-shirt", but I was like 

"no.  it's OK.  my sports bra matches my pants", but then 

"i can't do a dance class with my stomach showing now.  my stomach is too flabby today."

then I thought about it for a second, and realized it was ok, because I wouldn't know anyone in a random salsa class.  they wouldn't know that I have to be a super hero...because everybody else knows that I do have to be a super hero?  It hit me how funny that idea was, and how skewed my perception is of everybody else's perception of me is.  I feel like everyone in my line of work knows that I have the potential to be a super hero, and if I let them see my flaws, they will be disgusted with me.  This is such a hard thing for me to get past.  There are a million and one things that I want to do, and usually any time I try something new, I demonstrate amazing potential at it...physical skills that is.  It becomes obvious that whatever I'm trying, if I really put some work into it, I can become exceptional at it.  I want to live up to that potential in everything, and so I have this picture of me in my head- what I think I'm supposed to be.  This image of me assumes that I've trained like an elite athlete in virtually every sport and physical skill known to man.  In reality, I could probably achieve greatness in any one of these things.  Maybe even 2, but I beat myself up for not being ALL of them right now.  I make progress in one, and slip back in another.  What's hard for me to accept is that maybe that's OK.  The problem is a lack of humility.  I expect to be a super hero, so I'm surprised and devastated when I demonstrate repeatedly that I am in fact human.  No one expects more than that...

crap.

that was comforting for about 5 seconds.

no one expects more than that except me and one other person.  My role model, coach, and mentor who is no longer around.  He believed in me.  He tried to teach me how to think for myself- how to train multiple things at once- how to be efficient with my training.  Don't learn specific tricks.  Learn air awareness.  Don't memorize combinations.  Learn to see and understand movement, and to be able to think on your toes.  Stay turned on.  But I didn't want to listen.  I wanted to be a robot, and follow orders without thinking, and now i'm left on my own with nobody's orders to follow but my own.  I know it's good for me, and I just have to go through this awkward phase, and force myself to think for myself.  I can't just wait around for someone else to do it for me.  I just thought I'd get it by now.  I need some training partners.  a group.  I feel alone and abandoned...again.  it's not like I'm unique in this.  I know it's up to me to do the work and get out there.  It's my own fault for isolating myself, but ugh!  it's so hard...but i know what he would have told me about that...about anything.  "the hard is what makes it great."  He's right.  I really want to get in with this one group that's already in existence.  They're definitely already ahead of me, and I'm afraid of 2 things: one, that they won't want me, and two, if they do let me in, I'll give up on thinking for myself and follow whatever they do.  I have been noticing this obnoxious problem lately...

so I'm a compulsive overeater, but I'm  also a restricter and extreme dieter.  I have to be careful of certain alcoholic foods, but I also have to practice accepdance of foods that I consider imperfect.  Now rather than take contrary action in both of those areas to improve my recovery, I use each one as an excuse to act out in both ways.  for example, I know that frozen yogurt and sweet breads are problems for me, but lately, I've been saying that they're OK, and even good because I'm practicing not restricting.  then I suffer the consequences.  pain in the butt.