now i got it.  i know what i'm really upset about.  I love hearing how much i've changed since program.  in a way, it's good that i'm learning new ways to love and validate myself besides quantifiable success, but it's not good that so much of my self worth is tied into other people's perception of my progress in recovery.  yes- focusing on recovery is great.  but my attitude right now shows lack of acceptance of myself as who I am.  It say "i'm only ok if i'm better than I used to be, and if that difference is significant enough for you to see it and be impressed."  I asked my brother this afternoon if he could see the difference.  "from what?" he asked.  he had no idea what i was talking about.  it hadn't occurred to him that my whole way of life has been transforming drastically for the past year - that i've uprooted the core of my beliefs about how the world works and how i fit into it.  I swear i'd talked to him about this.  Now, granted, there's no reason that he should be able to see a difference.  I've probably seen him 4 times since i left for college 6 1/2 years ago.  I began my eating disorder about 5 years ago, and right now, he's been here for slightly over 24 hours.  how on earth could i expect him to see a difference?  and then i started behaving ... well ... like a spoiled child, which is probably exactly how he remembers me from when we were really little...before i learned to stuff everything and behave like the perfect child.  So to him, this probably looks like backward progress, or at best, just the same old me.  I hated not having all kinds of enlightened recovery to flaunt, and even though i shouldn't be doing this just for attention and admiration from other people, there's more.  I'm also mad at myself for not being better.  I'm mad at myself for not accepting life on life's terms or for being incapable accepting where I am right now.  I really hated myself a few minutes ago.  I feel a little better now that i've gotten some of this out.  it was really bubbling over.