Going Home

sigh : )

I feel really good right now.  I feel serene and at peace with the world...happy!  I saw an amazing movie today: August Rush.  The message I got from it was that there is a rhythm to the universe...it comes from within every living thing and the connections between each of us.  Everyone has the ability to hear it, but few actually know how to listen and choose to do it.  Those who do, are alive, awake, and present, and can follow that rhythm to their greatest truest heart's desire.  It was just so heart warming!  and the music was wonderful.  

I still have a lot to process from my trip home last week.  I basically took the week to fly 3000 miles just to visit my family.  No alterier motives, just quality time with Mom, Dad, and a few close friends.  I even refrained from any actual workouts that would take me away from friends and family.  Normally, I would NOT approve of that much time away from training, but it was kinda doctors orders to let my injury heal once and for all.  In my disease....and even just a month ago, I still would have gone to the gym for 4 hours/day, even if those were the only 4 hours my mom was home from work.  I would have done abs, and upper body work, and whatever drills I could make up to avoid aggrivating the injury, but doing so anyway, while staying isolated, and obsessing over food and body.  That's how my last trip home was back in December, when my binge/purge cycle was gettting out of hand.  But this time was different.  I was home for 5 whole days.  My first day home, I went to work with my Dad, and spoke to his middle school students about my super-cool job.  Before program, I would have had to write an outline, script my speech word for word, practice, memorize, and perform it, but this time, I went into their performing arts class with no plan, and was just present.  I spoke for a half hour, answered questions for 15 minutes, and then brought them outside for an activity.  They loved it!  and then he had over 60 kids and teachers sign up to have lunch with me for another hour long question and answer session.  We ran out of time before they got to ask all of their questions, and the wanted my autograph!  It was so cute.  I've gotten soooo much more comfortable addressing a group (even a giant group of 50 kids!) casually.  I can think and talk at the same time, while staying connected to myself and those around me.  I don't think I could do that before program.   I remember stressing in 10th grade, because I had to do a 9 minute presentation in front of my social studies class.  I was petrified!  I practiced til I had it memorized word for word, and was tense as all get out when I presented, but I got an A.  It's so cool that I don't have to do that anymore.  I can just talk. 

That afternoon, I had wanted to go on an adventure with my dad, but I was exhausted.  Instead of convincing myself that "tired" doesn't exist, and then forcing myself to traipse through the woods in the rain, I asked my Dad if we could go home.  I took a nap for 2 hours, and woke up refreshed.  Then I went to the gym, but I didn't really even work out!  I went to visit with my old teammates.  They were 2 of my best friends in high school, and I hadn't seen them since Christmas, so we got to hang out, and catch up while stretching, and yes...I did practice some of my tae kwon do techniques with them, but I was sitting down!  I was only there for about an hour, and then I went home with my Mommy.  We stayed up way too late looking at pictures, and reading detailed progress reports written by my preschool teachers!  That's how most of the trip was.  It took nearly the whole time I was home to recover from exhaustion.  part of it was from the lack of sleep immediately prior to the trip, but I think maybe I was running myself thin (haha no pun intended) before I left.  I normally get 8-9 hours of sleep/night, but this past month, I've averaged 6.  It's been wearing on me.  So I kept wanting to call myself lazy for feeling so tired when I wasn't doing anything, and i felt guilty for eating the same amount of meals when I wasn't doing anything to earn them, but I defied those thoughts.  They entered my mind, and I dismissed them.  I ate according to my meal plan, and did no workouts to make ED more comfortable.  

I was pretty excited about showing my mom how much more considerate and responsible I've gotten in recovery.  I clean up after myself, don't leave things lying around, wash other people's dishes, take out the trash, and help others without being asked...but I found myself less inclined to do these things when I went home.  It bothered me, but this voice in the back of my head kept telling me that this was my realm, I could do what I wanted, and why should I bring my sweat shirt upstairs, when the couch is obviously a much more convenient place to keep it?  I wanted all of my stuff right at my fingertips, and I left stuff out that may have gotten in other peoples way.  Why would I revert back to that type of behavior that used to drive my mom nuts?  Especially when I was so proud to have changed those tendencies?  My revelation of the trip was about my extreme self-centeredness, and how strongly that was supported in my home.  I love my mom.  She's the best person in the world, and she always told me that the world didn't revolve around me...but her actions suggested otherwise.  My brother and I were (and still are) the center of her universe, and between the two of us, I had more activities and commitments, so the entire family adjusted to fit my schedule.  Meals, vacations, and doctors appointments were all planned around my extra curricular activities.  Work schedules were altered for my trip home.  It's amazing and wonderful to have such a loving supportive mother, but we all learn sometime that we actually are NOT the center of the universe.  I grew up only knowing how to be comfortable when I was the center of attention.  If I was one of a group, I didn't know how to interact, and felt like something was wrong.  I would either find a way to become the center of attention, or reject the group all together, and isolate.  That is still my first instinct today whenever I'm placed in a group situation.  I immediately evaluate: am I the leader?  or do I sit back and watch but not participate because I'm not good enough?  Even at OA meetings sometimes!  That's one of the things that I'm in program for-that I think will just keep getting better with time.  Something so deeply ingrained can't be reversed in only 4 months.  It's a life-long journey.