Venting

i hate holidays.  i'm mad at the clock for moving too fast and at the world for being late...at m. u. for probably wanting me to be at the gym at 7 am, but for not being clear, so i don't know, but I have to be there just in case, and I may get there, and find out that I didn't have to get up at all and I could have been sleeping, and i'm mad at the other people who won't show up which leaves me alone with my weirdo pervert "coach", who will probably decide to have an easy workout day, which makes it seem even more pointless to be there, or he'll make it hard, and I'll be tired so I'll get injured...again!  and I hate stupid parties.  I knew i didn't want to go, but i didn't want to go home or out to dinner, or anything.  I'd gone way too long without a meal, and felt like doing nothing but curling up in a little ball and crying, so I stood alone outside getting colder and colder waiting to have a decision fall in my lap, so I let some stupid arrogant guy convince me to come hang out with his perfectly nice friends, who I refused to connect with, while I ate the low grade, poorly cooked steaks that weren't worth their crummy calories.  I played a retarded game of connect 4, and right after I got cocky and made a huge deal of how he couldn't possibly win, I lost.  Now i'm up too late.  and i have a head ache.  and he kept making stupid comments about how he would lose focus every time I looked at him, because he'd get lost in my eyes or something, and I DON'T WANT HIM TO LIKE ME THAT WAY!!!  I know I obviously have no control over that, but I don't know how to deal with so many awkward compliments, and I HATE dealing with someone else's feelings.  when we have a normal conversation, I feel like he's exactly what i need in my life right now as a friend.  I really need a friend like him, but i don't think he's ever going to be ok with just being a friend, and I'm not ok with that.  his physicality revolts me, and right now, so does his arrogance.  I just want to push him away.  I'll have to process more of this tomorrow, but right now, I'm irrationally mad.  what can you expect when I'm tired and my meal schedule has been so screwey?  oh well.  I'm just praying for God to reveal whatever lessons I was meant to gain from this evening.  ugh.  and I hate that he offers so much help and support that I can't return in the same way, and refuse to return in other ways.  I didn't want to open up to him tonight, because he was offering me more support that I would currently be willing to offer him, and I don't like having a debt that is higher that what I'm willing to pay.  it makes me very uncomfortable.

Tuesday Night Magic

I finally figured out what's so magical about my tuesday night meetings.

Per World Service Guidelines, most OA meetings follow a pretty similar format.  They present similar literature.  People share on similar topics for the same amount of time.  We have the same problems and are seeking the same solution.  "At our very first meeting, we learned that we were in the clutches of a dangerous disease..." ; we hear other people tell our own stories over and over.  And I really can hear so many of my own inner thoughts and feelings in other peoples' shares.  How is it then, that the meetings in Orange County (especially Tuesday nights) can be so exponentially more touching and inspirational?  I've been puzzling over it for almost 6 months now, but tonight it hit me.  CT was sharing...but not about herself.  She had seen such a remarkable change in another member who had just shared, that she had to express it.  She had comforting and congratulatory words for several of the people in the room.  It was a small group, and we all know eachother...even the week old newcomer.  She of course had welcoming words for her.  And not just "welcome to the newcomer."  It was very personalized to both the speaker and the recipient.  What struck me about this share was how deeply intertwined her life was with us.  Our successes and failures meant something to her.  She didn't have generic words of advice.  She heard specifics, related personally to them, learned from them, applied them in her own life, shared that personal experience, and genuinely cared.  I'm sure she has plenty going on in her own life.  She shared a little about that too, but she was so present - so in the moment, that what was going on in the room with us was just what was on her mind when it was her time to share.  Is this cross-talk?  technically... yeah.  probably.  But as the next meeting progressed, and it continued on a larger scale, I began to see how huge its impact was.  We got to hear one Ctln's story through her eyes, but what woman can clearly see the full extent of her own strength and progress?  We're all hard on ourselves, and sometimes can't see just how far we've come.  We got to hear from at least 5 other people not only how much Ctln had grown, but how her growth had touched and inspired them.  Ctln got to see that people care greatly for her, and that she has a huge impact on their lives.  We all celebrated CJ's 1st birthday, and Ax shared that one little statement CJ had made many months ago was now written on her own mirror in big letters.  Kts noticed little subtleties like the absence of a nervous or angry gesture that used to be common place for CJ.  CJ hadn't even noticed that herself.  How amazing to see that people care for you enough to notice these little things?  New comers got to see what it means to have true supportive friends and to love and be loved.  The magic is that we're not just recovering from the same problem with the same goal...at other meetings, we're each trying to recover in the same place at the same time, but on Tuesday nights in Costa Mesa, we're recovering together.  It's a team effort.  

Friends

Writing before bed feels good.  I'm really excited about my new friend at the gym.  We clicked instantly, and even though we've only know each other for about 3 weeks, we talk with the honesty of ...i dunno.  like we've known each other forever.  We share a lot of moral and philosophical ideas, and are actively working towards the same primary goal of constant presence and living life to the fullest in the moment.  It's so cool talking with him and watching him interact with other people.  We both have naturally picked up on different aspects of this common goal, and we discuss, and learn from each other's example.  He has an amazing ability to find something interesting and meaningful to talk about with every flippin' person who crosses his path.  It amazes me.  Spending time with him is just so fulfilling, and I'm so grateful to have him as a friend.  We have a connection I've shared with only a few close friends and people I've met in program.  Having a few close friends like that in my life who I see and talk to on a regular basis...who know and care what's going on in my life and how I'm dealing with it...who I find interesting and want to know more about, and who I can share fun experiences with...having that gives me such a sense of comfort and security.  It's the feeling that was missing whenever I felt compelled to binge.  Compulsive overeating is like an emptiness that can only be filled with love, but we keep trying to stuff it with food.  Being able to recognize that, and then feel that void being filled with what it was meant to be filled with is the most amazing feeling.  It's times like this that I have to take special note of what it means to me to have friends and a social life of sorts.  Because I've written before on how much I resent the very idea of a social life.  But in reality, it's different for me.  It means having friends who are there for me, and who I'm willing to be there and sacrifice for.  It means having people to talk to, listen to, learn from, share experiences and adventures with.  People who lift you up when you're down, tell you jokes, inspire you, explore, create, play games, share dreams and goals...

whenever I get close to a new friend and have that feeling of fulfillment, I realize how wonderful and worthwhile it is.  whenever i have and excess of down time, and no one to spend it with...no one to talk to... when I realize that i've gotten so busy, and neglected my friendships, and that I have no one really in my life, I'm suddenly struck by a horrible emptiness, and no concept of how to seek out what I need.  It's really hard for me to make such a constant effort to make and keep friends in my life.  I've spent so long prioritizing achievement and activities over people, that it's hard to make that change, but it's so important.  It's especially hard right now since I've got the nazi instructor validating all (or many) of my old ideals, and scolding me for being slow, weak, lazy, not working hard enough, not caring enough, for not dedicating my life to my training... in a way, it's good to see such a dramatic example of where I could have ended up at age 74 if I kept on the road I was on before recovery...actually he's probably a lot better off than I would have been, but it shows me how even if I could have found ultimate success in athletics and career through using my eating disorder, I would have still wound up a miserable lonely human being driven by compulsions for the the rest of my life.  He's a constant reminder of why I must keep working the program, and not just go back to constant over training.  Although that means I constantly get yelled at, and yes ... he yells visciously ... that just means I get to practice filtering the positive and useful statements out of his unhelpful tone.  It's a major growth opportunity for me.  It amazes me too, how he can have so much wisdom (as demonstrated by the ideas in his book), and yet be so incredibly rigid, closed minded, unyielding, uncompromising... it's his way or the highway.  i guess i need to talk more about that later, but i need to get to sleep.  gotta train with him in 8 hours, and i'd prefer not to be sleepy ; )  good night!

