Progress

Last night I cried spontaneously, for no apparent reason.  It was like...drug addiction or withdrawl or something.  I had one of my first really hard intense workout in a long time, and got a taste of that adrenaline.  It triggered the addiction, and when I stopped, I started shaking and crying.  It was weird.

Today, I was tired, so after training, I went home, hopped the fence of my little pool courtyard, and took a nap in the sun.  I didn't stress about it.  I didn't beat myself up for it.  I did nothing, and then read a little of my book, and enjoyed it.

Compulsive overeater

When I went into treatment, I was not happy to hear about the "success" people were having with trying new foods.  Desserts, sauces, and rich dishes which had been forbidden for years were no longer a cause for stress.  This horrified me.  I had lots of forbidden foods because they were BAD!!!  I was terrified of them, and I wanted those foods to die a miserable, tortured death, and never bother me again.  I was in recovery to avoid those foods, not to learn to be OK with eating them.  They weren't OK!

And as I've grown in the program, I've seen how damaging it can be to have such an unhealthy fear of something as simple as food.  When I allowed myself to eat bread, it took the power away from it, and I lost interest in bread.  I eat it sometimes, but not all that frequently.  I've been practicing not beating myself up for imperfect food choices, and protecting my right to choose the foods I want...

But as usual, ED has found a way to take advantage of this.  I'm realizing again how much I am a compulsive overeater.  I choose a food that I know I tend to eat compulsively, and insist that it's OK, because it fits into my food plan.  I then think better of it, because I know how compulsive it is, and that it's not all that healthy, but then ED snaps back with you want this!  If you deprive yourself of it, that's such eating disorder behavior!  If you want to recover, you pretty much have to eat this.  Go ahead.  Enjoy it.  And I've been listening.  I've found that I stopped eating to nourish my body.  That generally happens as a side effect, because I have a great food plan, but my intention each time I eat is to control or satisfy my cravings.  If you don't eat exactly what you want, you're going to have an out of control binge later.  or If you don't put enough on your plate, you'll be tempted to go for seconds, and break your food plan.  Better make sure there's enough on that plate before you start.  But don't force yourself to stop eating before the plate's empty.  Just because your full, doesn't mean you have to be deprived of the rest of your meal.  It's not that much more anyway.  It would be obsessive to force yourself to leave just 3 bites.  Go ahead and finish it.  It's all crap.  I think I just have to look at my eating behavior more as a compulsive eater than an anorexic, because that's been the consistent tendency throughout my life.  My foodplan prevents either from spiraling out of control, but the compulsive eating is the one that must be dealt with now.

I feel really uncomfortable, and I know that's OK, but it's well....uncomfortable.  I'm exhausted.  I've been too tired to get ready for bed for 4.5 hours now, and have had 2 meals since then.  And I have to be honest.  the second one came a little too soon after the first, and they were both a little compulsive.  I don't know what I'm trying to hide from...fear of new experiences and of same old routine; fear of overexcitement and of boredom...it sounds like i'm having fear about either extreme, but am uncomfortable being in the middle.  I'd rather be afraid and excited on an extreme than bored and uncomfortable in the middle, but the middle is what I'm seeking - balance.  As much as I know it's good and necessary for me, I don't like it.  I think i like the results that are produced by balance ... maybe? but i'm not sure.  it all sounds so medium and average.  I'm just too tired to think right now.  maybe i'll actually go to sleep now.  i sure need it.

rational though...what!?

so i just had the most absurdly, uncharacteristic, rational thought...I was craving something to eat.  I was imagining all the possibilities for my next meal.  I had been fantasizing about it since I finished eating my last meal.  It was almost time finally, but nothing seemed like enough.  If I planned out the perfect meal, then I would come up with something entirely different that I simply had to have that wasn't any better...just different.  but then I would feel deprived of the first idea...I knew I could manage choosing one, eating it, and stopping, but would I really even enjoy it?  I realized that I would spend the entire meal fretting about how I would feel when I'd taken the last bite, and had nothing left.  I wouldn't enjoy any of the bites in between.  what could I do?  "Maybe if I write for a little while before my meal, I'll be less compulsive, make a healthier choice, and enjoy each moment of it more anyway."  Wow!  where did I get that!?  I don't know, but I'm doing it.  I had wanted to eat in front of the movie that just came on netflix: "the 5 people you meet in heaven".  I was gonna zone out, and not be present for any of the meal.  I think I want some time to zone out, but it will be more satisfying if I'm not eating while I'm doing it.  I can't decide if I want to eat in front of the movie or not.  I really have a problem with eating while doing nothing.  I always want to have something else going on...checking e-mail, talking to people, reading, or of course watching tv.  I've actually been doing good with that during breakfast.  I do pretty much nothing while i eat breakfast.  I say my mealtime prayer...and pay attention to my fullness.  I don't do that with my other meals.  I load my plate, and eat until it's gone.  It's always a fairly reasonable portion size, but it's certainly not mindful eating.  I really don't want to do that for dinner!...i mean i do.  I don't want to have to stay conscious while i'm eating!  but hmmm...i guess it's a tradeoff...I can tune into my body, shut out the distractions, and actually enjoy my meal, or I can put my mind elsewhere, disconnect, and miss out on the enjoyment of eating.  I don't think I ever really made the connection between the enjoyment of a meal, and being present and conscious for it.  That's probably because what I was craving was not the food- it was the time to check out and disconnect.  Perhaps if I promise myself time to check out in front of the movie with some nice bottled water or hot tea, I can be present for my meal...I do want to do that...but I still want to have some distraction in front of me.  I just feel like eating without multi-tasking is such a waste of time.  or is that just an excuse?  I can't quite wrap my mind around it yet.  But if I actually do this- if I sit down in the stillness, and eat my dinner, this will be the hugest example of contrary action know to me. 

