Get a Life

What does it mean to have a life?  I'm still not really sure, but as I get little glimpses of it, I will try to add to the list.  These are the examples that I've taken note of recently.

-getting together at a coffee shop to spend time catching up with a friend rather than to have coffee with milk and sweetner

-resting on a mountain top with a beautiful, and taking time to be with myself and nature.  feeling the sun on my skin and the wind in my hair.  Just being, and not worrying about how many things I have to do, or what I could be accomplishing if I didn't "have to wait here".

-dancing and acting crazy, and not worrying what other people think of you

-laughing at a joke, even if you don't know what others will think of you for laughing at it (this allowed me to connect with the person who made the joke)

-joking on friendly terms with the guy who was irritated with me for laughing at it.  (normally, I would have been afraid this would make him even madder, and I would have apologized, and slunk away.  My new, less inhibited reaction allowed me to connect with him as well, giving me 2 new friends and freedom from inhibitions)  

Telling my truth sends out an energy that attracts people who like me (or will once they get to know me).  It also repels those who wouldn't like me anyway.  Keeping things bottled up prevents me from offending anyone, but also from letting anyone get close to me.  It may not lose friends, but it never attracts them to me to begin with.  I wound up being neutral aquaintences with everyone, but being truly connected to No One.  No wonder I always felt like an outsider.

-being able to contact a friend I used to date, and not worry about what he will think this means.  I can trust that I will be true to myself, express my intentions clearly, and not allow myself to be compromised by anyone else.

-Being able to connect on some level with anyone I meet, and accept them for exactly who and what they are.  To enjoy whatever company I am in.

-To choose the friends that I most enjoy being with, and make an actual effort to spend time with them.  I don't have to worry that other people (who I don't like as much) will think I'm showing favoritism.  And I don't have to isolate from my friends in order to always do what I want to do.  

-to hang out with a guy or go on a first date without stressing about "what if he likes me more than I do, and I just want to be friends, and then I have to say something, and it gets awkward, and we can't even be friends anymore?"

What Elements are You?

Your Element Is Earth

You excel at planning and strategizing. You could be a champ at chess or Survivor. Well grounded, you are able to be realistic and rationalize. On the inside, you have a hard core. It's tough to phase you. You are super productive, and you are able to think anything through. Focused and super charged, your instincts are a good guide for your next step.

Your Love Element Is Fire

In love, you are a true listener and totally present. For you, love is all about feeling more alive than you've ever felt. You attract others with your joy and passion. Your flirting style is defined by your strong ability to communicate. Fun and play are the cornerstones of your love life. And while your flame may burn too brightly, it's part of your appeal. You connect best with: Wood Avoid: Water You and another Fire element: will likely burn out quickly

I feel like such a nerd when I do these silly online quizzes, but I think they're a fun way to start asking questions and learning about myself and who I am.  It helps me think outside the box in considering my approach to life.  Also, a month or 2 ago, I was talking to the guy I was seeing about how people can usually be defined by 2 elements.  One is primary, and the other secondary.  We may have traces of a third, but the others will make little sense to us.  I asked him to tell me what I was, but he made me walk through the meanings and find out for myself.  

Ka

Fire is passion.  intensity.  ambition.  It latches onto something, and consumes it to its end, driving towards the finish.  So long as it has fuel, or something to strive for, it will grow stronger and stronger, but if those resources are exhausted, it dies out.  With nothing to conquer, fire cannot exist.  火 Ka or hi, meaning "Fire", represents the energetic, forceful, moving things in the world. Animals, particularly predators, capable of movement and full of forceful energy, are primary examples of kaobjects. Bodily, ka represents our metabolism and body heat, and in the mental and emotional realms, it represents drive and passion. ka can be associated with motivation, desire, intention, and an outgoing spirit. Besides the obvious examples of heat and flame, lightning can also be thought of as an extension of Ka.

Before I had identified what elements I thought I was, our dinner was served, and I realized I didn't feel like eating.  I explained how I feel like I have reverse homeostasis.  So long as I stay right in the middle, I am uninspired, disinterested, and completely willing to follow whatever foodplan is suggested.  Once I step outside towards either extreme (hunger or fullness), I am suddenly compelled to barrel forwards full throttle.  The fuller I get, the more I want to eat, and the longer I go without eating, the more enthusiasticly I resist food.  Burning uncontrollably until all resources have been extinguished.  I certainly identify with fire, probably more than any other element.  Once I get my sights set on a goal, I am driven to do nothing but that.  Stagnance is death.  I am energetic, passionate, and forceful with everything I do.

Chi

地 Chi (sometimes ji) or tsuchi, meaning "Earth", represents the hard, solid objects of the world. The most basic example of chi is in a stone. Stones are highly resistant to movement or change, as is anything heavily influenced by chi. In people, the bones, muscles and tissues are represented by chi. Emotionally, chi is predominantly associated with stubbornness, stability, physicality, and gravity. In the mind, it is confidence; and emotionally it is a desire to have things remain as they are; a resistance to change. When under the influence of this chi mode or "mood", we are aware of our own physicality and sureness of action.

Earth was described to me as structure and rigidity.  You can rely on earth to be on time, every time without fail.  Schedule, routine, organization.  Earth people tend to be very efficient, because they have found a pattern that works, practiced it, adjusted it to fit themselves, and settled into it.  They stick to it because it works for them.  There is strength in such a practiced, perfected technique, but it's very predictable to enemies, and crumbles when outside circumstances change, and earth cannot or will not adapt.

This was the first definition I identified as me when I heard what they meant.  I have come to believe that I am by nature, fire, but have felt the disastrous effects of living soley on unbridled passion.  My fits and childish moodswings were unbearable for me and those around me.  I gradually learned to compensate for my wild passionate nature by enforcing extreme structure.  Petrified of losing control, i implemented constant activities, deadlines, rules, bedtimes, and jam-packed schedules to keep me in line.  I became dependent on my structure, and defined myself by it.  Fearing the fire, I bottled it all up, until it exploded, making me fear it more, and enforce even stricter adherence to rigid structure.

Sui

水 Sui or mizu, meaning "Water", represents the fluid, flowing, formless things in the world. Outside of the obvious example of rivers and the like, plants are also categorized under sui, as they adapt to their environment, growing and changing according to the direction of the sun and the changing seasons. Blood and other bodily fluids are represented by sui, as are mental or emotional tendencies towards adaptation and change. sui can be associated with emotion, defensiveness, adaptability, flexibility, suppleness, and magnetism.

This type of person goes with the flow.  It is consistent in its own way.  It may not come on time, or when you expect it, but it will always get there.  It has no shape of its own, but can adapt to fill any container.  Water is creative.  People can take something that already exists, and add a new twist to make something beautiful or amazing like nothing we've ever seen.

Water sounds really cool to me - like the way to be.  I like to think that I'm easy going, but that tends to be true only when I set aside time in my schedule to be exceptionally spontaneous, and if someone else's suggestion doesn't appeal to me, I'll figure out what I really wanted them to suggest, and probably go do it by myself.  I'm really good at going with the flow when the flow happens to go exactly where I want it to ,which means...I don't go with the flow.  lol.  I'm practicing, and seem to be getting a lot better at it.  I really admire people who can see changing circumstances and adapt quickly.  I don't seem to improvise well, unless I've practiced each of the individual parts in som many infinite combinations that I've already done every possibility. well that's not entirely true.  In choreography and performance it tends to be true, but in building, engineering, cooking, and making due with what's available, and directions, and adventures, I actually improvise very well! And I like creating/tweaking things to suit my needs.  I often alter my clothes to suit me, and adapt the words of songs to fit my life.

Fū

風 Fū or kaze, meaning "Wind", represents things that grow, expand, and enjoy freedom of movement. Aside from air, smoke, and the like, fū can in some ways be best represented by the human mind. As we grow physically, we learn and expand mentally as well, in terms of our knowledge, our experiences, and our personalities. Fū represents breathing, and the internal processes associated with respiration. Mentally and emotionally, it represents an "open-minded" attitude and carefree feeling. It can be associated with will, elusiveness, evasiveness, benevolence, compassion, and wisdom.  Air tends to be creative genious - the kind who can create something completely new out of absolutely nothing.

