Fighter

Today, someone told me "you never really know a person until you've seen them fight".  I think the basic idea was that people behave civilly and act a certain way so that they appear to be nice good people, but you don't really really know them until you've seen how they react when they've been backed into a corner, and the pressure's on.  It made me wonder...what does my fighting style say about me?  Not that I really fight, but I do spar on occasion, and don't I argue in a similar way?  To be completely honest, I feel inadequate at both.  I feel like my growth has been stunted, and although I have all the tools I need to be exquisite, I'm behind all of my peers.

     When I was a little kid, I had a crazy temper.  I would get sooo mad, like my chest was going to explode, and then I would unleash whatever chaos I was capable of, inflicting pain and punishment on anyone within my reach.  I would be nice as long as i knew I was winning - in control, but if that was threatened, I would be blinded by my fury, and I'd lose all control, just like many people do when they get hit in a fight.  By the time I was 10, I learned how detrimental this was to me and my cause.  Once I lost control, I never got what I wanted, so I began trying different tactics.  

     Arguments with my brother usually took a similar course.  We argued, he refused to understand that I had clearly won; I lost my temper, and attacked him; I got in trouble, and he got the last laugh.  Even after I learned to control my temper, and defeat him with my superior logic and 12 year old comebacks, I got in trouble.  I insulted him too cruely, and he was younger, so it wasn't fair.  He would start an argument, I would respond cooly, and I would get in trouble.  My only defense was to completely ignore him.  There was no acceptable response.  Even clever sarcastic retorts were punished.  Thus, I was conditioned out of my natural defensive instincts.  I now find myself incapable of participating in friendly teasing or trash talk, and when someone throws a kick or punch at me, my instinct is to demonstrate instantly that I have no capacity to attack, am incapable of and unwilling to defend myself, and they are hurting me, thus putting myself in the position of my little brother from younger years, who always got the last laugh.  Wow.  I didn't realize that was why I was doing that.  When I feel like I stand a chance, I stay present, but when the odds seem insurmountable, I stop fighting.  I shut down, and give up.  I don't like that.  I like to think of myself as someone who overcomes everything and works harder than anyone, but it's true.  I will work my butt off to achieve the impossible if I Know I can do it, but once I accept that I can't, I drop everything.  I'm so focused on the destination, that I lose sight of the value of the journey.  I think I give up too easily.  I fight with everything I have as long as i know i stand a chance, but how many times have I cut my losses, and thrown in the towel?  I think there's something so admirable about fighting til the end even when you know you've already lost...like in "300"  but that's not very balanced, is it?  I don't know what's right or wrong, but when i give up and refuse to attack in sparring, that doesn't feel right.  it just feels hopeless.  it further stunts my growth, and when a friend jokingly trash talks, and I ignore them, I'm isolating myself, further ingraining that conditioning.  I have to risk falling on my butt to learn how to attack, and risk looking like a fool so that I can hang with my friends' playful trash talk.  It'll take a long time.  and that's ok.