ohhhh-I get it

Last night someone in program told me that I can't do the things I used to do before program (in reference to training at the level I used to).  I was not in a good state of mind, and interpreted this to the extreme.  I believe that in recovery, I will be able to train at an even higher level once I am able to keep my brain turned on and go full force right up to the line of "too much", but stop before I get there; rest in a productive healthy way, while studying other parts or things, and go hard again as soon as I'm ready.  I think that's part of God's plan for me, and having access to what i need to do to stay in line with that will make me more effective at everything.  i'm just not there yet.  i'm still in the awkward phase, and last night when she made that statement, my plan for my future was challenged.  "you can't have that stuff in recovery.  Would you rather have that stuff or recovery?"  and in that moment, without hesitation, my answer was "that stuff".  I wanted recovery because i had lost it in my eating disorder, and getting it back was my whole meaning and purpose in life, my reason for seeking out recovery.  the thing is, I may or may not have that stuff in recovery, but without recovery I have nothing.  and this day was about reminding me of that fact.  Last night, I unintentionally made the decision to seek out success in my plan- my will.  I stuck to my recovery routine as much as I could, but prioritized my training above it.  within an hour of waking up, everything began slipping through my fingers today.  It's amazing how fast it felt like I was losing everything.  Today was a perfect reminder of why recovery comes first.  first and always.  because if I don't make time for recovery, I have nothing.  I lost the initiative to take action in anything.  I wanted to do everything, but couldn't make myself do anything except seek out food, and I went just beyond the edges of my food plan in every way I could .  Exertion of my crazy self will tore me down today.  I'm really grateful that I was receptive and insightful enough to learn from it.  Tonight my prayer is to let go of all of that self will, and wake up with the willingness to put all the energy and motivation I was inspired with yesterday into taking the hard contrary actions which will align me with my higher power.  the willingness to truly explore the things that i'm scared of, and to push myself to the absolute extent of my ability in the ways that are healthy.  i think I do get it.

I went out for a run this evening, and considered stopping into a salsa class ... just in case I happened to pass one on my home...there actually wasn't one, but if there was...

so at first i was like 

"but i look so ratty in this old t-shirt", but I was like 

"no.  it's OK.  my sports bra matches my pants", but then 

"i can't do a dance class with my stomach showing now.  my stomach is too flabby today."

then I thought about it for a second, and realized it was ok, because I wouldn't know anyone in a random salsa class.  they wouldn't know that I have to be a super hero...because everybody else knows that I do have to be a super hero?  It hit me how funny that idea was, and how skewed my perception is of everybody else's perception of me is.  I feel like everyone in my line of work knows that I have the potential to be a super hero, and if I let them see my flaws, they will be disgusted with me.  This is such a hard thing for me to get past.  There are a million and one things that I want to do, and usually any time I try something new, I demonstrate amazing potential at it...physical skills that is.  It becomes obvious that whatever I'm trying, if I really put some work into it, I can become exceptional at it.  I want to live up to that potential in everything, and so I have this picture of me in my head- what I think I'm supposed to be.  This image of me assumes that I've trained like an elite athlete in virtually every sport and physical skill known to man.  In reality, I could probably achieve greatness in any one of these things.  Maybe even 2, but I beat myself up for not being ALL of them right now.  I make progress in one, and slip back in another.  What's hard for me to accept is that maybe that's OK.  The problem is a lack of humility.  I expect to be a super hero, so I'm surprised and devastated when I demonstrate repeatedly that I am in fact human.  No one expects more than that...

crap.

that was comforting for about 5 seconds.

no one expects more than that except me and one other person.  My role model, coach, and mentor who is no longer around.  He believed in me.  He tried to teach me how to think for myself- how to train multiple things at once- how to be efficient with my training.  Don't learn specific tricks.  Learn air awareness.  Don't memorize combinations.  Learn to see and understand movement, and to be able to think on your toes.  Stay turned on.  But I didn't want to listen.  I wanted to be a robot, and follow orders without thinking, and now i'm left on my own with nobody's orders to follow but my own.  I know it's good for me, and I just have to go through this awkward phase, and force myself to think for myself.  I can't just wait around for someone else to do it for me.  I just thought I'd get it by now.  I need some training partners.  a group.  I feel alone and abandoned...again.  it's not like I'm unique in this.  I know it's up to me to do the work and get out there.  It's my own fault for isolating myself, but ugh!  it's so hard...but i know what he would have told me about that...about anything.  "the hard is what makes it great."  He's right.  I really want to get in with this one group that's already in existence.  They're definitely already ahead of me, and I'm afraid of 2 things: one, that they won't want me, and two, if they do let me in, I'll give up on thinking for myself and follow whatever they do.  I have been noticing this obnoxious problem lately...

so I'm a compulsive overeater, but I'm  also a restricter and extreme dieter.  I have to be careful of certain alcoholic foods, but I also have to practice accepdance of foods that I consider imperfect.  Now rather than take contrary action in both of those areas to improve my recovery, I use each one as an excuse to act out in both ways.  for example, I know that frozen yogurt and sweet breads are problems for me, but lately, I've been saying that they're OK, and even good because I'm practicing not restricting.  then I suffer the consequences.  pain in the butt.

