Turbulance

I feel borderline miserable right now.  maybe that's not the right word...tumultuous?  And I don't really want it to pass.  Sure, I could curl up in bed and cry it out, but I don't want it to just go away.  I feel like I have so many confusing thoughts and emotions churning through me, and they're just going to keep bursting out of me incoherently until I organize them and figure them out.  I know...emotions don't necessarily have to be "figured out", but this feels like it does.  Maybe that's just my screwey instincts, but I'm at least going to attempt it.  if it works, great.  my instincts were right.  and if I run in circles confusing myself, then I guess I will have learned through my own experience that emotions don't have to be figured out.

It all comes back to surrender.  It's always a hard concept to adopt.  Who wants to give up their right to control their lives and the universe?  I guess the key is that we never had control to begin with.  We're just giving up the illusion.  But what about the things we DO have control over?  Because we do have the power to make decisions - to say specific things, take certain actions... And what if someone older and more experienced is willing to guide you in those choices - to teach and direct - to point out errors in thought - concepts you've been missing - to give you what you need, rather than what you want - to make you do the things you've been putting off that will make you a better person.  Are they more able to direct your life than you are yourself?  Do they really know better?  Even if they are all knowing (which obviously they're not.  no one's perfect, but they may have much more time and experience than you) , then is it ever wise to hand over responsibility of your life to another person?  I guess I'm putting this too much into terms of absolutes, and maybe it's a good idea as a temporary arrangement in just one aspect of life: the physical exercise that he is teaching me - the training he's been doing successfully for 64 years, has won like 7 world championships at, and has trained 25 other world champions.  The results speak for themselves.  He obviously know more than I do, and can teach me far more than I can learn by making it up myself, but he doesn't want me to turn over ONLY my training and exercise to him.  He wants me to learn the way he did.  He called his coach "master", and literally turned his will and life over to him.  His entire purpose in life was to carry out his master's wishes.  I'm totally not into that.  My higher power is NOT another human being.  I tried that already, and I'm still not 100% over it.  I'm just too willful to let some other human being determine my destiny.  And there's the dicotomy that I'm struggling with.  It's certainly true that no human can be my higher power, but isn't my willfulness the very core of my problem?  the whole reason I'm in program?  And doesn't God put certain people in our lives at the right time to teach us the things we need to learn?  When I latch onto certain words that he uses, and shut down, I get angry and frustrated, but when I can listen with an open mind, I see how much is to be gained by surrendering.  Like today:  I was crying my eyes out, because he kept yelling at me (and now that I think about it, he wasn't really yelling that much.  it was more like reprimanding and lecturing).  He would give me a correction that I didn't understand; I'd try to ask a question, but get yelled at for opening my mouth; I would execute the wrong move, because I didn't know what he wanted me to do; and then he would yell at me for not trusting him, and for holding onto my own ways.  "Your way is wrong, but you keep clinging to it because it's comfortable.  When are you going to let go?  When are you going to understand that I know how to fix you, and trust?"  I knew that!  I know I'm doing it wrong!  It's NOT comfortable.  I totally trust that he knows what he's talking about, I just don't know what the heck he's saying!  and sometimes when I do understand, my body just doesn't make the connection, and I can't execute it yet.  I get frustrated and cry because HE doesn't understand.  ...but maybe he does.  we talked a little afterwards, and he said he understood that.  "Sometimes you don't understand, so you can't do what I ask, but sometimes you DO understand, and still can't do it.  Sometimes you DON'T understand, but you do it right anyway by accident.  You just have to do what I say.  Feel it.  Right now, you don't know the right way when you do it.  We have to try lots of ways until you get it right, and I'm here to tell you when you DO get it right, so you can learn that feeling, and replicate it."  When I think about it in the moment, I get mad, because I feel like his approach to teaching is inefficient and wastes time.  I don't learn well this way, and we could get so much more done if he taught me the way I want to be taught.  But what if I think of this as life training?  If someone is willing to teach me, is it not their right to teach me in their own way?  And whether it's right or not, if someone's been doing something the same way for 64 years, do you really think they're going to change it for me?  Acceptance.  Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.  Certain things are going to happen that I can't control.  I can beat my head against the wall trying to make him do things my way, but that's really not going to get me anywhere.  I can leave because I don't want to put up with his methods.  Or... I can surrender my preconcieved notions of how things should be done, and try accepting the way they are being done.  He seems pretty certain that his way works, and honestly, he has some pretty convincing evidence to back it up.  Just because I don't like the way someone tells me something, doesn't mean I can't hear and apply what they're telling me.  If someone tells me in a rude and derogatory manner that the building is on fire and I must get outside immediately, would I disregard their warning because I didn't like their attitude?  No.  I would set aside the tone and the insults, and hear the message: The building is on fire.  Get out.  If I am unable to hear the essence of the message due to my own mental blocks, that is my fault as a person.  This is not to say that he has no faults in his method.  Nor am I tearing myself down for being unable to filter out the information effectively.  I'm just recognizing my potential for growth in that area.  The truth is that I have a lot to gain from this arrangement, but there are some practical reasons to keep my reservations.  I've only processed one side of this, and I'll have to come back to the other side later.  Or better yet, I could find my way onto the middle road!