Rational Food Choices

I have a head ache.  I'm wondering if I've been consuming too much artificial sweetener.  I don't use packets of it anymore.  I've converted entirely to stevia, which by the way has just been approved by the FDA!  But I've been drinking a lot of these zero calorie drinks..."sparkling ice", "vita rain", "slenderize", and stuff like that with sucralose.  I've also been chewing sugar free gum a little compulsively.  And this morning I had caffeine free tea with that sugar free french vanilla creamer that I used to be totally addicted to.  OK.  I had 2 cups of it.  I'm not beating myself up over this.  I just think it's worth taking note of.  I've been feeling pretty aware of how certain substances affect my body recently.  That's new.  It used to be all about what's good and bad.  What's got lots of fat or carbs or calories vs. what's OK.  But now I'm more able to let go of those judgements, and feel how they affect me physically.  I still don't have a really clear sense of which things make me feel certain ways...like if I eat a meal, I can usually recognize shortly afterwards whether it made me feel better or worse.  Now that I'm eating healthy quantities when I'm hungary and stopping when I'm full, it's no longer a struggle to figure out if I ate too much or too little.  I pretty much eat the amount that I need...mostly.  So whereas before, my stomach usually felt yucky after every meal, because I had been starving up until the point that I overate and stuffed myself, now, I feel good after most meals.  And if my stomach hurts, it's not cuz i ate too much, it's usually because something didn't agree with me.  In many of these cases, it turns out to be something that my doctor confirms I have a slight allergy to.  Even if I have a small or normal sized portion of milk, peanuts, or soy, my stomach will feel full, bloated, and gassy.  If I eat steak or beef, my burps taste like hot dogs, and it grosses me out.  Most of the time, I decide that the unpleasant burps are not worth the enjoyable taste, but every now and then it seems worth it.  Caffeine is weird.  When I have it, my stomach doesn't bulge out or anything, but it feels like it's too big for its container, and I have to push it outward to make room for it otherwise it cramps.  The more caffeine I have, the worse it is.  One breakfast tea isn't that bad, but it's enough to notice.  Actual coffee is significantly worse.  So I'm not sure, but I think there's something about breaded...things that doesn't agree with me.  My stomach doesn't feel right after I have fish nuggets or chicken tenders.  yesterday,  I had a "crispy chicken salad", and was feeling it through this morning.  I wasn't really sure if that was what it was.  Sometimes I know it was something in the meal, but was it the bread or the cheese?  A few days ago, I had some cheese fondue and artichoke dip, which also has cheese.  Could it have been the high quantity of cheese that was upsetting my stomach?  or was it the msg in the chinese food I had for dinner?  I think it takes a while to tell, but the important thing is that I'm listening to my body.  I'm feeling it out.  And when I get answers, I don't make rules about it.  I evaluate on a time by time basis whether the benefit is worth the cost.  I feel rational about the decision.  It's cool.  but i still have a headache!  I guess next time I want a drink with artificial sweetener, I'll think about that.  I'm not saying I can't have it again...but is the taste worth the headache...and the side effects of sucralose which researchers have sited as "intense food cravings and depression."  Luckily I'm not feeling those right now, but I certainly did when I was consuming mass quantities of splenda every day!  coincidence?  I think not!

Turbulance

I feel borderline miserable right now.  maybe that's not the right word...tumultuous?  And I don't really want it to pass.  Sure, I could curl up in bed and cry it out, but I don't want it to just go away.  I feel like I have so many confusing thoughts and emotions churning through me, and they're just going to keep bursting out of me incoherently until I organize them and figure them out.  I know...emotions don't necessarily have to be "figured out", but this feels like it does.  Maybe that's just my screwey instincts, but I'm at least going to attempt it.  if it works, great.  my instincts were right.  and if I run in circles confusing myself, then I guess I will have learned through my own experience that emotions don't have to be figured out.

It all comes back to surrender.  It's always a hard concept to adopt.  Who wants to give up their right to control their lives and the universe?  I guess the key is that we never had control to begin with.  We're just giving up the illusion.  But what about the things we DO have control over?  Because we do have the power to make decisions - to say specific things, take certain actions... And what if someone older and more experienced is willing to guide you in those choices - to teach and direct - to point out errors in thought - concepts you've been missing - to give you what you need, rather than what you want - to make you do the things you've been putting off that will make you a better person.  Are they more able to direct your life than you are yourself?  Do they really know better?  Even if they are all knowing (which obviously they're not.  no one's perfect, but they may have much more time and experience than you) , then is it ever wise to hand over responsibility of your life to another person?  I guess I'm putting this too much into terms of absolutes, and maybe it's a good idea as a temporary arrangement in just one aspect of life: the physical exercise that he is teaching me - the training he's been doing successfully for 64 years, has won like 7 world championships at, and has trained 25 other world champions.  The results speak for themselves.  He obviously know more than I do, and can teach me far more than I can learn by making it up myself, but he doesn't want me to turn over ONLY my training and exercise to him.  He wants me to learn the way he did.  He called his coach "master", and literally turned his will and life over to him.  His entire purpose in life was to carry out his master's wishes.  I'm totally not into that.  My higher power is NOT another human being.  I tried that already, and I'm still not 100% over it.  I'm just too willful to let some other human being determine my destiny.  And there's the dicotomy that I'm struggling with.  It's certainly true that no human can be my higher power, but isn't my willfulness the very core of my problem?  the whole reason I'm in program?  And doesn't God put certain people in our lives at the right time to teach us the things we need to learn?  When I latch onto certain words that he uses, and shut down, I get angry and frustrated, but when I can listen with an open mind, I see how much is to be gained by surrendering.  Like today:  I was crying my eyes out, because he kept yelling at me (and now that I think about it, he wasn't really yelling that much.  it was more like reprimanding and lecturing).  He would give me a correction that I didn't understand; I'd try to ask a question, but get yelled at for opening my mouth; I would execute the wrong move, because I didn't know what he wanted me to do; and then he would yell at me for not trusting him, and for holding onto my own ways.  "Your way is wrong, but you keep clinging to it because it's comfortable.  When are you going to let go?  When are you going to understand that I know how to fix you, and trust?"  I knew that!  I know I'm doing it wrong!  It's NOT comfortable.  I totally trust that he knows what he's talking about, I just don't know what the heck he's saying!  and sometimes when I do understand, my body just doesn't make the connection, and I can't execute it yet.  I get frustrated and cry because HE doesn't understand.  ...but maybe he does.  we talked a little afterwards, and he said he understood that.  "Sometimes you don't understand, so you can't do what I ask, but sometimes you DO understand, and still can't do it.  Sometimes you DON'T understand, but you do it right anyway by accident.  You just have to do what I say.  Feel it.  Right now, you don't know the right way when you do it.  We have to try lots of ways until you get it right, and I'm here to tell you when you DO get it right, so you can learn that feeling, and replicate it."  When I think about it in the moment, I get mad, because I feel like his approach to teaching is inefficient and wastes time.  I don't learn well this way, and we could get so much more done if he taught me the way I want to be taught.  But what if I think of this as life training?  If someone is willing to teach me, is it not their right to teach me in their own way?  And whether it's right or not, if someone's been doing something the same way for 64 years, do you really think they're going to change it for me?  Acceptance.  Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.  Certain things are going to happen that I can't control.  I can beat my head against the wall trying to make him do things my way, but that's really not going to get me anywhere.  I can leave because I don't want to put up with his methods.  Or... I can surrender my preconcieved notions of how things should be done, and try accepting the way they are being done.  He seems pretty certain that his way works, and honestly, he has some pretty convincing evidence to back it up.  Just because I don't like the way someone tells me something, doesn't mean I can't hear and apply what they're telling me.  If someone tells me in a rude and derogatory manner that the building is on fire and I must get outside immediately, would I disregard their warning because I didn't like their attitude?  No.  I would set aside the tone and the insults, and hear the message: The building is on fire.  Get out.  If I am unable to hear the essence of the message due to my own mental blocks, that is my fault as a person.  This is not to say that he has no faults in his method.  Nor am I tearing myself down for being unable to filter out the information effectively.  I'm just recognizing my potential for growth in that area.  The truth is that I have a lot to gain from this arrangement, but there are some practical reasons to keep my reservations.  I've only processed one side of this, and I'll have to come back to the other side later.  Or better yet, I could find my way onto the middle road! 

Mad hurts

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!  I am soooo mad right now.  So mad and frustrated, AND my stomach hurts.  Someone told me last week that bulimia is the addiction she associates most with anger, and had never really felt that way.  During my bulimia, I was never in touch with my feelings enough to make that connection, but right now, I can feel it.  The combination of raging emotions, hiccups, and upset stomach makes buried parts of me scream for bulimia.  It's not like I'm going to throw up...I can't say I wouldn't be happy if it happened by accident, but I wouldn't even consider forcing it at this point.  But I do have to release the pressure some way, and I choose writing.  

I'm really frustrated with my current situation.  It's the same one that's been bothering me on and off since I left treatment: the fact that all of my favorite meetings are in orange county an hour away from my house, job, and gym.  and I don't have a car.  The reason it's coming up for me right now is because I've been trying for months and months to find friends here to carpool to my favorite tuesday meetings, and every now and then i find someone who is willing to consider it, but no one ever does.  I knew today would be the same, but I had no idea how I was going to make it work.  I considered a complex web of busses and hitching rides from multiple friends for different legs of the trip, but one girl here said she would be glad to try those meetings with me.  I was over joyed.  I could stop calling everyone in my phone book, and rest assured that I would get to both meetings and the party afterwards.  She called me 5 minutes before she was supposed to pick me up to say that she was too tired to go tonight.  (If you read this, please understand it's the situation-not you-that I'm mad at.)  We have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others, and I don't want anyone to take multiple hours out of their day just to drive me around if it's somewhere they don't want to go!  Ugh.  but I'm so frustrated that I can't go, and I have no idea how I'm going to get to the party afterwards.  If I leave now, I can still make it, but it's so cold, and I don't want to have to ride my motorcycle home at midnight when I can get a ride home with someone from the party, and I'm too emotional to be riding anywhere right now.  I hate when I do this.  I get so preoccupied or emotional that I can't breath right.  Tears fill up my eyes and I gasp for breath.  My chest just heaves like it's going to explode and a little girl keeps screaming "it's not fair!!!!"  I just can't focus on anything.  I just feel like I can't ever count on anyone.  ever.  Everyone always flakes out on everything.  and that's why i have to be able to do everything by myself and always be miserable and alone, and yes I'm over dramatizing, but I hate the world right now and I'm venting, so leave me alone!  ...lol...