I feel like for the past couple of weeks I've been looking over the edge of a cliff-sensing that death drop getting closer and closer, and I've been crying out for help, and then regaining composure, and then crying out again.  Today I feel like I've stepped over the edge, and I'm standing on the loose dirt that's all slipping away under my feet.  It feels like the landslide is in motion, and I'm on it with no power to stop it.  Nothing disasterous has happened, nor is it certain that it will.  It just feels like all the old warning signs have popped up-all the old thoughts and behaviors have been set in motion, and i'm taking almost none of the tools I've learned to help myself.  I'm just waiting to see if anyone answers my call for help.  that sounds so pitiful, but it does go right along with what i've been so upset about lately.  how I feel like no one is there for me unless I drag them in.  I want so badly to know that if I'm in trouble, someone who loves me is going to swoop in and save me.  Is this a desperate attempt to find out if anyone cares?  Is that part of what my eating disorder was about to begin with?  Did I get myself into trouble just to see if anyone was paying attention?  Maybe today is just an emotional reaction to the chance meeting I had yesterday...the 2 sentence conversation I had with the one person who ever gave me that sense of security.  I think the reminder  of what it was like to feel so safe and protected, and to see that I really don't have that right now was just really triggering.  I think I'm just acting out because I want someone to swoop in and save me like before.  That would be so much easier.  I have to remember that I don't want to be that kind of needy person.  As much as I want to know that someone is there for me, I want to know that I can stand on my own two feet, and take care of myself so that I can be present and useful to others.  This is hard.  I have such a strange feeling right now.  I want to run away to some exotic beautiful location in nature, but i'm not willing to go anywhere.  I want to do something exciting, but I'm not willing to get up.  I want to get really skinny, but I want to eat more and more, and my meals have been messy today.  my knee hurts, but i don't feel like icing it.  my stomach is full, and it feels like frozen yogurt would fix it.  luckily, it doesn't seem like it's worth the effort it would take to go get it.  I want to drill certain skills over and over so I can be as good as the guys I worked with yesterday, but i'm just not willing to do it right now.  I want someone else to make me do it.  i don't know what's best for me right now.  I think this day i like...I was inspired by what I saw people doing yesterday.  I was inspired to buckle down and start working harder...really hard, and be good like them.  They don't have to practice gentleness and rest time the way I do, and they're really good and in great shape.  I was inspired to train the way they do, which is what I used to try to do, and I think a part of me trembled at the idea.  My all or nothing thinking said that I was about to kick into over-training self-harm mode, and I rebelled against it by ... self sabotauging.  I ate a little too much at breakfast.  Then I felt bad for getting off to a bad start, and wanted to compensate by working even harder than I'd been sub-consciously planning, and the fear of having to do that caused me to fight back even harder in my default instinctive way: I ate a bigger lunch.  and all the stress of how to workout and get better, and thinner/leaner/stronger/faster, and the feelings of inadequacy and lonliness...they're all still there.  I've just been skipping around them...avoiding them by trying to plan activities that i'm just not willing to do right now...and yet am desperate to do them.  I'm so confused, but I seem to have somehow made sense of it.  So maybe my instinct this morning that I was overflowing with emotions to process was right.  maybe I should have kept calling people to talk to instead of choosing one person, and waiting on her, and then missing her phone call when she called back.  Now I've put it off long enough that I'm missing the activities I really wanted to go to today.  I just feel like a car with the hood popped open.  It had some problems and was making some funny noises, but it was running.  I had to pop the hood, and take everything out to find the problems, and fix them.  Now that some stuff is out in the light, I think things are getting better, but you can't tell, because you can't very well drive a car around town with the hood popped and the engine in pieces.  it's hard to be in that place.  I feel really tired and vulnerable right now.  I don't want to go anywhere, but i don't have a mechanic in my house.  I can't expect to get better just by waiting around.  especially if I'm gonna eat meals like I've been having today.

I don't have much time to write, but i just had a kinda breakthrough thought, which I'll have to process later, but I had to write it down before I forgot about it.  As weird as it sounds, I was just noticing how I seem so dramatically more sensitive since starting "recovery", and how my self esteem and confidence actually feel lower.  Weird, right?  Well I want to learn how to love and accept myself for exactly who and what I am right now.  I never had any real confidence in that.  I had a ton of self confidence in what I had the potential to be in the future, but nothing I did in the moment felt like it was worth anything.  Since I realized that several months ago, I have taken the emphasis off of physical quantifiable achievements and anything in the future, and have been trying to love and accept where i am right now.  It's hard for that to live up to the person I've always demanded I become (a super-human specimen of perfection).  I look at myself in the moment, and can't qualify by saying "well I'm here now, which means if I work my ass off, in 2 years, I'll be here, and that means I'm good."  you know?  I'm getting better at accepting where I am now, but relying on a promising future for self validation was a big crutch for me.  It's hard to feel like I'm enough when I can't lean on that anymore.  I haven't really been feeling like enough lately.  It's not a fun feeling.  I have to work hard to convince myself that I am.  And then I walk right into a situation where others confirm that I'm not enough.  not for them, or the job they need me to do.  it's hard.  It's ok.  and i know i'm where I'm supposed to be, and it's all for the best.  but it is hard.  and I still feel alone.  I am glad I said this out loud today, because I realized how silly i was being.  I said "I feel like everything I've gotten in recovery, I've had to do myself."  I was crying about it, because I wanted to know that people and friends and sponsors were helping and guiding me.  I wanted to surrender and take direction, but I feel like I have to do it myself.  ...  but really ... isn't that probably how it should be?  i'm so silly.  and i'm tired.  good night.

