disconnected from consequneces

sigh.  the good news is, I could go eat dinner right now, but I know I'm feeling something, and even though I feel like I've processed it in my head, my dinner will be saner if I write about it first.  I have this reaction whenever my roommate calls me out on something.  If I forget to wash a dish or turn off the oven or lock myself out of the apt, he says something about it, and I feel sooooo inferior.  I don't know if it's the way he says it, but it always gets me.  No matter how the rest of the day went, it just breaks me down every time without fail.  Today, I think i understand why.  I think I wrote before about how sensitive I am to "getting in trouble".  When I do something wrong or irresponsible, I justify it to myself.  I couldn't live with myself if I did something wrong out of spite, anger, or inconsiderateness, but if I simply have no other choice, am forced into a corner, and am taking the only possible action with good intentions, then I can accept myself as a good person.  I know it's inconsiderate to leave dirty dishes in the sink, but I'm running so late, and it will have a devastating effect on many other people if I'm late, so I have to leave the dish in the sink.  I will clean it up later.  And besides, my roommate does it sometimes too, so he can't say anything about it.  Through this justification, I have disconnected from the concept that I'm doing anything wrong.  Now if I forget about that dish for a few days and my roommate calls me out on it, I realize that I have done something rude and inconsiderate, that I've inconvenienced someone else, and that they probably think badly of me.

He has this big bin of protein powder.  over christmas, I tried a scoop.  I didn't think he'd notice one missing scoop, but I  got addicted.  I kept taking scoops until I knew I'd have to replace it.  I guess I thought that if I took a small enough amount that he didn't notice, I wasn't wrong for taking it.  And if I replaced exactly what I took, I wasn't doing anything wrong.  The new package didn't come quickly enough to hide it from him, so I came clean, and told him that the new bin was in the mail.  When it arrived, it replaced way more than I had eaten, so I continued to help myself to what was there.  After all, at least half of the new stuff was rightfully mine anyway.  I'm not sure when I surpassed my half of the new protein, but he must keep better tabs on it than I do.  He left a note on my door saying he was charging me for it since I was eating more than my share "and I never asked for permission anyway".  I was soooo hurt by that note!  why?  I realized that I'd felt a little pang of guilt every time I scooped out of that container.  I tried to wait until he wasn't watching.  I was sneaking it, because I wanted more than my fair share.  I had disconnected from the reality that I was stealing his protein powder, but he threw it right out in the open, and I felt naked and hated.  I felt like I was a bad person, and everyone knew it.  I feel like a mooch who takes advantage of everybody, and give out very little in return.  I feel like I do just barely enough for other people to almost believe that I'm not a selfish brat, but not quite enough, and it's heart wrenching when I feel like other people can see me for what I really am.  This is one of the defects I'm writing about in my 4th step.  I don't want to be that person