Selfishness

I don't feel like I have anything to say, and I'd rather just read my novel.  It's getting really exciting.  But I'm committed to recovery, and I didn't write yesterday, so I'm sure there's something swirling uncomfortably in my head.  I'm feeling a little guilty about not doing anything meaningful.  My roommate suggested recently that I get a job...like a part time normal job to pay bills between real jobs.  I'd like to be a fire fighter.  I kinda feel like I still need the time to process and rest, but I'm also feeling a little selfish.  ok...really selfish.  and I feel full.  and I ate a protein bar!  Holy crap.  did you see that?  How interesting!  I touch on a very personal/hurtful topic (selfishness), and immediately distract myself by criticizing my food choices and fullness of my belly!  If that isn't a perfect example of how eating disorders prevent us from facing the real issues in our lives, tell me what is.  Ha ha.  Now that i've identified how uncomfortable I am with the topic of selfishness, I have to try to deal with it.  I don't want to.  I do feel selfish.  I have felt bad about it since the day my mom dropped me off at college.  I don't remember what I had done, but it was the last dinner we had together before she left, and she was crying.  I tried to comfort her, saying that I'd call, and I'd be back for the holidays, and then she said something that stuck with me.  She's one of the most thoughtful, generous, caring, people I know.  She NEVER says cruel words with intent to hurt.  Nor will she voice her own pain just to get it off her chest.  She'll suffer with it, unless it's something that you need to hear for your own good.  "I'm not crying because you're leaving.  I'm crying because I can't believe how selfish you are."

After that, i began to notice how selfish my behavior was, and made efforts to appear less selfish, but only so far as I could without interfering with what I wanted.  When I realized that I was basically not willing to change it, I accepted that I was innately selfish, and therefore a bad person, pretending to be good.  

I don't know if that's changed at all in recovery.  I definitely think of myself first, and do service because I'm aware that it somehow improves MY recovery.  I can't be healthy without reaching out and helping others, so I do...after I've taken care of myself.  And I know that's how it's supposed to work.  Fasten your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs.  You can't give away what you don't have.  but I still feel like a jerk.  I wish I could say I was taking care of myself first so that I could serve some higher purpose for others, but that's really not at the forefront of my mind.  I'm helping myself, because that's what I instinctively think about first.  Me.  me me me me me.  Oh wait, I'm having trouble taking care of me.  I better do something for others so that I can be healthy enough to get back to what's really important.  ME!  What a freakin' jerk!  and I know.  that's not a nice way to talk to myself.  it's not like I respond well to that anyway.

sigh.  I do have to remember not to get so caught up in the black and white thinking that I'm either good or bad.  I am selfish, but let's be fair.  I also feel really good when I can do something to help my friends.  In fact, it's only a very small percentage of the time that I help someone because I feel obligated.  Most of the time, I get really excited about being able to make a difference in someone else's life.  I would like to get a part time job where I could do more of that, but I'm not sure how.  I've always liked the idea of being a personal trainer, and that's something I'm already qualified for.  It's just that I have such a hard time taking the initiative to go looking for that sort of job when just that much effort in the direction of my career would probably book be a few jobs right off the bat.  Sometimes I feel like I use ED and recovery as an excuse to be lazy - to neglect my responsibilities.  

So what's the solution?

I guess....

I need to pray for the willingness to take initiative, the insight and awareness to see the way of my highest good, the responsibility to choose that path, whether I like it or not, and to be relieved of the bondage of self.  Going with the flow doesn't just mean sitting back and coasting aimlessly.  It means finding the rhythm of life and the universe.  It means letting go of control when things are progressing smoothly on their own.  It means accepting the things I can not change, but keeping my eyes open for new opportunities so that when they arise, I have the awareness and the courage to seize them.