ugh.  i don't feel like writing, but my head was swirling earlier today, and I know there's just tons to get out.  I don't even know where to start.

OK.  how about a list.  That always helps me when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

-anger

-new theory on intuitive eating: the role of sugar/getting in touch with my body

-not feeling taken care of

-injuries: what is god trying to tell me?

-moodiness/eggshells

Body Image and New Directions

I just had a crazy thought...or maybe it's not.  Maybe it's my first taste of real sanity coming out of the cloudiness.  I don't know.  But here is the general idea:

My body image has improved dramatically since last year when I started working the 12 steps, turning my body over to a higher power, and trying to accept myself as I am.  So much in my life has stabilized since that time, and my eating and exercise habits have cleaned up and balanced out quite a bit.  I don't weigh myself, so I can never really be sure if I've actually lost weight and leaned out, or if it's just my perception that has changed.  I'm often tempted to check the scale, to see ... to get confirmation that my body really is in better shape than last year, and I'm not just imagining it.  I used to feel disgusted and embarassed by my thighs and lack of definition in my abs and arms and ugh-i hated the hips and thighs!  Most of the time, I feel pretty good about my body.  Frequently, I can see all eight of my abs, and that crease that goes straight up the outside of the leg between the quads and hamstrings- it goes almost all of the way up to my hips without interruption.  Most of the time, I think I look really good!  I'm almost sure I'm in better shape than I was last year...but what if I'm not?  What if I haven't gotten any better, and I look exactly like I did back when I was bingeing on icecream all day?  what if?  what if I've brainwashed myself...conditioned my thoughts to live in a delusion that distorts my self image, so that I think i'm in good shape, and I imagine abs to make myself feel good, when really I'm chubby, and everyone else can see it?  (and here's the good part)  and what if the real delusion was how I saw myself before, and everyone else sees me as I see myself now (or even better), and I really had nothing to be embarased about before.  What if I was healthy, fit, and lean all along, and I was ashamed for nothing.  I was the only one who could see flab.  I've been afraid to get on the scale and find that I weight the same as what I weighed back then.  But that's because I programmed myself to believe that my weight back then was disgustingly obese.  What if that was actually a beautiful healthy weight, and I just couldn't accept it?  What if I really AM ok exactly how I am right now, regardless of how much I weigh or know, or what skills I can do?  ...or if I'm injured... i guess that's a shift in topics.  and yes- this is something I have to talk about tonight.  It's getting late, and I'm much rather ignore it, and go back to watching my movie on netflix, but I was crying hysterically on the way home from the doctor today.  I don't know what's wrong with my leg right now, and i am not handling it well.  i am really scared.  i hate doctors.  i swear they don't know anything.  i'm so frustrated.  He kept talking about sprains and strains, arthritis, and tendonitis, based on my history, but I know what those kinds of pain feel like, and it's not that!  Yes.  it's in my history, so of course I've felt it before, and I know how it feels, and that's not what's bothering me right now.  My ankle gets jammed-stuck-it feels like it's out of place.  I've learned how to shift it back in, but when it's out, then certain movements send shooting pains from my ankle straight up to my knee.  It's pulling on my adductor and my calf in a weird way that's making them constantly sore and tight.  It's creeping me out.  It's just...ok...this is the part that scares me...I believe everything happens for a reason, and when it seems like things have gone horribly wrong, it's God's way of telling us to move in a different direction.  I've been injured with multiple various problems for 1 year and 4 months.  I had minor aches and accidents for about 4 months before that.  And with the exception of the 2 years immediately prior to that, I have spent an average of 2 weeks on crutches every year since I was 16.  That's a lot.  it's quite a record.  I keep having people tell me that I have to rest for 4 weeks or 8 weeks, or whatever.  They insist that if I do, I'll get better and be truly healthy again.  Then I do it, and think i'm better, and then something else comes up, and they insist that I have to really take time off, and then I'll be healthy.  But it keeps going on and on, and the injury evolves.  I get hope that it's going to fade, and then it comes back in an unexpected, more confusing way.  What if this is God's way of telling me that I've gotten what I was supposed to get from pursuing my current dream, and now it's time to move on to something else?  I'm so scared.  I love new things, and all, but I love my job and my dream.  I don't want to let go of it.  And I feel like I've let go of so many things (all of them kicking and screaming), but I don't want to be a quitter.  and I don't want to quit!  I want to do this for many many years!  and I want to be amazing at it!  And I don't feel qualified for anything else.  oh.  I think that's the little kink that's been chipping away at my self esteem for the past week or two, building itself up, and gnawing away at my self esteem.  My self worth has always been tied up in the future.  I have the potential to be great at anything, but I've devoted so much time and energy towards one thing, and then given up before I reached the top, and then put it all into some other thing with an equally short lifespan, and then shifted again, and again, and if this doesn't work out, I feel like I'd have to start all over again with something new, but it would be useless, because right before I got to the point where I could use it for anything useful, I would quit AGAIN!!!  (oh my gosh!  I almost just said "I hate myself".  I thought it!)  Wow.  this is serious.  So, what is the solution?  I guess I just have to let go and let god.  If his plan is for me to do something different, it's going to be for my best good anyway.  No matter what I plan for myself, his plan is better.  Maybe, he's not changing my job.  I don't have to know or decide.  I just have to pray, and to be willing to listen for the answers.  It doesn't mean I have to quit my career, and go job hunting.  It means I have to listen to my body extra hard, research and seek out various doctors and specialists, and keep my eyes wide open for any new opportunities.  Maybe I'm going to travel, or go off into the wilderness, or learn to meditate, or...who knows?  I am definitely stuck in a little bit of a rut right now.  I'm scared to try anything new, because I can't handle the idea of missing an hour of my schedule of usual training.  Even day trips stress me out.  I work freelance, but I won't go anywhere or do anything out of the ordinary, because I'm afraid of missing a single potential day of work.  That's not healthy.  I think something's going to change in a good way.  I don't know what, and I don't know how.  But I feel a little bit more serenity around this.  I'm still a little scared, but kinda excited too.