This is the one I have the most trouble understanding.  It comes and goes on its own time.  It's here one instant, and gone the next.  Extremely powerful, or nothing at all.  The best example that was given to me is a guy who is fast and explosive, extremely light on his feet, and full of aerial tricks.  I have a hard time remembering any real conversations with him, simply because all of his statements are isolated thoughts with no apparent structure.  They appear, and then they're gone.  He has a huge house, with wide open space, sparse furnishings, and few decorations.  I don't quite get it, but I love the concept.

Dream Analysis Frog-Squirrell

I was just reading "eating in the light of the moon" again - the chapter about dreams, and their metaphoric language.  I'll write about the most recent one I can remember.

  My roommates are in the market to buy a house, and have offered to let me rent a bedroom when they find one.  In the dream, they found a 2 bedroom house that had a garage sort of addition on the first floor, which they kinda wanted to use for an office or gym, but were going to let me use it for a bedroom.  I like it though.  It had slanted lofty ceilings, and old wooden walls painted light green.  it had an old country feel to it.  It was long and narrow, and had a wide opening to the living room, with no doors.  I think the living room had a fire place, and...there were 2 living rooms.  Everything else was upstairs - the other 2 bedrooms and the laundry rooms.  I don't remember there being any other rooms.  Maybe there were.  I just can't picture any of them.  There was a nice front step, side walk, and a big tree in the small front yard.

So, I do feel a little left out that they're buying together, and i'm not in on the decision.  I mean, it's fitting since they're brother and sister, but I am still odd man out, only loosely included in the extra tack on room.  Still it's nice that they want me there, and in the dream, I was really excited to be included.  It seems almost too literal to be symbolic!  but i have to think outside the box.  The location reminded me of a lot of places: my grandparents house, my old wooden garage, a ramshackle club house, Camber's house, and a typical apartment.  A house represents home - home base - comfort, safety, foundation, somewhere to keep your stuff, come back to, have friends and family visit...I haven't had a real home for a long time.  I've been wanting to buy a house for a while.  I think this dream brings to light the desire for a home that I've been feeling for quite some time.  In the dream, I was on the verge of getting it, and it was a combination of many past definitions of my home, but it wasn't really mine.  I think that's maybe the way I'm feeling about program?  Home is where your friends are.  I have finally collected a group of people with whom I share a strong common bond "like survivors of a shipwreck", and can talk to.  It feels a lot like home sometimes.  But sometimes it feels like it's not really mine.  Like...We don't really live and do things together.  We meet once or twice a week, and pay to be there, and we talk on the phone, and everyone else hangs out together between meetings, but I'm too far away, and don't get to be a part of it in real life.  They invite me in on rent, but I don't get to be an owner.  And I'm grateful for the time there, but there's still an emptiness where I don't feel really like a part.

We were going to sleep over to try out the house to make sure we liked it.  I was in the living room watching a small gray shadow creature scampering on the walls by the ceiling and fireplace chimney.  It was some kind of frog-squirrel, shape shifting constantly.  It was fascinating.  It came closer, and closer, and it was making me nervous.  I kinda swatted it away, and it bit me.  I swung harder at it, and it became more vicious, biting and scratching, until I killed it.  It wasn't messy, but it wasn't really dead.  It was only pissed.  I realized that there were several of them running around the house, I didn't know how to kill them, and they were all mad.  I ran outside to tell my roomies, but I couldn't seem to express it.  We couldn't stay over night, because they were probably going to tear us to shreds.  We probably couldn't even buy the house, but I couldn't seem to tell them.  I was really scared, and wished I hadn't pissed the creatures off, but I didn't know what to do.

What could the creature represent?  Eating disorder?  Self Doubt?  Isolation?  Animalistic nature?  hmmm maybe the desire for a consistent home - the committment to stay in one place.  I've been moving around so much, hardly keeping the same address for even 6 months for the past 7 years!  I want a home so badly, but I'm scared to comit to a location.  what if it is inconvenient?  what if I get a job or gym else where, and have a long commute?  what if things change, and I want to live somewhere else?  If I lock myself into a home and commit to stay there, I'll be trapped and plagued by my hasty decision...although we weren't making a hasty decision.  I wasn't making the decision at all.  I was (oh-oh- this could be it) i was stuck with the choice: do I sacrifice control of where we live, in what vacinity, who gets what room, bills, payments, and all housing matters in order to continue living with my friends?  This is also a bigger theme that I'm struggling with right now.  I've controlled my time and schedule so meticulously for so long, only doing that which is productive.  Sacrificing no time for friends.  Lately, I've been learning to let go of some of that, but how far do I let that go?  If I ignore my own voice and ambition which tells me exactly where I need to live or be, I get to be with my friends, but I get torn to shreds by a frog-squirrell.  And I think that just means that my ambition and drive to succeed on my own dies.  I have this irrational fear that if I do normal things like have friends and hang out, settle down, and have a home, my ambition to excell will fizzle out.  The other option is to leave my friends and be alone, but to continue to pursue what I want, but in the dream that wasn't an option, because I didn't know what I wanted yet.  In real life, I feel like I know exactly what I want, but do we ever really know what will make us happiest?  I know that having friends and pursuing  goals are not mutually exclusive, but they certainly don't always complement each other.  My sub-conscious mind is struggling to sort that out.  I'm gonna leave it at that for now.  there was a second, mostly unrelated part to that dream, that I will try to write about later.  Goodnight!

I'm working today, and there's been a lot of down time.  It's been a little hard, with the snack table right in front of me and nothing to do.  Plus, the food is so unbalanced.  it's all carbs and fatty snack food.  Normally, I don't eat breakfast when I'm working, because they have catering trucks with amazing buffets.  this one isn't as big, so I was thinking there would be less options.  maybe eggs.  but all they had was muffins and bagels.  the ONLY protein was cream cheese.  some choice!  and then most of my snacks throughout the day usually are little salads or wraps with chicken or turkey or something.  today it was cheese-its.  I don't feel good about it.  it's ok though.  and instead of hiding in my book, i've been hanging out in the middle of things, trying to stay present and connect with my boss and other workers.  it's been ok.  i've had some good chats, and learned some new things.  after lunch (finally, a good meal), I took a nap.  i wasn't needed.  i woke up to my phone ringing, and it was my boss from another job.  the only "steady" one I've had ...ever.  I've worked there for almost 2 years!  well, not consistently.  I'm hardly ever available to work there, so I'm there less than a month these days.  anyway, due to the economy, he has to drop some people off the roster, and I'm one of them.  I hardly considered it a job.  I'm not going to be financially hurt by it.  And on the phone, I did a good job of convincing him and myself that I wasn't at all bothered by it.  But (actually, I'm impressed with how quickly I came to acknowledge this)  I'm really sad to be leaving.  When I was first hired, I didn't take it seriously, but he told my group that this place was a family.  I actually scoffed at the idea, but for the past year and a half, that place has been home.  One of the safest, most loving places I've known.  One of my closest circles of friends is there...the only real group of friends I had before program.  And some of my very very best friends...I met them and got to know them there.  I trained and learned new skills there.  I never had a binge there.  They provided many many meals.  I slept there, and I still go back to visit almost weekly.  The attention and validation I got when I did my job were fantastic, and The hugs and greetings I get every time I walk in that door are so loving...I'm really really going to miss it.  I already do.  I had wanted to hold onto it, but I guess it's time to let go.  