 I don't want to do it.  Now that i've considered it, eating without the movie in front of me...just being there with me and the food...sucks all of the fun out of it.  I still get credit for contrary action just for writing before my meal, right?  Maybe I could make my dinner, bring it outside, and have the first few bites out there.  then if it's not satisfying, I can bring it inside and watch the movie while I finish it.  I'll even get the movie started and paused right at the beginning so that all i have to do is come in and sit down.  I think i can do this.  I want to take a few minutes to pray for the willingness, or something, then I'll go prep my meal.

to weigh...or not to weigh

I'm so tired.  But I had a little run-in today that I should touch on really quickly.  I ate a salad at 3 pm, and meant to have dinner at 6, but only had time for a few sips of a protein drink.  thought I'd have something on the way to this formal event, but was running late.  Figured i'd eat when i got there, but there was no food.  On my way home at 11pm (yes that's 8 hrs without eating) I realized that now would be the perfect time to weigh myself.  I never go this long without eating!  i probably weigh way less than usual now!  I haven't weighed myself since July, and that's a good thing, but on that ride home, I went through all the possible reasons that I needed to weigh myself.  I have lots of good reasons, but I considered the possibilities.

a. I weigh less than I expected, and use that to validate myself

b. I weigh what I expect, which makes me average to OK

c. I weigh more than I would have guessed, and wonder how I can work so hard and still fail at life

In all three cases, I gain a reference point for judging myself, and become more inclined to measure and attempt to control my body.  In all three cases, I have shifted the focus where it shouldn't be, and have surrendered to ED rather than God.

I didn't weigh myself.  I don't know how much I weigh.  I feel really thick and a little pudgy right now, but I don't know how much of that is just the distorted filter that sometimes falls over my eyes.  

Grattitude

I have that bubbling full, boiling over with happiness feeling right now -  that feeling you can only get from true human connection.  I love my roommates, and I love my friends.  I love when you risk something...put yourself out there, and get back nothing but love.  When you put an arm around a friend, and get a hug back.  When you ask for help getting to a meeting, and get a ride.  When you put your feelings out there, and get love and warmth right back.  Today had its ups and downs, but I feel so alive and fulfilled right now.  Everything passes in its time, but right now, I can enjoy this moment, and really, that's the only thing that matters.

I'm also grateful for:

my new phone

my new phone service

my free dinner

puppies

red

kung fu

trees

hot sunny days

stars

my sheets

my bed

OA

Nature

star wars

acting class

my computer

opposable thumbs

mountains

my mom

halloween

sleep overs

cottage cheese

God

my sponsor...I need to call her!

my blog

my check list

and the miracle that for 4 weeks, i have stayed off of my right leg!!! and that I'm willing to take even longer if that's what my body needs.  seriously!  I care that much about my health!

I don't know what I need to write, but I think I need to.  I am feeling a little overwhelmed.  I have a ton of errand type things to do.  changing phone plans, checking health insurance, dentist, apts, and my new agent just gave me a ton of homework.  I was frustrated in class today.  I don't mind being injured that much when I'm given other things to do.  When I get my own little assignments, so that I feel like I'm still making progress, but today, they all did things that i really can't safely do.  I mean, I could, and I wanted to, but I can't seem to do anything halfway, so I ended up going a little too far, and had to just stop all together before I actually did damage.  

I know what i'm self conscious and upset about now.  I didn't stick to my food plan today.  I feel like I overate at 2 meals today.  Nothing serious, and I may have actually needed that much food.  I'm not sure, but instead of setting it out on a plate, I decided to eat one thing for lunch, but snacked on another while I was preparing the meal.  the snack turned into something large enough to qualify for a meal in and of itself, and then I ate the planned meal anyway.  I brushed it off and didn't worry about it.  Tonight, however, I planned on having my fruit and cottage cheese mixture for dinner, but changed my mind, and had a leftover salmon and veggi omlette "instead".  I left myself the option to have a little something else if I wasn't satisfied after the omlette, which already violates the food plan.  In order to protect myself from eating compulsively, I place everything I plan on eating in front of me before I begin.  I don't have to finish it, but if i want the option to eat it, it has to be out, measured, and on the plate before I begin.  but it wasn't.  I left it wide open, and after the omlett, I though I might be physically satisfied.  I wasn't sure, but I was sure that i wanted something more, and that I had said I could have something else.  So I made a big bowl of the cottage cheese mixture.  It was compulsive, and that was 2 double meals in one day.  I'm not beating myself up about it, but I did say a prayer before bed for the willingness and ability to return to the safety of the food plan.  Maybe it's good that I'm getting the confidence to attempt independence from the food plan and more reliance on intuitive eating, but I think i got ahead of myself, and that's dangerous.  I don't think I'm quite ready, but I learned from the experience, and 2 semi-large meals are not going to make me fat.  I don't know how to spell omlate. what the heck.

i'm still feeling a little disconnected too.  I want stronger more consistent ties to my friends and mentors.  I want to be more present and connected to people I love.  I'm feeling that spiritual hole.  Maybe that's why i was eating kinda crazy today.  I guess that means I pray more, right?  eh-  ok.  I'll try it.

Clearing my Head

I know I'm tired, but I can't sleep right now.  I haven't written today, and I have a million partial thoughts circling around in my head.  I think they're going to keep me awake until I organize them a little.  Tomorrow I have to go to my 2 classes, and find out if I'm getting my meditation lesson...and if so, where and when.  I have a marketing meeting with my new agent in the afternoon, and I need to bring pictures.  So I have to go to kinkos or something to get the negatives put on a disk so we can look at them.  i'll need to leave my house by 2:25 to get there on time, so I should be back at my house getting ready by 1pm.  Class finishes at 10:30, so I can run errands then:

-deposit checks

-negatives to disk

-hair

-mail mom's present

I feel like I'm missing something, but I don't know what it is.  Oh-well...maybe I'll remember later.

