For the past few days, I've had to take a little time off from my usual workout routine to heal. I know. Isn't it better yet? Apparently not, because every time I think i'm resting, turns out i'm not. So I've been staying home icing, and living from meal to meal. I finish the last bite of one meal, take note of the time at which I swallowed my last bite, and start the timer, so that I know the minute I can begin my next meal. I wouldn't dream of violating the meal plan or abstinence right now, but how long can one go on like that? It's not sober living. None of my meals were really sober. True: they followed my absurdly healthy meal plan to a T, but within each meal, I cut myself off from the world, and returned only to count the hours to the next meal. I realized that during the beginning phases of recovery I had to use the tools like crazy. I didn't have the option of filling my schedule with exciting activities to validate myself, and not able to cope with food, I had to talk and write, and really work the program. And I did. As I grew stronger in my recovery, I gradually had to add parts of my life and career back in. That includes a rigorous workout schedule, which goes beyond reason for most people. In recovery, I've been learning to love myself for who I am inside, but that's hard work! If I do cooler tricks and perform super human feats; if I excell and work harder and longer than everyone else, than I can just like myself for that! I don't even have to know who I am, what I like...I don't have to know if I demonstrate integrity, humility, acceptance, if I'm a good friend...I don't have to connect with other people...With the crutch of excellance in work and exercise, I can like myself without doing any of the work of getting to know myself and be authentic. No wonder it's been my strategy for so long! It's taken me a few days to get that clarity. And when I feel that obsession, the answer is not to simply distract myself with whatever activity I can persuade myself to do at the moment. It will get me through to my next meal, but the gaping hole is still there. Remember: it's a spiritual hunger. Not a physical hunger. Food can't fill it, so find the solution. Today, I had a novel idea. Actually, it was my sponsor. She told me to read page 15 in the big book. But it was almost time for lunch, so I stalled for 15 minutes and ate lunch. But that didn't help. I just wanted another lunch. So I tried distracting myself for a while, before I finally realized what I used to do when faced with these cravings. I would sit down and write. Well this time, I read. I pulled out my big book, and within a few paragraphs, I was feeling better. My focus shifted. I called a friend who has been struggling, and we read together. The time passed quickly, and although it was time for my next meal, I was more interested in accomplishing some of the tasks on my to do list. I did some e-mails, made some phone calls, and went inside for dinner, but noticed that I wasn't hungary. So I'm writing. And I'm really glad.
I feel like it's time for a refresher course in recovery. I'm taking a few days off from the gym, and I want to spend them immersed in my favorite orange county meetings.
thursday night-7pm-Laguna Hills
Friday morning 10am - Costa Mesa
Saturday 9 am -Laguna Hills
What am I going to do inbetween? How am I going to get there without aggrivating my knee? where will I sleep? I don't know. I have no idea. Hopefully I'll get the initiative to figure it out, and ask for help. Crap. I'm working on Friday night. I forgot. I can still do all of those meetings though. eh- ok. i'll work on it.
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