Service with a Smile

Today, I saw my new friend engaging in the earliest behaviors of an eating disorder.  Nothing too serious right now...just hard core dieting and over exercising.  She's in the honeymoon phase where it all seems like a great idea, cuz it's working.  I was so scared for her, I couldn't focus on anything else most of the evening.  When we finished class, I would have kinda liked to go home and cook dinner and read, but instead, I asked her to go out to dinner with me.  We talked a lot about moderation rather than extremes, and I told her what I wish someone would have told me at the beginning of my eating disorder- the one thing that could have stopped me.  I wouldn't have cared about the physical damage it does to your throat, stomach, organs, teeth, that it stops certain body processes, or even the craziness and mental anguish.  The one thing that would have changed my mind was that in the long run, it DOES NOT WORK.  The whole point is to lose weight, and my eating disorder caused me to gain weight.  She was really receptive to hearing it, and is still at a point where she may be able to be reasonable and rational.  I may be able to save her the trouble of getting farther into this.  What a wonderful thing to be able to do.  I was really excited about helping her.  I wasn't thinking about my own recovery, or service for the sake of service.  I really cared, and wanted to take time out of my schedule to reach out.

The fact that I was so into this-helping her if I can- makes me feel a lot better about myself as a person too.  Maybe I'm not quite as selfish as I thought...maybe.

Selfishness

I don't feel like I have anything to say, and I'd rather just read my novel.  It's getting really exciting.  But I'm committed to recovery, and I didn't write yesterday, so I'm sure there's something swirling uncomfortably in my head.  I'm feeling a little guilty about not doing anything meaningful.  My roommate suggested recently that I get a job...like a part time normal job to pay bills between real jobs.  I'd like to be a fire fighter.  I kinda feel like I still need the time to process and rest, but I'm also feeling a little selfish.  ok...really selfish.  and I feel full.  and I ate a protein bar!  Holy crap.  did you see that?  How interesting!  I touch on a very personal/hurtful topic (selfishness), and immediately distract myself by criticizing my food choices and fullness of my belly!  If that isn't a perfect example of how eating disorders prevent us from facing the real issues in our lives, tell me what is.  Ha ha.  Now that i've identified how uncomfortable I am with the topic of selfishness, I have to try to deal with it.  I don't want to.  I do feel selfish.  I have felt bad about it since the day my mom dropped me off at college.  I don't remember what I had done, but it was the last dinner we had together before she left, and she was crying.  I tried to comfort her, saying that I'd call, and I'd be back for the holidays, and then she said something that stuck with me.  She's one of the most thoughtful, generous, caring, people I know.  She NEVER says cruel words with intent to hurt.  Nor will she voice her own pain just to get it off her chest.  She'll suffer with it, unless it's something that you need to hear for your own good.  "I'm not crying because you're leaving.  I'm crying because I can't believe how selfish you are."

After that, i began to notice how selfish my behavior was, and made efforts to appear less selfish, but only so far as I could without interfering with what I wanted.  When I realized that I was basically not willing to change it, I accepted that I was innately selfish, and therefore a bad person, pretending to be good.  

I don't know if that's changed at all in recovery.  I definitely think of myself first, and do service because I'm aware that it somehow improves MY recovery.  I can't be healthy without reaching out and helping others, so I do...after I've taken care of myself.  And I know that's how it's supposed to work.  Fasten your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs.  You can't give away what you don't have.  but I still feel like a jerk.  I wish I could say I was taking care of myself first so that I could serve some higher purpose for others, but that's really not at the forefront of my mind.  I'm helping myself, because that's what I instinctively think about first.  Me.  me me me me me.  Oh wait, I'm having trouble taking care of me.  I better do something for others so that I can be healthy enough to get back to what's really important.  ME!  What a freakin' jerk!  and I know.  that's not a nice way to talk to myself.  it's not like I respond well to that anyway.

sigh.  I do have to remember not to get so caught up in the black and white thinking that I'm either good or bad.  I am selfish, but let's be fair.  I also feel really good when I can do something to help my friends.  In fact, it's only a very small percentage of the time that I help someone because I feel obligated.  Most of the time, I get really excited about being able to make a difference in someone else's life.  I would like to get a part time job where I could do more of that, but I'm not sure how.  I've always liked the idea of being a personal trainer, and that's something I'm already qualified for.  It's just that I have such a hard time taking the initiative to go looking for that sort of job when just that much effort in the direction of my career would probably book be a few jobs right off the bat.  Sometimes I feel like I use ED and recovery as an excuse to be lazy - to neglect my responsibilities.  

So what's the solution?

I guess....

I need to pray for the willingness to take initiative, the insight and awareness to see the way of my highest good, the responsibility to choose that path, whether I like it or not, and to be relieved of the bondage of self.  Going with the flow doesn't just mean sitting back and coasting aimlessly.  It means finding the rhythm of life and the universe.  It means letting go of control when things are progressing smoothly on their own.  It means accepting the things I can not change, but keeping my eyes open for new opportunities so that when they arise, I have the awareness and the courage to seize them.

Meaningful Life

I started grasping this concept of having a life this evening during my share.  It's something about connecting with people and being authentic and in the moment.  It was like sunday night when I had a few hours to kill and no where to be.  I had quantatative productive work that I could use to fill the time.  that's what I wanted to do, but a guy asked me to go have a beer with him.  I don't drink, but I took the opportunity to practice socializing.  He had a beer, and we hung out.  Normally that would sound like torture.  I still can't intellectually grasp how it enriches my life to spend time with people doing nothing productive, but it did.  we talked about a crazy vietnam war vet he used to have for a coach who's as psycho as mine.  He told me about downhill mountain racing, which apparently has the most devastating wipeouts EVER, and I explained adventure racing to him.  we decided to make a team, and hold auditions for our navigator.  We'll post an add on craigslist, and tape the audition which will probably have no applicants.  it was just silliness, and it was more memorable and fulfilling than doing the same training, studying, or paperwork that I always do to validate myself.  Other ways I've been connecting today:

-friendly debate about 12 step programs and higher powers

-singing lion king songs in car with Cri

-listening

-screaming in the driveway

-staring contest with Am

-singing I'm too Sexy with Cri

-opera singing

-gulping like frogs and practicing cockney accents with Jp

-Joking with pirates

So i think what's important about this is that all the past weeks of training - good and bad - they all run together.  No matter how much I accomplish, none of it fills the hole I'm trying to fill with exercise and food.  But this stuff does.  I need human connection, whether I understand why or not.

Anonymous

I love when you guys post comments.  Seriously.  It means a lot to me.  But can you make sure that you NEVER mention my name?  On the off chance that someone from work came by it, I would hate for my name to pop up somewhere.  thanks!

Dreams

I've been dreaming a lot lately...and not just random dreams.  They're all incredibly relevant and intense.  The 2 worst have been about the same real life event.  I'm back in a place I used to call home, but i'm not welcome there anymore.  I wasn't careful enough.  I trusted too much, and fell into a trap.  No one meant for anyone to get hurt, but they did, and I feel responsible.  I know there's nothing I can do now, but I ... it still hurts.  In my dream, I'm back in that place, doing what I've always done there, and suddenly someone asks me why i've been gone so long.  I remember why, and realize I shouldn't be there.  No one present knows, but they start guessing and trying to explain why i've been gone so long.  I get nervous, and unpack my lunch: a sandwich and rice.  Interesting that even in my dream, I eat over feelings, and curious that I would have rice.  I never have just rice.  It was dry and plain, and I spilled it all over the floor.  I ran off to get a broom and dust pan, but I HAD TO eat my sandwich.  I stopped to eat my meal in peace in my room, and looked around at all of my old stuff.  Most of it hadn't been moved, but the sticker with my name had been torn and peeled off the door.  It really started to dawn on me how much trouble I would be in if the man in charge showed up.  I slowly crept back to the main room to clean up the rice and get out of there, but as I turned a corner, I saw his hair sticking up behind the back of his tall revolving office chair.  OMG.  I was in so much trouble.  I couldn't get out without him seeing me, and I CAN'T talk to him!  What will he think if he sees me here!?  and that i spilled rice!?  that's so typical of me.  using his stuff, giving nothing of value in return, making a total mess of things, and then having no ability to clean it up.  I tried to sneak past when he left the room, and his secretary caught me.  We had a chat while I did some inverted sit ups (yeah, weird, huh?  well, not for me.)  But the secretary started asking questions and guessing very accurately at why I was banned from this place.  I began to waver in my responses when the boss returned...but it wasn't him.  It was his friend who for some reason had his hair done exactly like the boss.  Anyway.  that was it.