I discovered a really quick way to get over things that are upsetting me when i was in NYC a few weeks ago.  I kinda made it up.  If I quickly vent all of my complaints in the most extremely overdramatic way possible, blaming all external sources, and playing the victim, I am able to hear how silly and childish I'm being.  When I try to hold it in, it all feels huge and insurmountable, but when I say it all out loud, making it all sound as bad as possible, I realize that even when I try to make it all sound worse than it is, it's still not all that bad.  then I can move on.  I'm actually kinda over it, and maybe even ready to find a new solution.

Live in the Moment

I just got a little overwhelmed. It's kinda funny. I was away for a while, and came back to realize how bored out of my mind I was with my daily routine. I realized how meaningless my life felt when all I'm doing is recovering (from eating disorders AND physical injuries), and waiting around for a job. I felt like I should be out there looking for work, but I just didn't feel up to it, and I could hardly keep up with my program stuff, so I didn't, and I felt awful about it. What could I do? I prayed... I prayed to accept myself and love myself as I am. I prayed for health and willingness to do whatever it took to get it. I prayed for a solution to my financial trouble in whatever form it may come. I prayed for the willingness to keep working my program, to go to meetings, to take care of myself, and express my needs, to be present, and assert myself, and to be authentically me. Last week, my prayers from months earlier (to be relieved of food obsession) were removed. I mustered up the willingness to ask my parents to send me some money to tide me over, with no idea of when I would be bringing in money again, but they sent everything I asked for, and I was taken care of for the time being. This week, I got hired for a day of work. That's big. It may be only a day, but it's the kind of thing where if I do it well, I'll be in front of all the right people to be working A LOT very soon. So that's great, right? Well, as long as I do it well, and don't get hurt. I've spent a long time trying to heal, and it would be devastating to mess it up now. Not to mention how bad it would make me look. Last night when my friend asked me to submit a picture for the job, I sent it in with some hesitation. I will have to run full speed, perform a trick I haven't done in 8 years, and crash. and do it again multiple times...possibly all day. That's basically my specialty, but can my injury take it? Well, after I sent in my info, I prayed. I trusted (and am trying to continue to trust) that God DOES have my best interests in mind. "If this is something that I can physically handle, and am ready for, please bring the opportunity to me, and if it's something I can't manage without breaking myself, please let this job fall into the capable hands of the person it is meant for." The choice of who this job went to was clearly out of my hands, and no amount of obsessing or finagling on my part could force the job to come to me. This prayer gave me that freedom from worrying about trying to get the job, and it helps a good bit now that I have the job...but doubt and fear have crept in a little. Actually now that I say that it seems a little silly. I know that I'm going to do the job to the best of my ability...yeah. I thought about that for a minute, and there's no way I'm turning down the job, nor will I even consider the idea of doing it halfway. So there's no point in worrying about if I should or shouldn't do it. There is no should or shouldn't. I'm going to do it and go all out, unless some strange twist of fate stops me, in which case, I'm obviously not meant to be there. Unfortunately, this doesn't mean that if I do it, I won't get hurt. It's entirely possible that I will, and to some extent, that's out of my hands, so there's no need to worry about that either. I will have 2 hours to practice tomorrow, and prepare as well as I can. ooh! I can look up some videos tonight to get some ideas, and visualize tonight! that's a good idea. That way I will be as prepared as possible.
Now, there's only one more aspect to consider...A person who might be there. Her name was mentioned, and she's the only person I know of who actually hates me. I have so much fear about seeing and interacting with her. I still need to do a lot of writing and talking on that topic to clear my mind about it. I can't control the way she feels about me. All I have to do is let go of the past, and live in the present. Yeah-of course, easier said than done. But If I can just figure out this one part, it will simplify things a lot...not just in this situation, but in every relationship I ever have. I know I hurt her, but I've done everything in my power to make amends. Just because I can't fix the situation doesn't mean I have to carry it with me all of the time. I'm afraid that if I am happy and friendly with her as if nothing ever happened, she will be mad that I don't feel bad enough for what I've done. but moping around with my tail between my legs doesn't do her any good, and it certainly doesn't help me! It is NOT my responsibility to demonstrate how guilty I feel about my mistake 24 hours/day so that she knows how much I regret hurting her. The problem is that I keep thinking I AM responsible for making her feel better. I have to accept that I really don't have any control over how she feels. Going over and over what behavior will help her accept me most is not the answer. The answer is to make the amends (which I did to the best of my ability), and then letting go of the past: living in the present. This idea is terrifying to me. It means not hiding from her if she's there. I just really don't know how she'll behave, but I guess being present allows me to adapt to that in the moment. If we come face to face, I will be polite, upbeat, and friendly. If she is withdrawn, and avoids me, I can accept that in the moment, she doesn't want to interact with me. That doesn't mean I ignore her...I think it just means that I stay out of her way, and devote more of my attention to other people. My roommates seem to do a good job of this. I've always felt like I have to carry negative feelings and events with me. If you yelled at me last time I saw you, I must behave as if you're yelling at me now. this simply isn't true. My roommate and I had a tense moment last night, and when I saw him this morning, i sorta tiptoed around him, thinking that the tension was still there. He greeted me with a tired but friendly good morning as if nothing had happened. It's not that he'd forgotten, it's just that he didn't carry it with him as I had. I immediately let it go, and the mood lifted. It's such a cool concept- living in the moment. I think I'm ready for this. : ) God's amazing... the way you get exactly what you can handle just when you're ready to take it on.

Christmas Cookies

You won't believe what I just did! I went to a cookie making party. I was soooooooooooo scared. SO scared. I don't eat sugar. I stress out if my bran muffin has too much sugar in it. What if I accidentaly lick frosting off my finger? what if they notice I'm not eating cookies and try to shove one in my mouth? What if I have no one to talk to and feel awkward and uncomfortable the whole time, and then give up and eat a cookie, begin a binge, and relapse for the next 10 years? I was about to cry about it, but I've been avoiding things like this for 5 years, and I don't know how I could honestly say I'm recovering if I continued to stifle my social life by refusing to be in the same room with holiday food. So I went. I didn't think I'd really know anyone that well, and didn't have the energy to be super outgoing and social. I've been emotionally drained, and couldn't handle something as demanding as delving into connecting with new people. Not today. I do well when I have an activity to do, so I figured that if I put all of my focus and energy into creating beautiful works of art on these cookies, I could forget that they were food. It worked. Everyone was pretty into it, and my cookies were unanimously voted the best. lol. they were somewhat good conversation starters. I was a little too busy detailing the wings of my angel and antlers of my reindeer to engage in much conversation, but I didn't really feel left out. In fact, I was pretty comfortable, and didn't want to leave. They were really nice people, and I really enjoyed spending time with them. I got that same warm feeling that I experienced last week when I went home to visit family. Which is impressive since I feel like I have so little that I can talk about. I feel like I have so much to hide. They were all friends from work, so I can't really share about my eating disorder, recovery from which has occupied most of my time for the past 7 months. How do you answer the question "what have you been up to?" When I leave recovery out of it, it sounds like so little. I feel like a bum, and I hate talking around it. I used to have so many new activities and skills that I was working on. That's all I would talk about, and it made me sound so talented and motivated...and boring. I hadn't really thought about that before, but it is kinda surface talk, like the weather. I wonder if people got bored of hearing about nothing but skills. I get reminded over and over of WHY I'm going through this extended period of physical and emotional...ok AND spiritual recovery. It's important for me to know how to talk about more than just tricks and the physical things I'm doing. I need to get more adept at askin people about THEIR lives. It's not that I don't want to know. I just feel awkward asking! This is the time for me to learn. It's like I've been backed into a corner where the only topic I'm comfortable discussing has been removed. I can either run away and hide until my topic comes back (I tried that and it didn't work), or I can learn how to talk about a wider variety of things without having someone else to steer the conversation. I need to learn to lead a conversation. to ask questions.
I was scared to come home after. The let down of going from a fun loving house full of people and games to a dreary empty apartment on a saturday night without even my computer to entertain me was a frightening prospect. I'm borrowing my roommate's computer now. but my other roommate are going to see Twilight! I've been wanting to see that forever! It's such a fun normal way to spend an evening, and right now, i'm really glad we're going.

I've said before how I can't understand why my instructor can exercise compulsively for 69 years, and it works for him, but I do it, and I crumble. I thought he was just stronger and more stubborn, but the intent is different. I finally heard it last night. The difference is which part of it we're addicted to. I am addicted to making progress - getting better - improving. This can be in the form of losing weight, getting stronger, faster, more flexible, learning new tricks...as long as I can see that I'm getting better, and have quantifiable proof that I am increasing my worth. Not healthy. Good goals, but not a good thing to have your entire self worth centered in. You can't get better ALL of the time. It's a roller coaster, up and down, and what happens when I get old? Am I going to give up and be miserable once I've passed my prime and begin the downward slope? What about when I'm AT my prime, and can do amazing things, and I'm stronger and faster than I've ever been. Will I be incapable of enjoying it simply because I'm at a plateau? Because there will come a point in my life where I may not be getting better...at least not physically. How can he do it? He's 74, and he trains everyday as obsessively as I do...maybe even more. But he's not subject to the same frustration that cripples my workouts. I get devastated, and sometimes give up because I'm so much "worse" than I used to be, and can't handle the self-inflicted mental abuse. He reached his prime over 30 years ago, and his physical ability is declining, but he loves it. He still loves it. I think it's because he loves the feeling of pushing himself, of feeling the stretch and the burn, the endorphines. No matter what age or fitness level you're at, you're always capable of pushing yourself and feeling that high. Sports and exercise are for keeping you healthy and making you feel good. Not for punishing yourself and perfectionism. I love the endorphines and the games, but I'm addicted to the abuse and validation.

