Why do we eat?  I think that there is actually a logical reason for everything we do.  Sometimes it seems crazy and completely pointless, but there's some perceived payoff when we eat, otherwise, we wouldn't do it.  When I'm craving food, I look at the clock.  Is it time for a meal?  Is it at all possible that I could be hungary?  Today, the answer was no.  On Sunday, with the french vanilla coffee, it was obvious.  My feelings were so painful and intense, that i wanted to numb them out for a while.  The cost is the calories, the sleeplessness, the bloating, and the stomach cramps that come with my allergic substances, but the benefit was that I could be emotionally comforted while I sipped vanilla sweetness.  I understood it at the time, and I made that choice.  But what was my reason for craving today?  There were no specific triggers.  The main thing has been discomfort with lack of action, but I have a to do list 10 miles long.  If I wanted action, wouldn't I have embarked more vigorously on those activities, found my achievement, and been happy?  Sometimes that works, but I really didn't want to do that today.  The things on my to do list aren't that fun.  They're not that easy either.  They're things I've been meaning to do for MANY months, but haven't been able to.  They're the kinda thing that requires a phone call, another phone call, waiting for a response, trying a different path, persuading someone, tracking them down, waiting...even if I addressed everything on my list, very little of it could actually be accomplished and checked off.  For whatever reason, I just didn't want to do this stuff.  But I couldn't schedule other things, because these things have to get done eventually, so I stayed home, intending to do them.  I found myself craving 2 things all day. 1. Food.  2. reading.  I wanted to lie around and get lost in my novel...again.  Just another way of checking out.  I didn't want to do my chores, but I can't deal with neglecting my responsibilities.  I couldn't consciously do that.  That would be irresponsible, lazy...So I ran to my book.  Granted, it's a good book, and I want to know what's going to happen next, but it's really serving as an escape from my mundane every day tasks, and my program of recovery.  It's a more acceptable way of putting things off.  And I get to feign accomplishment too.  "Once I finish this book, then I'll be able to get stuff done.  I just have to finish this first."  That way, I trick myself into feeling like I'm accomplishing something, while I'm really avoiding what needs to be done.  I have accomplished things today, and i've stuck to my food plan.  But I feel really empty and alone.  I'm not going to the OC meeting tonight.  I'll just go to the one closest to my house.  I had hoped to have a sleepover with a friend, but that doesn't look like it's going to work out.  It's not.  I guess that's why I keep getting so intrigued by the add for pizza popping up on my computer screen.  And an ice cream binge sounds so nice.  I am aware that I feel really lonely, and I don't want to be aware of that.  I'm instinctively trying to hide those feelings from myself.  I guess i have 2 better options.  Seek company or sit with my feelings.  Because the pizza isn't going to help.  Neither is ice cream.  And neither is sitting around reading to distract myself until my next abstinent meal, although sometimes that's the best I can do.

Here's a curious thought.  I could have called people to hang out with today.  I probably had a lot of options.  Why didn't I?  I said it was because I was going to orange county later today, and I would hang out with friends then, but I had to get things done first.  I was afraid that if someone came over or I made social plans, I wouldn't accomplish the things on my list.  Even though I stayed home to do these things, I stalled, and avoided them so long that I couldn't make plans for later, and never got around to anything.  I'm still doing the same thing now.  And I keep hoping that I'll take my work with me to a park or coffee shop or something.  Anything to get out of the ugly apartment, and be social, but I don't.  I need my ice, and my computer, and what if I forget something, and then can't get things done.  But I'm stuck in this dark messy room, and I'm still not getting very much done, and i'm missing out on life.  I guess I get pretty disappointed too when I actually make an effort like that and don't end up meeting amazing, interesting people.  So often, I get approached by weird guys who are just trying to hit on me.  If someone has a legitimate interest in talking to me, and we have something in common, I'm all for talking to anyone.  It just seems like so many guys who approach me have not interest in me as a person.  u know?  I allow it to affect the way I interact with strangers.  I put up this wall, where I'm rude, curt, and respond with one-word answers and no eye contact.  And then I don't bother to go out again.  I don't know what I'm saying.  Just rambling I guess.