I don't really think i have anything to say today, but whenever I think that, there's always something creeping up on me, and if I don't write, I don't notice.  I'll just see if anything comes up now.  It's kinda late, and I'm kinda tired, but i don't feel like going to sleep.  it's been an uneventful afternoon/evening.  The morning was fast and hectic, then I came home to relax and read a book.  It actually poured rain, and I read on some pillows by our wide open door so I could see and hear the storm.  We don't get storms very often here, and it was really nice.  I love natural phenomenons.  But then I got restless.  I wanted to do something interesting, productive, or memorable.  I think I've had a little bit of an empty spot since I didn't do anything for Halloween.  It's such a fun interesting holiday, and I love making an intricate costume, and showing it off, along with developing the skills and character to suit the outfit...but I didn't have any plans, and didn't bother to make a costume.  I wanted to spend time with friends, and go to a cornfield maze or haunted house.  Or a big hollywood party with important producers or something.  My roommates wanted me to go party with them, and I was invited to another party, but I'm so not into the idea of drinking/partying.  Plus candy still freaks me out.  I could have put more effort into making plans that I would have liked, but sometimes I just don't have the motivation to act.  That frustrates me a lot.  I guess I have to keep in mind that recovery is a slow process, and I'm rising from a pretty serious low.  I've come a long way, but I can't expect to be able to do everything immediately.  So many gifts of recovery have come back to me so quickly, that I can hardly complain about missing a little halloween fun.  there will be other halloweens.  I do wish I would get out and socialize more.  It just seems like so much trouble getting anywhere, and if I stay home, I have all of my stuff.  I hate transportation- having to go somewhere, and then I hate bringing things.  I hate having to carry things, so I bring just the bare essentials, which means I always forget something, and wish I'd brought it.  Then I have to go home.  And most of the time, if I go anywhere, I keep to myself anyway.  It's just so much easier to stay home.  But is it worth the hole its creating in me?  I don't know.  I need to get a car.  But I can't now.  I can't afford anything.  In fact, I bought groceries on credit this week, and don't have enough money in my account to pay it off.  I will actually have a check coming in next week that will cover it, but how long will that last?  Another week or 2?  I'm actually working another day next week, but Man!  Finances are tight!  I am praying about it...for the perception/awareness/consciousness to see what I need to do, and the willingness to do it...trust in God's plan for me, and carry it out in whatever way I need to.  I do trust.  I'm not worrying about it too much, but I totally have no idea how it's going to work out.  Maybe I'll get a big job next week, or maybe I'll finally get a chance to build a secret tree fort and live off of the land, practicing my ninja skills.  Either way, I'll keep a positive attitude, and practice loving life.  It's cool.  Or maybe I just have to be humble enough to ask my momma for help.  She works so hard, though.  She has a lot on her plate.  I'll just pray that if there's some specific action I need to take, that I'm suddenly struck with the inspiration to do it...whatever it is.

I feel like eating again.  Technically, I can if I want, according to my food plan.  I don't think i'm really hungary.  If I'm going to sleep now, there's no need to eat, but if I'm gonna stay up much later, I will need to eat again.  Most of my meals today have felt weird.  From the moment I finish the last meal, I crave the next one, but when it comes time for that next one, I realize that nothing will satisfy.  I end up choosing whatever is easy/convenient/appropriate.  The prepackage with the earliest expiration date.  I get little or no enjoyment from it, yet crave the next meal as if that will fix it.  I guess that means...I'm a compulsive eater!  duh.  I don't know what it's about....just that uncomfortableness with being at home and having a lazy day.  They're necessary sometimes, but they're so freakin' uncomfortable.  I do hate them.  I just don't feel like I got anything done today.  It frustrates me.  you know?  Time never stops.  I hate to waste it.  and I know...I didn't.  I did exactly what I was supposed to do bla bla bla...i dunno.  Now that it's time for bed, I guess i got into this kind of 'cram' state of mind, where I feel like i have to scramble to do something worthwhile before I go to sleep.  I did a few pages in my directory, and then looked up a video on how to speed read on youtube.  I did 2 different training exercises, and then learned about photoreading, and tried to photo read a whole book.  lol.  I guess that's pretty funny.  I have no idea what i'm doing tomorrow.  I have a million different options, but i feel like they all require help from friends, and I can't seem to coordinate it all.  I dunno.  we'll see what happens.  I think i'm done writing for now.  I might read a little more.