Home is Serenity

It's hard to believe I haven't been to a meeting in a whole week.  It's weird, but I don't feel crazy either.  I'm coming home tomorrow, but in a lot of ways, here feels more like home.  I'm a visitor in someone else's home, but this apartment that i've spent probably a total of 10 days in feels more like any place I've lived in years.  Maybe that's why I don't feel crazy yet.  I guess my eating disorder didn't really manifest until I first moved away from home 6 years ago, and it really took over when I isolated myself from human connections.  This isn't even technically my family's home.  They don't even live in the state, but my mom's best friend lives here.  I grew up with her.  She has 2 daughters near my age, and her home has always been my home.  It's such a friendly, welcoming home.  The doors are unlocked.  The kitchen is open.  I can sleep in the spare bedroom, and borrow clothes from any closet.  When I was little, this family was the definition of cool.  I learned what to like based on them: their music, movies, tv shows, words, mannerisms, shampoo!  They always knew exactly what was "in"...but they loved me as if I was part of the family.  Even though I knew I wasn't cool or up-to-date like they never seemed to notice.  I was just me, and that's how they liked me.  It's always been that way, and this week, I came and moved right back in.  I was visiting, and so was my mom, and I got to see all of my best old friends from my childhood.  the very best best friends.  The ones you never lose touch with.  The ones who -no matter how long it's been since the last visit -it seems like you saw them yesterday.  I had no schedule, and practically NOTHING to do.  there was no pressure, but it didn't bother me here.  And I'm not sure why, but having that connection to home and roots is certainly related, and possibly the entire reason.  I think I've been neglecting the importance of having a nice place to live.  I always just choose whatever location is most convenient, and throw my stuff there.  Then it's not pleasant and homey, and that's starting to ware on me.  I guess being here relieved some of the stress of supporting myself as well.  I feel protected - under parental wings - safe, and taken care of.  When I go back to my crummy apartment, I'm on my own.  I guess that's why it's so important for me to build my support group where I live.  It's time to grow roots.

New York

Hey guys.  I just want to let you know that I'm in New York this week, and my phone isn't working properly, so if I'm not returning your calls, that's why.  Thanks for staying in touch, and I'll talk to you soon.  I am checking my e-mail though!

Dream Analysis: Sky Diving

I've been putting off this dream analysis for nearly a week now.  The memory of it was very clear, and the symbolism jumped out like crazy, but I just hadn't thought about it.  I kept meaning to.  Today, it just hit me in the face, and I knew.  Here's what I think my intuition was trying to tell me:

I was sky diving, and I'd already pulled my main chute.  It had just opened and filled, but I was falling too fast.  I was mere feet above the ground, about to crash.  It didn't feel scary.  I was simply aware, and evaluating how best to land, when R (my instructor who's been my biggest influence and advisor lately) suddenly tells me that I waited too late to pull my chute, and I'll have to go back up to a safe altitude and do it again.  So I kick my legs, and since I'm wearing flippers, I slow to a stop, and start going back up.  I keep kicking until I get to the ceiling of the warehouse (don't ask how I skydove from a plane and got through the ceiling.  it's a dream, remember?)  He's right up there with his scuba suit and flippers kicking with me, and says "there.  this is a safe altitude to pull from."  So I pull, and my chute comes out, but before it can even fill with air, I hit the ground and roll.  Apparently, that was NOT a safe altitude to pull from.

It may not fit all the details, but the main idea I get from this is that I have to trust my own instincts.  First of all, I have to stay aware, and pay attention, so that I don't wait too long to see danger and react.  I frequently get myself into trouble because life keeps moving, and I'm off in my own world.  I'm not aware of my surroundings, either because I'm obsessed with food and exercise, stuck in my head, or burried in some fantasy novel.  Either way, trouble (or the ground) begins to approach, I pass minimum safe altitude, and don't notice until I'm an impossibly short distance from disaster.  My instinct at this point is usually to blame myself, and shove the responsibility into the "able" hands of the nearest authority figure.  I seem to be surrounded by people who "know better" than I do.  And since I got myself into this mess, I lose faith in my ability to get myself out.  But I can't always rely on these outside sources.  I can listen and learn from them, but in an emergency, I've got to follow my instincts.  In the dream, I would not have had a good landing.  I pulled too late, and there was nothing I could do to change that fact.  You can't go back and change the past.  If you try to, you only lose sight of where you are right now.  If I had stayed in the moment, and focused on flaring my parachute at the right time, I would have had a hard landing, but it would have been a landing.  not a fall.  

this analysis fits better than I thought.  I like it.

Get a Life

What does it mean to have a life?  I'm still not really sure, but as I get little glimpses of it, I will try to add to the list.  These are the examples that I've taken note of recently.

-getting together at a coffee shop to spend time catching up with a friend rather than to have coffee with milk and sweetner

-resting on a mountain top with a beautiful, and taking time to be with myself and nature.  feeling the sun on my skin and the wind in my hair.  Just being, and not worrying about how many things I have to do, or what I could be accomplishing if I didn't "have to wait here".

-dancing and acting crazy, and not worrying what other people think of you

-laughing at a joke, even if you don't know what others will think of you for laughing at it (this allowed me to connect with the person who made the joke)

-joking on friendly terms with the guy who was irritated with me for laughing at it.  (normally, I would have been afraid this would make him even madder, and I would have apologized, and slunk away.  My new, less inhibited reaction allowed me to connect with him as well, giving me 2 new friends and freedom from inhibitions)  

Telling my truth sends out an energy that attracts people who like me (or will once they get to know me).  It also repels those who wouldn't like me anyway.  Keeping things bottled up prevents me from offending anyone, but also from letting anyone get close to me.  It may not lose friends, but it never attracts them to me to begin with.  I wound up being neutral aquaintences with everyone, but being truly connected to No One.  No wonder I always felt like an outsider.

-being able to contact a friend I used to date, and not worry about what he will think this means.  I can trust that I will be true to myself, express my intentions clearly, and not allow myself to be compromised by anyone else.

-Being able to connect on some level with anyone I meet, and accept them for exactly who and what they are.  To enjoy whatever company I am in.

-To choose the friends that I most enjoy being with, and make an actual effort to spend time with them.  I don't have to worry that other people (who I don't like as much) will think I'm showing favoritism.  And I don't have to isolate from my friends in order to always do what I want to do.  

-to hang out with a guy or go on a first date without stressing about "what if he likes me more than I do, and I just want to be friends, and then I have to say something, and it gets awkward, and we can't even be friends anymore?"

What Elements are You?

Your Element Is Earth

You excel at planning and strategizing. You could be a champ at chess or Survivor. Well grounded, you are able to be realistic and rationalize. On the inside, you have a hard core. It's tough to phase you. You are super productive, and you are able to think anything through. Focused and super charged, your instincts are a good guide for your next step.

Your Love Element Is Fire

In love, you are a true listener and totally present. For you, love is all about feeling more alive than you've ever felt. You attract others with your joy and passion. Your flirting style is defined by your strong ability to communicate. Fun and play are the cornerstones of your love life. And while your flame may burn too brightly, it's part of your appeal. You connect best with: Wood Avoid: Water You and another Fire element: will likely burn out quickly

I feel like such a nerd when I do these silly online quizzes, but I think they're a fun way to start asking questions and learning about myself and who I am.  It helps me think outside the box in considering my approach to life.  Also, a month or 2 ago, I was talking to the guy I was seeing about how people can usually be defined by 2 elements.  One is primary, and the other secondary.  We may have traces of a third, but the others will make little sense to us.  I asked him to tell me what I was, but he made me walk through the meanings and find out for myself.  

Ka

Fire is passion.  intensity.  ambition.  It latches onto something, and consumes it to its end, driving towards the finish.  So long as it has fuel, or something to strive for, it will grow stronger and stronger, but if those resources are exhausted, it dies out.  With nothing to conquer, fire cannot exist.  火 Ka or hi, meaning "Fire", represents the energetic, forceful, moving things in the world. Animals, particularly predators, capable of movement and full of forceful energy, are primary examples of kaobjects. Bodily, ka represents our metabolism and body heat, and in the mental and emotional realms, it represents drive and passion. ka can be associated with motivation, desire, intention, and an outgoing spirit. Besides the obvious examples of heat and flame, lightning can also be thought of as an extension of Ka.

Before I had identified what elements I thought I was, our dinner was served, and I realized I didn't feel like eating.  I explained how I feel like I have reverse homeostasis.  So long as I stay right in the middle, I am uninspired, disinterested, and completely willing to follow whatever foodplan is suggested.  Once I step outside towards either extreme (hunger or fullness), I am suddenly compelled to barrel forwards full throttle.  The fuller I get, the more I want to eat, and the longer I go without eating, the more enthusiasticly I resist food.  Burning uncontrollably until all resources have been extinguished.  I certainly identify with fire, probably more than any other element.  Once I get my sights set on a goal, I am driven to do nothing but that.  Stagnance is death.  I am energetic, passionate, and forceful with everything I do.