Ha!  I just decided to take care of myself by not going to a workout in the park.  Then I immediately felt uncomfortable about the decision, and started wondering when or what I could eat next.  Psycho!  I'm so funny.  cool that i can recognize it though, right?  I don't know what I'm going to do.  I think i might go to the park and hang out.  I'll skip the leg stuff, but maybe do some of the upper body stuff.  I have a lot to get done today, but... 

OK. list.  I will list the top priorities for today.  that way, I can stop stressing about getting those nebulous things done, and actually do them.

-pay phone and credit card bills

-add up and fill up tax forms

-call Sava

-print and staple

-stretch

-settle saturday plans

ok.  now that it's all out in the open, I can let go of it.  I'm gonna get some good outdoor time with friends, and connect with people.  Then I'm gonna come back here, and take care of that list!

time to eat my words : )

I've been talking a lot lately about how I learned to use my intense food cravings as windows of opportunity to discover the underlying feeling at the root of it.  Whenever I felt the urge to binge, I would write until I could uncover what I'd burried.  Well, I just finished a meal, and I have a million reasons why it's OK for me to eat more, but the other side of the argument is being silenced.  That's my compulsive behavior coming up.  It's been rearing its head lately, and I've been making allowances for it.  Today...right now, I'm writing instead.  My actions are not based purely in fear and urgency like they used to be.  I don't feel like the world will come crashing down if I have one extra bite outside of my food plan.  I'm doing OK...really well, and I'm voluntarily enlarging my spiritual program...actually this is kinda cool.  My initial surrender and submission to God's will was painful.  It felt fake...like..."I'm not doing this because I like you or trust you, or have come to believe in your cause.  I'm surrendering because I've been beaten into submission, and I know that eventually you're going to get your way anyway.  If I go along with it now, I may experience slightly less pain and demoralization."  But today, it's different.  I do believe in God's cause.  I do want to do it his way.  I recognize that what he has planned for me is better than whatever I can plan for myself, and I'm totally willing to surrender my will whenever I recognize that I'm forcing it.  It's hard, but different.  and much nicer.  In fact, this time, it only took me about 10 minutes to get past that craving for more lunch.  That's pretty cool.  That's really cool.

I worked on my 4th step today, and I've already gone to a meeting and had some good phone conversations with people in program.  I even connected with some strangers!  and HAPPY 9 MONTHS TO ME!!!

Celebrate Victories

I realized tonight that I set goals and mile-markers to strive for and measure my progress, and I have them all set up on a pedestal.  Each goal seems like an amazing distant accomplishment to be celebrated, gaining relevance as it approaches, until right before it, when it seems certain.  Then its value plummets, and by the time I've achieved it, it's nothing.  "Yeah, I did it, but it's not that big of a deal.  I didn't do it that well." or "it's nothing compared to ..."  Why would I deprive myself of the joy of success?  Here is my current theory...