In the next dream, I was back there again, and I saw the girl who hates me.  Well, she told me she doesn't, and I apologized profusely, but I still believe she hates me.  She must.  In the dream she did.  In reality, neither of us want anyone to know what happened, and in the dream, I was relying on that fact to save me from humiliation, but she didn't care.  The second she saw me, she couldn't control her emotions.  The started screaming and cursing at me, telling me off for everything I had done to ruin her life in front of everyone.  It was awful.

I don't know if anyone has any inkling of what happened, but there are many people back there who I would like to work with.  They were role models to me, but I always felt like a nuisance to them - like I was in the way.  And i'm not imagining it.  The boss told me that most of the guys felt that way - that he was wasting time and money allowing me to be there.  I don't know if he was exaggerating, but...

I had to send an e-mail to some of those guys today, applying for a job.  Like I said.  I look up to them so much.  There are few people I'd rather work for.  But writing to them...trying to say something as a friendly greeting, but having to somewhat address the fact that I dissappeared off the face of the earth for a while...not easy.  The moment I hit send, my friend came over, and commented that I looked sick.  I'm not.  I just don't think I breathed while I spent 20 minutes stressing over the e-mail.  Finally, I gave up trying to say "the right things", and just sent it, before I could change my mind.  I kinda regret it now.  It could have been better written, and I'm not so sure I should have sent anything anyway.  I feel like they're going to write back and be like "you think there's a chance we'd even consider hiring you when there are bums and bimbos on the streets with more talent than you?  Not now that the boss isn't taking care of you.  we're not required by anyone to be civil to you."  I already planned my response for when they send that e-mail.  I was in acceptance of that possibility, until I realized a more horrifying thought.  what if they decide to hire me?  What if they go against their better judgement, and trust that I've been training and improving since they saw me last?  What if they give me one last chance, and I show up, and suck.  I've had so much to deal with (as anyone who's had ED treatment can tell you).  I've been on hiatus.  I've done remarkably well maintaining skills and strength considering the mass injuries AND full time recovery from ED, but not enough.  They're harder to impress than me, and if I looked at my progress from the outside without knowing the extenuating circumstances (and they CAN'T know)...I'd be disgusted.  I can just see them threatening "we're giving you ONE last chance.  If you suck now, don't ever contact us again."

There were a lot of memorable moments tonight.  Really nice high points.  Lots of lulls in between, and lots of discomfort in social situations, but I feel like I got to really see God working in my life.  

My friend that was driving to an event missed the exit on the freeway, because we were having a conversation about Quads.  He needs to learn to ride them.  We had to turn around twice to find our exit, but in that process, we passed a truck towing 2 quads, and I rolled down the window to ask them (on the freeway, yelling at the top of my lungs and signing wildly) if they could teach us to ride.  "Now!?" they asked. "No!  Tomorrow!"  I said.  Then they gave me their phone number, and I called and left a message for them.  I don't know if we'll actually hear from them or ride, but it was crazy fun.  

Then I found out about this big hollywood party that i was supposed to go to for a job i worked on.  It could be a great networking opportunity, but I was afraid everyone would be wild and drunk, and I'd feel out of place, lonely, dejected, and not do a good job of networking anyway.  I just wanted to go home, read, and go to sleep.  But I went.  I got dressed up, and tried to gear up for the experience.  hardly anyone I knew was there, and I spent most of the time wandering around looking for people to talk to, but the first person I recognized (I admit, I don't remember his name) introduced me to his roommate, who ... you won't believe this.  He was a military guy.  He's pretty cute.  When he got out of the military, he realized that all of his training had caused him to be disconnected, and he took acting classes for personal growth.  Although he never intended to be an actor, he seems to be making a living at it, and is starring in a motorcycle movie, for which he will be training tomorrow.  Dirt bikes.  I told him how badly I'd been wanting to learn that stuff, and he invited me to come!  It's free.  Paid for by production, and they have all kinds of extra bikes around, and may need girls to ride too.  It was such a fortuitous meeting!  I was all fluttery and excited for the rest of the night.  I'm trying to analyze my feelings about it.  It's funny, because I think with most girls, the fluttery feeling would be because of the guy, and riding would be the bonus, but in all honesty, I think I'm the reverse.  I'm flattered and intrigued about the potential of getting to know a military guy who seems to have a lot in common with me, but the real excitement came from the chance to learn new skills.  Especially after my last post.  I've been feeling so worthless the past few days lying around doing nothing.  I wrote about how I define my self and my worth through physical activity, and have felt like a zombie without that in my life.  I had just resigned myself to a fate of nothingness until I could learn to recognize what else there is to live for.  I was expecting hard barren times.  Perhaps I shouldn't be riding yet...especially since that's what hurts me the most, but the sudden chance to learn something new and get that validation of doing something exceptional...it was like being alive again.  In the way that I've always known how.  As exciting as it is, I kinda feel like I committed to giving up my crutch and learning to stand on my own two feet, and immediately latched onto the same exact crutch when it was thrown my way.  I don't know.  Maybe the fires will prevent us from going tomorrow.  The roads are still closed now.  I guess I'll leave it up to God!

I had this thought last night.  I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and that my higher power is looking out for my best interests.  The series of 4 minor injuries last year around this time seriously interfered with my plans, but I was able to see that it was my body's way of telling me it was time to rest.  I wasn't taking care of myself or giving me the time I needed to recover on a daily basis.  This point was proven when they were immediately followed by a far more serious injury that knocked me off my feet.  I understood, but couldn't do it.  I am after all a compulsive over-exerciser, and that was my only strategy for preventing my compulsive overeating.  So when I refused to take the hint, I got hit with another injury that has baffled me.  It feels different, heals different, and no matter how well I think I'm protecting it while I work out, it's not getting the rest it needs to recover.  I feel like there were many reasons for this one.  Again- it was the final message about learning to take time off, but without being forced out of comission, I never would have been willing to remove myself from my regular training to seek treatment for my eating disorder.  I've been so confused and frustrated as to why it's lasted so long, but last night, it hit me.  God is doing for me what I couldn't do for myself, and someday I'll probably thank him for it, but right now I'm pissed.  I don't get to heal and return to full physical activity until I learn to live without it.  I have to know who I am and how to BE in the world without relying on skills and physicality to define me.

I was at a low point last night.  I was working, and was abusing my injury more than I have in several months.  I realized that probably the past 8 weeks of doing practically nothing, and the past few days of doing ABSOLUTELY nothing may have gone down the tubes because of the mediocre activity I was doing.  It was nothing spectacular.  I didn't feel like I did it well, but it was too much, and I was swollen within minutes of beginning.  It only got worse.  I couldn't even really enjoy the adrenaline or the workout because I was fighting tears.  I felt like the only way I'd ever be able to heal was if I was kryogenically frozen so that I could remain unconscious during the healing process.  Then I reconsidered, and decided some kind of anesthetic induced hybernation would be more effective.  I don't think the body heals when you're frozen.  All of my muscles would atrophy, but I'd probably lose a lot of weight.  Then I'd be healed and skinny.  I could rebuild the muscle.  I like doing that.  I know.  that's really sick, but that's what I felt.  It doesn't feel that far off from what the past month or 2 has been like anyway.  I feel like I'm just killing time until I can start "living" again.  because I don't know how to live without my physical ability.  I used to say that I would keep doing crazy things like bunji jumping and sky diving until I get so old and decrepit that it kills me, because once my body can't handle those things, what's the point of living?  I truly felt and believed that.  My opinion has changed only enough to know intellectually that there's something inherently wrong with that.  I have to learn to live for other things.  I have to know who I am.  Being in a coma won't fix that.  I feel like even with the perfect rest, perfect supplements, perfect medecine and treatment, my injury would never heal.  I feel like God gave it to me to force me to learn who I am.  Physical ability has served me well, but I rely too heavily on it, and God will not remove my injury and restore my ability until I learn to live.  I can do it like program: as quickly or as slowly as I want to, but it's not going to fix itself if I just wait around.  Last night, it felt like a miserable surrender, but today it feels a little more hopeful.  Like when I first went to OA.  I hated it, but if recovery was what I had to do to get thin, fine.  I'd do it.  But I began to see what recovery meant, and how it could change my life.  Then recovery became more important than physical results.  Right now, getting to know myself sounds interesting, but tedious, boring, painful, and really really HARD!  but I'm willing to do it if that's what it takes to get my legs back to full capacity.  Someday, my life will be of greater value to me than my physical strength and agility.  That's when they'll return.  At least that's what I think.  Which leaves me with the problem of ...wait no.  I'm still thinking of this the wrong way.  It's not just about how do I avoid harmful activities.  It's about how do I fill my life with meaningful non-harmful people and experiences.  That does sound better.  I just don't get the crutch of exercise.  I'm gonna try to look at it as an exciting challenge.  Where to start?  How about a 4th step.  