Chi

地 Chi (sometimes ji) or tsuchi, meaning "Earth", represents the hard, solid objects of the world. The most basic example of chi is in a stone. Stones are highly resistant to movement or change, as is anything heavily influenced by chi. In people, the bones, muscles and tissues are represented by chi. Emotionally, chi is predominantly associated with stubbornness, stability, physicality, and gravity. In the mind, it is confidence; and emotionally it is a desire to have things remain as they are; a resistance to change. When under the influence of this chi mode or "mood", we are aware of our own physicality and sureness of action.

Earth was described to me as structure and rigidity.  You can rely on earth to be on time, every time without fail.  Schedule, routine, organization.  Earth people tend to be very efficient, because they have found a pattern that works, practiced it, adjusted it to fit themselves, and settled into it.  They stick to it because it works for them.  There is strength in such a practiced, perfected technique, but it's very predictable to enemies, and crumbles when outside circumstances change, and earth cannot or will not adapt.

This was the first definition I identified as me when I heard what they meant.  I have come to believe that I am by nature, fire, but have felt the disastrous effects of living soley on unbridled passion.  My fits and childish moodswings were unbearable for me and those around me.  I gradually learned to compensate for my wild passionate nature by enforcing extreme structure.  Petrified of losing control, i implemented constant activities, deadlines, rules, bedtimes, and jam-packed schedules to keep me in line.  I became dependent on my structure, and defined myself by it.  Fearing the fire, I bottled it all up, until it exploded, making me fear it more, and enforce even stricter adherence to rigid structure.

Sui

水 Sui or mizu, meaning "Water", represents the fluid, flowing, formless things in the world. Outside of the obvious example of rivers and the like, plants are also categorized under sui, as they adapt to their environment, growing and changing according to the direction of the sun and the changing seasons. Blood and other bodily fluids are represented by sui, as are mental or emotional tendencies towards adaptation and change. sui can be associated with emotion, defensiveness, adaptability, flexibility, suppleness, and magnetism.

This type of person goes with the flow.  It is consistent in its own way.  It may not come on time, or when you expect it, but it will always get there.  It has no shape of its own, but can adapt to fill any container.  Water is creative.  People can take something that already exists, and add a new twist to make something beautiful or amazing like nothing we've ever seen.

Water sounds really cool to me - like the way to be.  I like to think that I'm easy going, but that tends to be true only when I set aside time in my schedule to be exceptionally spontaneous, and if someone else's suggestion doesn't appeal to me, I'll figure out what I really wanted them to suggest, and probably go do it by myself.  I'm really good at going with the flow when the flow happens to go exactly where I want it to ,which means...I don't go with the flow.  lol.  I'm practicing, and seem to be getting a lot better at it.  I really admire people who can see changing circumstances and adapt quickly.  I don't seem to improvise well, unless I've practiced each of the individual parts in som many infinite combinations that I've already done every possibility. well that's not entirely true.  In choreography and performance it tends to be true, but in building, engineering, cooking, and making due with what's available, and directions, and adventures, I actually improvise very well! And I like creating/tweaking things to suit my needs.  I often alter my clothes to suit me, and adapt the words of songs to fit my life.

Fū

風 Fū or kaze, meaning "Wind", represents things that grow, expand, and enjoy freedom of movement. Aside from air, smoke, and the like, fū can in some ways be best represented by the human mind. As we grow physically, we learn and expand mentally as well, in terms of our knowledge, our experiences, and our personalities. Fū represents breathing, and the internal processes associated with respiration. Mentally and emotionally, it represents an "open-minded" attitude and carefree feeling. It can be associated with will, elusiveness, evasiveness, benevolence, compassion, and wisdom.  Air tends to be creative genious - the kind who can create something completely new out of absolutely nothing.

This is the one I have the most trouble understanding.  It comes and goes on its own time.  It's here one instant, and gone the next.  Extremely powerful, or nothing at all.  The best example that was given to me is a guy who is fast and explosive, extremely light on his feet, and full of aerial tricks.  I have a hard time remembering any real conversations with him, simply because all of his statements are isolated thoughts with no apparent structure.  They appear, and then they're gone.  He has a huge house, with wide open space, sparse furnishings, and few decorations.  I don't quite get it, but I love the concept.

Dream Analysis Frog-Squirrell

I was just reading "eating in the light of the moon" again - the chapter about dreams, and their metaphoric language.  I'll write about the most recent one I can remember.

  My roommates are in the market to buy a house, and have offered to let me rent a bedroom when they find one.  In the dream, they found a 2 bedroom house that had a garage sort of addition on the first floor, which they kinda wanted to use for an office or gym, but were going to let me use it for a bedroom.  I like it though.  It had slanted lofty ceilings, and old wooden walls painted light green.  it had an old country feel to it.  It was long and narrow, and had a wide opening to the living room, with no doors.  I think the living room had a fire place, and...there were 2 living rooms.  Everything else was upstairs - the other 2 bedrooms and the laundry rooms.  I don't remember there being any other rooms.  Maybe there were.  I just can't picture any of them.  There was a nice front step, side walk, and a big tree in the small front yard.

So, I do feel a little left out that they're buying together, and i'm not in on the decision.  I mean, it's fitting since they're brother and sister, but I am still odd man out, only loosely included in the extra tack on room.  Still it's nice that they want me there, and in the dream, I was really excited to be included.  It seems almost too literal to be symbolic!  but i have to think outside the box.  The location reminded me of a lot of places: my grandparents house, my old wooden garage, a ramshackle club house, Camber's house, and a typical apartment.  A house represents home - home base - comfort, safety, foundation, somewhere to keep your stuff, come back to, have friends and family visit...I haven't had a real home for a long time.  I've been wanting to buy a house for a while.  I think this dream brings to light the desire for a home that I've been feeling for quite some time.  In the dream, I was on the verge of getting it, and it was a combination of many past definitions of my home, but it wasn't really mine.  I think that's maybe the way I'm feeling about program?  Home is where your friends are.  I have finally collected a group of people with whom I share a strong common bond "like survivors of a shipwreck", and can talk to.  It feels a lot like home sometimes.  But sometimes it feels like it's not really mine.  Like...We don't really live and do things together.  We meet once or twice a week, and pay to be there, and we talk on the phone, and everyone else hangs out together between meetings, but I'm too far away, and don't get to be a part of it in real life.  They invite me in on rent, but I don't get to be an owner.  And I'm grateful for the time there, but there's still an emptiness where I don't feel really like a part.

We were going to sleep over to try out the house to make sure we liked it.  I was in the living room watching a small gray shadow creature scampering on the walls by the ceiling and fireplace chimney.  It was some kind of frog-squirrel, shape shifting constantly.  It was fascinating.  It came closer, and closer, and it was making me nervous.  I kinda swatted it away, and it bit me.  I swung harder at it, and it became more vicious, biting and scratching, until I killed it.  It wasn't messy, but it wasn't really dead.  It was only pissed.  I realized that there were several of them running around the house, I didn't know how to kill them, and they were all mad.  I ran outside to tell my roomies, but I couldn't seem to express it.  We couldn't stay over night, because they were probably going to tear us to shreds.  We probably couldn't even buy the house, but I couldn't seem to tell them.  I was really scared, and wished I hadn't pissed the creatures off, but I didn't know what to do.

What could the creature represent?  Eating disorder?  Self Doubt?  Isolation?  Animalistic nature?  hmmm maybe the desire for a consistent home - the committment to stay in one place.  I've been moving around so much, hardly keeping the same address for even 6 months for the past 7 years!  I want a home so badly, but I'm scared to comit to a location.  what if it is inconvenient?  what if I get a job or gym else where, and have a long commute?  what if things change, and I want to live somewhere else?  If I lock myself into a home and commit to stay there, I'll be trapped and plagued by my hasty decision...although we weren't making a hasty decision.  I wasn't making the decision at all.  I was (oh-oh- this could be it) i was stuck with the choice: do I sacrifice control of where we live, in what vacinity, who gets what room, bills, payments, and all housing matters in order to continue living with my friends?  This is also a bigger theme that I'm struggling with right now.  I've controlled my time and schedule so meticulously for so long, only doing that which is productive.  Sacrificing no time for friends.  Lately, I've been learning to let go of some of that, but how far do I let that go?  If I ignore my own voice and ambition which tells me exactly where I need to live or be, I get to be with my friends, but I get torn to shreds by a frog-squirrell.  And I think that just means that my ambition and drive to succeed on my own dies.  I have this irrational fear that if I do normal things like have friends and hang out, settle down, and have a home, my ambition to excell will fizzle out.  The other option is to leave my friends and be alone, but to continue to pursue what I want, but in the dream that wasn't an option, because I didn't know what I wanted yet.  In real life, I feel like I know exactly what I want, but do we ever really know what will make us happiest?  I know that having friends and pursuing  goals are not mutually exclusive, but they certainly don't always complement each other.  My sub-conscious mind is struggling to sort that out.  I'm gonna leave it at that for now.  there was a second, mostly unrelated part to that dream, that I will try to write about later.  Goodnight!