I've done a good job of letting my body recover this weekend.  I was really tired and sore yesterday and this morning, but I'm feeling a lot better now.  I played at the beach today, and had a peaceful lunch by myself in the rafter type things under the boardwalk.  I like it up there.  it's about 15 feet above the waves, and 8 feet under the fishermen.  In the middle of the day, the sun shines on the planks I sit on, and sometimes the waves crash into the huge wooden posts holding me up, and splash me.  Then I took a long nap in the sand, and read a chapter of a fantasy type book, and went off to play with the acrobats.  It's weird.  I love it there, and I always have.  It was the first place I visited when I came to california, and all the people there love doing the same things I do, and we all have so much in common...but I always feel like a little bit of an outsider- like I don't really connect or fit in.  I'm not sure if I always felt that way there, or if it's more of a recent development, but most conversations I have there feel short and superficial.  It frustrates me since I've been working so hard at staying connected and being present, and you'd think those would be the people I'd connect most easily with.  I think maybe it has something to do with the fact that activity used to be my primary way of connecting.  I didn't know how to open up verbally or identify my feelings, so I felt most connected to other people who expressed themselves through physical activity.  Since I've been going through this intense growth period, I've been putting way more emphasis on the emotional stuff, and realizing how empty the physical stuff is.  I think that's just another side of my black and white thinking.  I don't have to figure it out now.  Maybe it's just a phase.  I just feel like such a shallow jerk when I'm there.  I go there wanting human connection, and fun in the sun, but all I can focus on is "what can I do."  Rings, balancing, bars, swimming.  Everyone else is friendly and knows my name, and runs up and says hi, and gives me a big hug...but I don't remember half of them.  I look through them as they introduce themselves, and end conversations quickly to get another turn on some apparatus that will probably damage my knee.  Is it just habit?  what a horrible habit.  I think it's part of the old mentality that I have to train hard constantly.  Get in the zone, and don't let anyone interfere.  I used to be so hell-bent on learning more and more new skills, but I was to exhausted to really get anything out of any of it.  I'd try, get frustrated, and search desperately for something new that I could handle learning.  Something different that could hold my attention long enough to burn a few calories.  I was already so ADD, that I couldn't handle people adding to the distractions.  "Stop talking, and get away from me, so that I can abuse myself properly!  How can I disconnect enough to thoroughly drive myself into the ground if you keep asking me to be present!?"  I guess the more tired I am when I go there, and the more I intend to relax, the more likely I am to simply fall into old habitual thought patterns.  Being present requires a lot of initiative on my part, and when I'm tired, how can I expect to charge ahead with new emotional challenges?  I wasn't thinking, so my tired brain searched for the most instinctive way to fulfill my heart- the old ineffective way: find the most fun interesting activity, and do it.  I feel a little better about it now that I put it all in perspective.  

Do I have anything else to think about that's keeping me awake?

I ate a protein bar today at the beach.  I generally don't think they're good for me.  I struggled with those a while ago.  I find them really addictive and not very satiating, but I wanted one, I thought I could handle it, and there weren't really any better options at the time.  It was actually fine.  I didn't enjoy it that much, but it was good.  I didn't want another.  It had more sugar than I'm really comfortable with, but it didn't seem like a big deal.  I got hungary somewhat soon afterwards, but I waited until my foodplan said it was appropriate, and was lucky enough to receive an outreach call during the last 15 minutes before my meal, while I was looking for something to do to keep my mind off of eating.  It was cool.

I've been having a lot of interesting dreams lately, but i didn't write them down.  Last night, I was in an old deserted jurassic park type of theme park with...someone.  I don't remember who, but i think we were younger.  and we had to climb down a tree?  and I think we were hiding out in the rafters of a gymnasium or something.  Then in the second part, there were all of these army guys looking for a bunch of us.  I don't know why, but we were all hiding, and they were tracking us down.  I started out in this old house that looked like it belonged to a grandmother.  They found me, and I took off running, and got just far enough ahead to hide again, but they found me again.  I made it to the roof, and was leaping from roof top to roof top, and one of my instructors was there watching me leap onto a wall, shaking his head at me for endangering my injured knee.  I felt guilty, but they had machine guns!  I was running for my life.  Some part of me knew they wouldn't shoot though.  I think they were supposed to bring me in alive.

