Compulsive overeater

When I went into treatment, I was not happy to hear about the "success" people were having with trying new foods.  Desserts, sauces, and rich dishes which had been forbidden for years were no longer a cause for stress.  This horrified me.  I had lots of forbidden foods because they were BAD!!!  I was terrified of them, and I wanted those foods to die a miserable, tortured death, and never bother me again.  I was in recovery to avoid those foods, not to learn to be OK with eating them.  They weren't OK!

And as I've grown in the program, I've seen how damaging it can be to have such an unhealthy fear of something as simple as food.  When I allowed myself to eat bread, it took the power away from it, and I lost interest in bread.  I eat it sometimes, but not all that frequently.  I've been practicing not beating myself up for imperfect food choices, and protecting my right to choose the foods I want...

But as usual, ED has found a way to take advantage of this.  I'm realizing again how much I am a compulsive overeater.  I choose a food that I know I tend to eat compulsively, and insist that it's OK, because it fits into my food plan.  I then think better of it, because I know how compulsive it is, and that it's not all that healthy, but then ED snaps back with you want this!  If you deprive yourself of it, that's such eating disorder behavior!  If you want to recover, you pretty much have to eat this.  Go ahead.  Enjoy it.  And I've been listening.  I've found that I stopped eating to nourish my body.  That generally happens as a side effect, because I have a great food plan, but my intention each time I eat is to control or satisfy my cravings.  If you don't eat exactly what you want, you're going to have an out of control binge later.  or If you don't put enough on your plate, you'll be tempted to go for seconds, and break your food plan.  Better make sure there's enough on that plate before you start.  But don't force yourself to stop eating before the plate's empty.  Just because your full, doesn't mean you have to be deprived of the rest of your meal.  It's not that much more anyway.  It would be obsessive to force yourself to leave just 3 bites.  Go ahead and finish it.  It's all crap.  I think I just have to look at my eating behavior more as a compulsive eater than an anorexic, because that's been the consistent tendency throughout my life.  My foodplan prevents either from spiraling out of control, but the compulsive eating is the one that must be dealt with now.