-I always think I'm not enough, so I expect everyone else to think the same thing if they know what I really am...if they know the truth.  I won't lie about what I am, but I stress the future, and what I have the potential to be.  I try to draw all focus away from where I am right now, so that you will see me for what I can be.  Hopefully, then, you will overlook the fact that I'm not there yet.  If I am excited about where I am now, I'm afraid that you will know how much of a challenge it was for me to get there, and will know that this is me, at my best.  I want you to think that this is just a little stepping stone in the middle of some down time, and normally I'm much better than this.  9 months is nothing, because I'm going to have 20 years someday.  I'm really on a 20 plus year abstinence...only I'm 9 months into it.  who can get excited about 9 months when you know that you're bound for so much more?  I want you to see me for how recovered I'm going to be, because I don't think I'm enough...no matter where I am.  And if I were at 20 years now, cool.  that would be super long and extraordinary, but I would brush it off as "just another year", because I couldn't give myself that victory either.  It's not about how big or small the victory is.  It's about my attitude towards it.  Kinda like birthdays...

So my contrary action is to accept this as a great achievement without minimizing or criticizing it in any way.  I will share it and brag about it at all of my meetings, and own my recovery.  I may even lead a meeting tomorrow...since my leader flaked out, and didn't even tell me!!! ugh.  acceptance.  

I've been feeling much much better today.  making phone calls and staying connected to friends makes a big difference in my life.  i'm tired, and i need to sleep .  good night.

evaluating consequences

My roommate just asked "you're parents didn't discipline you much as a kid, did they..."  actually it was more of a statement.  I hadn't put much thought into it before, but he was right.  He made the observation several hours after watching my absurd reaction to a conversation we had this afternoon.  He said I can't handle it when anyone makes any comment that even resembles disciplinary criticism or anything like that.  It was kinda a weird way of saying it, but he's totally right.  When anyone points out something I've done wrong or not well or failed to do... I take it as a personal attack, and just don't know what to do.  I feel like a horrible person.  I cry.  It's absurd.  "How do you handle it?" I asked him.  I guess I just think about it before I do it, and once I make a decision, I let it go.  If I'm breaking a rule, I know the consequences, and account for that risk in my decision to do it.  If I cry when I get caught, it's kinda childish, because I knew going into it that it was a possibility.

That makes perfect sense, I thought.  Don't I do that?  In a lot of things, I do.  I recognize the risk, and accept the possibility of the consequences.  But there are a lot of things I do that don't necessarily correspond with my moral code.  Most of them are little things, like procrastinating or not cleaning up after myself, but I get away with them so much that I gradually disconnect from the idea that I'm doing anything wrong or potentially hurtful to anyone else.  Then if anyone else calls me out on it, it's more of a sudden blow.  There was no prior consideration of the consequences- just action (or inaction).  The reminder or reprimand not only tells me that I am doing something bad and unacceptable.  It also reminds me that I have broken my own moral code, and that I know better, so I feel bad about my integrity.  Of course this is deeply hurtful.  Of course I cry.  So the answer (like always) is awareness.  

gotta be honest

Today is kinda a hard day.  I just had a scary borderline meal.  It's amazing how similar it was to a binge, and yet how different at the same time.  It's a good measure of how far I've come in recovery, but also a clear reminder that I am by nature a compulsive overeater, and that my daily reprieve is based on the daily maintenance of my spiritual program.

This morning I decided not to go to my usual workout.  Last night, I considered going to the hospital instead, because my leg hurts...it's weird...i don't know why.  But today it was feeling a little better.  Still, i've been feeling sick and really bogged down lately, and thought I could use a day off.  This is not a normal thing for me.  I'm really not comfortable with making that sort of decision for myself.  There are a lot of things I really wanted to do today that are really important, and I feel guilty about missing every one of them, and i don't know what to do with myself when i stay home anyway.  i have all this stuff that I need to do here, but I keep getting stuck infront of a movie, and doing nothing.  Am i that tired?  do i need that much rest? or is it something else.  I think I've gotten behind on my writing and spiritual maintenance.  I had begun to develop this amazing clarity, but it all got foggy recently.  It's like a couple of big things were revealed, and I latched onto them with my typical tunnel vision, which caused me to somehow lose contact with the source, and every thing got all bogged up.  So I've been feeling blind and alone for about a week.  I haven't really been looking at my schedule either, so I feel lost.  Like the world is going on and I'm not there.  I'm off on my own trying to catch up, but the more I try to compensate in isolation, the farther behind I fall.  I hate it.  And I feel like I don't know what to do to get back into the world.  The things that tend to ground me are writing, making a to-do list, making and returning phone calls, going to my favorite meetings, making plans and putting them on my schedule, and sticking to my food plan.  I want to turn this day around now.  But first i have to be honest about the meal I just had.  The things I did well which have changed based on things I learned in program are highlighted throughout this summary.  I was feeling guilty about not going places, and obligated to take action on mundane tasks, but couldn't bring myself to deal with these things.  I couldn't stop thinking about muffins.  I took a few minutes to acknowledge what could be going on in my head that was making me uncomfortable, and then made a phone call to talk about it.  I got some good advice.  I read in the big book until a very reasonable amount of time had passed since breakfast.  It was time for a meal anyway.  I rode my bicycle to the store, and considered buying a lot of foods that would not be in my best interest.  large bags of dried fruit, french vanilla creamer, chips, cookies, cakes...even ice cream.  instead, I bought a few groceries to put in the freezer, and for my meal, I bought a blueberry muffin, a piece of carrot bread, and a protein bar.  Granted- this is not a balanced meal (although you could try calling it one if you really want to stretch the imagination...fruit: blueberry, vegetable: carrot, protein, dairy, grain...it's all there...kinda)  but the compulsive desire was so familiar and scary, and the way I drove myself to find those foods to fulfill the craving was ...ugh.  I knew it wouldn't help!  I knew it wouldn't nurture...but I was compelled.  I prayed.  "please help me to be reasonable during this meal.  Please help me to stay conscious and aware and not hurt myself."  I don't know exactly what I said, but I asked God to be with me during my meal.  That's different.  And I bought a relatively small quantity.  I used to buy seemingly endless quantities, because...what if I ran out!?  This time I knew that I would come to an end, and probably want more, and that would be OK.  This wasn't going to be the last time I could have these things, so I didnt' have to stuff it all in now.  My choices for a meal, and the mindset when I selected them was scary, but when I finished eating them at home, it was worse.  I wasn't willing to be done.  I got 2 slices of flaxseed bread from the fridge, toasted them, and ate them.  I still couldn't stop, but i was also just barely aware that I wasn't full.  I took out leftovers from sunday night's dinner, and some sliced roast beef.  this was at least balanced compared to all of the carbohydrates I'd just eaten.  after a few bites of roast beef, I felt somewhat satisfied.  I was still compelled to eat more, but I knew it was time to stop, and I felt full.  not uncomfortably full, but full.  So that's cool.  I'm still emotionally uncomfortable, but I'm writing about it.  hopefully I'll write more today.  I think I've got a lot on my mind.