sad

I'm feeling down tonight.  really sad and lonely.  I think it's mostly lonely.  At first I thought it was because I'm always alone-always on my own agenda-never making time for people-destined to be isolated.  And then I thought about how I felt on monday and tuesday.  I had journaled about how happy, fulfilled, and connected I felt.  Last Sunday I spent quality time with new friends, and felt like part of the group.  I'm finding friendship with training partners and coworkers.  The gap between friends (found either in program or thousands of miles away) and work/training/daily life was closing.  I've made friends in my gym, and recruited others who were already friends to join me at my gym.  I'm venturing out on social events with people from work and training.  I've been less lonely this week than ever!  Why would one afternoon and evening alone cause me so much pain?  My mom suggested that I curl up with a good book, and enjoy the night alone.  I can't!  I thought.  I need people!  Part of my recovery is learning to be social, and I got invited to go partying with some really cool really fun people from work that I've been wanting to hang out with.  I want to go, but it's so late!  I don't want to go out at 10 pm.  I don't want to drink.  I'm injured, and shouldn't dance yet.  plus I don't feel like it.  But they invited me, and if I don't go, then I'm failing at recovery.  I'm supposed to be learning to connect with people, and if I say no to them AGAIN, they may not invite me again.  They'll think I don't like them, and I won't get another chance.  My mom reminded me of the reality that I will have another chance, I obviously don't want to go, and if I really want to hang out with them, I can organize something on my own and invite them.  Take initiative.  Good idea Mom.  She's full of them.  I began brain storming.  Who else can I hang out with so that I can still feel loved and fulfilled and successful in recovery...lol...does that sound as compulsive and codependent to you as it does to me?  It's filling one addiction (food and exercise) with another (love and attention).  It's really cool that this time I was able to recognize it (with the help of some motherly advice) for what it was: that same spiritual hole.  I've been so busy and filled up this week with activities, friends, work, and validation that I simply didn't need my higher power.  I relied on all those tempting but unreliable outside sources, and when they faded (as they always do) I was left with a gaping hole where I should have been keeping my higher power.  So tonight I get to reconnect to that.  I took a few short minutes lying outside on a bench looking up at the palm trees against the sky.  I may play my ukulele by the pool later or meditate in a tree in the park on my way home.  But tonight is for me.  Tonight is for my higher power.

and I just made amends to the guy behind the desk at the gym who offered me a smoothie again.  I had snapped at him for asking me twice

Peaceful Warrior

Quotes from an amazing movie I just saw called "Peaceful Warrior".  I swear this is my life story

You can live a whole lifetime without ever truly being awake.

slow down.  You might taste something.

Everyone tells you what to do and what's good for you.  They don't want you to find your own answers.  They want you to believe theirs.  I want you to stop gathering information from outside yourself, and start gathering from the inside.  People are afraid of what's inside, and that's the only place their gonna find what they need.

You tell me that you wanna be more than someone who gets up on those rings and performs a well practiced stunt or two.  You tell me you wanna be someone who uses his mind and his body in ways that most people would never have the courage to, and I will train you to be a real warrior.

People are not their thoughts.  They think they are, and it brings them all kinds of sadness.  The mind is just a reflex organ.  It reacts to everything.  It fills your head with millions of random thoughts a day.  And none of those thoughts reveal any more about you than a freckle does at the end of your nose.

Take out the trash. The trash is up here [in your head].  That's the first part of your training: learning how to throw away everything you don't need up here.  The trash is anything that's keeping you from the only thing that matters. This moment here and now.  And when you truly are in the here and now, you'll be amazed by what you can do, and how well you can do it.

 Present: 100% devoted to the experience. 

You're out of your mind, you know that?  It's taken a lifetime of practice.   We want you out of your mind too.  You weren't paying attention.  Even now you're not.  Your mind's filling up again.  You're missing out on everything that's going on.

Sometimes you have to lose your mind before you can come to your senses.

A warrior does not give up what he loves.  He finds the love in what he does.  

A warrior is not about perfection or victory or invulnerability.  He's about absolute vulnerability.  That's the only true courage.  

Life is choice.  You can choose to be a victim or anything else you'd like to be.  

A warrior acts.  Only a fool reacts.

What if I can't do it.  That's the future.  Throw it out.  

There is no starting or stopping.  Only doing.

All of humanity shares you predicament.  If you don't get what you want, you suffer.  And even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer,  because you can't hold onto it forever.  

You don't surrender your dreams.  You surrender the one thing you never have and you never will.  Control.  Accept that you don't control what will happen to you.  That you may or may not compete in the olympics and that you are something exceptional either way.

Chasing gold?  Living in fear that you might fail?  That's what you love?  No! Dreaming about standing up there and winning this thing-of doing what has always felt like I was put here to do.  I've been on a trampoline since before I could ride a bike because I loved it-because it was the first thing that I was sure that I loved...I'm sorry.  I thought i was strong, but I'm not.  Cuz I really tried to give this whole thing up, but I can't.

Life is a mystery.  Don't waste time trying to figure it out.  Keep a sense of humor, especially about yourself.  It is a strength beyond all measure.  Change: Know that nothing stays the same.

Come on!  This is what I was finally ready to see!?  Well the whole trip up here you were excited and happy!  Well, yeah!  because I thought I was gonna see something!  You were like a kid on christmas morning!  I mean you said so yourself.  The whole trip up here you felt good.  because for the past 3 hours I've been waiting to see this wonderful thing.  Well what changed?  that there's nothing here but this rock!  ... The journey.  The journey's what brings us happiness.  Not the destination.

hmmm...so according to my food plan, I can eat a meal now, but I'm not hungary yet, and my stomach feels full or bloated or something.  That's fine (uncomfortable, but fine), as long as I eat before 4:30.  no problem, right?  well, I teach a class from 4:00-5:00, so if I don't eat right now, I'm late.  I may very well get tired, cranky, and hungary during class, and not be present, but honestly, it's gotten late enough that if I eat now, I'll probably be late.  hmmm.  it is a dilemma, because as a compulsive overeater, I don't think it's smart or healthy to eat when i'm clearly not hungary, but if I go too long, I will feel that addiction for starving.  I can't just abandon my other obligations either.  I don't know if I'm really legitimately full, or if it's my head just telling my I'm fat, but this time I think I'm truly full.  This may or may not be a good idea, but I'm going to practice intuitive eating, and listening to my body.  I may or may not be ready, but we'll consider this an experiment.  I'm being accountable.  I will bring my dinner with me, and eat after class.  I will be a half hour late, and it is somewhat premeditated.  but I'm being honest with myself and others, and paying attention to my body's signals.  I'll let ya know how it goes.

