Live in the Moment

I just got a little overwhelmed. It's kinda funny. I was away for a while, and came back to realize how bored out of my mind I was with my daily routine. I realized how meaningless my life felt when all I'm doing is recovering (from eating disorders AND physical injuries), and waiting around for a job. I felt like I should be out there looking for work, but I just didn't feel up to it, and I could hardly keep up with my program stuff, so I didn't, and I felt awful about it. What could I do? I prayed... I prayed to accept myself and love myself as I am. I prayed for health and willingness to do whatever it took to get it. I prayed for a solution to my financial trouble in whatever form it may come. I prayed for the willingness to keep working my program, to go to meetings, to take care of myself, and express my needs, to be present, and assert myself, and to be authentically me. Last week, my prayers from months earlier (to be relieved of food obsession) were removed. I mustered up the willingness to ask my parents to send me some money to tide me over, with no idea of when I would be bringing in money again, but they sent everything I asked for, and I was taken care of for the time being. This week, I got hired for a day of work. That's big. It may be only a day, but it's the kind of thing where if I do it well, I'll be in front of all the right people to be working A LOT very soon. So that's great, right? Well, as long as I do it well, and don't get hurt. I've spent a long time trying to heal, and it would be devastating to mess it up now. Not to mention how bad it would make me look. Last night when my friend asked me to submit a picture for the job, I sent it in with some hesitation. I will have to run full speed, perform a trick I haven't done in 8 years, and crash. and do it again multiple times...possibly all day. That's basically my specialty, but can my injury take it? Well, after I sent in my info, I prayed. I trusted (and am trying to continue to trust) that God DOES have my best interests in mind. "If this is something that I can physically handle, and am ready for, please bring the opportunity to me, and if it's something I can't manage without breaking myself, please let this job fall into the capable hands of the person it is meant for." The choice of who this job went to was clearly out of my hands, and no amount of obsessing or finagling on my part could force the job to come to me. This prayer gave me that freedom from worrying about trying to get the job, and it helps a good bit now that I have the job...but doubt and fear have crept in a little. Actually now that I say that it seems a little silly. I know that I'm going to do the job to the best of my ability...yeah. I thought about that for a minute, and there's no way I'm turning down the job, nor will I even consider the idea of doing it halfway. So there's no point in worrying about if I should or shouldn't do it. There is no should or shouldn't. I'm going to do it and go all out, unless some strange twist of fate stops me, in which case, I'm obviously not meant to be there. Unfortunately, this doesn't mean that if I do it, I won't get hurt. It's entirely possible that I will, and to some extent, that's out of my hands, so there's no need to worry about that either. I will have 2 hours to practice tomorrow, and prepare as well as I can. ooh! I can look up some videos tonight to get some ideas, and visualize tonight! that's a good idea. That way I will be as prepared as possible.
Now, there's only one more aspect to consider...A person who might be there. Her name was mentioned, and she's the only person I know of who actually hates me. I have so much fear about seeing and interacting with her. I still need to do a lot of writing and talking on that topic to clear my mind about it. I can't control the way she feels about me. All I have to do is let go of the past, and live in the present. Yeah-of course, easier said than done. But If I can just figure out this one part, it will simplify things a lot...not just in this situation, but in every relationship I ever have. I know I hurt her, but I've done everything in my power to make amends. Just because I can't fix the situation doesn't mean I have to carry it with me all of the time. I'm afraid that if I am happy and friendly with her as if nothing ever happened, she will be mad that I don't feel bad enough for what I've done. but moping around with my tail between my legs doesn't do her any good, and it certainly doesn't help me! It is NOT my responsibility to demonstrate how guilty I feel about my mistake 24 hours/day so that she knows how much I regret hurting her. The problem is that I keep thinking I AM responsible for making her feel better. I have to accept that I really don't have any control over how she feels. Going over and over what behavior will help her accept me most is not the answer. The answer is to make the amends (which I did to the best of my ability), and then letting go of the past: living in the present. This idea is terrifying to me. It means not hiding from her if she's there. I just really don't know how she'll behave, but I guess being present allows me to adapt to that in the moment. If we come face to face, I will be polite, upbeat, and friendly. If she is withdrawn, and avoids me, I can accept that in the moment, she doesn't want to interact with me. That doesn't mean I ignore her...I think it just means that I stay out of her way, and devote more of my attention to other people. My roommates seem to do a good job of this. I've always felt like I have to carry negative feelings and events with me. If you yelled at me last time I saw you, I must behave as if you're yelling at me now. this simply isn't true. My roommate and I had a tense moment last night, and when I saw him this morning, i sorta tiptoed around him, thinking that the tension was still there. He greeted me with a tired but friendly good morning as if nothing had happened. It's not that he'd forgotten, it's just that he didn't carry it with him as I had. I immediately let it go, and the mood lifted. It's such a cool concept- living in the moment. I think I'm ready for this. : ) God's amazing... the way you get exactly what you can handle just when you're ready to take it on.