I'm working today, and there's been a lot of down time.  It's been a little hard, with the snack table right in front of me and nothing to do.  Plus, the food is so unbalanced.  it's all carbs and fatty snack food.  Normally, I don't eat breakfast when I'm working, because they have catering trucks with amazing buffets.  this one isn't as big, so I was thinking there would be less options.  maybe eggs.  but all they had was muffins and bagels.  the ONLY protein was cream cheese.  some choice!  and then most of my snacks throughout the day usually are little salads or wraps with chicken or turkey or something.  today it was cheese-its.  I don't feel good about it.  it's ok though.  and instead of hiding in my book, i've been hanging out in the middle of things, trying to stay present and connect with my boss and other workers.  it's been ok.  i've had some good chats, and learned some new things.  after lunch (finally, a good meal), I took a nap.  i wasn't needed.  i woke up to my phone ringing, and it was my boss from another job.  the only "steady" one I've had ...ever.  I've worked there for almost 2 years!  well, not consistently.  I'm hardly ever available to work there, so I'm there less than a month these days.  anyway, due to the economy, he has to drop some people off the roster, and I'm one of them.  I hardly considered it a job.  I'm not going to be financially hurt by it.  And on the phone, I did a good job of convincing him and myself that I wasn't at all bothered by it.  But (actually, I'm impressed with how quickly I came to acknowledge this)  I'm really sad to be leaving.  When I was first hired, I didn't take it seriously, but he told my group that this place was a family.  I actually scoffed at the idea, but for the past year and a half, that place has been home.  One of the safest, most loving places I've known.  One of my closest circles of friends is there...the only real group of friends I had before program.  And some of my very very best friends...I met them and got to know them there.  I trained and learned new skills there.  I never had a binge there.  They provided many many meals.  I slept there, and I still go back to visit almost weekly.  The attention and validation I got when I did my job were fantastic, and The hugs and greetings I get every time I walk in that door are so loving...I'm really really going to miss it.  I already do.  I had wanted to hold onto it, but I guess it's time to let go.  

Service with a Smile

Today, I saw my new friend engaging in the earliest behaviors of an eating disorder.  Nothing too serious right now...just hard core dieting and over exercising.  She's in the honeymoon phase where it all seems like a great idea, cuz it's working.  I was so scared for her, I couldn't focus on anything else most of the evening.  When we finished class, I would have kinda liked to go home and cook dinner and read, but instead, I asked her to go out to dinner with me.  We talked a lot about moderation rather than extremes, and I told her what I wish someone would have told me at the beginning of my eating disorder- the one thing that could have stopped me.  I wouldn't have cared about the physical damage it does to your throat, stomach, organs, teeth, that it stops certain body processes, or even the craziness and mental anguish.  The one thing that would have changed my mind was that in the long run, it DOES NOT WORK.  The whole point is to lose weight, and my eating disorder caused me to gain weight.  She was really receptive to hearing it, and is still at a point where she may be able to be reasonable and rational.  I may be able to save her the trouble of getting farther into this.  What a wonderful thing to be able to do.  I was really excited about helping her.  I wasn't thinking about my own recovery, or service for the sake of service.  I really cared, and wanted to take time out of my schedule to reach out.

The fact that I was so into this-helping her if I can- makes me feel a lot better about myself as a person too.  Maybe I'm not quite as selfish as I thought...maybe.

Selfishness

I don't feel like I have anything to say, and I'd rather just read my novel.  It's getting really exciting.  But I'm committed to recovery, and I didn't write yesterday, so I'm sure there's something swirling uncomfortably in my head.  I'm feeling a little guilty about not doing anything meaningful.  My roommate suggested recently that I get a job...like a part time normal job to pay bills between real jobs.  I'd like to be a fire fighter.  I kinda feel like I still need the time to process and rest, but I'm also feeling a little selfish.  ok...really selfish.  and I feel full.  and I ate a protein bar!  Holy crap.  did you see that?  How interesting!  I touch on a very personal/hurtful topic (selfishness), and immediately distract myself by criticizing my food choices and fullness of my belly!  If that isn't a perfect example of how eating disorders prevent us from facing the real issues in our lives, tell me what is.  Ha ha.  Now that i've identified how uncomfortable I am with the topic of selfishness, I have to try to deal with it.  I don't want to.  I do feel selfish.  I have felt bad about it since the day my mom dropped me off at college.  I don't remember what I had done, but it was the last dinner we had together before she left, and she was crying.  I tried to comfort her, saying that I'd call, and I'd be back for the holidays, and then she said something that stuck with me.  She's one of the most thoughtful, generous, caring, people I know.  She NEVER says cruel words with intent to hurt.  Nor will she voice her own pain just to get it off her chest.  She'll suffer with it, unless it's something that you need to hear for your own good.  "I'm not crying because you're leaving.  I'm crying because I can't believe how selfish you are."

After that, i began to notice how selfish my behavior was, and made efforts to appear less selfish, but only so far as I could without interfering with what I wanted.  When I realized that I was basically not willing to change it, I accepted that I was innately selfish, and therefore a bad person, pretending to be good.  

I don't know if that's changed at all in recovery.  I definitely think of myself first, and do service because I'm aware that it somehow improves MY recovery.  I can't be healthy without reaching out and helping others, so I do...after I've taken care of myself.  And I know that's how it's supposed to work.  Fasten your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs.  You can't give away what you don't have.  but I still feel like a jerk.  I wish I could say I was taking care of myself first so that I could serve some higher purpose for others, but that's really not at the forefront of my mind.  I'm helping myself, because that's what I instinctively think about first.  Me.  me me me me me.  Oh wait, I'm having trouble taking care of me.  I better do something for others so that I can be healthy enough to get back to what's really important.  ME!  What a freakin' jerk!  and I know.  that's not a nice way to talk to myself.  it's not like I respond well to that anyway.

sigh.  I do have to remember not to get so caught up in the black and white thinking that I'm either good or bad.  I am selfish, but let's be fair.  I also feel really good when I can do something to help my friends.  In fact, it's only a very small percentage of the time that I help someone because I feel obligated.  Most of the time, I get really excited about being able to make a difference in someone else's life.  I would like to get a part time job where I could do more of that, but I'm not sure how.  I've always liked the idea of being a personal trainer, and that's something I'm already qualified for.  It's just that I have such a hard time taking the initiative to go looking for that sort of job when just that much effort in the direction of my career would probably book be a few jobs right off the bat.  Sometimes I feel like I use ED and recovery as an excuse to be lazy - to neglect my responsibilities.  

So what's the solution?

I guess....

I need to pray for the willingness to take initiative, the insight and awareness to see the way of my highest good, the responsibility to choose that path, whether I like it or not, and to be relieved of the bondage of self.  Going with the flow doesn't just mean sitting back and coasting aimlessly.  It means finding the rhythm of life and the universe.  It means letting go of control when things are progressing smoothly on their own.  It means accepting the things I can not change, but keeping my eyes open for new opportunities so that when they arise, I have the awareness and the courage to seize them.

Meaningful Life

I started grasping this concept of having a life this evening during my share.  It's something about connecting with people and being authentic and in the moment.  It was like sunday night when I had a few hours to kill and no where to be.  I had quantatative productive work that I could use to fill the time.  that's what I wanted to do, but a guy asked me to go have a beer with him.  I don't drink, but I took the opportunity to practice socializing.  He had a beer, and we hung out.  Normally that would sound like torture.  I still can't intellectually grasp how it enriches my life to spend time with people doing nothing productive, but it did.  we talked about a crazy vietnam war vet he used to have for a coach who's as psycho as mine.  He told me about downhill mountain racing, which apparently has the most devastating wipeouts EVER, and I explained adventure racing to him.  we decided to make a team, and hold auditions for our navigator.  We'll post an add on craigslist, and tape the audition which will probably have no applicants.  it was just silliness, and it was more memorable and fulfilling than doing the same training, studying, or paperwork that I always do to validate myself.  Other ways I've been connecting today:

-friendly debate about 12 step programs and higher powers

-singing lion king songs in car with Cri

-listening

-screaming in the driveway

-staring contest with Am

-singing I'm too Sexy with Cri

-opera singing

-gulping like frogs and practicing cockney accents with Jp

-Joking with pirates

So i think what's important about this is that all the past weeks of training - good and bad - they all run together.  No matter how much I accomplish, none of it fills the hole I'm trying to fill with exercise and food.  But this stuff does.  I need human connection, whether I understand why or not.

Anonymous

I love when you guys post comments.  Seriously.  It means a lot to me.  But can you make sure that you NEVER mention my name?  On the off chance that someone from work came by it, I would hate for my name to pop up somewhere.  thanks!

