I've been feeling really self conscious about working with some guys I used to know.  I'm going to see them for the first time in a year tomorrow, and I don't know how to interact with them.  In the back of my mind, I know they're going to wonder why I haven't improved, and why in some ways, I'm even rusty at the things I was better at then.  Especially since they were already so much better than me, I've been feeling really scared about having to explain why i'm not better.  Of course, I have some really freakin' good reasons.  really good.  In fact, if any rational person heard half of the reasons, not only would they accept them; they'd probably be shocked at how well I've managed to maintain the skills I still have.  I really haven't lost that much, and in all honesty, I'll probably be back at the same level I was within another month, and then I'll be on the way up again.  but that's all future and guesswork, and therefore beside the point.  What I realized a few minutes ago is that the half explanation I plan on presenting to "the guys" if they question me will probably be fully satisfactory to them as long as I deliver it with confidence and acceptance.  The only person who still seems incapable of accepting me where I am is me.  When I tell my story, I sound like I have something to hide, because I feel like I do.  I sound like I'm using petty excuses for being lazy, because I feel like I am.  I've had major compounded injuries that prevented me from training to the best of my ability.  I've been in eating disorder inpatient treatment where I was allowed only 1-2 hours /day to workout, and I didn't have any of my usual gyms, coaches, or equipment.  Even when I returned home, over each workout hung the threat of relapse into self harm and reinjury.  I've had to learn a whole different way of looking at the world and motivating myself.  These are life lessons that may have slowed my physical progress temporarily, but in the long run does nothing but improve it.  in every way.  But still a part of me says "there was nothing wrong with the top half of your body!  You could have been doing all kinds of crazy upper body workouts- bars, rings, weapons, acrobatics, aerial stuff...just because one entire leg has been incapacitated doesn't mean the rest of your body is off the hook.  you were just looking for an excuse!"  but that's not my voice.  I thought I had squeezed that voice out of my head in most things, but there he is again.  it's ED.