immediate benefits

It's funny how as soon as I start amping up my program, I see amazing positive changes in my life.  Back when I was in treatment, and digging into this stuff full time, I had huge life changing revelations every couple of days, and this week feels like that again.

I didn't know how hard it was to be present until I started really trying to live 100% committed to the moment I'm in.  I catch myself drifting off into my own little fantasy world every 30 seconds.  It takes so much focus for me to simply pay attention to what's going on around me, especially when I'm doing a simple repetative action like driving.  As unsafe as it sounds, I probably drive for more than 10 minutes at times on autopilot with absolutely no awareness of where I am or what i'm doing, because i find it more interesting to contemplate my recovery or schedule my week or rewrite lyrics to a song.  The moments on the trip tonight in which I WAS present made me realize how vital it is to stay that way as much as possible, and how much better it will make me at EVERYTHING!  Being present and aware of your surroundings makes you able to adapt to whatever is going on.  This will make me better at every physical skill I do in my job, and even at conversation.  The brain is a muscle like any other in the body.  Right now, it's weak.  I can barely flex it long enough to hold my attention on even things I generally find fascinating, but giving up and getting frustrated won't help that.  By continuing to challenge myself, and repeatedly do what I can't do- focus on the present longer than I can - I will get better at it.  I will learn  to read the environment and the people in it.  Soon I will be able to respond to it, and someday, I'll be able to see things coming before they happen.  That's what happens when you pay enough attention.  You learn how certain movements have characteristic telegraphs, and you learn to see them coming, so before they become a threat, you know multiple escape plans, and can evaluate the best one.  Prevent accidents and disasters...achieve the best case scenario in any given circumstances.  how cool!?  But part of that process is NOT dwelling on how good i WILL be at it.  I just have to focus on now - flexing that weak muscle.

and asking questions.  I've uncovered this fear of asking questions.  my goal for the week is to ask as many dumb questions as possible to get comfortable.  put myself out there.

I've begun to develop a sense of how to push myself without causing self harm.  the whole self-care thing used to scare me because i didn't know if i'd ever learn how to get better and excel at things if I couldn't push myself beyond my limits for fear of hurting myself, but that is now becoming clear...gradually.

I've become adept at "screen door theory", which means when someone yells at me, I can filter out the useful information and apply it without paying attention to their tone or any hurtful words.  this is so useful and self loving!  

My eating is cleaner

I'm feeling more rested, and my days seem fuller.

this is cool.

I am soooo not present

So this evening while my instructor was wrapping up class and going over information I thought I already knew, I was thinking about the movie "Peaceful Warrior", and how cool it is to be present, when I realized that by thinking about the movie, I was completely not present in the class.  It was rediculous.  I've been paying particular attention to it all day, and realized that I'm probably completely present less than 10 percent of the time.  I can't get through 3 steps of choreography that I already know with out my mind wandering off to some more challenging or entertaining topic.  They may be great interesting topics, but what happened to "there are no ordinary moments"?  I'm not paying attention.  and I CAN'T even when I am determined to do so.  when I'm actually performing a series of moves that I know, even if I put intense effort into focusing on the details of each movement, I will get distracted my little thoughts or ideas, and switch my movements over to autopilot.  My mind wanders whenever I get bored with a conversation.  I found this phenomenon so interesting and troubling that I spent the whole ride home contemplating it (rather than paying attention to my immediate surroundings...like the road and cars!)  I'm not sure what character defect that is, but it's something I'm trying to take note of and address.  