Love Letter to Me

i was right.  I'm really really tired.  I can tell by how quickly my mood swings.  I was totally out of it until the brake in our meeting tonight when I got to connect with some people, and immediately everything was wonderful.  Little things were hilarious, and I was on a pink cloud for like 3 minutes before I felt weepy, and by the time I walked out I was about to cry again.  I thought I had a lot to share about, but thinking is so hard right now.  my head aches.  I delayed my 2nd meal today until the latest end of the acceptable time range according to my food plan.  It was an akward morning, and I had to stop in the middle of my workout to eat.  I was craving it, and it was time.  I went back to finish my workout, and just didn't want to.  I had other things to get done, and I knew i was tired anyway.  I felt pretty guilty about it, and was further aggrivated when my instructor made a snyde remark about how he does his workout all the way through.  He can't just stop to eat in the middle.  I told him I didn't like doing it that way either, but today i had to.  I'd been really wanting to do a hard ab workout, but couldn't do it then.  I'd have to save it for later.  I was going back to the gym in the evening anyway.  That's when I found the flat tire, and had my little temper tantrum again.

I'm struggling with my knee.  I think it's swollen again.  One doctor says don't bend it past 90 degrees or do any impact whatsoever.  The other says to stretch (bend as far as possible) for an hour every day.  It hurts to ride my bike and motorcycle right now cuz it's really stiff, and I'm afraid of tearing it again, but I don't know how else to get to meetings.  I hate asking for rides.  I hate being a burden.  I need to go to sleep.  But I promised Karen I'd write myself a love letter tonight, and since I totally don't want to, I know it'll be good for me.  Ugh.

Love Letter to Me:

Dear Me,

You are so freakishly awesome, it's not even funny.  Your incredible abilities, intelligence, determination, and adorable personality shine with a light so warm and bright, no person, circumstance, or eating disorder can hide it.  You overcome incredible adversity with grace and dignity.  You dance to the beat of your own drum, never compromising what you believe to fit in with the crowd.  You are driven to excellence at whatever you choose to do, and always choose what you love.  You fearlessly follow your passion, and courageously search your soul to truly know yourself.  You maintain the highest integrity you are capable of, and work constantly to bring it to an even higher level.  You reach out to others, listening, teaching, sharing, loving, and caring.  You love.  You are loved.  You are an inspiration to many people, and leave a mark on everyone who gets even a glimmer of the real you.  You are so honest, and self aware, so willing to learn and improve.  Your list of accomplishments is breath-taking.  You're beautiful and talented, and that's just the beginning.  You're humble enough to admit powerlessness, and practice acceptance of Life on Life's terms.  You maintain a positive hopeful attitude that is remarkably refreshing in a jaded world.  You have faith in life, people, and a higher power, and are brave enough to turn your will and life over to that power...or at least begin to practice doing so.  You are so fun, so adventurous, so creative, daring, eccentric, lovable, sweet, cute, tough, strong, amazing!, flexible, energetic, honest, moral, generous, kind, silly, focused, powerful, intense, passionate, and and....YOU.  you are so YOU.  and that's why you're loved.  That's why you're great.  And even though forget it frequently, it's always true.  The more you remember that, the more brightly your light will shine through.  As you continuously grow into a more fully actualized person-100% authenticly you, that light will be nearly blinding- undeniable and irresistable.  Trust in yourself.  Believe in you.  You can do ANYTHING.  You've got everything it takes.  All you have to do is let go.  I love you.

Tired

Life's been hard lately.  No.  My attitude has made it hard to cope with life.  Life hasn't changed.  I've just been reacting unproportionally to little things- like Ky says "the situation was a 2, and my reaction was a 10".  She was talking about when she's in her disease, and in the beginning phases of recovery when our coping mechanism is taken away, and we have not yet established new healthy ways of dealing.  I like to think I've moved past that, but I can't expect it to be a perfectly constant straight shot upward.  Even a steady climb is full of bumps and dips.  My acupuncturist explained his treatment to me today.  "We start light, increase intensity, and then pull it back.  Next time increase, next time pull it back.  If you go hard all of the time, the body builds up defense mechanisms, and the treatment becomes ineffective."  I had asked him to just give me the max intensity all of the time.  I could take it!  lol.  I didn't understand that the most efficient way is to go in cycles, choosing when to increase intensity.  "Just like physical training?" I asked him.  "Yes.  If you work out all of the time, and never give time to rest and recover, you break down the muscle, but never build it back up.  You end up losing muscle."  This same concept of moderation that I've been trying to learn about food seems to apply to everything.  If I starve, my body learns to defend against starvation by slowing down and burning fewer calories.  If I run constantly, my body needs a way to rest, and will force me to take that time whether I like it or not.  If I listen to those signals early, and train in cycles, then I can avoid injuries.  It was cool seeing the example in another arena.