Guilt

I feel AWFUL.  just terrible.  weak, powerless, bad, careless, inconsiderate, deceitful...I feel like a bad person.  The last time my roommate was out of town, she said I could use her car if I needed to.  I used it to run a few errands, pick up groceries and such.  And I remember this one time when I pulled into our tight little parking spot under the building, and I froze for a second.  Did I scrape the side of the car against the plastered post?  I wasn't sure.  I backed up, pulled into the spot.  I knew I had.  I must have.  I ran around to the side of the car to check, but didn't really see anything.  It was kinda dark, but no harm, no foul, right?

well a few weeks after she got back into town, she asked me about it.  "Did you scratch my car coming into the parking spot?  it lines up right where the post would be, and nobody else has driven my car."  

"I don't think so."  I said.  Thinking back, I began to question myself.  Then she showed me where the scratch was, and I knew.  "It must've been me then"  I said.  I didn't want her to think I'd lied about it initially, but i didn't want to lie about it now.  "It must have been.  If you want, I'll do whatever I have to do to pay for the repair." But the way I'd said it left some degree of doubt in her mind as to whether or not it was actually me, and she didn't want to charge me if I wasn't sure that I did it.  That's when I realized that I was pretty sure, but I couldn't say it.  I honestly don't know if she would bother getting it fixed anyway.  She has a lot of scratches all over her car, but one of them was from me.

I felt bad, but moved on.  She's out of town again, and since I drove her to the airport, she's letting me borrow the car again while she's gone.  I just did it again.  This time, I can see a big scratch.  So big in fact, that I again question whether I did it or not.  I was moving so slowly.  I heard it touch.  I know I left a mark, but not that big...?  Perhaps this one was already there, and I put another little tiny one on top of it?  Or maybe I'm a weapon of mass destruction to her car.  I'm terrified to tell her.  I feel terrible, and i don't want to lie or hide it.   I know how much those things hurt me.  But I don't know what to do.  I have no money right now.  I can't afford to pay for the groceries I bought last week.  

I guess my strategy for apologies and amends is usually to make up for it first if possible so that they can't be as upset when I tell the truth.  "I scratched your car, but I already took it in, touched it up, and had all of your previous scratches fixed while I was at it."  I hate being a burden, or irresponsible.  I don't want her to fear loaning things to me.  This sucks.  Because I know i have to be honest, but I don't have the means to fix it.

All or Nothing

Like I said before,

The costs of overeating are obvious.  It's only by recognizing the payoff that we can accurately evaluate our actions in the moment, and make healthier choices.  If the payoff is a temporary numbness to our problems, that simply causes the pain to be burried deeper within us, that recognition will probably be immensely helpful in resisting the urge.  I've also recently recognized a little more about the psychology of why I like to starve or do other things of that nature.  I get an intense pride from being tough - able to withstand harsh conditions and injury - to soldier on alone without help or complaint.  Just like the sense of worthiness I get from excellence, achievement, and persistence, I get a high from extreme toughness.  If I'm doing something impressive, I can define myself by that, rather than by what I'm really feeling.  But it has to be a strong trait, or it doesn't overrule other things.  For example, Say a bunch of us are sitting outside in long sleeve shirts, and i'm a little chilly.  Everyone else seems fine, but I'm cold.  If someone offers me a jacket, I'll take it in a second, because refusing it doesn't make me amazingly tough.  Everyone else is fine without a jacket.  If I tough it out, I'm only succeeding in being average.  Not interesting.  Might as well be comfortable.  However, let's say the same group of us are there, and I'm shivering in a tank top, while everyone else has a furry winter coat.  There's a good chance that I would refuse the jacket, just to show how tough I am.  The cost is discomfort.  The benefit is demonstrating victory over the need for comfort - a feeling of superiority.  When you look at it that way, it all seems very silly, but that's why it's so important to look at and understand these things.  A binge brings comfort.  Starving brings pride, but both are only temporary.  Middle ground deprives me of the numbing comfort and the isolating superiority, but the long term pay off is so much greater.  That's what I'm just beginning to understand.  If I eat small meals every few hours exactly as planned, I don't get to numb out.  I don't get to feel super-human for transcending basic bodily needs, but I do get peace.  I get to really know and understand myself.  I get to be present in the world, and connect with people.  I get to stay conscious enough to get things done, live my life, and really be involved in it.  It's a tough transition to make, especially when I'm so used to my old way.  But the farther I go, the more value I see in it.  I don't feel like i've really done it justice in my description of the value of balance, but then, I guess I haven't completely found it yet.  How can you really describe something you haven't fully experienced?  But I've experience amazing highs from my disease, and still I am willing to give that up for balance.  I guess I have faith.  That's a pretty cool thing.

Why do we eat?  I think that there is actually a logical reason for everything we do.  Sometimes it seems crazy and completely pointless, but there's some perceived payoff when we eat, otherwise, we wouldn't do it.  When I'm craving food, I look at the clock.  Is it time for a meal?  Is it at all possible that I could be hungary?  Today, the answer was no.  On Sunday, with the french vanilla coffee, it was obvious.  My feelings were so painful and intense, that i wanted to numb them out for a while.  The cost is the calories, the sleeplessness, the bloating, and the stomach cramps that come with my allergic substances, but the benefit was that I could be emotionally comforted while I sipped vanilla sweetness.  I understood it at the time, and I made that choice.  But what was my reason for craving today?  There were no specific triggers.  The main thing has been discomfort with lack of action, but I have a to do list 10 miles long.  If I wanted action, wouldn't I have embarked more vigorously on those activities, found my achievement, and been happy?  Sometimes that works, but I really didn't want to do that today.  The things on my to do list aren't that fun.  They're not that easy either.  They're things I've been meaning to do for MANY months, but haven't been able to.  They're the kinda thing that requires a phone call, another phone call, waiting for a response, trying a different path, persuading someone, tracking them down, waiting...even if I addressed everything on my list, very little of it could actually be accomplished and checked off.  For whatever reason, I just didn't want to do this stuff.  But I couldn't schedule other things, because these things have to get done eventually, so I stayed home, intending to do them.  I found myself craving 2 things all day. 1. Food.  2. reading.  I wanted to lie around and get lost in my novel...again.  Just another way of checking out.  I didn't want to do my chores, but I can't deal with neglecting my responsibilities.  I couldn't consciously do that.  That would be irresponsible, lazy...So I ran to my book.  Granted, it's a good book, and I want to know what's going to happen next, but it's really serving as an escape from my mundane every day tasks, and my program of recovery.  It's a more acceptable way of putting things off.  And I get to feign accomplishment too.  "Once I finish this book, then I'll be able to get stuff done.  I just have to finish this first."  That way, I trick myself into feeling like I'm accomplishing something, while I'm really avoiding what needs to be done.  I have accomplished things today, and i've stuck to my food plan.  But I feel really empty and alone.  I'm not going to the OC meeting tonight.  I'll just go to the one closest to my house.  I had hoped to have a sleepover with a friend, but that doesn't look like it's going to work out.  It's not.  I guess that's why I keep getting so intrigued by the add for pizza popping up on my computer screen.  And an ice cream binge sounds so nice.  I am aware that I feel really lonely, and I don't want to be aware of that.  I'm instinctively trying to hide those feelings from myself.  I guess i have 2 better options.  Seek company or sit with my feelings.  Because the pizza isn't going to help.  Neither is ice cream.  And neither is sitting around reading to distract myself until my next abstinent meal, although sometimes that's the best I can do.

