i'm in such a weird place in my life. Based on my way of thinking for most of my life, nothing is as it should be, and i'm totally miserable, but thank God, that's not the way it is. I am unreasonably happy and excited about life. Nothing I could have done could have changed my circumstances. Certain things happened that were beyond my control, and while last year i would have alternated between denial and misery, this year I am open to the amazing new directions in which my life could go. I love the path my life was on before my accident, and hope that I can continue on that path. I will continue to do what footwork I can towards that goal, but there is very little that I can healthfully do in that direction, while there are so many new inspiring ideas which are not at all hindered by my current condition. Yesterday, i had no committments, appointments, or obligations. nothing but possibilities and time. Everything seems to be falling into place, and all of my footwork seems to be leading in several very promising directions. different directions, and i don't know if they'll all fit together. that's such familiar territory for me. i always have a million things to do, and have to scramble to fit them all in. Since my whole schedule planner emptied out 5 weeks ago, i've really learned to love this fly by the seat of my pants way of life. i'm planning all kinds of road trips, and getting really used to having no place to be. So suddenly my schedule might be filling up. I'm feeling pressure to figure out how to fit everything in while i still have time. id i'm gonna have one job that forces me to at least stay in town, then i might as well get all these other things (like massage school and community college classes, and fire fighter training) done at the same tiem. but that means coordinating them all, making sure they're in the same vacinity, and that they don't overlap. then i have to move so that i'm close to that area, and can i afford it? then what if i have no free time? what if i go back to all of my old habits?
ohhhhhhhh. that's why i was "hungary" a couple of minutes ago. the opportunities are exciting, yet safe and comfortable when they're only vague possibilities in the distant future, but when they start coming to fruition, i have to face the practicality of them-the logistics rather than just the ideal.
I guess i just have to remember that i only have to do the small steps directly in front of me and i don't have to do everything at once. most summer classes don't start til june 22. hmmm. it just came to me. over the summer, i want to work at the treatment center and take sign language, and live in the OC...somewhere. it'll be like summer vacation while i heal. i can put the other 3 jobs on hold (unless they pursue me) until fall, so i can focus on a few. so that makes the top priorities 1. my own recovery and program, 2. training for the job i just got? and doing it, 3. getting a place to live down there for a while, and 4. a summer school class. that's more than enough. i feel so much better.
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