But back to today's topic: What am I upset about?  I've  been really sad.  I threw a fit yesterday about groceries, and today when my bicycle got a flat tire.  Granted, they were seriously frustrating, but I could have found a solution quicker if I hadn't been crying hysterically.  And last night, I cried because no one could come out to dinner with me after the meeting.  I felt really lonely.  I didn't know how much I was craving quality time with friends until I couldn't have it.  I can always get someone to come out to dinner with me after the meeting, but not this week.  I've been getting upset about little things today, and big things from the past that I thought I was over.  I've been feeling really guilty about causing the drama that happened in February.  The group I applied for (waiting to hear back on Monday) is having me help with a fundraiser this saturday, and they're putting me at one of the front tables.  "some of the other girls who are signed up to help have drama attached, and we just can't have them in the middle of things.  We know you don't have anything like that."  It's mostly true.  I'm almost never involved in drama.  I hate it, and yet I let it happen in the worst possible place with the people I admire most.  And I have to keep it secret from everyone who could understand it.  I have such fear that the group will find out and lose respect for me, and think that I am the kind of person who sneaks around and stabs people in the back.  If they got any wind of what happened, I don't think they could understand how hard I fought to prevent it, and how largely successful I was in that effort, but the moments and ways in which I failed to fight off certain advances...well they never went very far!  but they were still hurtful, and I can't bear hurting someone else.  It took me almost 2 months to even acknowledge that I too had been hurt by the situation-deeply.  I lost everything I cared about most, but didn't even notice, because I was so crushed by the pain I had inflicted on someone else.  I know it wasn't ALL my fault, but I certainly played a part.  So I've been trying not to use that as amunition to harass myself with, but it's been persistently beating me down, along with the usual feeling of fatness and laziness.  cravings and desire to skip meals are more prevalent this week.  Why?  Honestly, I think it's just because I'm tired.  I feel really sleepy, and I know that ED takes advantage of those weak impressionable times.  I'm still really tired.  but i have to go to class.  I'm thinking about skipping my meeting tonight to get some rest and writing done, but I don't think that's a good idea either.

Glad to be back

After seeing how much I learned after writing last night, even when I didn't know I had anything to say, I'm excited to see if there's more today.  I forgot how good it feels to get everything out in writing.  I had a panic attack today.  I haven't had one for a while, because I'm getting better at accepting things, and finding the good in all situations, but outbursts like today used to be way more common.

I was leaving the gym on my bicycle, and wanted to go straight home, because i have so many things to get done (I'm including a nap and a lot of writing as high priority, but mail, bills, and some business need to get addressed as well).  But-I've been needing to go to trader joe's for a LONG time.  It really simplifies my life and food plan if I keep a huge stockpile of trader joe's salads and whole food's prepackaged meals in my fridge.  Then I don't have to worry about portion sizes or what to have.  It's just grab-n-go.  But I've been having to improvise for the past week and a half, because I haven't had time to go to my favorite stores.  So today, I decided to make the time investment, and get it done.  I set out in the opposite direction of my house to get the necessary supplies, filled my cart with everything I needed, and felt a huge relief.  My food would be taken care of for the rest of the week.  I was safe...BUT NOOOOOOOO!  I had to go and leave my wallet in my locker at the gym.  If I wanted my groceries, which I did! I would have to leave my cart, ride a half hour back to the gym, another half hour back, ...hour and a half wasted!!!! and not just the time...I'm not supposed to be riding my bicycle at all because it's probably tearing my knee, and I ruined it for nothing.  Why do I always do things like this?  Stupid little mistake that ruins the whole day.  I'm exhausted, and need a nap, and now there won't be time.  I fail at self care!  No wonder my knee can't heal.  No wonder I'm throwing a freakin' temper tantrum, and can't breath  (way to fail at acceptance too!!!).  It's not fair.  I can't come back.  I CAN'T!!!  It takes too much time.  I don't want to hurt my knee.  I need a ride, but I don't know who to call.  Everyone lives too far away.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to do.  I want to go home!  no I need my wallet either way, so my knee is ruined!

I went on like that for a long time.  I was coughing, spluttering, gasping for breath, and just crying hysterically as I rode my bike back to the gym.  I knew i was rediculous, but I couldn't help it.  I got to the gym, got my wallet, and continued crying.  I didn't know what I wanted.  I had to get groceries, but I couldn't bear to go back all that way.  Could I find someone to drive me?  No!   I don't want help.  I don't want to go.  I hate grocery shopping anyway.  It's triggering, and I don't want to go.  That's actually not true at all.  I normally don't mind, and if I accept a ride from the guy who's offering, I will finish my shopping and get home at about the same time as if I start riding straight home now.  You just want to sulk.  Chill out for a second.

Then I got over it, got a ride with my friend, got my groceries, and went home.  It was nice to get a chance to talk to him anyway.

Workout this morning was pretty good.  My favorite instructor was in charge instead of the usual nazi, and this one is really good about tailoring the workouts to challenge me without hurting my injury.  It was hard for 15-20 minutes of the 2.5 hours I was there, so for the rest of the time, I argued with myself.  I was so happy and fulfilled while I was being challenged and getting stronger, but every other minute my head was telling me that I wasn't working hard enough-that there were better things for me to be doing with my time.  I should stay longer, do my own exercises, quit being lazy!  I barely did 15 minutes, and the rest was like standing around and stretching.  Waste of time!  Do you know what you could be learning if you weren't so freakin' retarded?  What would he think if he saw this "workout"?  He'd call u a freakin' bum-which is what you are.  Way to do nothing, and pretend you're being active.  that's awesome.   Then I'd try to remind myself that I'm in a recovery cycle, not a building cycle.  It'smore about healing, taking care of myself, and learning to follow directions rather than try to control everything. it's ok! it's ok!  that's just an excuse for not wanting to do anything substancial.  You just don't want to admit that you're too lazy to think for yourself!  Too lazy to work.  DAhhhhhhhh!  enough!  I can train hard later...if I'm careful now.  it's only a few more weeks, and I have to stand up to the psychopath in my head.  Remember that I used to talk to myself exactly like that when i was training hard 8 hrs per day.  it wasn't fun.  No matter how much I did, none of it was fun or productive because i couldn't focus on anything except how much I sucked and how lazy I was.  No amount of training or skill would have changed that.  The only way to fix it is by an investment now.  I have to relax, and let myself be lazy, and not yell at myself for it.  If I can learn to do that now, when I return to training, all of the energy that went into self destructive thought will be freed up to focus on learning and growing.