Here's a curious thought.  I could have called people to hang out with today.  I probably had a lot of options.  Why didn't I?  I said it was because I was going to orange county later today, and I would hang out with friends then, but I had to get things done first.  I was afraid that if someone came over or I made social plans, I wouldn't accomplish the things on my list.  Even though I stayed home to do these things, I stalled, and avoided them so long that I couldn't make plans for later, and never got around to anything.  I'm still doing the same thing now.  And I keep hoping that I'll take my work with me to a park or coffee shop or something.  Anything to get out of the ugly apartment, and be social, but I don't.  I need my ice, and my computer, and what if I forget something, and then can't get things done.  But I'm stuck in this dark messy room, and I'm still not getting very much done, and i'm missing out on life.  I guess I get pretty disappointed too when I actually make an effort like that and don't end up meeting amazing, interesting people.  So often, I get approached by weird guys who are just trying to hit on me.  If someone has a legitimate interest in talking to me, and we have something in common, I'm all for talking to anyone.  It just seems like so many guys who approach me have not interest in me as a person.  u know?  I allow it to affect the way I interact with strangers.  I put up this wall, where I'm rude, curt, and respond with one-word answers and no eye contact.  And then I don't bother to go out again.  I don't know what I'm saying.  Just rambling I guess.

Dealing with Food Obsession

For the past few days, I've had to take a little time off from my usual workout routine to heal.  I know.  Isn't it better yet?  Apparently not, because every time I think i'm resting, turns out i'm not.  So I've been staying home icing, and living from meal to meal.  I finish the last bite of one meal, take note of the time at which I swallowed my last bite, and start the timer, so that I know the minute I can begin my next meal.  I wouldn't dream of violating the meal plan or abstinence right now, but how long can one go on like that?  It's not sober living.  None of my meals were really sober.  True: they followed my absurdly healthy meal plan to a T, but within each meal, I cut myself off from the world, and returned only to count the hours to the next meal.  I realized that during the beginning phases of recovery I had to use the tools like crazy.  I didn't have the option of filling my schedule with exciting activities to validate myself, and not able to cope with food, I had to talk and write, and really work the program.  And I did.  As I grew stronger in my recovery, I gradually had to add parts of my life and career back in.  That includes a rigorous workout schedule, which goes beyond reason for most people.  In recovery, I've been learning to love myself for who I am inside, but that's hard work!  If I do cooler tricks and perform super human feats; if I excell and work harder and longer than everyone else, than I can just like myself for that!  I don't even have to know who I am, what I like...I don't have to know if I demonstrate integrity, humility, acceptance, if I'm a good friend...I don't have to connect with other people...With the crutch of excellance in work and exercise, I can like myself without doing any of the work of getting to know myself and be authentic.  No wonder it's been my strategy for so long!  It's taken me a few days to get that clarity.  And when I feel that obsession, the answer is not to simply distract myself with whatever activity I can persuade myself to do at the moment.  It will get me through to my next meal, but the gaping hole is still there.  Remember: it's a spiritual hunger.  Not a physical hunger.  Food can't fill it, so find the solution.  Today, I had a novel idea.  Actually, it was my sponsor.  She told me to read page 15 in the big book.  But it was almost time for lunch, so I stalled for 15 minutes and ate lunch.  But that didn't help.  I just wanted another lunch.  So I tried distracting myself for a while, before I finally realized what I used to do when faced with these cravings.  I would sit down and write.  Well this time, I read.  I pulled out my big book, and within a few paragraphs, I was feeling better.  My focus shifted.  I called a friend who has been struggling, and we read together.  The time passed quickly, and although it was time for my next meal, I was more interested in accomplishing some of the tasks on my to do list.  I did some e-mails, made some phone calls, and went inside for dinner, but noticed that I wasn't hungary.  So I'm writing.  And I'm really glad.

I feel like it's time for a refresher course in recovery.  I'm taking a few days off from the gym, and I want to spend them immersed in my favorite orange county meetings.  

thursday night-7pm-Laguna Hills

Friday morning 10am - Costa Mesa

Saturday 9 am -Laguna Hills

What am I going to do inbetween?  How am I going to get there without aggrivating my knee?  where will I sleep?  I don't know.  I have no idea.  Hopefully I'll get the initiative to figure it out, and ask for help.  Crap.  I'm working on Friday night.  I forgot.  I can still do all of those meetings though.  eh- ok.  i'll work on it.

Caffeine

and now I remember why caffeine was a bad idea.  even before i had any inkling that I had an allergy to caffeine, I knew never to consume any of it after 11 am.  I'm really sensitive to it, and it prevents me from sleeping.  I can't sleep now.  I have to be up at 6, and i thought i was tired til i turned out the light and did my meditation tape.  My mind is racing.  Didn't I talk and write enough?  Apparently not.  I though of other stuff to contemplate.  

My brother.  "I want to hurt my friends.  Did you really move to pursue your career?  or did you just want to get away from people?" he asked me.  Really?  I was always so concerned about my career, that I forgot people really existed.  We've always had very different approaches to life and friends.  I only recently acknowledged how important it is to have friends, but that has always been really important to him.  Therefore, I can see how upsetting it would be to tire of the people you hang out with.  I've never EVER been willing to compromise my goals or ideas to fit in with a group (which...yes...sounds completely contrary to my last post).  When I was little, if my friends wanted to play dolls instead of climb trees, I decided they were dumb and boring, and that I would get different friends.  If that meant being alone until I found better friends, fine.  At least I'd be climbing trees in the mean time.  My brother was more the type to sacrifice what he wanted to do to be with people.  I don't think there's anything wrong with either way.  There's a balance between the 2, and we both have struggled on opposite extremes.  I pretty much do what i want to do, and expect that to attract other people who like doing the same things.  I need to expand that to saying what I think and feel, to attract people with similar ideas and morals.  I could also benefit from being more flexible, and compromising some of my plans to accommodate people I really like spending time with.  My brother on the other hand, I think could benefit from some time away from those people.  I know it's not my job to take his inventory, but he asked me for advice, and i'm muddling through it now, so that i'll be more coherent when i talk to him.  We all want to feel loved and accepted.  My bass-akwards strategy has always to be incredible at whatever i do, and impress everyone into liking me.  To be perfect.  He seems to take a more direct approach to fitting in, and has fallen into common high school and college traps: drugs, smoking, alcohol...I feel like he has no idea what he wants, or what he's passionate about.  I wish i could help him find it.  It just seems like life is so painful for him, and he just wants the time to pass faster.  I don't really know, but between smoking, drinking, and television, I feel like he always has something to numb out with.  You know?  We do different behaviors to address the same kind of spiritual hole.  In a way, a long time ago, he sacrificed a lot of who he was to fit in with these "friends", and now he's finally realizing that maybe they're not really good friends.  Maybe they're not the kind of people who he wants to be around.  But he doesn't know how to be alone.  It's hard to make new friends.  Especially when you've become like them.  Even if you leave them, you attract more people like you, and if you're behaving like them, well you just get more of the same people.  Maybe that's one of the reasons I was always so quick to abandon friends when i learned something about them that i didn't like.  I think I've always been a little scared of people's undesirable qualities rubbing off on me.  That's one of the things that keeps me so isolated.  I'm so quick to pick out whatever I don't like about a person, and run from it.  These days, I practice instead focusing on the positive things I see, and try to connect with that, but that's definitely a work in progress, and still in the beginning phases.  We have so much to learn.

Basically, I think we were both missing the point, which is:

to connect with people, be true to yourself, and have faith in a higher power.

He preoccupied himself with the connecting with people part, and mistook it for being with people and doing what they're doing.  it's not the same as connecting, and it doesn't mean anything if you're not true to yourself.

