sad

I'm feeling down tonight.  really sad and lonely.  I think it's mostly lonely.  At first I thought it was because I'm always alone-always on my own agenda-never making time for people-destined to be isolated.  And then I thought about how I felt on monday and tuesday.  I had journaled about how happy, fulfilled, and connected I felt.  Last Sunday I spent quality time with new friends, and felt like part of the group.  I'm finding friendship with training partners and coworkers.  The gap between friends (found either in program or thousands of miles away) and work/training/daily life was closing.  I've made friends in my gym, and recruited others who were already friends to join me at my gym.  I'm venturing out on social events with people from work and training.  I've been less lonely this week than ever!  Why would one afternoon and evening alone cause me so much pain?  My mom suggested that I curl up with a good book, and enjoy the night alone.  I can't!  I thought.  I need people!  Part of my recovery is learning to be social, and I got invited to go partying with some really cool really fun people from work that I've been wanting to hang out with.  I want to go, but it's so late!  I don't want to go out at 10 pm.  I don't want to drink.  I'm injured, and shouldn't dance yet.  plus I don't feel like it.  But they invited me, and if I don't go, then I'm failing at recovery.  I'm supposed to be learning to connect with people, and if I say no to them AGAIN, they may not invite me again.  They'll think I don't like them, and I won't get another chance.  My mom reminded me of the reality that I will have another chance, I obviously don't want to go, and if I really want to hang out with them, I can organize something on my own and invite them.  Take initiative.  Good idea Mom.  She's full of them.  I began brain storming.  Who else can I hang out with so that I can still feel loved and fulfilled and successful in recovery...lol...does that sound as compulsive and codependent to you as it does to me?  It's filling one addiction (food and exercise) with another (love and attention).  It's really cool that this time I was able to recognize it (with the help of some motherly advice) for what it was: that same spiritual hole.  I've been so busy and filled up this week with activities, friends, work, and validation that I simply didn't need my higher power.  I relied on all those tempting but unreliable outside sources, and when they faded (as they always do) I was left with a gaping hole where I should have been keeping my higher power.  So tonight I get to reconnect to that.  I took a few short minutes lying outside on a bench looking up at the palm trees against the sky.  I may play my ukulele by the pool later or meditate in a tree in the park on my way home.  But tonight is for me.  Tonight is for my higher power.

and I just made amends to the guy behind the desk at the gym who offered me a smoothie again.  I had snapped at him for asking me twice