Things I did really well today:

-I woke up early enough to have a relaxing morning and do all of my meditations even though I forgot to set my alarm for 6 am!

-I had a really good long conversation about learning to be present and keenly aware of people, and how to apply that to the art I'm learning, and agreed to commence intense training towards that end with my instructor.

-Had a good talk with another OA about intuitive eating, and how i'm learning to apply it

-Took action to get a last minute apt with a new therapist, and went!  I've also agreed to do homework of asking questions when i hang out with a new friend tomorrow.  that's gonna be hard and scary, but i'll check back in on that.

-got a massage

-practiced detaching from pain.  holy crap that was hard, but when I can acknowledge that i'm not being damaged, and it's actually repairing old injuries, I had to just accept it.  "it's just pain" and relax into it.  stop fighting it.  i actually did it.  it doesn't feel quite as bad when you stop fighting.

-iced 

-ordered my favorite healthy gorilla lite green juice

-went to a group meeting, contributed my opinion to the discussion, and volunteered to head up a committee

-made a dentist appointment

-wrote out my schedule for the week

-i'm doing some writing and inventory

-i've pretty well minded my fullness at every meal today!  I ate all of my dinner, but I think i needed it all.

-did some business with pictures

amping up my recovery!

I feel inspired to work a stronger program.  Here are the things I did today for my recovery...

make a few phone calls in the morning

Awesome service!

bought aspirin

used mouthwash

detox foot things

writing

cleaned room and folded clothes

stopped eating only one bite after I knew I was satisfied, and left the rest in the fridge!!!!

stopped my movie halfway through so I could get to bed early

extra writing

read step one in the OA 12 and 12

packed my bag for tomorrow so that I can have a more relaxing morning and not feel rushed

made a to-do list for the day

took a really nice shower

pray

meditate

Commitment

I haven't been writing.  I've gotten a lot better at talking, feeling, processing, and dealing with things in the moment as they come up.  I'm feeling more secure and serene most of the time.  But I'm missing out on a lot of recovery by not writing on a regular basis.  I think my eating would have been cleaner yesterday if I'd started writing right when i got home.  I'm really tired right now.  crap.  I just got a new sponsee.  I'm glad.  I'm excited for the opportunity to help someone, and I know that this will inspire me to be more diligent with my own program.  I've been getting out of my structured routine that i've had for a while.  That's good and bad.  It's really cool that i have so many opportunities opening up to me, and that I'm ready and able to take them.  I'm staying sane and abstinent, but i'm devoting a lot less time to my program as a result.  And because i'm using the tools only "as needed" instead of on a regular daily schedule, the reflex to use them is weakening.  Almost every day this week, I've practiced living in the world or working out in more fun exciting places, which has brought me home a little later.  As a result, I've altered my morning routine, sleeping in and grabbing breakfast on the go.  It makes perfect sense in my head, because i save time by getting ready and eating at the same time, but my morning prayer is rushed and less thoughtful, and my meditation is nonexistant.  For one day, that's not the end of the world, but when that becomes the norm, which it seems to be, we're heading for trouble.  It's hard, because I want to be able to go with the flow and try new things.  Most of my favorite workouts and activities, including meetings keep me out til 10 or 10:30 pm, which makes it difficult to get up at 6 am for training.  OK.  for this week, I'm going to commit to setting my alarm with enough time to do all of my morning meditation, and if I need more sleep, then I can miss my first class.  I'll try that for a week.  I've also been a little lax on my rule about snacking while preparing food or adding extras.  This week, I'm also going to be more diligent with my foodplan.  it's simple and clear cut.  It meets my needs, and I don't need to pad it.  This week, I will abide by it.  I can make more phone calls, and more outreach.  I've been doing well sharing more, oh!  but I can remember to congratulate chip-takers and thank the leader.  I can update my to-do list.  oh!  4th step.  i need to work on that, and maybe i can set a time to work on it with my sponsor.  And the main #1 project for me to work on this week...those are all simple concrete actions, but this is the fuzzier internal thing: listen to my heart-my intuition- my higher power.  I've been talking a lot about my new understanding that I really can have, do, or be anything I want as long as I am willing to connect with what it is that I really really want.  I have been willing to question my desires, to compare compulsion with my higher power's will.  I've been able to see the difference, but I haven't been very willing to listen.  strange.  I know it's a muscle, though, and just seeing it is a big step.  At first it may be hard, but the more effort I put into listening now, the sooner it will get easy.  I want to commit to really listening, and acting accordingly...i keep wanting to say "as much as  I can", and leave room for error, but I truly believe that you can do anything you set your mind to.  Part of me just doesn't want to do it.  If I commit fully, my life will get better faster.  I want to push myself.  challenge myself.  I want to do this.  I can feel the resistance.  It's just like the trick I tried in the gym on thursday.  I knew i wanted it, and that i would feel better as soon as I did it, but I didn't want to.  I kept doing drills to perfect the mechanics before I tried anything.  Preparation is good, but I was limiting myself.  When i became aware that the primary reason I hadn't tried it yet was because I was scared, I took a deep breath and chucked it.  it wasn't pretty, but it released so much tension.  It felt way better.  The only way to grow or get better is to DO what you can't do.  Commit to DOING it.  not trying to do it to the best of your ablility, but really doing it.  Very well.  this is uncomfortable, but I've fought for the right to be uncomfortable, and I'm going to exercise that right.  I want to get better, so this week, I'm going to eat intuitively within the confines of my food plan.  I don't care if there's one bite or 50 left on my plate.  If I'm full or satisfied, I'm done.  I can do this.  and i'm going to.

