Friday, October 10, 2008
hmmm...so according to my food plan, I can eat a meal now, but I'm not hungary yet, and my stomach feels full or bloated or something. That's fine (uncomfortable, but fine), as long as I eat before 4:30. no problem, right? well, I teach a class from 4:00-5:00, so if I don't eat right now, I'm late. I may very well get tired, cranky, and hungary during class, and not be present, but honestly, it's gotten late enough that if I eat now, I'll probably be late. hmmm. it is a dilemma, because as a compulsive overeater, I don't think it's smart or healthy to eat when i'm clearly not hungary, but if I go too long, I will feel that addiction for starving. I can't just abandon my other obligations either. I don't know if I'm really legitimately full, or if it's my head just telling my I'm fat, but this time I think I'm truly full. This may or may not be a good idea, but I'm going to practice intuitive eating, and listening to my body. I may or may not be ready, but we'll consider this an experiment. I'm being accountable. I will bring my dinner with me, and eat after class. I will be a half hour late, and it is somewhat premeditated. but I'm being honest with myself and others, and paying attention to my body's signals. I'll let ya know how it goes.
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lol...so like 10 minutes later, I packed my salad, decided I should eat something, and compulsively snacked on my coconut spread straight from the jar. I thought I'd have just a taste, but had several spoonfuls. it was enough to qualify as a legitimate large snack. "great!" I thought "now I've messed up my food plan. When i have my salad after class, it will have been less than 2 hrs!" I decided to let it go and not beat myself up about it. Move on, and do better. When class finished, I realized that I only had to wait 45 minutes to eat my salad, and still be in my food plan...and since i had had that snack, I wasn't hungary! It was great. I had other things to do anyway, so I got that stuff done, and then had salad right in the middle of my healthy time range.
then of course there was the guy at the juice bar who was determined to share his smoothie with me. He's a really nice friendly guy, and I've shared with him before about my eating disorder and how serious it is, but he keeps offering me food, and checking multiple times "are you sure you don't want some? it's delicious..." He's also shared how he's big on being hospitable, and loves cooking for people and sharing. Every time I have my healthy meals there, he comes over and asks "Whatcha eatin' on?!" I don't want to talk about it! Discussing food with him for some reason makes me extremely uncomfortable. Maybe it's because he associates food with things like love, friendship, family, and human connection, sharing, caring, generosity, and fun, where as I associate food with terror, misery, loss of control, crumbling of dreams, self destruction, failure, isolation...When people offer me food that's not specifically penciled into my food plan, I feel like they're attacking me, and when they ask about something I'm eating, I guess I feel like they caught me in the act of willingly destroying myself.
{How dare they suggest that I'm eating something that tastes good for the purpose of enjoyment. Don't they know that only leads to destruction and pain? I'm eating this because I'm supposed to. I don't care what I'm eating, as long as it makes me good.}...Does that sound like me, or ED? yeah. i know. I wonder if I should make affirmation flash cards for that type of situation to help me rewire that pattern of thought. Ummm...someone remind me to do that.
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