Guilt

I feel AWFUL.  just terrible.  weak, powerless, bad, careless, inconsiderate, deceitful...I feel like a bad person.  The last time my roommate was out of town, she said I could use her car if I needed to.  I used it to run a few errands, pick up groceries and such.  And I remember this one time when I pulled into our tight little parking spot under the building, and I froze for a second.  Did I scrape the side of the car against the plastered post?  I wasn't sure.  I backed up, pulled into the spot.  I knew I had.  I must have.  I ran around to the side of the car to check, but didn't really see anything.  It was kinda dark, but no harm, no foul, right?

well a few weeks after she got back into town, she asked me about it.  "Did you scratch my car coming into the parking spot?  it lines up right where the post would be, and nobody else has driven my car."  

"I don't think so."  I said.  Thinking back, I began to question myself.  Then she showed me where the scratch was, and I knew.  "It must've been me then"  I said.  I didn't want her to think I'd lied about it initially, but i didn't want to lie about it now.  "It must have been.  If you want, I'll do whatever I have to do to pay for the repair." But the way I'd said it left some degree of doubt in her mind as to whether or not it was actually me, and she didn't want to charge me if I wasn't sure that I did it.  That's when I realized that I was pretty sure, but I couldn't say it.  I honestly don't know if she would bother getting it fixed anyway.  She has a lot of scratches all over her car, but one of them was from me.

I felt bad, but moved on.  She's out of town again, and since I drove her to the airport, she's letting me borrow the car again while she's gone.  I just did it again.  This time, I can see a big scratch.  So big in fact, that I again question whether I did it or not.  I was moving so slowly.  I heard it touch.  I know I left a mark, but not that big...?  Perhaps this one was already there, and I put another little tiny one on top of it?  Or maybe I'm a weapon of mass destruction to her car.  I'm terrified to tell her.  I feel terrible, and i don't want to lie or hide it.   I know how much those things hurt me.  But I don't know what to do.  I have no money right now.  I can't afford to pay for the groceries I bought last week.  

I guess my strategy for apologies and amends is usually to make up for it first if possible so that they can't be as upset when I tell the truth.  "I scratched your car, but I already took it in, touched it up, and had all of your previous scratches fixed while I was at it."  I hate being a burden, or irresponsible.  I don't want her to fear loaning things to me.  This sucks.  Because I know i have to be honest, but I don't have the means to fix it.