I locked in on being true to myself, only I got it wrong too.  Instead I "did what I wanted".  I still lost touch with the true inner me, and drove away the people I needed to connect with.

It leaves us both with an empty hole, and neither of us had any faith in a higher power.  I'm so grateful to be on the path to finding my higher power, and to be learning to be true to myself and connect with people.  Sometimes, it really clicks, and I feel so fulfilled and loved and happy.  I hope I can help him to find it too.

Clarity.

ok.  So this afternoon, I had this great idea.  OK.  Actually, I knew there was nothing great about this idea at the time, but I wanted to get a 24 oz cup full of all of the substances I am most allergic to, and consume it.  yes.  brilliant.  Not exactly part of my food plan, but not an abstinence breaker either.  My stomach does not react well to caffeine, coffee, milk, or refined sugar, or sugar alcohol (common artificial sweetener).  All of those things were in the french vanilla coffee I bought.  It wasn't an impulse.  I thought about it for about 2 hours before I made the purchase, and I was calm, aware, and somewhat rational when I bought it.  I rationalized that I was cold and wanted something to warm me up, but I was aware that I really wanted it as a  comfort food/ anaesthetiser.  My feelings had been overflowing all day saturday in anticipation of the potential meeting at breakfast this morning.  I knew there was a chance that I would have to confront the drama of my past.  I did a lot of writing yesterday to get the feelings out so I could be clear and free...know where I stand.  I just wanted to go to breakfast with my friends, and not worry about running into someone who probably hates me.  I couldn't do it.  I froze.  I got caught up in controlling how they felt about me.  I can't have someone hate me.  I CAN'T!  The only way to be OK, was to have him be impressed with how well I'm doing, and to make her like me again, but I can't control that!  none of it is up to me.  I was afraid that ... just everything.  There was no way to behave, and make them feel the way I wanted them to feel.  I just want everyone to be OK.  To be happy.  I forgot that I had to let go of that.  You can't be present when you're caught up in the past.  If I had thrown away the past, and let go of the future, I could have stayed focused on my friends, and ...I don't know.  All I could do was pretend not to see them, and try to constantly be aware of where they were, so that I could hide, but not actually see them or know where they were...it felt terrible.  And of course i was upset that if they saw me behaving this way, they would know how horrible and insecure I felt, and i don't want them to know that!  But I don't want them to think that i'm so selfish and insensitive that I can' possibly be happy in their presence.  I'm so silly.  But it's a lot to deal with.  I did the best I could, and it's been really amazing seeing how the universe gives me exactly what I can handle: always enough to challenge me when I'm ready for it, but never more than I can actually manage.  Sometimes it seems impossible, like I'll never get through it.  It's scary, but those are the times of the most accellerated growth.  It's been really cool to see how it all plays out when I trust a higher power.

It was really nice to get back to my talking and writing yesterday and today.  I had been doing moderate amounts consistently for a while, until I got bored, and started reading that novel.  It was nice to take a brake for a while, but I totally felt the effects.  So many thoughts and feelings got bottled up, and I could feel them building, but I couldn't put the book down, and I couldn't miss my activities, so recovery was sacrificed.  Luckily, when it got uncomfortable enough, I reached for my trusty tools, and started writing and talking again.  I just spent about 3 hours on the phone purging all of the feelings and ideas that had gotten stuck inside.

One interesting thing that has recently come to the surface is my detachment from my true feelings, and how I've locked in on this habit of finding out how I should think and feel about certain things, and then brainwashing myself to believe that.  I'm so adept at it that it's really hard to identify my true ideas and emotions, and separate them from the fabricated ones I'm supposed to have.  It's been a barrier for me for a long time.  I've come to understand how crucial it is for me to really feel and express my truth, and it's going to be a long hard process with lots of digging to reacquire the skill.  I've denied it so long out of fear of hurting someone else.  What if my opinion hurts someone?  I can't let them know, but it's wrong to lie.  So before I even know that i have an opinion, I cut myself off, and figure out what is "right" to say or think.  I instantly convince myself that that is my truth, and really believe it, but don't realize that I've betrayed myself.  Sometimes I find I have completely opposing views of the same topic based entirely on who I am in the company of.  And when I'm saying I agree with you, I totally believe it!  I have no idea that I'm letting you choose my opinion for me.  If I can't tell what everyone else wants me to think, I find that I don't know.  That I don't have an opinion.  Somehow I'm blocked.  The truth is that I'm always blocked.  I'm so scared of having my own opinion about anything that anyone else cares about.  I never made this connection before, but the only thing I have really strong opinions about are things that most other people don't care about.  It's ok for me to have my own opinions about things that aren't important to other people.  Then they won't get offended!  Wow.  that's so messed up.  I always say that I'm un-peer-pressureable, when in truth, I let the the outside world determine many of my thoughts.  I do what I'm told, and convince myself that I chose it.  Now, I am exagerating a little, but that's kinda what I do.  I really want to start working more on having my own opinion and expressing it freely.

AND being Judgemental.  I watched this amazing scene from "The Guardian", where the kid in coast guard training gets totally called out on his motive for being there.  He's all about being the best and breaking records.  He doesn't really care about his teammates or saving lives.  He thinks he does, because he's supposed to, but the trainer can see right through it.  He gives him the opportunity to go ahead and break all of the records on the board- prove how much better his is than everyone else...It made me realize how much of a self-centered brat I am.  I write people off all of the time.  "they're so slow, weak, incompetent; they don't care enough; why do they even bother?"  Holy crap!  Who am I to judge?  I say the same thing about myself whenever I have an off day.  Is there seriously something so wrong with simply doing something for the pure enjoyment of it?  Does it really hurt me if they think they're top-notch highly motivated athletes?  Is it really necessary for them to know that they will never be as good as so-and-so?  It's important for people to have self-confidence, and enjoy what they're doing.  Not for them to "know their place"!  Oh my gosh!  Please grant me the willingness to accept myself and others exactly as we are, and to find the good in everyone.  To appreciate each of us for who we are.  I want to be able to enjoy connecting with everyone I come into contact with, and stop trying to find reasons to cut myself off from all of humanity.  That would be better for all of us.  

deep breath.

I accept that this is going to take me a while.  I'll keep praying for it, and staying aware of it.  I'll keep trying, and letting go.  

I'm so glad I did all of this writing and talking today.  I feel so much clearer and coherent and self aware.  Everything had gotten foggy.

catch up

fudge!!!  i don't want to write right now!  I'm totally addicted to the novel i'm reading right now, and i should have gone to sleep 21 minutes ago, but i want to stay up and read, but i feel guilty for not having written for a few days.  so much has been going on, i haven't had time to keep up.  ok...not guilty...unsettled.  i guess i have a lot of ideas floating around in my head that i may or may not have processed yet.  I did a lot of driving yesterday and today.  12 hours on the road with no phone, no music, no distractions whatsoever.  it was interesting, i guess.  i practiced the zen way of thinking - appreciating everything for what it is, being present in the moment...i think that's what it was about.  so i appreciated the beauty of the clouds behind the mountain even though they were pretty much the same as the last 20 mountains and clouds.  Does the fact that i've seen mountains before make the ones i'm looking at any less beautiful?  it shouldn't.  I did pretty well with that.  I rewrote the lyrics to the song "Gotta have faith" so that it's all about eating disorders and recovery from them.  I did a lot of singing to myself.  i had this one "great" experience where i knew i was running out of gas, and probably wouldn't make it to the next rest stop.  i prayed and prayed, and coasted down the exit ramp into the rest stop.  Hooray!  Yay God!  awesome, right!?  NO!!!  This rest stop - the one they'd been posting on billboards for 60 miles, apparently only has bathrooms, benches, and a broken pay phone.  yeah.  and my phone got no service.  So the good news?  I found convincing evidence that speeding is way less fuel efficient.  at 55 mph, I can go twice the distance on one tank of gas that I can go at 125 mph.  Yes.  I was speeding horribly.  But I was going to be late for a very important job, and if I averaged 120 mph for the last 2 hours of my drive, i could make it on time!  there's some self will.  lol.  so once again, i didn't get to control that outcome.  I got AAA to come give me gas, but when i found out i'd have to wait 45 min for them to arrive from the nearest town, i started crying hysterically.  can u blame me?  but this wonderful lady who had let me borrow her cel phone reminded me that it's ok, i'm safe, healthy, and alive, and it's all going to be all right.  "No it's not!"  I wailed.  "I'm gonna be late for work!'  she let me call to tell them i'd be late, and you won't believe it.  Apparently, she'd already called my phone (which wasn't working) to tell me that we wouldn't get to my scene for several hours, and that I should take my time getting there.  It was all OK.  i couldn't believe it.  the lady gave me a hug, made sure i was allright, and went on her way.  