Slip? Uh oh.

Ya know, you'd think after that last little revelation, things would have picked up, but i had a kinda strange reaction.  I threw up.  It wasn't really intentional.  My stomach was hurting, and i kept burping violently, but i had to get ready to leave to lead a meeting.  I was so uncomfortable going to lead a meeting after the kinda excessive emotional eating I had done earlier that day, but I got up and started trying to move and work some of the air and crampiness out of my stomach.  I was in the shower, and these burps were just exploding out of me.  I kept massaging my stomach to try to help work stuff out.  I twisted, and bent, and leaned over, and opened my mouth, and threw up.  I stood up in a little bit of shock, and debated whether it was OK.  What if I leaned over again?  I threw up a significant amount 2 more times in the next minute.  I didn't force it.  I just leaned over and burped, and allowed my body to get rid of some of the crap that was upsetting my stomach.  I felt better, but I knew there was a lot more that I could get out if I tried.  Suddenly the fear struck me, and I cried.  I finished my shower and dried off.  My stomach still hurt, and I knew it wouldn't be hard to throw up if I actually tried, but I don't do that anymore.  And it didn't feel like it used to.  not at all.  I used to make the decision to throw up halfway through, or even before the binge.  This time, there was no decision.  There wasn't even really a binge.  At no point during my extended snack did I say to myself "well, I already blew it, might as well keep going."  There was a point where I thought i might be full, and I waited a few minutes, but not feeling any discomfort, I chose to eat more.  When I finished eating, I became slightly aware of some minor discomfort from fullness.  This is very different from the old binges where I used to continue eating even after I felt like I was going to explode, and try to stuff more in so that I could throw up.  This time, I recognized minor discomfort, closed up the unfinished package, and put it in the cupboard.  Only later did it churn my stomach into terrible cramping.  the throw up was accidental, and not until 3 hours later after I made phone calls, took a nap, did some writing...my next meal was a little late, because my stomach still hurt, but I'm pretty much back to normal life.  I feel a lot better having written about it. coming clean.  and i'm starting to feel really excited to see the guys at work tomorrow.  I've been stressing about it so much that I forgot how much fun i'm going to have!  I love my job, and being challenged, and i love these guys.  I look up to them soooo much, and they're so good at what they do, and at teaching.  If I can't do something, I'll get to learn.  It's actually really really exciting.

I've been feeling really self conscious about working with some guys I used to know.  I'm going to see them for the first time in a year tomorrow, and I don't know how to interact with them.  In the back of my mind, I know they're going to wonder why I haven't improved, and why in some ways, I'm even rusty at the things I was better at then.  Especially since they were already so much better than me, I've been feeling really scared about having to explain why i'm not better.  Of course, I have some really freakin' good reasons.  really good.  In fact, if any rational person heard half of the reasons, not only would they accept them; they'd probably be shocked at how well I've managed to maintain the skills I still have.  I really haven't lost that much, and in all honesty, I'll probably be back at the same level I was within another month, and then I'll be on the way up again.  but that's all future and guesswork, and therefore beside the point.  What I realized a few minutes ago is that the half explanation I plan on presenting to "the guys" if they question me will probably be fully satisfactory to them as long as I deliver it with confidence and acceptance.  The only person who still seems incapable of accepting me where I am is me.  When I tell my story, I sound like I have something to hide, because I feel like I do.  I sound like I'm using petty excuses for being lazy, because I feel like I am.  I've had major compounded injuries that prevented me from training to the best of my ability.  I've been in eating disorder inpatient treatment where I was allowed only 1-2 hours /day to workout, and I didn't have any of my usual gyms, coaches, or equipment.  Even when I returned home, over each workout hung the threat of relapse into self harm and reinjury.  I've had to learn a whole different way of looking at the world and motivating myself.  These are life lessons that may have slowed my physical progress temporarily, but in the long run does nothing but improve it.  in every way.  But still a part of me says "there was nothing wrong with the top half of your body!  You could have been doing all kinds of crazy upper body workouts- bars, rings, weapons, acrobatics, aerial stuff...just because one entire leg has been incapacitated doesn't mean the rest of your body is off the hook.  you were just looking for an excuse!"  but that's not my voice.  I thought I had squeezed that voice out of my head in most things, but there he is again.  it's ED.