Mad hurts

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!  I am soooo mad right now.  So mad and frustrated, AND my stomach hurts.  Someone told me last week that bulimia is the addiction she associates most with anger, and had never really felt that way.  During my bulimia, I was never in touch with my feelings enough to make that connection, but right now, I can feel it.  The combination of raging emotions, hiccups, and upset stomach makes buried parts of me scream for bulimia.  It's not like I'm going to throw up...I can't say I wouldn't be happy if it happened by accident, but I wouldn't even consider forcing it at this point.  But I do have to release the pressure some way, and I choose writing.  

I'm really frustrated with my current situation.  It's the same one that's been bothering me on and off since I left treatment: the fact that all of my favorite meetings are in orange county an hour away from my house, job, and gym.  and I don't have a car.  The reason it's coming up for me right now is because I've been trying for months and months to find friends here to carpool to my favorite tuesday meetings, and every now and then i find someone who is willing to consider it, but no one ever does.  I knew today would be the same, but I had no idea how I was going to make it work.  I considered a complex web of busses and hitching rides from multiple friends for different legs of the trip, but one girl here said she would be glad to try those meetings with me.  I was over joyed.  I could stop calling everyone in my phone book, and rest assured that I would get to both meetings and the party afterwards.  She called me 5 minutes before she was supposed to pick me up to say that she was too tired to go tonight.  (If you read this, please understand it's the situation-not you-that I'm mad at.)  We have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others, and I don't want anyone to take multiple hours out of their day just to drive me around if it's somewhere they don't want to go!  Ugh.  but I'm so frustrated that I can't go, and I have no idea how I'm going to get to the party afterwards.  If I leave now, I can still make it, but it's so cold, and I don't want to have to ride my motorcycle home at midnight when I can get a ride home with someone from the party, and I'm too emotional to be riding anywhere right now.  I hate when I do this.  I get so preoccupied or emotional that I can't breath right.  Tears fill up my eyes and I gasp for breath.  My chest just heaves like it's going to explode and a little girl keeps screaming "it's not fair!!!!"  I just can't focus on anything.  I just feel like I can't ever count on anyone.  ever.  Everyone always flakes out on everything.  and that's why i have to be able to do everything by myself and always be miserable and alone, and yes I'm over dramatizing, but I hate the world right now and I'm venting, so leave me alone!  ...lol...

I discovered a really quick way to get over things that are upsetting me when i was in NYC a few weeks ago.  I kinda made it up.  If I quickly vent all of my complaints in the most extremely overdramatic way possible, blaming all external sources, and playing the victim, I am able to hear how silly and childish I'm being.  When I try to hold it in, it all feels huge and insurmountable, but when I say it all out loud, making it all sound as bad as possible, I realize that even when I try to make it all sound worse than it is, it's still not all that bad.  then I can move on.  I'm actually kinda over it, and maybe even ready to find a new solution.