Dreams

I've been dreaming a lot lately...and not just random dreams.  They're all incredibly relevant and intense.  The 2 worst have been about the same real life event.  I'm back in a place I used to call home, but i'm not welcome there anymore.  I wasn't careful enough.  I trusted too much, and fell into a trap.  No one meant for anyone to get hurt, but they did, and I feel responsible.  I know there's nothing I can do now, but I ... it still hurts.  In my dream, I'm back in that place, doing what I've always done there, and suddenly someone asks me why i've been gone so long.  I remember why, and realize I shouldn't be there.  No one present knows, but they start guessing and trying to explain why i've been gone so long.  I get nervous, and unpack my lunch: a sandwich and rice.  Interesting that even in my dream, I eat over feelings, and curious that I would have rice.  I never have just rice.  It was dry and plain, and I spilled it all over the floor.  I ran off to get a broom and dust pan, but I HAD TO eat my sandwich.  I stopped to eat my meal in peace in my room, and looked around at all of my old stuff.  Most of it hadn't been moved, but the sticker with my name had been torn and peeled off the door.  It really started to dawn on me how much trouble I would be in if the man in charge showed up.  I slowly crept back to the main room to clean up the rice and get out of there, but as I turned a corner, I saw his hair sticking up behind the back of his tall revolving office chair.  OMG.  I was in so much trouble.  I couldn't get out without him seeing me, and I CAN'T talk to him!  What will he think if he sees me here!?  and that i spilled rice!?  that's so typical of me.  using his stuff, giving nothing of value in return, making a total mess of things, and then having no ability to clean it up.  I tried to sneak past when he left the room, and his secretary caught me.  We had a chat while I did some inverted sit ups (yeah, weird, huh?  well, not for me.)  But the secretary started asking questions and guessing very accurately at why I was banned from this place.  I began to waver in my responses when the boss returned...but it wasn't him.  It was his friend who for some reason had his hair done exactly like the boss.  Anyway.  that was it.

In the next dream, I was back there again, and I saw the girl who hates me.  Well, she told me she doesn't, and I apologized profusely, but I still believe she hates me.  She must.  In the dream she did.  In reality, neither of us want anyone to know what happened, and in the dream, I was relying on that fact to save me from humiliation, but she didn't care.  The second she saw me, she couldn't control her emotions.  The started screaming and cursing at me, telling me off for everything I had done to ruin her life in front of everyone.  It was awful.

I don't know if anyone has any inkling of what happened, but there are many people back there who I would like to work with.  They were role models to me, but I always felt like a nuisance to them - like I was in the way.  And i'm not imagining it.  The boss told me that most of the guys felt that way - that he was wasting time and money allowing me to be there.  I don't know if he was exaggerating, but...

I had to send an e-mail to some of those guys today, applying for a job.  Like I said.  I look up to them so much.  There are few people I'd rather work for.  But writing to them...trying to say something as a friendly greeting, but having to somewhat address the fact that I dissappeared off the face of the earth for a while...not easy.  The moment I hit send, my friend came over, and commented that I looked sick.  I'm not.  I just don't think I breathed while I spent 20 minutes stressing over the e-mail.  Finally, I gave up trying to say "the right things", and just sent it, before I could change my mind.  I kinda regret it now.  It could have been better written, and I'm not so sure I should have sent anything anyway.  I feel like they're going to write back and be like "you think there's a chance we'd even consider hiring you when there are bums and bimbos on the streets with more talent than you?  Not now that the boss isn't taking care of you.  we're not required by anyone to be civil to you."  I already planned my response for when they send that e-mail.  I was in acceptance of that possibility, until I realized a more horrifying thought.  what if they decide to hire me?  What if they go against their better judgement, and trust that I've been training and improving since they saw me last?  What if they give me one last chance, and I show up, and suck.  I've had so much to deal with (as anyone who's had ED treatment can tell you).  I've been on hiatus.  I've done remarkably well maintaining skills and strength considering the mass injuries AND full time recovery from ED, but not enough.  They're harder to impress than me, and if I looked at my progress from the outside without knowing the extenuating circumstances (and they CAN'T know)...I'd be disgusted.  I can just see them threatening "we're giving you ONE last chance.  If you suck now, don't ever contact us again."

There were a lot of memorable moments tonight.  Really nice high points.  Lots of lulls in between, and lots of discomfort in social situations, but I feel like I got to really see God working in my life.  

My friend that was driving to an event missed the exit on the freeway, because we were having a conversation about Quads.  He needs to learn to ride them.  We had to turn around twice to find our exit, but in that process, we passed a truck towing 2 quads, and I rolled down the window to ask them (on the freeway, yelling at the top of my lungs and signing wildly) if they could teach us to ride.  "Now!?" they asked. "No!  Tomorrow!"  I said.  Then they gave me their phone number, and I called and left a message for them.  I don't know if we'll actually hear from them or ride, but it was crazy fun.  

Then I found out about this big hollywood party that i was supposed to go to for a job i worked on.  It could be a great networking opportunity, but I was afraid everyone would be wild and drunk, and I'd feel out of place, lonely, dejected, and not do a good job of networking anyway.  I just wanted to go home, read, and go to sleep.  But I went.  I got dressed up, and tried to gear up for the experience.  hardly anyone I knew was there, and I spent most of the time wandering around looking for people to talk to, but the first person I recognized (I admit, I don't remember his name) introduced me to his roommate, who ... you won't believe this.  He was a military guy.  He's pretty cute.  When he got out of the military, he realized that all of his training had caused him to be disconnected, and he took acting classes for personal growth.  Although he never intended to be an actor, he seems to be making a living at it, and is starring in a motorcycle movie, for which he will be training tomorrow.  Dirt bikes.  I told him how badly I'd been wanting to learn that stuff, and he invited me to come!  It's free.  Paid for by production, and they have all kinds of extra bikes around, and may need girls to ride too.  It was such a fortuitous meeting!  I was all fluttery and excited for the rest of the night.  I'm trying to analyze my feelings about it.  It's funny, because I think with most girls, the fluttery feeling would be because of the guy, and riding would be the bonus, but in all honesty, I think I'm the reverse.  I'm flattered and intrigued about the potential of getting to know a military guy who seems to have a lot in common with me, but the real excitement came from the chance to learn new skills.  Especially after my last post.  I've been feeling so worthless the past few days lying around doing nothing.  I wrote about how I define my self and my worth through physical activity, and have felt like a zombie without that in my life.  I had just resigned myself to a fate of nothingness until I could learn to recognize what else there is to live for.  I was expecting hard barren times.  Perhaps I shouldn't be riding yet...especially since that's what hurts me the most, but the sudden chance to learn something new and get that validation of doing something exceptional...it was like being alive again.  In the way that I've always known how.  As exciting as it is, I kinda feel like I committed to giving up my crutch and learning to stand on my own two feet, and immediately latched onto the same exact crutch when it was thrown my way.  I don't know.  Maybe the fires will prevent us from going tomorrow.  The roads are still closed now.  I guess I'll leave it up to God!

I had this thought last night.  I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and that my higher power is looking out for my best interests.  The series of 4 minor injuries last year around this time seriously interfered with my plans, but I was able to see that it was my body's way of telling me it was time to rest.  I wasn't taking care of myself or giving me the time I needed to recover on a daily basis.  This point was proven when they were immediately followed by a far more serious injury that knocked me off my feet.  I understood, but couldn't do it.  I am after all a compulsive over-exerciser, and that was my only strategy for preventing my compulsive overeating.  So when I refused to take the hint, I got hit with another injury that has baffled me.  It feels different, heals different, and no matter how well I think I'm protecting it while I work out, it's not getting the rest it needs to recover.  I feel like there were many reasons for this one.  Again- it was the final message about learning to take time off, but without being forced out of comission, I never would have been willing to remove myself from my regular training to seek treatment for my eating disorder.  I've been so confused and frustrated as to why it's lasted so long, but last night, it hit me.  God is doing for me what I couldn't do for myself, and someday I'll probably thank him for it, but right now I'm pissed.  I don't get to heal and return to full physical activity until I learn to live without it.  I have to know who I am and how to BE in the world without relying on skills and physicality to define me.

I was at a low point last night.  I was working, and was abusing my injury more than I have in several months.  I realized that probably the past 8 weeks of doing practically nothing, and the past few days of doing ABSOLUTELY nothing may have gone down the tubes because of the mediocre activity I was doing.  It was nothing spectacular.  I didn't feel like I did it well, but it was too much, and I was swollen within minutes of beginning.  It only got worse.  I couldn't even really enjoy the adrenaline or the workout because I was fighting tears.  I felt like the only way I'd ever be able to heal was if I was kryogenically frozen so that I could remain unconscious during the healing process.  Then I reconsidered, and decided some kind of anesthetic induced hybernation would be more effective.  I don't think the body heals when you're frozen.  All of my muscles would atrophy, but I'd probably lose a lot of weight.  Then I'd be healed and skinny.  I could rebuild the muscle.  I like doing that.  I know.  that's really sick, but that's what I felt.  It doesn't feel that far off from what the past month or 2 has been like anyway.  I feel like I'm just killing time until I can start "living" again.  because I don't know how to live without my physical ability.  I used to say that I would keep doing crazy things like bunji jumping and sky diving until I get so old and decrepit that it kills me, because once my body can't handle those things, what's the point of living?  I truly felt and believed that.  My opinion has changed only enough to know intellectually that there's something inherently wrong with that.  I have to learn to live for other things.  I have to know who I am.  Being in a coma won't fix that.  I feel like even with the perfect rest, perfect supplements, perfect medecine and treatment, my injury would never heal.  I feel like God gave it to me to force me to learn who I am.  Physical ability has served me well, but I rely too heavily on it, and God will not remove my injury and restore my ability until I learn to live.  I can do it like program: as quickly or as slowly as I want to, but it's not going to fix itself if I just wait around.  Last night, it felt like a miserable surrender, but today it feels a little more hopeful.  Like when I first went to OA.  I hated it, but if recovery was what I had to do to get thin, fine.  I'd do it.  But I began to see what recovery meant, and how it could change my life.  Then recovery became more important than physical results.  Right now, getting to know myself sounds interesting, but tedious, boring, painful, and really really HARD!  but I'm willing to do it if that's what it takes to get my legs back to full capacity.  Someday, my life will be of greater value to me than my physical strength and agility.  That's when they'll return.  At least that's what I think.  Which leaves me with the problem of ...wait no.  I'm still thinking of this the wrong way.  It's not just about how do I avoid harmful activities.  It's about how do I fill my life with meaningful non-harmful people and experiences.  That does sound better.  I just don't get the crutch of exercise.  I'm gonna try to look at it as an exciting challenge.  Where to start?  How about a 4th step.  