My food was kinda squirrely, and i want to be accountable.  My late evening snack was dried fruit, almonds, cashews, and beef jerkey.  I try not to have dried fruit, because it's so high in sugar, and i have abused it so much in the past.  Once of the fruits was sweetened mango, and i'm allergic to mango.  i ate it anyway, and loved it.  it was a reasonable portion at the right time, but not totally what i wanted, and of course 5 minutes after i finished eating it, they brought out what i had wanted.  An actual warm meal.  It was chilli and quesadillas.  it was so hard not to eat it then and there.  I tried to stay away and distract myself.  When i finished working, I packed some of the food, wrapped it up, and brought it back to my hotel with me.  I hadn't looked at the time when i finished my last snack though.  I think i ate the chilli and quesadillas too soon.  I'm pretty sure i did, and i knew it at the time.  and i may have had too much, but that's a judgement, not a certainty.  i didn't feel full.  it's just more fattening food than I'm used to, so i don't know how much is ok.  then all they had for continental breakfast was sugar and carbohydrates.  I had a bowl of oatmeal mixed with raisen bran and a small bagel with cream cheese.  I'm not really comfortable with any of that, but I didn't binge, and i didn't beat myself up for it.  I'm mostly looking at that meal as an accomplishment that I could accept what was available, and not have to panic or go on a rampage looking for exactly what i wanted.  I was very hungary later though - perhaps a result of all the high carb foods that may have given an insulin spike?  i dunno.  i was also freezing, so i stopped at denny's for breakfast, and got the lumberjack scramble.  This was really borderline, but i think i consider it a success.  I had scrambled eggs with bacon, vegi's, potatoes, and cheese.  hash browns on the side, and 2 pancakes.  I ate syrup on my pancakes.  syrup.  that's sugar.  that's anti-food plan.  ugh.  i have chills.  the thing is, that before, that would have triggered an uncontrollable binge.  I ate all the pancakes and the syrup, but i didn't order anything else after.  i wasn't uncomfortably full, and i left a bunch of the hashbrowns on my plate.  i used to have a problem with hash browns too, but not today.  I really needed some time to sit down and warm up, and maybe i ate a little compulsively, but it wasn't a binge, and i was present.  i accepted it.  i don't know how much that had to do with my semi-anorexic desire to not eat my next meal 4 hours later, but i had my salad anyway.  and my next salad 4 hours after that.  and tonight i went to an extra meeting, and did my grocery shopping.  then i had all these plans for cooking up some exorbidant hot meal, but i decided to eat a nice little organic chicken wrap from whole foods instead.  i had a sober dinner.  I'm getting settled back in at home.  I did my inventory.  I read "just for today".  I made a bunch of phone calls today.  and I did it.  I accomplished something pretty impressive on this little trip, and I can acknowledge that I'm proud of myself.  I'm still struggling to plan out my next few days, but I'm doing really well.  I'm always gonna be OK, and in each moment, I can choose to live that way.  I can choose to be more than OK.  and I am.  I'm glad i took this time to write.

I don't really think i have anything to say today, but whenever I think that, there's always something creeping up on me, and if I don't write, I don't notice.  I'll just see if anything comes up now.  It's kinda late, and I'm kinda tired, but i don't feel like going to sleep.  it's been an uneventful afternoon/evening.  The morning was fast and hectic, then I came home to relax and read a book.  It actually poured rain, and I read on some pillows by our wide open door so I could see and hear the storm.  We don't get storms very often here, and it was really nice.  I love natural phenomenons.  But then I got restless.  I wanted to do something interesting, productive, or memorable.  I think I've had a little bit of an empty spot since I didn't do anything for Halloween.  It's such a fun interesting holiday, and I love making an intricate costume, and showing it off, along with developing the skills and character to suit the outfit...but I didn't have any plans, and didn't bother to make a costume.  I wanted to spend time with friends, and go to a cornfield maze or haunted house.  Or a big hollywood party with important producers or something.  My roommates wanted me to go party with them, and I was invited to another party, but I'm so not into the idea of drinking/partying.  Plus candy still freaks me out.  I could have put more effort into making plans that I would have liked, but sometimes I just don't have the motivation to act.  That frustrates me a lot.  I guess I have to keep in mind that recovery is a slow process, and I'm rising from a pretty serious low.  I've come a long way, but I can't expect to be able to do everything immediately.  So many gifts of recovery have come back to me so quickly, that I can hardly complain about missing a little halloween fun.  there will be other halloweens.  I do wish I would get out and socialize more.  It just seems like so much trouble getting anywhere, and if I stay home, I have all of my stuff.  I hate transportation- having to go somewhere, and then I hate bringing things.  I hate having to carry things, so I bring just the bare essentials, which means I always forget something, and wish I'd brought it.  Then I have to go home.  And most of the time, if I go anywhere, I keep to myself anyway.  It's just so much easier to stay home.  But is it worth the hole its creating in me?  I don't know.  I need to get a car.  But I can't now.  I can't afford anything.  In fact, I bought groceries on credit this week, and don't have enough money in my account to pay it off.  I will actually have a check coming in next week that will cover it, but how long will that last?  Another week or 2?  I'm actually working another day next week, but Man!  Finances are tight!  I am praying about it...for the perception/awareness/consciousness to see what I need to do, and the willingness to do it...trust in God's plan for me, and carry it out in whatever way I need to.  I do trust.  I'm not worrying about it too much, but I totally have no idea how it's going to work out.  Maybe I'll get a big job next week, or maybe I'll finally get a chance to build a secret tree fort and live off of the land, practicing my ninja skills.  Either way, I'll keep a positive attitude, and practice loving life.  It's cool.  Or maybe I just have to be humble enough to ask my momma for help.  She works so hard, though.  She has a lot on her plate.  I'll just pray that if there's some specific action I need to take, that I'm suddenly struck with the inspiration to do it...whatever it is.

I feel like eating again.  Technically, I can if I want, according to my food plan.  I don't think i'm really hungary.  If I'm going to sleep now, there's no need to eat, but if I'm gonna stay up much later, I will need to eat again.  Most of my meals today have felt weird.  From the moment I finish the last meal, I crave the next one, but when it comes time for that next one, I realize that nothing will satisfy.  I end up choosing whatever is easy/convenient/appropriate.  The prepackage with the earliest expiration date.  I get little or no enjoyment from it, yet crave the next meal as if that will fix it.  I guess that means...I'm a compulsive eater!  duh.  I don't know what it's about....just that uncomfortableness with being at home and having a lazy day.  They're necessary sometimes, but they're so freakin' uncomfortable.  I do hate them.  I just don't feel like I got anything done today.  It frustrates me.  you know?  Time never stops.  I hate to waste it.  and I know...I didn't.  I did exactly what I was supposed to do bla bla bla...i dunno.  Now that it's time for bed, I guess i got into this kind of 'cram' state of mind, where I feel like i have to scramble to do something worthwhile before I go to sleep.  I did a few pages in my directory, and then looked up a video on how to speed read on youtube.  I did 2 different training exercises, and then learned about photoreading, and tried to photo read a whole book.  lol.  I guess that's pretty funny.  I have no idea what i'm doing tomorrow.  I have a million different options, but i feel like they all require help from friends, and I can't seem to coordinate it all.  I dunno.  we'll see what happens.  I think i'm done writing for now.  I might read a little more.