I'm OK now.  and it's pretty cool that these types of arguments happen as rarely as they do now instead of constantly.  It's progress.  OK, well it's time for lunch.  I'm gonna hop in the pool first, and then go take care of my body!

Since part of my disease was about always prioritizing productivity (nutrition, training, studying, work...) over people, I consider it a big step in my recovery to take time away from my routine to spend time with friends...even if it means getting behind on my writing/recovery work or missing a little sleep.  And I hate to do it...that's how I know it's right.  My instincts tell me that I must eat perfectly, train as much as I can while maintaining health and sanity, and sleep as much as necessary to remain optimally productive.  Whatever miniscule amount of time is left must be devoted to bills, paperwork, and marketing my business stuff.  It's hard for me to understand how it is acceptable to sacrifice any of these things to spend time with people, but I force myself to do it.  Sometimes it's fun, and quite often, I'm just not into it, but I practice being present and authentic.  That is something I'm committed to.  So I actually went out last night with some friends from work, who I haven't seen in months...or since before I went into recovery.  It was fairly successful.  I was present, and found it much easier to talk to people than I used to...business-wise, it was probably pretty productive, and I have no particular desire to do it again.  I still don't get why it's fun to stand around in a sports bar trying to yell over the noise of the crowd.  It was nice to see people and catch up, but honestly, I would have preferred to stay home and get things done.  The entire day today was so stressful, because I didn't accomplish the tasks I needed to do last night in order to prepare for today.  Ugh!  but ya know what?  It was OK.  Actually, a lot of the things I forgot to do ended up not being needed.  My application packet is submitted, and will be voted on next Monday.  One of the requirements is a minimum annual income, which I wasn't sure I met.  I was trying to figure out how to change it or present it in a sneaky way so that it would be what they wanted, but I realized it was a black-and-white thing.  Either I had the numbers or I didn't.  All I could do was be honest, submit my earnings, and LET GO OF THE RESULTS.  That's what I've been practicing, right?  Well, I did the math, told the truth, and found out that I met that requirement in a legitimate way.  I've done all I can do.  The only thing left to do is pray and wait.  As far as my "to do" list, the things that remain undone are not yet due.  I still have time.  So it is all OK.

I do still struggle with accepting my body as it is.  Events come up, and I get excited about dressing up and showing off, because I have been consistent in my healthy eating and training, but then I realize that I'm not good enough, and that I'll have to work really hard to look acceptable by this weekend.  There's a specific person who I may possibly run into this Saturday who I haven't seen since January.  The last time I saw him he said "The next time I see you, you better be f*#@in'  ripped."  It was an order.  I used to judge my every action based on how he would view it, and I've done a lot of work to defy that way of thinking.  It's really hard, because he and I valued (and still value) a lot of the same things, and he has achieved everything in his career that I strive for.  He always said that being in incredible shape was baseline minimum requirement for our career.  minimum!  There are so many skills we have to perfect in order to even qualify to be good, and he demanded (as I demand of myself) that I be beyond good, beyond great...the best.  I know that I have to do recovery before I can achieve anything like that, but I still feel like I've betrayed him, and a big part of myself by taking so much time away from training.  and I know that it's necessary not just for training, but to heal my injuries, but there are other things I could be doing that wouldn't aggrivate those parts of my body!  aren't I bad for not finding a way to keep training?  better. harder. faster.  I do feel like I've abandoned our goal.  It was a project we were working on together, and I feel like I walked out on us.  I know that's not the reality of the situation, but I feel it, so I had to say it.  Cuz feelings aren't good or bad, right or wrong.  They just ARE.  and I can't deny them, so I'm stating that that's how I feel.  When I went out with friends on Sunday, one of them had run into him recently.  He told me a story about something he said to a guy that really annoys me sometimes.  It was hilarious.  I was laughing so hard, my legs almost crumbled out from under me...but it was hard...hearing about him being so characteristically him.  It reminded me of how much I miss him, and what an incredible opportunity I had when I was training with him.  It's so painful to think about how wonderful it would be to still be there, but I don't have that option anymore, and it's really hard to accept that that's OK, and that it happened for a reason.  I want to believe that it'll turn out better in the long run.  I hope so.  I feel like I'll continue having a hard time living with it until I can see concrete evidence that it did turn out for the best, but there's no sense living in misery until that time.  I can live happily and in the moment if I am just willing to believe that it's all for the best, and just accept how things are.  Sometimes I can, and sometimes it's too hard, but that's just part of the journey I guess.

Wow.  I didn't think I had that much to say, but I'm glad I kept writing.  I didn't think I had anything to say.  It's funny how things just come up when I start writing.  Well now, I'll be sleep deprived again tomorrow, but at least I expressed what I needed to.

I'm a little tired.  I'm having writing withdrawls too!  Just so much has been going on that I haven't had time to organize my thoughts.  I was in the mountains all weekend, and have been rushing all over the place today-training, meetings, errands, groceries, and organizing an application packet for a really prestigous group that I'm pretty invested in.  It was stressful, and I feel like I need a few days to get recentered.  I have a bunch of mail to go through, some bills to pay, and some receipts to file...some RSVPs, and a lot of scheduling.  I just feel so off kilter when I don't have it all laid out in front of me in a pretty hour-by-hour schedule.  Some important appointment could pop up right in front of me, and I'd be completely unprepared.  or I'd miss it completely.  I don't have anything planned for this evening, so hopefully, i'll get some of that taken care of.  I also journaled a lot this weekend about relationships.  The one I'm in...well...we haven't discussed it-what it is or how serious-titles...I was going to ask him his philosophy on dating so that I knew where I stood, but our phones weren't working.  then i realized that I couldn't just depend on him to define the relationship.  I had to figure out what I thought of it, what I wanted, how I felt about him and relationships...I didn't want to know any of it, but I made myself think about it.  I searched within, and found answers...and more questions.  I still haven't had a chance to talk to him about it, so I think that's weighing on me a little, and the desire to control the outcome of my business application that I submitted this morning.  My head's aching.  I am tired.  oh well!  off to class!  later!