Guilt

I feel AWFUL.  just terrible.  weak, powerless, bad, careless, inconsiderate, deceitful...I feel like a bad person.  The last time my roommate was out of town, she said I could use her car if I needed to.  I used it to run a few errands, pick up groceries and such.  And I remember this one time when I pulled into our tight little parking spot under the building, and I froze for a second.  Did I scrape the side of the car against the plastered post?  I wasn't sure.  I backed up, pulled into the spot.  I knew I had.  I must have.  I ran around to the side of the car to check, but didn't really see anything.  It was kinda dark, but no harm, no foul, right?

well a few weeks after she got back into town, she asked me about it.  "Did you scratch my car coming into the parking spot?  it lines up right where the post would be, and nobody else has driven my car."  

"I don't think so."  I said.  Thinking back, I began to question myself.  Then she showed me where the scratch was, and I knew.  "It must've been me then"  I said.  I didn't want her to think I'd lied about it initially, but i didn't want to lie about it now.  "It must have been.  If you want, I'll do whatever I have to do to pay for the repair." But the way I'd said it left some degree of doubt in her mind as to whether or not it was actually me, and she didn't want to charge me if I wasn't sure that I did it.  That's when I realized that I was pretty sure, but I couldn't say it.  I honestly don't know if she would bother getting it fixed anyway.  She has a lot of scratches all over her car, but one of them was from me.

I felt bad, but moved on.  She's out of town again, and since I drove her to the airport, she's letting me borrow the car again while she's gone.  I just did it again.  This time, I can see a big scratch.  So big in fact, that I again question whether I did it or not.  I was moving so slowly.  I heard it touch.  I know I left a mark, but not that big...?  Perhaps this one was already there, and I put another little tiny one on top of it?  Or maybe I'm a weapon of mass destruction to her car.  I'm terrified to tell her.  I feel terrible, and i don't want to lie or hide it.   I know how much those things hurt me.  But I don't know what to do.  I have no money right now.  I can't afford to pay for the groceries I bought last week.  

I guess my strategy for apologies and amends is usually to make up for it first if possible so that they can't be as upset when I tell the truth.  "I scratched your car, but I already took it in, touched it up, and had all of your previous scratches fixed while I was at it."  I hate being a burden, or irresponsible.  I don't want her to fear loaning things to me.  This sucks.  Because I know i have to be honest, but I don't have the means to fix it.

All or Nothing

Like I said before,

The costs of overeating are obvious.  It's only by recognizing the payoff that we can accurately evaluate our actions in the moment, and make healthier choices.  If the payoff is a temporary numbness to our problems, that simply causes the pain to be burried deeper within us, that recognition will probably be immensely helpful in resisting the urge.  I've also recently recognized a little more about the psychology of why I like to starve or do other things of that nature.  I get an intense pride from being tough - able to withstand harsh conditions and injury - to soldier on alone without help or complaint.  Just like the sense of worthiness I get from excellence, achievement, and persistence, I get a high from extreme toughness.  If I'm doing something impressive, I can define myself by that, rather than by what I'm really feeling.  But it has to be a strong trait, or it doesn't overrule other things.  For example, Say a bunch of us are sitting outside in long sleeve shirts, and i'm a little chilly.  Everyone else seems fine, but I'm cold.  If someone offers me a jacket, I'll take it in a second, because refusing it doesn't make me amazingly tough.  Everyone else is fine without a jacket.  If I tough it out, I'm only succeeding in being average.  Not interesting.  Might as well be comfortable.  However, let's say the same group of us are there, and I'm shivering in a tank top, while everyone else has a furry winter coat.  There's a good chance that I would refuse the jacket, just to show how tough I am.  The cost is discomfort.  The benefit is demonstrating victory over the need for comfort - a feeling of superiority.  When you look at it that way, it all seems very silly, but that's why it's so important to look at and understand these things.  A binge brings comfort.  Starving brings pride, but both are only temporary.  Middle ground deprives me of the numbing comfort and the isolating superiority, but the long term pay off is so much greater.  That's what I'm just beginning to understand.  If I eat small meals every few hours exactly as planned, I don't get to numb out.  I don't get to feel super-human for transcending basic bodily needs, but I do get peace.  I get to really know and understand myself.  I get to be present in the world, and connect with people.  I get to stay conscious enough to get things done, live my life, and really be involved in it.  It's a tough transition to make, especially when I'm so used to my old way.  But the farther I go, the more value I see in it.  I don't feel like i've really done it justice in my description of the value of balance, but then, I guess I haven't completely found it yet.  How can you really describe something you haven't fully experienced?  But I've experience amazing highs from my disease, and still I am willing to give that up for balance.  I guess I have faith.  That's a pretty cool thing.

Why do we eat?  I think that there is actually a logical reason for everything we do.  Sometimes it seems crazy and completely pointless, but there's some perceived payoff when we eat, otherwise, we wouldn't do it.  When I'm craving food, I look at the clock.  Is it time for a meal?  Is it at all possible that I could be hungary?  Today, the answer was no.  On Sunday, with the french vanilla coffee, it was obvious.  My feelings were so painful and intense, that i wanted to numb them out for a while.  The cost is the calories, the sleeplessness, the bloating, and the stomach cramps that come with my allergic substances, but the benefit was that I could be emotionally comforted while I sipped vanilla sweetness.  I understood it at the time, and I made that choice.  But what was my reason for craving today?  There were no specific triggers.  The main thing has been discomfort with lack of action, but I have a to do list 10 miles long.  If I wanted action, wouldn't I have embarked more vigorously on those activities, found my achievement, and been happy?  Sometimes that works, but I really didn't want to do that today.  The things on my to do list aren't that fun.  They're not that easy either.  They're things I've been meaning to do for MANY months, but haven't been able to.  They're the kinda thing that requires a phone call, another phone call, waiting for a response, trying a different path, persuading someone, tracking them down, waiting...even if I addressed everything on my list, very little of it could actually be accomplished and checked off.  For whatever reason, I just didn't want to do this stuff.  But I couldn't schedule other things, because these things have to get done eventually, so I stayed home, intending to do them.  I found myself craving 2 things all day. 1. Food.  2. reading.  I wanted to lie around and get lost in my novel...again.  Just another way of checking out.  I didn't want to do my chores, but I can't deal with neglecting my responsibilities.  I couldn't consciously do that.  That would be irresponsible, lazy...So I ran to my book.  Granted, it's a good book, and I want to know what's going to happen next, but it's really serving as an escape from my mundane every day tasks, and my program of recovery.  It's a more acceptable way of putting things off.  And I get to feign accomplishment too.  "Once I finish this book, then I'll be able to get stuff done.  I just have to finish this first."  That way, I trick myself into feeling like I'm accomplishing something, while I'm really avoiding what needs to be done.  I have accomplished things today, and i've stuck to my food plan.  But I feel really empty and alone.  I'm not going to the OC meeting tonight.  I'll just go to the one closest to my house.  I had hoped to have a sleepover with a friend, but that doesn't look like it's going to work out.  It's not.  I guess that's why I keep getting so intrigued by the add for pizza popping up on my computer screen.  And an ice cream binge sounds so nice.  I am aware that I feel really lonely, and I don't want to be aware of that.  I'm instinctively trying to hide those feelings from myself.  I guess i have 2 better options.  Seek company or sit with my feelings.  Because the pizza isn't going to help.  Neither is ice cream.  And neither is sitting around reading to distract myself until my next abstinent meal, although sometimes that's the best I can do.

Here's a curious thought.  I could have called people to hang out with today.  I probably had a lot of options.  Why didn't I?  I said it was because I was going to orange county later today, and I would hang out with friends then, but I had to get things done first.  I was afraid that if someone came over or I made social plans, I wouldn't accomplish the things on my list.  Even though I stayed home to do these things, I stalled, and avoided them so long that I couldn't make plans for later, and never got around to anything.  I'm still doing the same thing now.  And I keep hoping that I'll take my work with me to a park or coffee shop or something.  Anything to get out of the ugly apartment, and be social, but I don't.  I need my ice, and my computer, and what if I forget something, and then can't get things done.  But I'm stuck in this dark messy room, and I'm still not getting very much done, and i'm missing out on life.  I guess I get pretty disappointed too when I actually make an effort like that and don't end up meeting amazing, interesting people.  So often, I get approached by weird guys who are just trying to hit on me.  If someone has a legitimate interest in talking to me, and we have something in common, I'm all for talking to anyone.  It just seems like so many guys who approach me have not interest in me as a person.  u know?  I allow it to affect the way I interact with strangers.  I put up this wall, where I'm rude, curt, and respond with one-word answers and no eye contact.  And then I don't bother to go out again.  I don't know what I'm saying.  Just rambling I guess.