Dreams

I've been dreaming a lot lately...and not just random dreams.  They're all incredibly relevant and intense.  The 2 worst have been about the same real life event.  I'm back in a place I used to call home, but i'm not welcome there anymore.  I wasn't careful enough.  I trusted too much, and fell into a trap.  No one meant for anyone to get hurt, but they did, and I feel responsible.  I know there's nothing I can do now, but I ... it still hurts.  In my dream, I'm back in that place, doing what I've always done there, and suddenly someone asks me why i've been gone so long.  I remember why, and realize I shouldn't be there.  No one present knows, but they start guessing and trying to explain why i've been gone so long.  I get nervous, and unpack my lunch: a sandwich and rice.  Interesting that even in my dream, I eat over feelings, and curious that I would have rice.  I never have just rice.  It was dry and plain, and I spilled it all over the floor.  I ran off to get a broom and dust pan, but I HAD TO eat my sandwich.  I stopped to eat my meal in peace in my room, and looked around at all of my old stuff.  Most of it hadn't been moved, but the sticker with my name had been torn and peeled off the door.  It really started to dawn on me how much trouble I would be in if the man in charge showed up.  I slowly crept back to the main room to clean up the rice and get out of there, but as I turned a corner, I saw his hair sticking up behind the back of his tall revolving office chair.  OMG.  I was in so much trouble.  I couldn't get out without him seeing me, and I CAN'T talk to him!  What will he think if he sees me here!?  and that i spilled rice!?  that's so typical of me.  using his stuff, giving nothing of value in return, making a total mess of things, and then having no ability to clean it up.  I tried to sneak past when he left the room, and his secretary caught me.  We had a chat while I did some inverted sit ups (yeah, weird, huh?  well, not for me.)  But the secretary started asking questions and guessing very accurately at why I was banned from this place.  I began to waver in my responses when the boss returned...but it wasn't him.  It was his friend who for some reason had his hair done exactly like the boss.  Anyway.  that was it.

In the next dream, I was back there again, and I saw the girl who hates me.  Well, she told me she doesn't, and I apologized profusely, but I still believe she hates me.  She must.  In the dream she did.  In reality, neither of us want anyone to know what happened, and in the dream, I was relying on that fact to save me from humiliation, but she didn't care.  The second she saw me, she couldn't control her emotions.  The started screaming and cursing at me, telling me off for everything I had done to ruin her life in front of everyone.  It was awful.

I don't know if anyone has any inkling of what happened, but there are many people back there who I would like to work with.  They were role models to me, but I always felt like a nuisance to them - like I was in the way.  And i'm not imagining it.  The boss told me that most of the guys felt that way - that he was wasting time and money allowing me to be there.  I don't know if he was exaggerating, but...

I had to send an e-mail to some of those guys today, applying for a job.  Like I said.  I look up to them so much.  There are few people I'd rather work for.  But writing to them...trying to say something as a friendly greeting, but having to somewhat address the fact that I dissappeared off the face of the earth for a while...not easy.  The moment I hit send, my friend came over, and commented that I looked sick.  I'm not.  I just don't think I breathed while I spent 20 minutes stressing over the e-mail.  Finally, I gave up trying to say "the right things", and just sent it, before I could change my mind.  I kinda regret it now.  It could have been better written, and I'm not so sure I should have sent anything anyway.  I feel like they're going to write back and be like "you think there's a chance we'd even consider hiring you when there are bums and bimbos on the streets with more talent than you?  Not now that the boss isn't taking care of you.  we're not required by anyone to be civil to you."  I already planned my response for when they send that e-mail.  I was in acceptance of that possibility, until I realized a more horrifying thought.  what if they decide to hire me?  What if they go against their better judgement, and trust that I've been training and improving since they saw me last?  What if they give me one last chance, and I show up, and suck.  I've had so much to deal with (as anyone who's had ED treatment can tell you).  I've been on hiatus.  I've done remarkably well maintaining skills and strength considering the mass injuries AND full time recovery from ED, but not enough.  They're harder to impress than me, and if I looked at my progress from the outside without knowing the extenuating circumstances (and they CAN'T know)...I'd be disgusted.  I can just see them threatening "we're giving you ONE last chance.  If you suck now, don't ever contact us again."