Going Home

sigh : )

I feel really good right now.  I feel serene and at peace with the world...happy!  I saw an amazing movie today: August Rush.  The message I got from it was that there is a rhythm to the universe...it comes from within every living thing and the connections between each of us.  Everyone has the ability to hear it, but few actually know how to listen and choose to do it.  Those who do, are alive, awake, and present, and can follow that rhythm to their greatest truest heart's desire.  It was just so heart warming!  and the music was wonderful.  

I still have a lot to process from my trip home last week.  I basically took the week to fly 3000 miles just to visit my family.  No alterier motives, just quality time with Mom, Dad, and a few close friends.  I even refrained from any actual workouts that would take me away from friends and family.  Normally, I would NOT approve of that much time away from training, but it was kinda doctors orders to let my injury heal once and for all.  In my disease....and even just a month ago, I still would have gone to the gym for 4 hours/day, even if those were the only 4 hours my mom was home from work.  I would have done abs, and upper body work, and whatever drills I could make up to avoid aggrivating the injury, but doing so anyway, while staying isolated, and obsessing over food and body.  That's how my last trip home was back in December, when my binge/purge cycle was gettting out of hand.  But this time was different.  I was home for 5 whole days.  My first day home, I went to work with my Dad, and spoke to his middle school students about my super-cool job.  Before program, I would have had to write an outline, script my speech word for word, practice, memorize, and perform it, but this time, I went into their performing arts class with no plan, and was just present.  I spoke for a half hour, answered questions for 15 minutes, and then brought them outside for an activity.  They loved it!  and then he had over 60 kids and teachers sign up to have lunch with me for another hour long question and answer session.  We ran out of time before they got to ask all of their questions, and the wanted my autograph!  It was so cute.  I've gotten soooo much more comfortable addressing a group (even a giant group of 50 kids!) casually.  I can think and talk at the same time, while staying connected to myself and those around me.  I don't think I could do that before program.   I remember stressing in 10th grade, because I had to do a 9 minute presentation in front of my social studies class.  I was petrified!  I practiced til I had it memorized word for word, and was tense as all get out when I presented, but I got an A.  It's so cool that I don't have to do that anymore.  I can just talk. 

That afternoon, I had wanted to go on an adventure with my dad, but I was exhausted.  Instead of convincing myself that "tired" doesn't exist, and then forcing myself to traipse through the woods in the rain, I asked my Dad if we could go home.  I took a nap for 2 hours, and woke up refreshed.  Then I went to the gym, but I didn't really even work out!  I went to visit with my old teammates.  They were 2 of my best friends in high school, and I hadn't seen them since Christmas, so we got to hang out, and catch up while stretching, and yes...I did practice some of my tae kwon do techniques with them, but I was sitting down!  I was only there for about an hour, and then I went home with my Mommy.  We stayed up way too late looking at pictures, and reading detailed progress reports written by my preschool teachers!  That's how most of the trip was.  It took nearly the whole time I was home to recover from exhaustion.  part of it was from the lack of sleep immediately prior to the trip, but I think maybe I was running myself thin (haha no pun intended) before I left.  I normally get 8-9 hours of sleep/night, but this past month, I've averaged 6.  It's been wearing on me.  So I kept wanting to call myself lazy for feeling so tired when I wasn't doing anything, and i felt guilty for eating the same amount of meals when I wasn't doing anything to earn them, but I defied those thoughts.  They entered my mind, and I dismissed them.  I ate according to my meal plan, and did no workouts to make ED more comfortable.  

I was pretty excited about showing my mom how much more considerate and responsible I've gotten in recovery.  I clean up after myself, don't leave things lying around, wash other people's dishes, take out the trash, and help others without being asked...but I found myself less inclined to do these things when I went home.  It bothered me, but this voice in the back of my head kept telling me that this was my realm, I could do what I wanted, and why should I bring my sweat shirt upstairs, when the couch is obviously a much more convenient place to keep it?  I wanted all of my stuff right at my fingertips, and I left stuff out that may have gotten in other peoples way.  Why would I revert back to that type of behavior that used to drive my mom nuts?  Especially when I was so proud to have changed those tendencies?  My revelation of the trip was about my extreme self-centeredness, and how strongly that was supported in my home.  I love my mom.  She's the best person in the world, and she always told me that the world didn't revolve around me...but her actions suggested otherwise.  My brother and I were (and still are) the center of her universe, and between the two of us, I had more activities and commitments, so the entire family adjusted to fit my schedule.  Meals, vacations, and doctors appointments were all planned around my extra curricular activities.  Work schedules were altered for my trip home.  It's amazing and wonderful to have such a loving supportive mother, but we all learn sometime that we actually are NOT the center of the universe.  I grew up only knowing how to be comfortable when I was the center of attention.  If I was one of a group, I didn't know how to interact, and felt like something was wrong.  I would either find a way to become the center of attention, or reject the group all together, and isolate.  That is still my first instinct today whenever I'm placed in a group situation.  I immediately evaluate: am I the leader?  or do I sit back and watch but not participate because I'm not good enough?  Even at OA meetings sometimes!  That's one of the things that I'm in program for-that I think will just keep getting better with time.  Something so deeply ingrained can't be reversed in only 4 months.  It's a life-long journey.